Tigers Are Dangerous

I consider myself to be a fairly sympathetic person. However, there come a few instances every year which make me say, good, motherfucker had it coming. One such instance from last year being the car accident in my town that killed a few scumbags. The call on the field: that's too bad. Then it comes out that they were drunk, high and driving at night on a back road with more curves than Jessica Simpson and. . . wait for it. . . with no headlights. Upon further review, fuck off you deserved it.


That brings me to the amazing asshole in San Francisco who was mauled by a tiger, perhaps a gay tiger. When the story first broke it seemed another unfortunate twist of fate, like suffocating in dung after an elephant enema gone terribly wrong. That was the call on the field. The booth reviewed. There has come indisputable evidence (in my mind) that this douche, apparently distraught over the 49ers becoming immune to his taunts, decided to try his new repertoire on a seriously large dangerous animal. Now of course, blame first society chime in as well, his Dad said he didn't deserve it. taunts or not. Now that's true, and perhaps if the tiger hadn't been destroyed we could arrange a sit down so he could explain that to the tiger. Then his mother could sit down with the tiger and explain that people go to the zoo "to have fun and not to be killed." Perhaps the dog whisperer could provide it some therapy so it feels some remorse for its actions.

I'm not good at math, but teenagers around a tiger pit on Christmas plus the fact it was around closing time plus a shoe found in the pit seems to equal some dumb motherfuckers, to be safe I may need a calculator to confirm. This tiger was, in fairness, cited for aggressiveness before when it smoked caretakers arm, but I think the spokesperson for the zoo put it best when he said "the tiger was acting as a normal tiger does." Yeah, being bad ass.



***as a public service, in trying to find a picture for this post, I implore you not to Google image search "gay tiger"***

Happy AoF Holidays

Well, here we are again in the midst of another wonderful holiday season. The sleigh bells are ringing, the nog is egging, and the mistle is toeing. All in all, it's quite the festival of merriment. We here at AoF just wanted to take the opportunity to wish all the best to you and yours on the day that marks the death of our Lord at the hands of the Jews. At least, I'm pretty sure that's how it all went down. I took fairly good notes in history class and almost exclusively watch the cinematography of Mel Gibson. Regardless, here's a card from the always great Gbehh.com.

Laziness Reason for No Title?

I'm gonna go ahead and apologize about this post before I even write it. It's like some sort of weird time paradox common in the "Back to the Future" Trilogy. I have no idea what this post is gonna be about (if it indeed ends up being about anything whatsoever). Could be about something cute like puppy dogs and butterscotch candies. Could also be about something mundane that goes terribly wrong, like just getting done spreading marmalade on a fresh piece of toast...only the toast slips out of your hand and falls to the ground in slow motion and you're powerless to stop it...knowing full well that it's gonna end up marmalade side down...and once it does exactly that and you bend down to pick it up all while cursing your clumsiness...Satan pops up out of thin air and cuts the gnarliest brimstone-laced fart ever in your face that makes it melt off like the Nazis at the end of "Indiana Jones". My point is, as always, the unknown is precisely that, the potential timeline running parallel to ours but possibly with some slight twist in it along the lines of you going back thirty years in the past and going to the Prom with your mom and your siblings fade out of whatever photograph you might be carrying.

See, I've already proved my point. It was a good thing that I already apologized for this post because that last paragraph made absolutely no sense. I should be admonished by the principal in "Billy Madison" for unleashing such a thing upon the internet. Before you cast the first stone, it must be noted that there's a good explanation for all of this. I am in the middle of an astonishing run of unproductivity. In sum, it will be about five and a half months total between me doing anything helpful for society. That time lapse is the period between taking the bar and starting my job.

It's wonderful and awful at the same time. It's wonderful in that I never have anywhere to be in the morning (or afternoon or night for that matter). It's awful in that my entire memory of useful things has been replaced with pop culture references that not only serve as analogies for things but have outright caused me to speak wholly in terms of similes since I basically only watch TV or fuck around on the internet and have no real life experiences. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting how to read. I choose the Daily News over the New York Times because, quite frankly, there's too many words and not enough pictures in the Times. The sad thing is that that last sentence was true. Before I just stop mid-post, it should be noted that I'm far too lazy to even finish this post. That being said, I'm gonna let Jim Gaffigan do the talking while I go eat some brownies.

Fact: If only Chuck Norris were running for President.

Holy crap. I just slaved away for 30 mins writing a fine piece on the state of the world, how to stop the economic depression, a solution for the subprime mortgage problem, and the cure for AIDS. Then for some reason my internet expolorer decided it was time to crap it's pants, and I lost it all, the economy, the real estate market, banking, and AIDS. Gone. Like hell I'm going to write that all over again.

Looks like I'm going to have to go with Chuck Norris. I'm not sure anyone has ever been the benefactor of a pop cultural phenomenon as grand as the "Chuck Norris Facts." Think about it. All he had to do was act (poorly) in a few movies, act (horribily) in a poorly produced television action/drama, and act (awfully) in a few info-mercials for the Total Gym. Next thing you know, he can count to infinity, and move mountains. Now he's gone all Oprah on us and is using his popularity to influence the popular vote in support of Mike Huckabee (which we all know means nothing - thanks electoral college). I figured, anything that Chuck does has to be pretty terrible, but I'll say I was presently surprised. Here are my top 6 favorite Chuck Norris clips.









I was really hoping that this was Bear Grylls, but as it turns out Stephen Colbert was right about bears.

Lastly, this debate was raised: Chuck v. Jackie Chan. Thoughts?

Fact: If you're 3/4 of a century old, you're not fooling anyone.

Look, I know it's the 21st century and advancements in plastic surgery and HGH treatment have made it so people look younger or age slower, but when you're 3/4 of a century old (that's 75 years) you're really not fooling anyone and it's likely too late to start lying about it. As most of my at work posts tend to be, this topic arises from an incident that went down between two of my co-workers. One has reached the ripe old age of 30, while the other will turn 75 in February. As pretty much every minor event requires, cake was served for the 30th anniversary of my co-worker, let's call him JF. Following the cake, the 74 year old (Morat) decided to say something along the lines of "I'm going to need red white and blue streamers for my birthday, since I'll be almost as old as America." Knowing when to step aside, I pretended not to hear her comment, while other co-workers found ways to avoid responding. JF made some comment about bringing in fireworks for her birthday, to which she then responded that she'll probably start lying about her age and asked what age she could get away with. Now I knew that after the fireworks comment there was no way this situation was going to end well. I kept one ear on the conversation as I pretended to be distracted and inattentive. In essense, I threw JF under the bus as he was flying solo in this conversation. Rather than try and make a joke or deflect the question, he picked the first number that came to his mind, 55. There was little I could do to keep myself from falling over laughing. You have to understand, this 75 year old is reviled by almost everyone. She even has an old persons taste in Dunkin Donuts, selecting every single powdered donut available. Does anyone really like the old fashioned style donuts anyway?

So here's the deal, I'm sure this applies to all of our readers in the 65+ demographic. Why bother lying? By lying and or asking how old you look, you're only making those around you (regardless of age) uncomfortable. Now I'm not saying that I didn't get a good laugh at my friend's expense. I think everyone in my department had a serious 20-30 min chuckle over it. This doesn't particularly "grind my gears" since for the most part, I have no gears left to speak of.

