Welcome to California

Ahh Tony wonder thou hast seen nothing yet. If you really want poor service, come to our beautiful ocean paradise. Where it takes 10 minutes to get a slice of pizza with no one on line in front of you(chinese man says "we make to order".) That's right they'll make a fucking pizza for two slices. Lest you misunderstand this ain't 10 am or 2 in the morn, this is 5 pm at night. I guess these bastards like fresh food, but when you're raping me at 3 bucks a slice for cheese, I want it right fucking now. If I had 10 minutes would I order pizza? No, I'd order a sandwich and I'd only wait 5 minutes for that. Just b/c you throw avocado on everything doesn't mean I'll pay out the nose and wait forever for it. Now here are a few of my favorite california respones:

"May I speak to the manager/your supervisor/anyone else but you, you fuckwit/shit forbrains/waste of my life."
1. "He'll be in on thursday"(its monday)
2. "They're on vacation for Thanksgiving."(Its the friday before thanksgiving, as in 6 days b4 thanksgiving)
or my personal favorite
3.-Blank Stare for 15 seconds- "Why"

In other words this is why they don't allow handguns.

Anyways, this city I live in was supposed to have universal wireless two years ago. Instead we're in a budget crisis that is easily solvable by taxing marijuana producers and licensing all the prosties and massage parlors. Nah, not progressive california, instead I have to use internet in the bar. I mean christ, starbucks don't even have wi-fi.

Let's move on to cheerier subjects.

The restaurant I am employed in has received some pretty sick reviews in the last few months, most especially in a german wine magazine - "Die beste bar en San Francisco." Consequently our executive chef is now referred to as hasslehoff, or chef hoff. He is unamused, therefore more amusing for all of us. We're busy as hell and I am glad to work in an industry where I actually run my ass off from the minute I walk in the door to the time I try to do math drunk and stoned and leave.

On to the Mets, they play here in San Francisco early June, if any AOF readers or editors are interested in paying 10 bucks for a beer and being cold at a baseball game in SF, drop me a line and I'll get you drunk enough to forget you're sleeping in my kitchen under a table.

Until next time kids, when I profile new starting pitchers for the Mets including - Endy Chavez, Kordell Stewart, or possibly that super cute lipstick lesbian couple who cut my hair.

I'm Surrounded by Retards.

Ok, ok retards is not the "politically correct" term. It's tough to keep track of what the politically correct terminology is anymore. I suppose we're going with mentally challenged now...mentally retarded wouldn't make much sense, not much more than mentally handicapped. Well now, when can you actually use the word retard? Dictionary.com provides the following definitions:
–verb (used with object)

1.	to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

–verb (used without object)

2.	to be delayed.

–noun

3.	a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.

4.	Slang: Disparaging. a. a mentally retarded person. b. a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way: a hopeless social retard.

So apparently it is now offensive to use the word retard in reference to a person. I guess it's particularly offensive to use it in reference to someone who is ACTUALLY retarded. Which I guess makes it particularly a propos for describing the not actually retarded people I'm surrounded by. Oddly enough I've only come across them in situations like getting my morning coffee at Dunkin' Donuts, or walking around Marshalls. I can't begin to describe the conversation I overheard at Marshalls, besides the fact that the offending retard said to her child (apparently they're allowed to bear children) "If you don't stay in your seat (in the shopping cart) I'm going to THROW you." I'm actually just disgusted thinking about the rest of the conversation.
On the other hand, it's become entertaining to watch the people at Dunkin' Donuts try to take an order for a "large coffee". At one point the screen displayed munchkins and 6 bagels. I'd analogize it to watching a person of normal intelligence try to launch a space shuttle. You're standing at mission control, looking up at the big screen, hoping that you press the right button, then realizing that you pressed the button that controls the space station instead. I don't know how many derivations of Large Coffee actually exist, since they must have 12 different options on the touch pad screen. Of course while this is all going on, 2 OTHER people are trying to understand my order so they can make the coffee. It's literally a crew of retards, spearheaded by the #1 retard, Brunehilda. Honestly, that's her name. I can't make this shit up. It makes me long for the days in southern CT when Mandeep and Mansukh would quickly serve up a coffee, with hardly a wasted motion and never getting an order wrong. Once when Brunehilda "accidentally" charged me for 3 coffees instead of one. When I pointed this out to her, rather than void the order or issue a return, she just reached in the drawer, approximated the price of two medium coffees, and handed me a wad of cash. I was amazed to the point where I didn't even bother to argue. I think I came out ahead in that transaction anyway. Yes, I am surrounded by retards, and not the real ones (although there definitely was one working at Marshalls), and as a tribute to them I leave you with the following video. It's worth it trust me.

