FACT: Yankees Begin Long Walk in Valley of Shadows

As I sit here wondering in what direction I want to take my newest Yankee Hating column (by calling this a column it lends itself an air of credibility, kind of like how the New York Post does) I am struck by the absolute randomness of our posting. It's not that that's a problem. In fact, that's kind of the point of the site. No set genre, no clearly delineated topics, etc. It's just that, depending on the sports news cycle, we tend to post quite a bit about, say, exactly how handsome, on a scale of 1 to 10, that gent to the right is. The answer, of course, is that such scales are for mortals. Gods are so handsome they can't be measured.

There is the occasional difficulty in running an extremely random website. For example, just the other day I was trying to list AoF in some of the search engines. The problem I ran into is that they want you to select a genre that your site fits into. I went with social commentary. Seemed the closest. Branding sheer opinion as bedrock fact wasn't one of the options. The pitfalls of unpredictability, I guess. I would also say it's tough on the readership, but it's probably not considering the traffic here is negligible. Not counting the Birdman (aka Justin in the comments). He's loyal, like a carrier pigeon who travels great distances only to return with news from afar.

To start off what I intended on tackling, here's an article from Gawker entitled "Ten Things the Gays Should Know About Joe Girardi". They seem to have no problem with categorizing, and have put the post into the category "Sports for Fags". The premise is that the Yankees are so pervasive a topic that even amongst non-sports fans (the gays, women, etc.) the subject comes up. Although, seeing the absolutely uninformed knee-jerk reactions of the fanbase makes me feel that this seems like necessary reading for just about every Yankees fan. My favorite line: "The Yankees could have hired Don Mattingly (sorta hot in that big-mustache 70s way)..." Take that all you Yankees fans my age who loved Don Mattingly as a child. How do you feel knowing that Donny Baseball is a gay cultural icon?

This Yankees offseason is truly magical so far. Everyone's gone or might be gone. In no particular order: George (the Boss!), Torre, Mattingly, ARod, Mariano, Posada, half the rest of the team being free agents. This doesn't take into account that there are rumors swirling for every decent player in MLB. That means Melky traded, probably also Phil Hughes or the Great Joba. I love waking up at the wee hour of 11:30 every day to run down the street to see the newest headlines. It's Christmas everyday. On a side note: I wonder if I'll see anyone dressed up tonight for Halloween as Cory Lidle. Shouldn't be a hard costume, just the pinstripes and maybe a propeller sticking through your chest. I'd hope the person also got a friend to goes as an enraged Alec Baldwin (he couldn't get near the accident scene at the time and flipped out).

An Open Letter to Red Sox Management

Dear Tom, Larry, John, and Theo:

I speak for all of the Red Sox faithful when I implore you with every ounce of the red, white and blue blood that flows through our veins, not to drink the Boras Kool-aid and even waste one moment considering Alex Rodriguez (hereinafter, A-rod). First off, let's assume you forget the fact that he tried to upstage your World Series title with his own douchebaggery. Look at your model of success, seems strangely familiar to the 1996 Yankees, an infusion of young talent with the cagey vets providing leadership and CHARACTER guidance. We have Pedroia playing the part of Jeter, Papelbon the role of Mariano, Lowell as Brosius and Tito as a younger Joe Torre. Like it or not, that's the original blueprint for a dynasty in the modern era. Also learn from their mistakes, overpaying for one guy is always more detrimental to your team than beneficial.

Let's get this out of the way as well, the guy is a tremendous player, his stats and abilities are uncanny. But they are just that, individual achievements. Step back and reflect on your own interactions with A-rod. There was the altercation with Tek, your own captain, for crying after Arroyo hit him with a pitch. There was the infamous slap that helped propel you to the greatest comeback ever. He tried to take out rookie of the year and World Series hero Dustin Pedroia with a cheap slide this season. How would your team feel about signing him. Do you think the clubhouse that has won you two World Series would welcome him? Or will he tear it apart like every other team he has been on. Honestly, how long before Tek or Beckett punches this guy in the face after a game?

Please, I am begging at this point because I know John had an infatuation with him even after he signed with the Yankees. It's bad enough I have to think about this the morning after the third greatest moment of my sports life (your '04 team and '01 Pats being the top two). Look at your MVP, that's the kind of guy you win championships with, throw him some extra cash and years, its still less than you will waste on this egomaniac and his pain in the ass agent. Let's not confuse ourselves with what the Patriots have done with Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, they have shown a willingness to win at all costs, A-rod has shown a willingness to be paid at all costs. He can't even help but create a divide between himself and consummate professional Derek Jeter. If you do sign him, I will reluctantly have to cheer and hope he does well, because let's face it, what else will my options be at that point, but it will burn my soul to its very core and I know I share this feeling with the vast majority of Red Sox fans.

Perhaps as best put by Peter Gammons:



Let's move on, forget wanting to stick it to the Yankees at every turn, we have moved past them, they are in "transition", you have the new model for success, be the bigger men and move on. Thank you for your understanding.

Chupacabra Sighting....End of World Near

For what it's worth, I was really hoping to be the author of "Post #100". Instead, some insufferable Massachusettsian squandered it. I'm just glad that at least TW acknowledged as much and gave #101 a worthwhile topic, namely monkeys. This is my penalty for untimeliness in posting. It's really quite a shame, though, since today's post is about possibly the greatest threat known to (hispanic) man.....The Chupacabra. It flies so under the radar that even we have only dedicated one post to the chupacabra threat. And that post wasn't even addressing the threat directly. It only reviewed possibly the worst movie ever made, starring Treach, though starring is a slightly misleading word to use.