In any case, old age is something to embrace. If you're so concerned about getting old, follow the lead of the world's oldest man (ok he may have just died, but he can still lead by example).

Born, according to family documents, on 15 March 1891, Mr Nestor, a former farm labourer, put his long life down to the fact that he never married.
"He didn't find himself a mate because he was a short man and never had money," Oksana believes. (Oksana had at least 4 years plow experience, and was #6 prostitute)
He also led a healthy life, she says.
He loved to get outside and would run barefoot through the grass. Vodka he drank in moderation, and his favourite food was simple country fare with his greatest luxury a slice of sausage in a bread roll.

Hey he may have just passed, but that's what old people do, they die.

TW Pulls Out Mitchell Win Pending Final Review

TW has pulled out a Mitchell report victory by the slimmest of margins over DGD: 10-9.

The earlier picks have held but some excellent calls by TW led to his victory:
Rondell White, Lenny Dykstra, Todd Hundley (particularly impressive), and sadly Mo "the hit dog" Vaughn. The total would have been 11 but Matthews Jr. was already outed this summer thus DQ'ing the pick. Inclusive in this are Tejada and Clemens as bonus picks, Roberts and Justice.

Dougie's shitty list was inflated by the three bonus picks, Clemens, Pettitte and Tejada. Plus Brendan Donnelly, Jack Cust (who aroused my suspicions while carrying TDX's fantasy team this summer), and Roberts.

Quick Note: The Yankees lead the list with Clemens, Pettitte and Knoblauch as well as Stanton, Villone, Grimsley and Stanton. Fuck you Yankees fans, get off your high horse now.

Sox: Vaughn, Donnelly, Mike Lansing and Eric suck my ass Gagne (not sure how I missed that one). But seriously, fuck you Eric Gagne, go back to Canada and suck for someone else. This guy singly handedly almost blew the Red Sox 14 game lead over the Yankees. I hope the Brewers enjoy paying your whiny drug ridden ass $10 million a year.

Mets: Hundley, Vaughn, White?, Scott Schoeneweis (I know this will infuriate my fellow editors given his Gagne-esque suckitude) and shockingly Paul LoDuca (a Dougie favorite while coming up with the Dodgers).

Honestly, how did we miss Kevin Brown though. That's just shoddy work on our part.

FACT: Rapid Fire Posting Probably Grinds Some Douche's Gears

Sorry folks, but I'm gonna have to whip this post together in far too hasty a fashion. DGD is on a mini post rampage and I have to break it up. Here at AoF, records are not meant to be broken. They're meant to be glanced at sideways through a haze of bong smoke in acknowledgment of the unnecessariness of breaking them. Now, I don't know what the record for most posts in a day is (don't care enough to look it up), but it looks like we're on the edge of the world as we know it. The world is no longer flat. I would compare that analogy to Columbus sailing to the New World, but it's probably closer to the last Pirates of the Caribbean buttholery of a movie.

Now that we're going in this stream of consciousness post, that whole Captain Jack Sparrow thing just now reminds me of the current (and former) bane of my existence. I don't want to steal too heavily from Family Guy and write a "What Really Grinds My Gears" post. This is mostly because some absolute fucking douchebag that I went to law school with stole the idea and had a regular column in the school paper with the same name (didn't even change the name of it, AND was completely unfunny and/or mildly inappropriate). I can't help it though. Let's just call this an affront to my sensibilities and pretend I'm not ripping off a Dennis Miller rant.

To wit, Circuit City is my goat-getter du jour. Without delving too far into the details, I bought something online for in-store pickup, they of course didn't have it, they special ordered it and it never came in, I bought it out of a different store and they didn't have it when I showed up, then I bought it out of the original store again and they didn't have it again when I showed up. I should've known better. It could have allowed me to avoid such a run-on sentence. If they hadn't hooked me up with $24 gift cards at every step of the way I'd have burned that motherfucker to the ground. I'd been fired from better Circuit Citys than the two involved stores. True story. The first time I was fired basically boils down to refusing management's demands that I stop incessantly playing Black Rob's "Whoa" in the computer department. The second time was racism, plain and simple. I was the only white guy in the entire Yonkers store. Bullshit. Racism reared it's ugly head. I demand reparations. It does make me want to go Jihad on their asses though, like Charlie Kelly would. Oh yeah, almost forgot that the reason an overly fey Johnny Depp character reminded me of all of this is that the movie is on constant loop in the store, which you have no possiblity of ignoring when you're waiting around for hours.

Side note to all of this: I'm currently posting from my desk at home. I actually wanted to watch the currently airing Mitchell Report. Logistically, that shouldn't be too tough since there is a TV in the room. Unfortunately, the TV is behind me. Rather than turn my head 180 degrees (might accidentally burn a calorie if I did so), I decided to go the route of watching it on a little window on my screen through ESPN.com. I love technology almost as much as Alec Baldwin loves the Patriot Act.

Fact: Dougie Leading Mitchell Pool Early

The early leaks of the Mitchell report have Dougie leading with 3 of his top 5 bonus picks (five big stars worth double points) coming in. Big thanks to Tejada, Clemens and Pettitte for being insecure about their natural ability. Dougie also picked Brian Roberts with a non-bonus pick. For the record I replaced him with Clemens as a bonus pick.

TW trails only by one with Tejada, Clemens, Roberts and a nice call with David Justice, who unfortunately was not a top 5 bonus pick.

'nuff said. But seriously, how gay is SI?

Fact: Simple Things are Amusing

No apologies, (well kind of) take your smattering of posts and like it. In a span of 3 days my life went from part-time when I feel like it job to, "see you tomorrow at 9, here's a list of 5 million things to do." Like the Patriots, it was a period of adjustment and now I'm coming back to dominate. Which coincidentally is why I wrote this post on Saturday (but didn't finish); because I thought after the close encounter with the biggest shit-bags on earth (read: Eagles fans) at the last game, I thought might actually die when I drunkenly talked shit to a pipe wielding steel worker from Pittsburgh. Actually, no such thing happened. Their fans are as gay and douchey as their current QB. At least I'll admit the shortcomings of past Pats teams (Bledsoe, any of the WR's now slumming for other teams, etc). But these assclowns will still take a bullet (possibly shot from a man-gun into their throat) for Kordell Stewart. Motherfuckers defend him all day long and get worked up about it. Intriguing to say the least.

However, today I realized the simple things in life can be thoroughly entertaining. Back when the AoF HQ was fully staffed, a complimentary tub of hair gel began suspiciously appearing in hidden places in the editors' rooms. Socks, beds, not even blazers hanging in the closet were safe. Each time it was found a voice rang in your head saying: "Gotcha bitch". Picture that blue shit mocking you, not a good feeling. I always enjoyed taking credit for the my most creative spots (but, as I was thinking about it, if my spot was inadvertently found because it smashed all over the floor, I give credit to Xerxes). You too can play this even if you don't live with other dudes, I'm sure girlfriends will enjoy it as well. You have my word.