What's Worse Than Sweet Caroline? These Nine Other Choices.

I can keep making excuses for failing to post, but really I have none except that I've been too tired, busy, or drunk to focus on it. Plus I spend 95% of my day staring at a computer screen with the other 5% on the phone, or staring at a piece of paper. Shockingly, I've actually received an "application" for an editorial position on the AoF staff. While this potentially ups our staff from 3 to 4, it decreases our readership from 6 to 5. Who am I kidding, it's probably more like 4 to 3 readers as I'm fairly sure that DGD doesn't even check the site let alone attempt to post. TDX probably forgot it even exists. Anyway, I'll repost the contact info, I'm open to adding more staff and are willing to consider any and all applications. Email me.

Anyway, by the way of a bit of background, the Mets last season adopted the Red Sox "tradition" of playing Sweet Caroline during the 8th inning for a sing-a-long. This is about as much of a tradition as the Mariano Rivera/Billy Wagner playing Enter Sandman as their entrance music. A better tradition in my opinion is the Mets playing Lazy Mary after Take Me Out to the Ball Game during the seventh inning stretch.
I just watched Beltran get robbed of a home run on an umpire conference reversing what was originally the right call. This is where limited instant replay should be allowed in baseball. One look at the tape would have clarified that in the fraction of the time it took the umps to fuck it up. At least it wasn't Chuck Merriweather making the call, as he has some personal vendetta against the Mets.
Anyway, there's some asshole working in the Mets stadium entertainment division (I just made up that division - whoever is in charge of the website/in-stadium music) as they have put an internet poll up asking what Sing-A-Long song they should play during the eighth inning. Hey assholes, how about NOTHING. That would be a nice change. Just like when they decided to pipe in the Jose Jose Jose chant - the incorrect chant I might add. I remember in '06, while sitting in K-dro's Korner - another unfortunate casualty of Pedro being injured and the Mets management being assholes for not giving up the $2 bleacher seats - the Jose Jose chant was born, during Pedro's first start of the season. It was an original, naturally occurring, beautiful thing that they stadium PA people (another made up division) stole and bastardized. So here we are with the option of picking from a list of 10 - with one write in vote - songs to sing during the 8th inning.

What Sing-A-Long Song Should the Mets PlayDuring the Eighth Inning in the Final Season At Shea?
Fans, select your favorite from the songs listed below.Your votes will help determine what Sing-A-Long gets played duringthe 8th Inning during the final historic year at Shea.
Fan voting is now open and concludes at Noon on Monday, April 7.Select a song from the list below, or select "Other" to write-in your own suggestion.

Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
I'll Be There For You - The Rembrandts (Theme from Friends)
I'm A Believer - The Monkees
Land Of 1000 Dances - Wilson Pickett
I Love Rock N' Roll - Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
Livin' On A Prayer - Bon Jovi
Movin' Out - Billy Joel
Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
Waitin' On A Sunny Day - Bruce Springsteen
Other

Individually I'll agree, none of these songs are particularly bad or offensive on their own. NONE of them have a place in the 8th inning let alone during the game. We're already following the bouncing Mr. Met head to the lyrics of Meet the Mets during the 4th inning, mumbling the Italian words to Lazy Mary during the 7th, and (hopefully) singing along to Takin' Care of Business after a big win.
Not only do these songs not fit, but they're just wrong. Living on a Prayer? Waitin' On A Sunny Day? Build Me Up Buttercup (just to let me down? - I thought we were trying to forget 2007)...BROWN EYED GIRL?! What the fuck?!
Why not choose between Area Codes and Get Low (the Lil' John version)? Skeet, skeet, skeet motherfucka! The only thing I can think of that would be worse would be having a stadium kareoke competition with contestants primarily from the school of the deaf. Here's my only solution (and this stems primarly from the fact that God Bless America cuts short my enjoyment of Lazy Mary during the 7th Inning Stretch) - move God Bless America to the 8th, OR play the song from the 1986 Mets season "Let's Go Mets Go!" (we got the teamwork to make the dream work)

The video is mostly for my enjoyment - and probably yours as well. My only other recommendation would be Duran Duran - Wild Boys. So I guess this is my endorsement for writing in Let's Go Mets Go! in the ballot, if you are to vote at all.

Really, I think that as this is the last season at Shea, an 8th inning moment of silence is appropriate. Let's see if the PA people can shut the fuck up for 10 minutes and let the fans come up with their own stuff.