About a month ago, loyal reader (probably an exaggeration, I check google analytics pretty frequently and I haven't seen Woodbury, CT up on the list anytime recently) and all around Mook tipped AoF to potential photographic evidence of the dreaded Chupacabra. Those pictures to the right are supposedly proof of the existence of the bloodsucking fiend. Luckily, The Mook made sure to give absolutely no link in the e-mail to any sort of website where I could actually investigate these pictures. I'm left with some text that it looks like he cut and pasted out of the original. Basically, this allows me to do what I do best: take barely substantiated rumors and lend them an air of credibility so as to cause others to pass it off down the line as fact.

Here's what the text in the e-mail said: "Suspected Chupacabra chasing a deer! Thomas writes, 'I have been visiting your website for a while now and I think that ghosts do exist. Anyway I was searching out one of my favorites paranormal websites and I saw an article about a monster caught on film. It seems to be chasing a deer. This website is all in Spanish, so if you can read Spanish you can check it out. They think that it is a Chupacabra, but it also seems like a demon. Anyway, check out the picture and tell me what do you think.'"

A. I'd like to see the original website. Of course it's in Spanish. Chupacabra doesn't speak English. That and he's almost entirely a Latin American legend. I say almost because, as aforementioned, Chupacabra the Movie starred Treach, and I'm pretty sure that "OPP" was mostly in English. B. Venison is delicious. Chupacabra has a taste for delicacies. C. The Mook made a good point in the original e-mail. It could be the Jersey Devil. I tend to agree. The wings are a dead giveaway. As any serious student of the paranormal is aware of, the Jersey Devil is a winged-fiend with a piercing humanlike screech, the Chupacabra just drains the blood of farm animals and moves quickly, though doesn't fly. They might be related, though. The Jersey Devil might've been a relative of the Chupacabra, originating in Latin America, but banished from the realm for an unspeakable act. It's very possible that what Jerseyites thought was just an unintelligible humanlike screech was actually something in Spanish, like when I watch old movies from the times when you could be extremely racist towards Mexicans and they would fire guns in the air while screaming "AIAIAIAIAI!" Only the Jersey Devil doesn't believe in the 2nd Amendment (nor America for that matter) and refuses to arm himself.

Fact: You have to be a Killer to Get a "Killer" Nickname

As I begin to write this I can't help but think that if I ever go on an insane killing spree, people are going to look back at this post and say, "We shoulda seen it coming. The writing was on the (virtual) wall." Of course, they'll all be misled, as it will actually be this post where I lost it. I'd hope to at least be a memorable killer. So many murderers get put in jail with hardly a news article.

Then there are the select few that are so sick or their stories so twisted that they are rewarded with memorable nicknames. I was at the dry cleaners yesterday, the news was on talking about "The Preppy Killer". Now I can only think of one other time I've heard the nickname preppy. (I'll give you a moment to think)

If you guessed Alfred Clifford Slater's nickname for Zach Morris, you'd be right. Now whether than nickname is cool outside the context of Saved By the Bell is a question I can't answer. But how do you make it cooler? Throw "Killer" and "The" as bookends around the word "Preppy". A bit more ominous.

What did this guy do? Killed a rich girl in Central Park. Oh and he was a "drug addict." I'm not going to go on a rant about how the only thing bad about illegal drugs is that they're illegal. Self destructive behavior and murder are two different things. That could go into a whole discussion about the "Nanny State" but no one's changing minds here (unless of course we've got a time machine and we can call it "bootlegging" instead of smuggling) He didn't kill a girl because he was a drug addict. It's a nicely packaged explanation as to a reason why he did it. Drunk, high whatever. How about crazy? Now he's back in jail after 15 years because of drugs. I guess after 15 years, what else is a guy gonna do, after being best known as a notorious killer. How could he not want to go back to jail. But I guess that comes with the territory of having a nickname that everyone knows.

How about the Russian "Chessboard Killer". 64 spaces on a board, and he killed 63. He was so close. This guy is ruthless and coldblooded. He preyed on the Russian's weakness for vodka and mourning a dead dog. "Most of the victims were men, whom Pichushkin had lured to the park with the promise of a drink of vodka to mourn the death of his "beloved" dog."

Now this guy's been given too much credit. Chess is a game of strategy, wit, patience, and foresight. You've also gotta be decently smart. This whole luring a guy with vodka and hitting over the head with a hammer? There's no finesse there. That's got monkey killer written all over it. Sure, he used a chessboard to mark each one of his victims. But you know what looks a bit like a chessboard? A checkers board. And that doesn't require half the smarts chess does. So we could call him the Checkers-Board Killer. Not quite as ominous.

What about drive-by shootings? Those guys don't ever get nicknames (besides one's they already have). How about..."the Connect-4 Killer"? That's got a nice ring to it. Connect 4 doesn't require much. Hell, even retards could throw the pieces in like a Plinko Board and get a lucky win. That's what a drive by is like. Roll up, fire into a crowd, sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss. And you're definitely retarded.

Monkeys 101

We must be T.O. and the rest of the blog-o-sphere is the NFL. No it's not because we're brash, cocky and possess undeniable skills that others love to hate. Sure on occassion we've been known to hold press conferences in our driveway while doing shirtless sit-ups. But that got old pretty quick once T.O. did it.

What do I mean then? When T.O. reached the 100 career touchdown mark, the Philadelphia Eagles and the NFL did nothing to acknowledge this career milestone. (2005 - During an interview with ESPN's Graham Bensinger on November 3, Owens took shots at the Eagles franchise for not publicly recognizing his 100th touchdown catch. During the interview he stated the Eagles showed a "lack of class". He also suggested the Eagles would be better off with Packers QB Brett Favre instead of Donovan McNabb. He also called Jeff Garcia gay...) Much like T.O.'s 100th TD, AoF's century post passed with little fanfare. Sure, I saw the post, did the "dirty bird" in my cubicle, grabbed a sharpie from my sock and signed my computer, handing it to the person who hands me my weekly indentured servant wage. Then I quickly took it back and sat down for fear of being blindsided by an irate Falcon's fan. Fortunately there are none here.