Secondly, as weeks of anticipation culminate today with the release of the Mitchell Report, TW had a fantastic idea of a Mitchell Report pool. Pick 50 names of who people you think will be on there and the winner takes the sum of the $5 entry. My list was not arbitrary in the least, with selection criteria of "He probably did because his name sounds like it, or, he went on the DL, probably steroids." This effectively killed my productivity and led to this post. Well done all around.

Fact: The Jets Coach: Mangenius? Nay, more like Mantarded

It's Monday. 9:40 AM. I've been at work for over an hour and have managed to accomplish the following: Turn on my computer, organize some paperwork, ask my boss for a promotion/raise, take a 15 min coffee break, and talk football. Mostly about the Jets and Patriots, since my the nearest two cubicles contain a Jet fan and Patriot fan and my Giants are cruising into the post season in mediocrity, likely to lose in the first round for the 3rd straight season. That is assuming they don't shit the bed.

The conversations began with pretty much how shitty the Jets are playing this season. I'm no Eli Manning apologist (he doesn't have his brother's happy feet, it's more like HOLY SHIT feet the moment he feels the slightest pressure - and is usually followed by an easy sack or an interception), but I'd always loved ripping on noodle-armed Chad Pennington. Sure every once in a while Chad would try and shut you up by throwing a 40 yard bomb, but you knew that for the rest of the game he'd have that tingling in his arm, that tingling you get when you try and over throw, leaving you with basically a dead arm. Of course after commenting on how much the Jets suck, and how I might become a Derek Anderson fan (much like my appreciation for David Garrard last year - purely for fantasy football points purposes), the conversation turned to the ruthless play of the Patriots against the Steelers.

For the record, I'm a Ben Rothelisbergr fan. Don't judge me for it. And for those of you AoF sticklers, I didn't misspell his name by mistake. It just so happens that he was a great Madden Football QB (the same year that Jimmy Williams recorded 68 sacks and won the MVP), and the Madden programmers decided it necessary to abbreviate his name. He's also a great fantasy QB, and I happened to have chosen my dog from the Ebay picture of him selling his SUV. Ironically, he probably should have packaged that up with his bike, but I doubt there was much resale value for it. Sure I was saddened by the Steelers inability to keep it close against the Pats. But I'm not a Steelers fan.

Which brings me to the Patriots. Now that the Giants are pretty close to clinching a Wild Card spot in the postseason, and barring the final game of the season against the Patriots (which could be anything from the Patriots resting starters to the Giants resting starters, both playing 1st strings or some conglomeration of that) I'll have to admit, I enjoy watching the Patriots collectively drop their drawers, and dook on their competition. It's kind of like admitting I'm a fan of evil. Sportsmanship be dammed. This is competition in it's purest form. Bad blood, bad intentions, a lot of shit talking, and some ridiculous plays to back it up. This is not the stuff you want your kids to watch if they're last hope at winning a trophy is the sportsmanship award (which usually means they suck). This is the team for the parent who wants their kid to be a steely-eyed, cold-hearted mercenary/killer. And you know what? I'm actually enjoying it.

Each week I eagerly anticipate the spread for the weeks game. What will it be? 3 1/2? Hell no. 14 1/2? Try again. 22 1/2? That might be a good place to stop. Then I wait for what surely will be a vindictive game of football. Someone talked some shit through the media? Belichick will make sure that he never does again. He won't just beat you, he will make sure you are thorougly embarrassed, and in jeopardy of losing your starting job. If we went to war (again), I'd want Belichick to be on the front lines, taking no prisoners, showing no mercy. The only concern would be that he decided to drop an A-Bomb every time he encountered a less capable enemy.

Which brings me to my final point. This week the Jets and Patriots square off at Foxboro. If there were one event that you could point to and say, this is where Belichick lost it, it would have to be Spygate, where Mangini outed Belichick as a cheater. Ever since then it seems that he's been on a mission to show the league that he could run the table without videotape, and in some cases with his eyes closed. My guess is that Bill has been waiting for this game for what seems like a lifetime. I'm going to put the spread at 80. Where the Patriots might show mercy against the puny, lifeless D-Fins in two weeks, no such mercy will be given Mangini. Sure, last season, where he led the Jets to a decently mediocre (10-6) record, he was nicknamed Mangenius. That nickname will forever be preserved in an episode of the Sopranos. Now he looks more like Mantarded (OR Mangina). When the student tries to defy the master, that's when things get ugly. And what a show I hope it turns out to be. Belichick should coach next weeks game blindfolded, like a true master.

FACT: Part-Time Bloggers: Not so Great

The ever indominable TW hit the nail right on the head the other day and astutely pointed out that this current cycle of AoF posting is indeed somewhat depressing. Not depressing in that "I just got fired from McDonald's and my girlfriend just dumped me and I live in Omaha" kind of way that inevitably leads to mall massacres. More along the lines of the fact that it is thoroughly not all that time consuming and is (usually) an enjoyable pursuit. Come on, what other outlet do I have for all the nonsense in my inbox/incoherent ramblings on the pressing issues of our time. By pressing issues, I mean trying to put together one of those match the celebrity to the upskirt vagina shot. (After years of perusing the celebrity gossip websites the roast beef just tends to run together, which is probably a similar analogy to TW's work at Subway headquarters).

Even though I am really really unemployed it is still difficult to treat this whole blogging thing with any sort of seriousness. I should probably spend every waking second of the day in an unending pursuit of employment, tracking down leads and whatnot. Instead, whenever the bug to write hits, it usually just degenerates into what I just did right now, which is find pictures safe for work of Britney Spears' babymaker and then try to decide whether I should go with LiLo's cooter instead. Note to Law Students out there: get out while you can. It's not too late. Dig ditches, sell black market organs, whatever it takes.

This whole process does give you a whole new appreciation of the fact that all the decent blogs out there are operated by individuals that were crazy enough (or sick of eating dog food and out of options) to actually quit their jobs and do it full-time. Don't worry all you legitimate bloggers out there, I didn't just elevate the status of AoF to be included in the discussion. We still suck. Spread your electronic indignancy elsewhere. Seriously though, TW posts at work, DGD posts while screaming at the Mike and Mad Dog program, and I post when I either have absolutely nothing else to do or feel bad for being so lazy about this. We're semi-pro at best, like the ABA (that's American Basketball Association, not American Bar Association. I gotta set our 3 readers straight sometimes.)

By the way, if you can't tell, this was a complete garbage filler post. I wrote a great summary of an awesome medical study yesterday but the fucking thing was lost in the internet. My internet shit all over itself at the last second in the posting step and there wasn't a backup saved and I screamed and cursed at my computer and eventually settled on not rewriting it in order to eventually culminate in this ridiculous run-on sentence. Ever lose a paper in high school or college or anywhere and not had a backup of it? It sucks. This is worse though, because I actually gave a shit about it. Since there's no motivation for me to ever redo it, I doubt I'll bother. I don't think blogspot is gonna fail me this semester for not rewriting it.

Fact: 24 Hours is Plenty

Back in AoF's heyday (roughly six months ago), we used to have an unwritten rule: no triple posting allowed. Unfortunately much like when we used to have a Madden season (prior to AoF's expansion) where one person would take a week + to play a game, thus holding up the rest of the league, I am going to "simulate" their game and hopefully move things along. This reminds me that we used to have a three day rule, where once you waited longer than 3 days to play a game, you would automatically be simulated, yet we had the uncanny ability of creating surreal teams, which would boost statistics if the computer was allowed to control them. I'm not sure what the real life Jimmy Williams is doing right now, but if he's anything like the Pro-Bowl rookie from my Madden season, he should have approximately 68 sacks right now.

So I'm going to go ahead now and assert some fact. Or at least have an internal debate with myself. The topic is: How soon, is too soon? As in after someone famous passes away, how soon is too soon to make jokes at their now deceased expense? I bring this up because a certain AoF editor hardly waited 12 hours before making a Sean Taylor joke. Now that I think about it, all three of us did. Actually my reference came when he was still in critical condition and reports were that he was shot in the groin. References to "Ow, my balls" and I'd rather be dead than shot in the nuts comments abound. It didn't seem like it was very serious at the time. Then I felt bad when he actually died.

Apparently by AoF standards 12 hours is the requisite waiting time. I guess you could make an argument based on noteriety, popularity, beloved-ness, etc., that you have to wait anywhere from 12 hours to a decade. As far as I'm concerned, if they couldn't laugh at themselves in life, then they're not going to laugh at themselves in death. Therefore, 12 hours is too soon. 24 hours is enough. That's about how long it takes Jack Bauer to kill a bunch of terrorists and save the world, so it should be good enough. A final disclaimer: I'm talking about celebrities and other famous people that you and I have never met or had contact with in any way whatsoever. This rule does not apply to real acquaintences.

Would it be fair to say: Cell Phones Cause Cancer

I've decided to take today off. Well not technically off, but I've decided to refrain from working more than 20% of what my salary dictates. It's casual Friday here in the office, and that's exactly how I'm approaching it. Casually. One might say that this could affect my job. As you may know, I can be a go-getter or a slouch, depending on my mood and any extraneous forces. Seeing as how my boss ignores me for the most part, I've been working for an entirely different department for the past 3 months, and anyone who matters over there took today off in order to either (1) use up vacation days before being penalized for not using them by losing them OR (2) take a 2 week hiatus to Cancun, I'm going to take this opportunity to catch up on some blogging, maybe read a book, surf the web, and drink enough coffee to make this fun filled day bearable. I may even read a movie script or two. (Try it, I think in many cases it's better than actually watching the movie. For instance, I read the original Tremors script, and although I know MDC will object to my charaterization of that movie as "undeniably shitty", imagining the ground swallowing livestock/people is far better than actually seeing the 4th rate special effects that were actually used - movies like Good Will Hunting, The Departed, etc. might actually seem better, if you have half an imagination). Sure I'll make a phone call or two, send an email perhaps, maybe even set up a meeting (probably not).

I envy both of my non-bosses since I have neither the vacation days saved up nor the money/resources to travel anywhere (outside of New England). That said, my job satisfaction level is plummeting dramatically as I sit here contemplating how best to waste the next six hours. The only upside is that there is a possibility that we will have our bi-weekly post-work Friday cocktail hour, replete with all types of booze and hors d'oeuvers (sp?). I spent 3 of 5 nights last week drinking on the company dime, something that is less common in the workplace than I'd like, and as such I've developed an appettite for vodka. I don't know where I was going with that...My thirst will be quenched somehow...

Anyway, Israel just informed us that cell phones increase the risk of tumor growth. Risk increased if you use the same ear, don't use hands free systems, or lived in rural areas. I don't know what the rural area thing has to do with anything...

I could see this set up causing some problems. Bad reception...He doesn't have the antenna up. I'd recommend purchasing the professional hands free kit to give you the right angle.

Fact: Tasers are Fun

AoF has become a depressing cycle of posting, then not posting for a week or two at a time. I feel like every time I write I must first preface what I am saying with an apology to our loyal readership. At this point I'm pretty convinced that there no longer is ANY loyal readership. I'll be honest with you, writing a daily blog is time consuming, particularly when you relegate yourself to posting exclusively while at work. Since I'm on such a tight schedule now...I'm going to make this quick. Deaf guy, in a bathtub. Cops bust in responding to a shooting. See deaf guy soaking wet in a towel. He doesn't respond to their repeated requests (he's deaf after all), they hit him with the Taser. I suppose it's better than a gun. The police chief had to justify the shocking result by explaining that it is important to get control of a serious situation like a shooting as quickly as possible. My question is...where was the threat? Where was he hiding his gun? (That's not a metaphor for junk). Where would YOU hide it?

Federal Dogs: Man's Best Friend

Wow, so here it is, an entire week that I took off from my neckbreaking pace of roughly two posts a week. I kind of am struck with an extreme case of writer's block (see that, I just elevated myself to the level of writer, as if the use of words is the equivalent of writing). Maybe it's the start of what definitely looks to be a piece of shit MNF that's causing my mind to go blank. Maybe it's that Walt "Clyde" Frazier just gave a mind numbing explanation as to why he came to be called "Clyde" during halftime, replete with third-person references to "Clyde" as if it was an alter ego. In case you're curious, "Clyde" is from midnight to four and dressed like he ought to be paired with Bonnie.

I'm basically just left with coming up with an article patched together from whatever tabs I have open in my browser. One of them is my miserable fantasy football team. I'm not gonna be that douche and actually complain that Tom "How Dare you Think Matt Leinart is More Handsome than Me" Brady dared to give me less than 50 points this week. Another of the tabs is This Day in History in Wikipedia. I was giving Uncle Ralph (roommate) a hand with his job coming up with songs for every day next month that radio stations could use. Here's a few good ones for Dec. 1: Jared Fogle, TW's coworker was born in 1977, Johannes Brahms presents his Ein deutsches Requiem in 1867, and Matthew Shephard of dragged by a truck in Texas fame was born in 1976.

I'm left with a random article from the Montgomery Advertiser (wow, sweet name Alabama paper) about Auburn DB Jerraud Powers getting bit by a dog...during Saturday's Iron Bowl. The south is amazing sometimes. There's probably not a worse place to have a bunch of dogs. A ridiculously loud crowd, people running all over the place, a ball being thrown around....and the State Troopers still think it's a good idea to keep German Shepherds in the end zone during an Alabama/Auburn game. Wait, here's the quote from Powers, it's fantastic: “I saw blood coming out of my glove. I started panicking,” Powers said. ” I was looking toward the sidelines and I was screaming, ‘The dog bit me,’ the next three plays. When I went into the training room I was like: Do I need a rabies shot? Then I thought about it and it is a federal dog. I’m sure he’s the cleanest dog in America. I’ll be sure to wash it out real good.”

I don't know why I even tried to fight basing this post about anything other than Auburn. Tommy Tuberville punched Nick Saban square in the asshole as his introduction to the rivalry. Ever the classy guy, he made sure to hold up six fingers to the crowd to remind everyone that yes, that is six in a row over Alabama (Couldn't find a picture of him doing it, but the similarities are startling). OK, I'm done talking about Auburn. Any more and I'm gonna sound like DGD and the Pats, who almost lost to the vile piece of shit Eagles yesterday (of beautiful I'd-rather-lick-Patrick-Ewing's-Sweaty-Armpits-than-visit-Philadelphia fame). The video of Powers getting bit by the dog is below.