So what's with Monkeys 101? It's not an Introductory or Survey class in Monkeys. If it was, I would use it to weed out all the monkey students that just can't cut it. Life is cruel, not everyone can tame wild monkeys as a hobby. (you'd need at least a day to gain it's trust, but the first contact is the most important).

Monkeys 101 = 101st AoF post, and it happens to be about monkeys. Wild Monkeys. Dangerous Monkeys. Political Monkeys. (all one in the same). New Delhi, India seems like a crazy place to live. Gangs of monkeys patrolling the streets. Now they're attacking politicians. CNN reports "Wild monkeys attacked a senior government official who then fell from a balcony at his home and died Sunday, media reported."

Crazy stuff. We need to find the next, Monkey Hunter, or Monkey Whisperer perhaps. We are led to believe that there was no motive for the attack. Maybe this guy was on the government monkey control task force. Maybe he had just introduced a bill proposing to deport all the monkeys. Maybe he just picked the wrong time to eat a bowl of cheerios with sliced bananas on his balcony? Maybe there's a sinister, Austin Powers type plot to train a monkey army to take over the world, one deputy mayor at a time.
Wait. What am I saying. Anyone who reads AoF should know that monkeys are just assholes...

Word of the Day

Insufferable: Adj. In-suf-er-ah-buh-l
1. Not to be endured; intolerable; unbearable
i.e. Boston fans are insufferable
Note: Often used in improper situations by emotionally unstable NY fans, perhaps jealous that their closer would have missed the perched eagle with a Bud Light long pour.

I'm not getting into a pissing contest here, but the author of that post lives in NYC, asshole capitol of the world. This doesn't happen in Boston. Nor does our legislature need to take time away from taxing us at .75 on the dollar or creating needless projects for Ted Kennedy's union cronies to propose legislation like this. Although the torch has been passed by at least one person. Speaking of assholes though, Chris Berman needs to stop the nickname schtick, the low point coming with him humming a few bars of "My Sharona" then inserting Titans kicker Rob Bironas in there.


And for the record: Randy Moss, 2 catches, 4 total defenders draped on him. Have I proven the last post's assertion? Perhaps - I'd say more accurately, defending Boston - But 2 things: enjoy it while it lasts because the cyclical nature of sports says in no time your stuck watching 21 year old World Series videos and lamenting. And 2, a better question is do I care? I know Uncle Ralph doesn't.

Update: Monkeys are Still Assholes

What do you suppose the term is for something that is still newsworthy, but is hardly "breaking" or particularly current? It's probably not news, that entire word denotes a level of recentness. There, I'll go with that: Urgent Breaking Recent Stuff. Monkeys are still assholes. This is a topic that perhaps I should have addressed immediately given the level of importance, but its just that my blogging has gotten extremely lazy lately and mostly consists of creating posts around whatever stuff people send me. As aforementioned, I'm lazy, so it takes me a while to get around to some of the stuff. Enough stalling, back to the matter at hand, namely a topic so large that we've devoted numerous posts to it. I'll just reference you to the tag "Monkeys" where you can peruse all we've had to say on the matter. It's currently in a three way tie for second most popular asserted fact, and after today, oh boy, it's gonna take over sole possession of second.

Here in America, all we have to worry about, when it comes to monkeys, is getting hit with the occasional flung dook from a caged primate at the zoo. We have no idea how good we have it. In South Africa, however, goddamn street gangs of monkeys roam the city, terrorizing its denizens and committing all sorts of crimes. They've taken to just breaking into people's cars and homes looking for things to steal. They even set up look-out monkeys to make sure the coast is clear. That part I don't really understand, unless South Africa has a monkey penal system, where they can get 3-5 for a B&E. Although, given how in the not-too-distant past South Africa had a fairly prominent penal system that, to put it delicately, only incarcerated certain members of the race not in power, I guess anything is possible. Now that I think of that, fuck South Africa. That's what they get for carrying Apartheid WAY too far into modern times. I mean, Christ, they didn't end that until a full 130 years after we freed our slaves, and it's not exactly like we were quick to do that either. Sure, sure, all you sticklers out there will be quick to point out that Apartheid wasn't slavery. OK, not exactly, but, at the bare minimum, we had them beat by 30 years with our civil rights movements, so fuck off sticklers.

Before I hit you with the video, which is quite well put together, I might add, here's a quote from it, "They get into the kitchens, they know where the fridge is, they open it and take everything, and then they defecate everywhere." If you can't trust monkeys not to defecate in or around your fridge, then I just don't know what's left in this topsy-turvy world we live in. Also, side note, while I'm talking about the fact that we Americans are spoiled in our non-monkey violence world, I actually have a little monkey story that hits close to home. My father was actually bit by a monkey once. The manner in which he got bit is the best part. He was doing the typical tourist thing while in India, and while he was at the Taj Mahal, a fucking monkey leapt out of a tree (at least 20 feet away he said, probably more) and landed on his back and bit the back of his neck. Crazy vampire monkeys. Gave him rabies and everything. So before you young readers go to sleep tonight, thank your lucky stars that we don't live in a goddamned rabies filled leaping monkey society.

Fact: You Can Learn A Lot About People From the Internets

It is a fact. The vast expanse we know as "the internet" contains a wealth of information that only those privileged enough to own a computer with an internet connection can take advantage of.

Conceptually, the "internet" is not far from the universe, in and of itself quite abstract yet unlike the universe, far better connected. The designers of the internet know how it is put together and the ability to share this information has contributed to its growth. Perhaps the Earth's solar system is actually just one link in a vast organic computer. This analogy has become much to ridiculous for me to continue. This is why, when I am staring off into the distance and someone snaps me back to reality and asks what I was thinking, I usually go with, "nothing."


As the proverbial internet cup of knowledge overfloweth with FACT, Google has given us the unique opportunity to look into the minds of the worlds computer-literate populous to see what people are most interested in.