Fact: Somewhere Between Ass-Kickings and Going Bankrupt: Mike Tyson Reads

That's right folks. While serving his 24 hours in jail, "Iron" Mike Tyson ate sloppy joes and read American Gangster. If not for the whole criminal thing, a day in jail sounds like one relaxing vacation. At least this special celebrity jail that Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and now Mike Tyson get to go to. It must be affiliated with the celebrity court that OJ and Kobe went to.

In my opinion, celebrities SHOULD get special treatment. I mean why not? Us mere mortals get to go to mere mortal court and jail, celebrities should have to be tried in front of Judge Judy, (or Mills Lane/Joe Brown/etc.) or be represented by Lawyer Malloy before Judge Reinhold, and have their fate be decided by a (William) Hung jury. (shout out to Arrested Development).

They should have to go to celebrity jail. OZ. That's right, Oz. And not the Oz with the witches and talking tin can. Ass rape in the middle of the night OZ.

That aside, let's get back to Mike. Evidently he can read. I guess that's not all too shocking, I just assumed that he'd lost the little brain function he had remaining picking "comeback" fights to make a few bucks and avoid losing his pet tigers. This is really good news for my "Mike Tyson Beats you How to Read" campaign, where Mike reads to children. I'd try and type what it sounds like but I can't find a font that's high pitched and lispy enough. We could invite the other infamous Michael and make it an interactive learning experience. (don't mind Clint...)

Fact: Neil Diamond is a Pedophile

Not that it's really shocking but the artist that performs the (newest &) greatest between inning traditional song is also likely to show up on the next episode of "To Catch a Predator." Neil Diamond revealed today that he wrote the song "Sweet Caroline" about Caroline Kennedy after seeing her "dressed to the nines in her riding gear." He threw in some bullshit about innocence and some other nonsense but it's crystal clear that the french maid and sexy nurse had grown tiresome for old Neil. One look at the cover above explains a lot about what Neil is thinking when he performs.

Do the math, Kennedy is 50 now, the song was released in 1969 so subtract one year and BAM: he wrote a song about an 11-12 year old. Diamond said "I've never discussed it with anybody before -- intentionally." He cited that she may be embarassed but AoF thinks it has more to do with not wanting to end up on the FBI watch list. Now, Sweet Caroline seems innocent enough, but what good times that never felt so good could he be referring to? I'd say he's probably buying a saddle and hoping that he's the next pony in her stable. Let's break down some of the lyrics:

"Where it began, I can't begin to know when. But then I know it's growing strong."
- The logical explanation is his feelings for 12 year olds, but then again maybe I'm thinking outside the box when he's actually talking about his dick in the box. Perhaps this is why the Kennedy's stopped accepting unmarked Christmas packages (OHHHHHH sweet double entendre smacked down on your asses!) Sorry about the outburst, totally out of line. Anyway. . .

"Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you."
-Kinda self explanatory don't you think?

"We fill it up with only two."
-I think I'll leave this alone so as to avoid visits from "To Catch a Predator" myself.

According to the article he was "holed up in a hotel in Memphis" writing the song as a young broke songwriter (read: he was masturbating furiously while feeding quarters to the vibtrating bed trying not to spill his liter of Wild Turkey). A hot august night indeed. I ask you this America, shouldn't we demand answers from the love child of Joe Lieberman and Bill Belichick? Perhaps: 'In this picture, are you grasping for a high note, or the imaginary image of 12 year old ass?'

Fact: Phil Jackson Apologizes - the Blog-o-sphere Chimes In

Two posts in one day. Well this is my lazy (some would call lay-up) post. Anyone who watches Sports Center was probably cracking up at Phil Jackson's press conference following a game against the Spurs. In case you missed it, Phil's exact words were: "We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game because there's so much penetration and kickouts."

Gold. Comic Genius. Someone get him to cross the picket line, the writers guild is going back to work. If we made any money, he'd demand 2.5% of the intenet royalties.

Of course some people didn't find it funny, and to them, Jackson apologized.
"I want to thank all the journalists and TV people who thought it was humorous in the moment last night for their support in laughing, but in retrospect it wasn't funny," Jackson said before the Lakers faced the Houston Rockets.
"When you take it out of context, it wasn't funny," Jackson continued. "It was a poor attempt at humor and I deserved to be reprimanded by the NBA. If I offended any horses, Texans, cowboys or gays, I apologize."
Asked if he had left anyone out in his mea culpa, Jackson said, "Well, children."

Will it ever stop? Nope. Deadspin, an AoF favorite, posted this article, and followed it up with apologies from other sports figures. Then the readership took the torch and hilarity ensued. Here's a snippet.

Sorry for that stripper thing and that my wife is now making me stay with the Yankees. --Rod

Sorry I made you look like even more of a tool, A-Rod. --Scott Boras

Sorry I took career advice from Stephon Marbury. --ARod

I ain't sorry for shit, bitch. -- Isaiah

Sorry. I totally bogarted that. - Chris Henry

Sorry i ate all of my good recruits. - Charlie Weis

Ruvell -- Sorry I grabbed your stuff. -- Packer Fan

Sorry that I only spin on the one axis. --Randi

Sorry for missing one goddamn kick in my life.-Adam Vinatieri

Sorry about Boston, guys. But a deal's a deal. - The Devil

City in Review: Philadelphia

If you recall, I used to do a little running segment called _____ in Review. Running might not be the word since I only did a few of them and they were pretty spread out. Regardless, I haven't done one in a while, and, since I can't think of much else to post about, let's get started.

Fuck Philadelphia. This is going to be a wholly biased and uninformed review of the City of Brotherly Love. While I am going to attempt to keep this post somewhat out of the sports arena, however, in the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that most of my loathing towards Philly is rooted in sports. Actually, about 95%. I despise Philly sports. But, if you think about it, the reasoning behind that is because their fanbases are comprised of mongoloid mouthbreathers that drink their own urine. Back in the days before heavy urbanization, around the Revolutionary War, they were a proud group that only took breaks from tickling each others' asses to rape goats. Now that there is a heavily diminished inner-city goat population, they are forced to tickle each others' asses full-time.

Listen, I'm sure there are nice parts of Philadelphia, maybe. UPenn's Ivy League, that's a big deal, probably nice. Bear in mind, however, that Yale is in New Haven (the only thing holding that hole together) and Columbia's in Harlem (kind of). Higher education can exist amongst the greater unwashed masses. I can't speak from any true personal experience as to whether there is anything nice to the city. I went once when I was in seventh grade. While waiting for a street vendor to make my cheesesteak a horse took a huge shit right next to me and it splashed up on me a little bit. That's kind of a turnoff towards a city. No one wants a horse to poop on them, unless you're from Philly, then you lick that shit up. (Link NSFW, possibly NSFAnywhere). Everything else I've heard colloquially isn't much better. Although, I hear it's a great place to score some black tar smack. You know, whatever it takes to chase the dragon away.

I can't really avoid Philadelphia sports for that long. I've had Flyers fans curse at me on the streets (of NY). Eagles fans and the shit they did when T.O. came back to town was weak (effigy of jerseys, mock burials, etc.). The Phillies, well, it takes a real dedication to sucking to reach the 10,000 loss plateau. The audacity of this fanbase and team to think they deserve anything makes me sick. Good for you Phillies. You "won" the NL East this past season. Congratulations on getting swept out of the playoffs immediately. Way to make us all proud of you. Especially after this shit the Phanatic pulled on Conan.