Shocking? Not really. The list is divided up by "search term" or "word" and each country is ranked first, second or third in frequency of times searched. Shockingly, the U.S. did not score high on the number of "sex" searches. That honor belonged to India, Egypt, and Turkey. How does it work? I'm not going to tell you. But go to THIS website, type in a search term, and find out which country, city, language searches that word the most. For instance, I arbitrarily typed "duck" and England had the top spot. Boston on the other hand had the most for cities, but London was a close second.

The report also stated that Chile searched the most for "gay". Not to say that Chileans are necessarily gay, but the population isn't that large right? Germany was top dog for Hitler, which has to make you wonder. That would be like Britney Spears doing a Google search for Kevin Federline. At one point the relationship looked like it worked, but in the end, everyone lost.

Here's the rest of the list compiled by Reuters:
"Jihad" - Morocco, Indonesia, Pakistan
"Terrorism" - Pakistan, Philippines, Australia
"Hangover" - Ireland, United Kingdom, United States (no one's surprised about this one)
"Burrito" - United States, Argentina, Canada
"Iraq" - United States, Australia, Canada
"Taliban" - Pakistan, Australia, Canada
"Tom Cruise" - Canada, United States, Australia (I bet if you searched Tom Cruise - nutjob the US would be first).
"Britney Spears" - Mexico, Venezuela, Canada (I think this search was tainted, the data was skewed because most Americans searched "absolute disaster" instead of her name).
"Homosexual" - Philippines, Chile, Venezuela - strange that Chile, Mexico and Columbia were tops when searching "Gay". Clearly there's a more scientific approach being taken here.
"Love" - Philippines, Australia, United States
"Botox" - Australia, United States, United Kingdom
"Viagra" - Italy, United Kingdom, Germany
"David Beckham" - Venezuela, United Kingdom, Mexico
"Kate Moss" - Ireland, United Kingdom, Sweden
"Dolly Buster" - Czech Republic, Austria, Slovakia - What's a dolly buster?
"Car bomb" - Australia, United States, Canada
"Marijuana" - Canada, United States, Australia
"IAEA" - Austria, Pakistan, Iran

Ok some of this wasn't as insightful as I would have hoped. The Irish look for hangover cures, Australians are looking for car bombs, Pakistan loves terrorism and Canada can't get enough of Tom Cruise.

Come to think of it, we here at AoF keep a careful tally of how many times we touch on a particular subject. We do this not for our own records but for the ease of our readers. Clearly the top 10 list does not accurately represent our main interests:
douchebags (23)
displays of manhood (9)
Monkeys (7)
Yankees (7)
Mets (6)
Moustachio Bashio (6)
Zombies (6)
24 (5)
Basketball (5)
Jesus (5)
Man v. Wild (5)
Red Sox (5)
Satire (5)
patriots (5)

Some of that is close but we're missing booze, whores, and Dolly Busters. Bear Grylls, Big Papi's recipe for mango salsa, gays, and double cheeseburgers are also absent from the list.

The saying goes that a picture is worth a thousand words. Well blogger won't let me post any pictures so I wrote about a thousand words.

Click here to get AoF back on the map!

Two Parter: Insufferable Bostonians; Vitamins Are Bad For You

Before I get on to the nonsense, I just want to pose a rhetorical question to the readership: When did Boston fans become such assholes? For a fanbase that, historically, has never had any of their franchises undergo any meaningful stretch of championships other than the Celtics....just wow. Let's look at this list of major sporting franchises (excluding the Celtics, who legitimately were nasty for quite a stretch, but, last time I checked, hasn't won a title in over 20 years). The Bruins have been utterly irrelevant since 1990 when they won their last Conference Championship and haven't hoisted Lord Stanley's Cup since 1972. The Red Sox were always in the thick of things throughout their history, but let's not forget that the "1918!" chant isn't too far in the past. And the Patriots......up until Super Bowl XXXVI they were seriously in the running for worst NFL franchise of all time.

I have my theories as to Boston fans douchebaggery. The Pats ripping off those three Super Bowl victories in four years certainly made them smug, but not overwhelming, they mostly confined themselves to talking shit about the Colts. The Sox busting the curse, or however you want to put the 86 year drought might have added to it. At least with the Sox, though, the bandwagon went through the roof and they became "America's Team". (Just for the record, I don't want to live in an America populated with douches wearing green jerseys and pink hats. I feel almost as strongly as Alec Baldwin about this.) My main theory takes into account the previous, but adds two key elements. The first is the current dominance of the Sox and (especially) the Pats. It lets Boston assholes bring their shit talking to a national level (although, to temper it slightly I just want to point out their current 2-1 hole in the ALCS). The second prong is, I think, the primary one: people from Boston are just kinda assholes. To put this in perspective, I'm on my second stint living in NYC, the first was spent in the Bronx during college. It's true, Yankees fans are about as bad as it gets, but they're just half of New York. With Boston, they're ALL Sox fans.

I just want to point out quickly that this wasn't necessarily reactionary to DGD's many, many posts about Boston sports superiority. He's a true fan and knows his ass from a hole in the ground, but knowledge isn't Boston's problem. They're mostly a knowledgeable sort, just currently insufferable. And yes, last time I checked, my teams haven't won titles in a fair while (Rangers: 1994, Giants: 1991, Mets: 1986, Knicks: 1973). Just a smidgen of bitterness but definitely not jealousy.

OK, the point of my post today was going to be about how Vitamin Water isn't that great for you after all. TW sent an e-mail last month alerting myself, DGD, and a certain Mook associate of AoF as to this. The whole point is that the shit has a ton of calories and sugar, both of which aren't great for you. But hey, it does still have vitamins in it, I guess. Besides, I just completed my daily Ironman, so I could use the extra calories. Also, I'll put in my body just about anything David Wright endorses. Although, I'm starting to hear rumors that he might be gay. OK, not rumors, but I've been told he gets his eyebrows waxed and that seems pretty gay. I'm just hoping he doesn't make the leap to endorsing anal beads, because then I'll be in trouble.

Weekend Asshole(s) Alert

In a slight spin on the weekend sports-gasm, AoF brings you assholes of the sports world. I'm not trying to make this a purely sports blog but in reality my life is sleeping, eating, pooping and watching sports, it's hard not to find things to comment on when that's your life, although look out next week for "The cushioned toilet seat: friend or foe?"

Asshole 1: Mike Francesa (left) of Mike and the Mad Dog on WFAN. A pretty knowledgeable guy (about the Yankees at least) made one of the most incredibly asinine statements every uttered on radio this week, exposing his total lack of understanding about the nuances of football, which is surprising given his resume. While making their weekly NFL picks and discussing the Vikings vs. Bears matchup, Francesa derided the Vikings for misusing their salary cap on (gasp) offensive linemen. He said: (and not a direct quote but this encompasses his sentiment) "the Vikings have totally mismanaged their cap room on . . . offensive linemen. I mean what a waste, you have to have some skill players back there and the Viking's stink. They're not going to win using this stupid model." Again not a direct quote, but close enough.

Nice job Mike, you now sound like the casual fan who knows nothing about the game expect Tom Brady is dreamy. I'll grab my girlfriend's pink jersey for you for to wear to the next game you go to. Now, assuming he was criticizing Tavarais Jackson as QB his argument is still flawed. A quality offensive line makes up for a ton of skills player inadequacies. Have an inexperienced QB who takes a long time to go through reads? Hmmm, I bet he could use a few extra seconds in the pocket (this also works for receivers that can't get open quickly (i.e. 2006 Patriots)). How about a marginal running back that can't get through the hole? I bet bigger holes open longer could fix that. But the proof is in the facts. Let's ask Barry Sanders, arguably the best skill position player of the 1990's, how he enjoyed life without an O-line. I'm willing to bet that he would have understood more cap room going to that position. Maybe we can go through the line of marginal backs to rush for 1,000 behind an absurd line in Denver. Or Peyton Manning and his ridiculous receivers getting smashed in the mouth by the Pats in '03 and '04. Hell Peyton was even nice enough to throw his shitty O-linemen under the bus and prove my point.

I, uh... I'm looking for a safe word here... [stuttering] I don't want to be a bad teammate... Let's just say we had some problems with the protection.

But best of all, Francesa forgot about Adrian Peterson. Yeah, the dude sucks to the tune of 224 yards and three tds. I bet he created all on his own. The Vikings o-line includes Matt Birk (C), Steve Hutchinson (LG) and Bryant McKinnie (LT). The right side aren't exactly schlubs either. A line of experienced, all-pro, and serious potential is a waste of money? Although I'm sure if I called the show to call him out on this it would be met with a ton of interrupting and "ehhhh, ehhhh you have no idea what you're talking about. Ahhhhh come on, you can't be serious, ehhhh." (All with the underlying tone of, I sit at this desk all day oh course I know better than you). I won't go as far to say Franseca is an idiot but . . . well, yeah I will.


Asshole(s) 2: Terrell Owens/Tony Romo following the Pats beating them like Ugueth Urbina beats his workers. Nevermind his stupid popcorn note. T.O. pulled the classic Kordell Stewart (no, not the one he used to solicit a gay prostitute) line of the best team doesn't always win. "We know we're better than this." And Tony Homo pulled the who knows that would have happened if we got that first down. I'm thinking it would have gone, Pats drive for another TD, but that's just me. You know what it's not worth my agitation. I can't go further and I won't.



Asshole 3: Wade Phillips. Has there ever been a coach that makes you want to choke him out while watching him on the sideline. Never mind he looks like the coach on the Waterboy. His stupid smile on that stupid face makes me want to smash my tv with a brick. Thanks for making a stupid ass comment about the Pats and their success though, it made Kyle Eckle's TD with 20 seconds left that much sweeter. Oh and Cowboy fans, a big shut the fuck up to all of you about the Pats rubbing it in. Your boy Red, I mean Wade, called timeout with 1:30 something left on the clock. Act like your still fighting and expect counter-punches to keep your petulant asses down. Bitches.

True Story

Watching Baseball Tonight on espn, Steve Phillips just said:

"If I had to pick (Braves GM now president) John Schuerholz out of a lineup I'd have to do it from behind."

Rather than my usual Simmons-esque mass e-mail I thought I'd share it in this forum. Glad to see not only is he a shitty GM, shitty self-interviewer, but also king of unintentional comedy.

Musings From the World of Politics and Zombies

Today we awoke to a world where Al Gore is a Nobel Peace Prize winner. Just because the award was given to an off-kilter slightly insane lefty does that mean the award is tarnished in my eyes? The answer is of course: abso-fucking-loutely. What a crock of shit, what's next Michael Moore winning one? Shit, I'm joining the movement to get Stephen Colbert one. On a serious note, it's things like this that make my inner ultra-conservative want to lash out and take away health care, schools and drop a bomb on every oil producing country, loot the remains and go on a nation wide parade passing out the looted wealth like candy to large corporations across the land.

In fact I would also like to raise awareness of the impending zombie epidemic that threatens our world. It's true, I have a shitload of facts and testimony from reputable sources (mostly a ton of movies and time wasted discussing this instead of studying). My "documentary" doesn't even require cautionary notes about the slanted manner in which I present the "facts." At one point God will unleash a disease upon us to raise the dead and they will devour us, ending civilization. It's all fact, don't believe me? You hate people and want us to perish one piece of torn flesh at a time.