Oh yeah, lest I forget: Philadelphia was recently awarded numerous prestigious superlatives by CNN. Least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly. 60,000 people took place in the survey. Is anyone surprised? Take a good look at Eagles' coach Andy Reid and tell me he doesn't look like he embodies all of that. On top of everything, the country officially recognizes that Philadelphia is full of the ugliest, fattest, meanest, stupidest piles of rat feces in the Union. Seriously, if it wasn't for "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", I would just pray for the entire town to fall into the river.

Final Verdict: One Thumb Up......A Goat's Ass

Fact: A-Rod Showers with Little Boys.

Today is free turkey day at my office. Free turkey day you say? Yes. Free Turkey Day. It's also the health fair. Cholesterol testing, blood pressure testing, etc. I have no interest in any of this. I know my cholesterol was through the roof last October and given my diet the past month there isn't a rabbit's chance in an episode of Man vs. Wild that it's gotten any better.

I'm actually here to kill time. For one reason or another I just can't manage to get anything done. All in all I'm actually amazed that I get away with doing so little. I guess it makes me feel better when I know the guy sitting next to me is doing even less. All that aside, let's dive into it. A-Rod is most likely going to be a Yankee (again). I really wish I'd posted my thoughts on this situation when he first opted out of his contract and the Yankees vowed not to deal with him ever again.

If I had posted my prediction on how this would have played out it would have read something along the lines of; Hank and Hal Steinbrenner are full of crap, once Lowell resigns with the BoSox they're going to pony up and pay A-Rod's asking price. Then a few things changed. First Miguel Cabrera came available, nice move Marlins, too bad your 5 year plan isn't panning out. (The Marlins have pretty much become an advance AAA prospect development team, where rather than developing in the minors, these players get to do it on the big stage. It's not a bad gig, look at Josh Beckett.)

Presumably, Cabrera's availability took a lot of A-Rod suitors out of the running. Then the GM meetings came along and what happened? A lot of speculation at who would be the first to enter the A-Rod sweepstakes, but no one actually buying a ticket. If it is possible there was ANTI-hype surrounding A-Rod, with most GM's stating reasons why they would not pursue him. This became a crazed situation where one can assume that Boras (or the media) took any GM's SILENCE on the A-Rod issue as an implicit admission that they were interested (when in fact they had both an All-Star shortstop and an All-Star, Gold Glove, Silver Slugger third baseman (who's boyish good looks, charm and charity were worth more than any topless central park sunbathing photoshoot.).)

I've never seen A-Rod show solidarity with cancer patients, while the media berates him for what they assume is a poor fashion choice...

Anyway, what transpired next, (yesterday) surprised me the most. More than the Yankees negotiating with A-Rod. It would seem that A-Rod did not have the intestinal fortitude to make good on his decision to opt out for more money. Apparently he was the one who did not have the patience to wait for the market to play itself out, contacted the Yankees and started working on a new deal. It must have been brought on by the $15/hr contract I mailed him (acceptance is good upon mailing, A-Rod) to mow pretty shapes into my front lawn. (it really is quite picturesque in an abstract art sort of way - think...starry night, but with a thin veil of clouds).

Many "professional" sports writers are saying that Boras overplayed his hand. Maybe he did maybe he didn't. To me, it looks like Boras lost control of his client. Ari Gold always says "manage your client's expectations." Boras broke this cardinal rule. Perhaps the sports reporting news got to A-Rod and he got nervous that he wouldn't be making 80 mil. I do know that the Texas Rangers couldn't be happier and the Steinbrenner's look like shrewd businessmen. Anything could happen from this point on. Until ink is put to paper, no deal is done. The Marlins could come sweeping in with an offer that blows our minds. But until then, ARod, my offer is still on the table.

I just realized that I made a semi-serious argument on Assertions of Fact. Not cool. Oh yeah. A-Rod showers with little boys.

Sandwich 'Gate Crumbles Open in NY

In a shocking twist of events, Stephon Marbury has broken his silence about his sudden departure from the New York Knicks. The reason: his post-game PB&J was cut horizontally not diagonally at coach Isaiah Thomas' behest. This news comes despite reports that Marbury left the team when Thomas allegedly cut back Marbury's playing time because of his piss-poor defensive efforts. The truth was discovered after Marbury "allegedly" had the following conversation overheard by an AoF confidant assigned to monitor his phone calls.

"Shit man, you dunno the half of it, this ain't about no playing time. Stephon Starbury ain't gonna be disrespected like that. Every day I come up in here and work my ass off and all I ask is that I have a diagonally cut PB&J after practice and after every game. Isaiah done knew that and he went behind Starbury's back and told that white bitch to cut my shit horizontally. Momma didn't raise no fool, any sucka on the street knows that shit taste better diagonal."

He went on for a few moments about the tough life of an NBA player and how he has earned his right to have his sandwich cut in whatever way he chooses. When asked if the reason his time was cut back was his defensive short comings and lack of leadership, Marbury laughed and dismissed the question. He was then asked about the following photo and laughed again:

"Come on now, that don't prove nothin."

It was then pointed out that this was taken in the middle of a play versus the Spurs last year.

"Damn son, what's with all the questions, Me and Stevie was tired and they didn't warm the towels on the bench. Why don't you go out and guard Frenchie or that Spanish dude and then come back to a cold hard towel on the bench and see if you feel like playing D every time, shit ain't therapeutic . . . ( "Don't you mean Manu Ginobili? He's from Argentina.") . . . Yeah whatever, he ain't from Starburytina that's for damn sure, I'll bet Popovich don't have his shit cut horizontally."

"Shit, I've been here for 3 years and it's always been about me and my numbers. You ain't gettin endorsements for Defensive player of the year. I don't see Bruce Bowen sellin' no $12 shoes - available now at your local shoe retailer - and besides, you think they'd learn by now. I ran Larry Brown up outta here and he's a hall of famer, you don't think I can run this chump outta here? Horizontal cutting mothafucker. What are they gonna do, trade my contract for an entire team? No sir, this is Starbury's ship and we're sailin all over this league. My next move will be to get my cuz 'Bassy up in here for $11 mil a year and shit, this town ain't never gonna be the same, no back seat will be safe."

It's safe to say these are low times for the orange and blue. Isaiah Thomas denied these allegations in a follow up non-existent phone call. An unidentified source reported that Marbury caught the next flight back to his childhood home where he shed tears of joy as his mother prepared him a diagonally cut PB&J.