I was thinking perhaps my bias played a role in this but then I read the Nobel Committee's reason for giving the award, which included such shit nuggets like global warming will lead to more war and conflict. I expected such twisted logic from the smug douchebags in Hollywood who give out awards based on who has the biggest mouth and who can smell their own fart the longest, but not from an award I previously viewed as prestigious. Sad day indeed. Don't take my word for it here's some actual scientists who do real work and don't necessarily disagree with Al Gore:

'It's every scientist's dream to win a Nobel Prize, so this is great for myself and the hundreds that worked on their reports over the years.
It is perhaps a little deflating though - that one man and his PowerPoint show has as much influence as the decades of dedicated work by so many scientists.'

'Al Gore doesn't understand the science behind climate change or he deliberately misrepresents it.'

And perhaps best put: "They [the Nobel committee] have a unique platform in getting people's attention on this issue, and I regret they have used it to make a political statement."

Indeed. So think hard readers. If you believe Al Gore, you should prepare for zombies. However, if you persist to deny the impending zombie holocaust, you are living a double standard and quite frankly we have no place for you here. I will take great pride in shooting you in the head from my perch atop the nearest Super-Walmart (guns and food what else do you need? I know MDC is down for at least the guns.)

The Well Overfloweth With Oral Tradition...and Donkeys

Take a trip down memory lane with me for a moment and harken yourself back to whatever period it was that you were in high school. I'm picking high school as a point in time just to be safe since one can never be too sure of the level of education that some receive in middle school. Now that I think about it, chances are some of you out there probably didn't learn all that much in high school either, so go ahead and just think back to college, assuming you went. Those that didn't go, think about bricklaying school or whatever it was that held so much allure that you couldn't bring yourself to even attend the local state school.

OK, now the point was to recall that, somewhere along the line, some English teacher of yours taught you all about archetypes and that all stories, regardless of time period or context, contain parallels to each other in that there is a finite amount of archetypical story lines. Compare, say, The Bible and The Matrix. Jesus and Neo, chosen by a higher power to safe humanity, death and resurrection and the like. That was an overly simple example but, again, I'm trying to be safe here.

The point of the above, besides to take up space (OK, mostly to take up space), was to bring the question around even further....do archetypes exist in other species? Putting aside for the moment the fact that who the hell knows what dogs communicate about, assuming they communicate at all, do their communications parallel the archetypes of humans? For example, when Lassie would "tell" the family that Timmy fell down the well, did she then relay this to other dogs later, and they would all nod knowingly? It seems that for as long as there's been wells, people have been falling down them, leading us to tell each other stories about it. Hell, look at recent filmmaking: "The Ring", "Batman Begins", "CyberDildos 8: Well Penetrated". These are just the culmination of oral traditions throughout history. Certainly, animals must do the same.

I vote yes, all species that exist near wells have rich oral histories of well fallings. As proof, here's a great little piece of reporting out of Maine, Minnesota about a donkey that fell down a well. When that ass fell in, he no doubt was well aware of his plight, given the countless stories of well dangers he had been told. The lead-in of the story is the best: "Bryan Nelson had to look twice Thursday when he looked down his abandoned well. 'A donkey was the last thing I expected to see,' Nelson said." The donkey, name either Amos or Andy, the owner doesn't know which, probably went on to tell other members of the Donkey Community about his travails. The only question is who he told first, Julian "Donkey Boy" Tavarez (l.) or John P. Creegan (r.)

Would it be fair to say: You can't celebrate Christmas before Halloween.

As the leaves turn colors, the days get shorter, and the weather gets a little colder we in the New England states cannot help but be aware that fall is upon us. When we think of fall we think of the holiday season, Columbus Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving. We think of costumes and raking. I am reminded of cool fall evening soccer games and hot apple jack (warm apple cider with Jack Daniels). A fun, happy time.

Today is October 11. Over a week ago, long after the office NFL pool died (well not totally dead, I think it still exists for a select few. Ironically, a woman organized the NFL pool and it seems that almost exclusively women are it's participants. I'd be upset but it's like the type of girl who wins your NCAA pool because she has no idea about who SHOULD win, and then manage to pick the crazy upsets like Holy Cross because purple is pretty...I'm not saying that this is the case, but I'd be far more bitter if I lost.) I was asked to pick a slip of paper out of a redweld (a file carrying accordian like device that I wish was never invented because no matter how big you make them there never seems to be enough room) for the departments Secret Santa. I don't hate the people I work with. I actually like them, which is more than I can say for a lot of people I've encountered. I get to do things with them like hit golf balls at the driving range during lunch or drink a beer. It's really not that bad for what I do. But man do I hate Secret Santa, particularly with people I don't know very well.

Back to my real peeve though. Secret Santa selection in the first week of October?! Really? Summer has just officially ended, it's still f'ing hot outside, and the baseball postseason just started. Hell, Tim Allen hasn't even donned a fat suit for "The Santa Clause - 12". My refusal (yes I flat out refused) to pick a name out of the redweld resulted in a balled up piece of paper being thrown at me (presumeably with a name on it), which I placed in a file marked "do not open until November".

I'm going to enjoy my fall. Maybe I'll roll around in some leaves, or sit outside with some apple jack. Maybe I'll knit a scarf or chop down a tree. Maybe I'll go apple picking or comfortably play golf wearing pants and an argyle sweater-vest. All I know is that when the Christmas spirit finally hits, _____'s name on the piece of paper had better enjoy the fruitcake.

From the World of Entertainment

Why do people do what they do? What determines the tastes and preferences of American pop culture? What exactly is pop culture? I could hypothesize a books worth of words trying to figure out the answers to these questions. Rather than do that, I'm going to point out a few things that make me shake my head in amazement. Britney Spears, the unfit mother and one time pop-superstar, has another hit on her hands. I'm going to admit, right off the bat, that I don't know the song. Maybe it's really good. The thing is, even if you try and convince me it is good, I'm going to dismiss your taste in music. Sure that's a close-minded stance to take, but you're also an idiot.