Belichick Cuts Lynch's Ligament in Anticipation of Week 11 Matchup

Spygate aside, Bill Belichick is a good football coach. One of the best some may argue. His keen sense of style (cutoff hooded sweatshirts - the next big fashion craze coming from Milan) and his "do anything to win" attitude are unparalleled in the NFL, if not all of sports. Maybe Marion Jones or Jose Canseco are close seconds.
Last week, while sunning himself on Miami's finest beaches and sampling the local fare, Belichick found time to make it to Dolphins Stadium to scout the Buffalo Bills for the upcoming Patriot's matchup following the bye week. No one was aware that Belichick was even present at the game, and after spending the first half and much of the third quarter videotaping the Bills defensive signals from his super spy video camera, Belichick, realizing that rookie sensation Marshawn Lynch was the only offensive weapon that the Bills possessed, decided to take matters into his own hands.
While some may chalk it up to fate, others to coincidence, the fact that the only weapon for the Bills that could possibly give the Patriots trouble (in their quest for the first undefeated season since Don Schula's Dolphins did it back in 1972), went down with an ankle injury is neither fate nor coincidence. It was Bill Belichick... An inconvenient truth indeed.
After reviewing game tape it became clear that Belichick used his super spy invisibility cloak to sneak onto the field and attempt to cut Lynch's. Belichick failed but he managed to make sure Lynch would be ineffective against the Patriots by twisting Lynch's ankle in a last ditch effort. Below is a screenshot taken from a frame by frame video. Evidently the cloak only works as long as you are not making physical contact with a living person, and a fast enough camera can catch you in the act.
Here's the photo. You be the judge. First Madden, now real football. Where will Belichick cheat next?

EMail Assertions of Fact

First off, I just need to note that it's always particularly difficult to follow some hard-hitting journalism about butthash.

That being said, it's always worth a good laugh to occasionally flip through past posts and check out the comments. By comments I mean the scattered 1 comment here and there, almost entirely by a commenter by the name of Justin. Sure, we comment on each others' posts every now and then, as well as some occasional non-Justin commenting (although I don't think there's been any of those in a few months). Well, this post is the reward that frequent commenting gets you (it also could be an award I just won for most usages of the word comment in a paragraph). In it's entirety, here's an e-mail I received from Justin (AKA the Birdman) about a month and a half ago:

"I couldn't think of anyone else I'd love to share these with more after I saw them during my daily reading of the Onion. The tagline for the nutritionist pic was "Zombie Nutritionist recommends all-brain diet" and the second pic obviously reflected the reason for low voter turnout at a recent election.

Love,
Birdman"

The pictures are, of course, those handsome gents to the right.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, "Self, I desperately want back those two minutes of my life that I just spent reading AoF today." After you had that self-destructive thought (and possibly also me-destructive thoughts), you then likely said, "Self, your boyish good looks and impish charm apparently are not all it takes to get your thoughts published on the internet. I wish I too could get on AoF, just like the Birdman. If only the editors cared to have me as a personal friend so that I could email them directly." Well, that's never gonna happen. I don't know what's worse, the fact that we write this nonsense or that strangers like you read it. But, here's a lucky compromise just for you. We've just launched the AoF hotline. EMail us your nonsensical suggestions here. If you couldn't be bothered to click on that link, here's the address in non-hyperlink form (kind of): AssertionsofFact@gmail.com. Pretty original name, huh. Just in the nick of time, too. It only took us nine months of operating the site to launch a way to contact us.

Fact: (Sh)it'll Get You High

If you've ever read this website before, you'd know that for survival purposes, Bear Grylls has done some crazy things, such as hoisted an enormous fresh elephant turd over his head, leaned back, opened his mouth and squeezed the turd until "water" flowed forth. He's also urinated into his canteen, only to immediately drink it because "letting it sit would give the bacteria time to replicate." Awesome.

It's a good thing Moses had God to rain manna from heaven and make water flow forth from the rock of Meribah. (sucks for Moses though, it was that rock which got him banned from heaven. If God came to you and told you to lead the Jews into the desert and then told you to tap a rock with your stick and water would flow from it, wouldn't you doubt yourself after the first strike didn't produce the water? Maybe he didn't hit it hard enough?) Imagine if all Moses had was fresh dung and recycled pee? He'd have the Jews running back to Egypt to chill with the plagues and fresh water.

Now I'm pretty sure that at birth I swore a sacred oath never to knowingly ingest feces, urine, or any byproduct of it, particularly my own. But evidently this was not the case in Africa, where this practice originated. As Chris Rock said, "people will do anything to get high."

Ladies and Gents, Loyal AoF readers, I present you with the newest-oldest method of getting high. JENKEM. Fermenting your own doody and pee, capturing the gasses in a balloon, and inhaling it. It'll get you FUCKED UP. Apparently people complain about the bad taste left in your mouth. To that I say...seriously? You just inhaled doody and you're complaining about the taste? DOODY! And guess what? KIDS LOVE IT!

This "warning" from the Collier County Sheriff's office reads like an advertisment in favor of legalizing marijuana. Don't want your kids sniffing their own dook? Roll'em a fatty. The names they give this are fantastic. Much better than "Mary Jane". I particularly like "fruit from the crack pipe", Leroy Jenkems, and Butthash.

Do your kids a favor. Buy them a bottle of 'tussin and save them the trouble of crapping in a jug.

Would it be fair to say: Hot off the 'net.

Ever since I read TDX's post (accounting for 50% of the traffic on this site daily), I've been trying to come up with an angle that would set AoF apart from the rest. Then I realized that it was nearly impossible as the only major common themes are sports, douchebags, and monkeys. Amazingly, as linked above, all of these sites exist in one form or another. This reminds me that at its inception, this site was touted as "purporting to know stuff." One example is the whole bullets falling from the sky (after being shot up in the air in celebration, warning, whathaveyou) killing Mexicans (or Canadians) assertion, which was argued for the better part of 3 months, and culminated in scattered statistics and a rather disappointing episode of Mythbusters.

So that brings us to today, 106 posts later, with no clear drive or direction. We've warned you about zombies and roombas. We've commented on George Foreman and Ann Coulter. We've live blogged Man v. Wild, and then live blogged the live blog. I could go ahead and say, from this point forward, we'll only write articles about sports. Sure we've got plenty of sports commentary, but most of it's coming from sites similar to ours. I could tell you that Kobe Bryant demanded a trade from the production of Kazaam 2 to the sequel to He Got Game, but only if Ray Allen wasn't a part of the trade. That would be a bold faced assertion of fact, whose truth only Kobe knows.

No...it wouldn't be fair to pigeon-hole AoF's content purely because it doesn't "fit the mold". With that in mind, I present to you with the morning "hot off the 'net(s)".

Matt Drudge, creator and operator of The Drudge Report, reports that he is the #3 most influential conservative in the U.S.. How about that. You run a website with a bunch of links to real reporting, break a presidential sex scandal or two, and next thing you know, you're #3. Just to put things into perspective, Rudy Giuliani, who's arguably a conservative and GENERAL DAVID PETRAEUS Commander of coalition forces in Iraq, are 1 and 2 respectively. 4th? Newt. Newt Gingrich. Behold, the power of the internets.

Remeber the cartoon, Mighty Mouse? Well that's one genetic tweak away from becoming a reality. Genetically engineering mice to be stronger, faster, with a higher metabolism, the ability to kick ass and NOT KNOWING how you're little experiment is affecting their brains? This has Pinky and the Brain catastrophe written all over it. Soon we'll have to genetically engineer snakes (on a plane) to eat all these super-mice.