By the way, does anyone remember this? I bet Daniel Edwards (whoever that is) is kicking himself now. Is there a pro-adoption sculpture that can accompany the pro-douchebag-gets-custody and pro-unfit-mother sculptures?

Did anyone know that Hanson still toured? If you are/were a Hanson fan, and/or have been to a Hanson concert in the past...lets say 3 years, I invite you to comment on any of the following: their nusical merits, showmanship, songwriting capabilities, and hairstyles. Also, are they still pedalling MmmmBop as the only recognizeable song they play? I figured they went the way of the Spice Girls or Nsync. You know, one of them goes solo, the other comes out of the closet and the third marries a big time soccer star who doesn't realize he's a dude. I guess I'm more shocked than anything...

You figure it's got to be either public opinion or curiosity, or perhaps even a resiliance that only the Colorado Rockies/Kaz Matsui can muster that keeps bands like Hanson afloat. Why didn't NKOTB (New Kids On the Block), or Kriss Kross survive? (Apparently Hanson has always had their own label. Mystery solved).

Quickly changing gears, we move into the realm of television, movies and "YouTube". They saying is that everyone gets 15 seconds of fame. Not true. Fame-hoggers are everywhere, stealing away fame from everyone else. On average I'd estimate that everyone gets about 6.5 seconds of fame, spaced out over the course of a lifetime. Whether it is being shown on TV while at a sporting event for a half second, or being on the news for something (good or bad) we all manage to get ours. Sometimes though, people choose to make their own headlines. This would be much funnier if the woman hadn't died. Apparently this is what happens in Britan when you smoke a joint and drink at the same time.

Finally, HBO's got another great idea for a TV movie. Rape. Oh, actually it's not rape. Those scripts are forwarded directly to Lifetime and are fast-tracked. I meant the Duke Lacrosse Team Sexual Assault Case. I can't see this being very good. Actually the only way I CAN see this being good is if they cast a Will Ferrel or Sinbad type to play the pimp.

Meet the Mets

It's unfortunate that I waited so long to write this post, but perhaps the few days that I allowed to elapse before composing this was a good thing (that and I'm overwhelmingly lazy lately). I realize that TW's post immediately before this one was entirely about the subject I'm about to tackle, as well as DGD's post before that, to a certain extent. It's just that the Mets are too big for me to ignore right now, especially while postseason baseball is taunting me from every angle. I can't walk down the street right now without seeing a copy of the Daily News or the Post, front page mind you, absolutely shitting on the Mets. It's been over a week now, since even before the "collapse" (as if Shea itself crumbled to the ground, pinning everyone inside). Anyway, if you're getting sick of these Mets posts, fuck you. Go read something else on the internet that is far and away less insightful/zombie related. Don't be a bandwagon AoFer. This is what consumes two-thirds of our editorial board.

As to my personal feelings on the matter: I was/am still occasionally physically ill over the matter. It comes and goes in waves. It began about Friday of last week when it began to look particularly dire, especially after the game and the Phillies took over first place. I remarked last night to my roommate, also a Mets fan (an Eagles fan, though, which is gross for sharing a comaraderie with those fucking animals in Philadelphia. The name of the city just sickens me. If "It's Always Sunny in _______" wasn't the best show on TV right now....), that my emotions cover the spectrum from complete apathy to homicidal rage, and no place in between. I'm either dead inside or, given the appropriate weaponry, would probably murder a Phillies or Yankees fan/player. There is nothing enjoyable about this, there's no silver lining. That is not to say that it is completely unexpected. I'm 25. I've been a Mets fan since 2nd grade. That's 18 years. Maybe not a lot to the older generations who can speak to it more, but this is what the Mets do. They don't win. They've been around for 45 years and have won two World Series. That's only about every 20 years or so. Granted, we're due. But still, they've been the butt of every baseball joke since their inception in 1962 when they set the record for baseball futility with 120 losses. Our identity is to lose, and not in a lovable Cubs fashion. We will win again, don't get me wrong, but a true Mets fan survives this, because it hasn't been the first time and it won't be the last.

As to the opinions of the media and possibly the rest of the public: Either everyone in the world is nuts or editors are just trying to sell newspapers. I'm hoping it's the latter. The headlines are probably hysterical to a non-Mets fan. To us it just hurts. I don't understand how a hometown newspaper could so purposefully crap on the hearts of a huge segment of their readership. It's as if they haven't seen the studies that show that more New Yorkers are actually Mets fans. It's the dirtbags from bullshit places in the world like Colorado and New Jersey that comprise the Yankee fanbase. Here's a great and abbreviated list of some of the headlines that have graced the New York Post (a fine Rupert Murdoch publication. Fair and Balanced indeed): "Amazin' Apathy", "Another Stain in Flushing", "From Champs to Chumps", "Reyes Leaves a Season Stolen", "There's No More Joy in Met-Ville! Shea Faithful Driven to Tears as Once-Mighty Crew Chokes".

As to my personal silver lining: None as far as the Mets are concerned. It's unfortunate, however, since last weekend was shaping up to be a PERFECT sports weekend for me. On Saturday, Maine threw his incredible game AND the Phillies, Padres, and Rockies all lost. All looked well. Auburn was on the schedule to play Florida, AT Florida. (Side note: not sure if I ever mentioned in previous posts, I'm an Auburn fan. Kinda random, but that's just the way it is.) When Wes Fucking Byrum split the uprights to seal the upset, all seemed perfect. I just had a great feeling that the Mets were gonna close it out. But then Glavine shit the bed on the scale of Montezuma's Revenge and it was over. Never mind that I took the Lions at +3 and the Giants put on a defensive clinic to make the weekend almost perfect. Too bad the one exception was the biggest. But it's almost OK. Auburn saved their season. My Aunt sent me the pictures of Toomer's Corner after the game, which you can check out here. For those who are unaware, it's on the edge of the Auburn campus, kinda where it meets the traditional proper of the town. It's also where everyone goes to celebrate after wins. These images are what's gonna get me through this horrible horrible horrible Mets finale this year. But hey, there's always next year.