Finally, Drew Carey has balls. Sure he's an overweight comedian (what makes fat funny?) that used to be a Navy Seal but decided hosting the Price is Right is his next career move. (Whose Line is it Anyway and the Drew Carey Show had their moments...that is until Wayne Brady went and choked a bitch). Now Carey is doing videos about the merits of medical marijuana. He's on his way to hosting what may arguably be the most popular show in television history but isn't shying away from his personal opinions. In a time when Imus gets canned for making a stupid joke, Dog the Bounty Hunter gets lambasted for his asshole son posting a private video conversation with a tabloid, and a kid gets tazered at a John Kerry talk, it's refreshing to see a bit of honesty in the face of popular opinion. I'd love to see the Contestant's Row prize be a half ounce of 'dro. (Closest without going over wins!) Let's face it. Half the people that watch the show are stoned college kids anyway (the other half being housewives/husbands and retirees). It's time to update the Price is Right. I want to be able to guess the price of that 2 ft, single blown Jerome Baker. Oh and don't forget to spay or neuter your pets.

Perspective of the Day

You all will hate me for this post and its topic. Let's get that out of the way. Now, as I have mentioned, all I do with my day is sleep, eat, poop and watch tv, mostly sports, mostly Boston sports. Sometimes I get crazy and read about sports too. Something has struck me in the last few weeks, and that is the power of perception. The topic du jour has been the Pats running up the score. Let me make one thing clear, I don't give a shit if Belichick or the Pats are "classy" and I guarantee you Belichick doesn't care either, nor do I take it personally, so stuff the warm and fuzzy arguments up your ass. If one presents said argument to me I will try not to laugh in your face and then mark you down as a whiny bitch in my mental PDA. The only issue I have with it is the inevitable Brady injury. I am a strong believer in the football Gods and I don't like the idea of Matt Cassel running the offense. It's like Warren Wallace over Rusty Wallace, except the Pats will be the ones getting put into a wall.

Regardless, I have noticed that all of a sudden everyone loves Tony Dungy, hates Bill Belichick and pretty much down the line for all the Patriots and their Colt counter-parts. All of a sudden, T.D. being deeply religious is a good thing, but our president is excoriated for it. Here's a fact that was rather quickly forgotten. (save your GWB/TD contrasts, I'm perfectly aware, the latter sentence was not entwined with the former). The current double standard is noted perfectly in this article, and it's all because of "spy gate". I get it, the Patriots cheated, and again, I'll take the (at this point lame) jokes because I'd be making the same lame jokes if it were anyone else. But why are the Pats doing this. It's all based on pride. Again, they cheated, but the standard buzz from past and present players is: the advantage was minimal, not to the tune of 3 Super Bowls. So now they have something to prove, so what, let's see what they do with no tape, the early returns seem decent enough.

Will you applaud if someone takes a cheap shot at Tom Brady? I pity you if you answer yes. What has Tom Brady done besides excel at his job. Would anyone be pissed if your co-worker ripped off a week's worth of work to your 2 hours. If your answer is yes, you are the same type of person who is bitching instead of working to your potential. In the end this goes beyond football to the decline of our culture through easing adversity instead of meeting it head on. I'll be the first to admit it, our parents' generation and especially our grandparent's generation would out work, out smart and out class our generation. We have benefited from the gifts given to us by their work and rested on their laurels. Let's face it, we're labeled as lazy and will fight that our entire lives. Our contributions? Yet to be seen, I'm not entirely optimistic and rightfully so: we have anti-bullying laws, the banning of contact sports (even kickball) at recess, no team games at recess because someone might get picked last. Let's feel good America, but the future isn't so bright for the kids who can't handle adversity . . . I digress.

It seems clear to me why the Pats are doing this. The last team to go undefeated was the '72 Dolphins. It's nearly impossible to do these days with parity, salary cap, etc the way it is. For a team to pull this off, its going to take something extraordinary, perhaps a feeling of invincibility, a "play your ass for for 60 minutes and never take your foot off the throat mentality." (or, as the current society mindset wants it, let's get what we want then stop working, stop performing to our potential, let the other guys play, save our feelings, I'll buy it in amateur sports, but that kind of thinking has no place in professional sports). Past Patriots teams were notorious for playing to the level of their competition. The plan has changed. Any given Sunday is the league's motto, for the steam-rolling accomplished by the Pats to this point, we are witnessing something that transcends the game, a pursuit of perfection like none other. Can you accomplish it by playing 45 minutes every week? I don't know the answer to that, apparently neither do the teams that feel short in that pursuit.

Ask yourself, as I do when I wonder about a Brady injury, if you are in his shoes, if you are in Belichick's shoes, does the risk outweigh the return. Maybe he'll get a cheap shot, but more importantly, maybe he'll go on to have the single most prolific season ever, turn in the first undefeated season in nearly 35 years and go into the history books in that manner. The bottom line is: to do something no one has done before you, you need to make your own way and that's all this really comes down to.

FACT: Yankees Begin Long Walk in Valley of Shadows

As I sit here wondering in what direction I want to take my newest Yankee Hating column (by calling this a column it lends itself an air of credibility, kind of like how the New York Post does) I am struck by the absolute randomness of our posting. It's not that that's a problem. In fact, that's kind of the point of the site. No set genre, no clearly delineated topics, etc. It's just that, depending on the sports news cycle, we tend to post quite a bit about, say, exactly how handsome, on a scale of 1 to 10, that gent to the right is. The answer, of course, is that such scales are for mortals. Gods are so handsome they can't be measured.

There is the occasional difficulty in running an extremely random website. For example, just the other day I was trying to list AoF in some of the search engines. The problem I ran into is that they want you to select a genre that your site fits into. I went with social commentary. Seemed the closest. Branding sheer opinion as bedrock fact wasn't one of the options. The pitfalls of unpredictability, I guess. I would also say it's tough on the readership, but it's probably not considering the traffic here is negligible. Not counting the Birdman (aka Justin in the comments). He's loyal, like a carrier pigeon who travels great distances only to return with news from afar.

To start off what I intended on tackling, here's an article from Gawker entitled "Ten Things the Gays Should Know About Joe Girardi". They seem to have no problem with categorizing, and have put the post into the category "Sports for Fags". The premise is that the Yankees are so pervasive a topic that even amongst non-sports fans (the gays, women, etc.) the subject comes up. Although, seeing the absolutely uninformed knee-jerk reactions of the fanbase makes me feel that this seems like necessary reading for just about every Yankees fan. My favorite line: "The Yankees could have hired Don Mattingly (sorta hot in that big-mustache 70s way)..." Take that all you Yankees fans my age who loved Don Mattingly as a child. How do you feel knowing that Donny Baseball is a gay cultural icon?

This Yankees offseason is truly magical so far. Everyone's gone or might be gone. In no particular order: George (the Boss!), Torre, Mattingly, ARod, Mariano, Posada, half the rest of the team being free agents. This doesn't take into account that there are rumors swirling for every decent player in MLB. That means Melky traded, probably also Phil Hughes or the Great Joba. I love waking up at the wee hour of 11:30 every day to run down the street to see the newest headlines. It's Christmas everyday. On a side note: I wonder if I'll see anyone dressed up tonight for Halloween as Cory Lidle. Shouldn't be a hard costume, just the pinstripes and maybe a propeller sticking through your chest. I'd hope the person also got a friend to goes as an enraged Alec Baldwin (he couldn't get near the accident scene at the time and flipped out).