Fact: If You Can't See The Field You're Not Trying.

I understand frustration, disappointment, feeling disenfranchised. I sat in Shea Stadium Sunday afternoon until the final out was made, long after the Jose chant was replaced with boos raining down from the upper deck and the stadium mostly emptied in the 6th inning. I watched my team squander two bases loaded opportunities with futile fly balls, as if one swing was going to erase a seven run first inning deficit.

I didn't boo Glavine when he exited after making only 1 out. I didn't boo Reyes when he finally went 0-5 on at least 3 fly balls. They probably deserved it. I sat in silence for most of the second half of the game watching as the post-season slipped away on the swings of a Triple A ball club.

I don't think I ever stopped believing that they would come back. I cheered every out and every strike thrown by the Mets committee of relief pitchers (who actually did fairly well). What really took the wind out of my sails, and pretty much lose my faith in humanity was during a two out bases loaded rally, with the entire stadium on their feet and Ramon Castro up to bat, I was tapped on the shoulder mid cheer, and asked told me to sit down because he couldn't see. First off, the man was easily in his 50's, was SITTING DOWN, and did not shut the fuck up the entire game, stating facts about players that were flat out wrong. Not even just slightly off. WRONG. For example "Lastings Milledge hits better lefty." Last I checked, Milledge doesn't switch hit.

His baseball ineptitude aside, I was completely dumbfounded at his request. Needless to say, had I sat down, my view is then obstructed by standing fans. Does this mean we're all supposed to go down the line tapping people and asking them to sit? After ducking for a bit and regaining my bearings, I told the guy that I was sorry but there was no way I was going to remain seated during THE pivotal game of the season. Sure, I tried to be as courteous as possible, sitting when appropriate, standing when there was reason to. Hell I even remained in my seat when Kevin James came on the jumbo-tron, told everyone to stand up and led a "Let's Go Mets" chant. Still, amid all the losing going on in Flushing and once the disappointment of the season ending dulled, I am still left with this experience. I'm just glad that this wasn't the last season in Shea, or I'd be left with this as my last memory. If I had to do it all over again, I'd stand the whole game.

They say there's always a silver lining if you look hard enough. Another thing that irks me when it comes to "fandom" is when a team has success, there are people waiting to jump on the bandwagon. People like to feel good, I get it, but part of being a fan is living through the tough times. At least one faux fan outed himself in the Daily News. Frustration, disappointment, anger. I get it. But a public denouncement. That's just disgraceful.

Adam Sommers of the Daily News writes:

"It didn't start out this way. I was 8 years old when I watched the Miracle of '69. I could not imagine that virtually every year after that would be a different version of the same torture.
Sure, they had their moments in 1973 and of course there was 1986, but those are just tiny islands in the Mets' sea of misery.
Luckily, baseball happiness is only a subway ride away.
Yes, that's right, I have decided to become a Yankee fan."

I'd like to think that he wrote this piece in jest. In fact for his sake and reputation I hope he wasn't serious. If he was I'm glad he was outed as the bandwagon jumping poser that he is, and I hope to never see another column from him again writing as a Mets fan. Bandwagon fans are good, sell more tickets, make more money, sign more expensive players. But there are just some things that absolutely kill me, like when bandwagon fans go the way of Benedict Arnold and talk shit about "their" team, all while signing their "Red Sox Nation" membership card or whoever the next best team is. I hope that real Yankee fans don't accept him. For them I have respect.

If there's one argument I hate from Yankees fans (generally directed to the Red Sox) is the "26 Championships" argument. It's always a fall back argument used when someone makes a point, legit or not, about why one team is better than the Yankees. 26 Championships, yeah but that has no bearing on THIS season. Sommers makes this point, albeit slightly more legimate in the context of his editorial but every team falls on tough times. (which may not be true anymore given the lack of parity in baseball). The Yankees have been good, I'll take nothing away from them there, but they've had a century to win 26 times. Cut the crap, that argument isn't going to win anyone over (to the dark side).

Speaking of the dark side...

"While you may have heard that Yankees Joba Chamberlain, Tyler Clippard, Ian Kennedy and Jeff Karstens were hanging at The Plumm last week celebrating Joba's 22nd birthday, the best part was left out: The fellas were having such a good time, they took turns giving each other lap dances."

Who am I going to root for now that the Mets are done? I began the season looking for an AL club, much like trying to choose a UEFA Soccer team, and decided I would try and follow the Indians. Admittedly I did a terrible job doing so, but now if I had to pick, they're the only AL team that I can't find a reason to root against. Sorry Yankee and Red Sox fans, I've been a Met fan in the Northeast too long to even consider making that leap.

Weekend Sports-gazm

Amazing sports weekend. I must commment briefly on everything I found intriguing.

First, the Good:

The Red Sox, wrapping up the best record in baseball perhaps made sweeter by the fact that it was done by a blown rubber by Mariano. Backed in? Oh no, the ultra-clutch JD Drew made that a moot point by leading the Sox to victory the next day. Interestingly enough, Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon (as seen below) made it perfectly clear that pants are never acceptable at a celebration.



The Giants defense. To be fair, I'm not condoning racism, but clearly Osi hates Donovan McNabb for being black and took out his racist vendetta against him. 12 sacks? That's amazing at any level. The defensive performance put on by the Giants was impressive to say the least and enjoyable to watch. The only thing better would have been if Antonio Pierce blew an air horn in McNabb's face after every sack.

QB play. Tony Romo. Looking good, although I think somewhere Drew Bledsoe thinks he still got jobbed by him and Brady. Brett Favre. I'll give credit where credit's due, but I still think he's a douche in some regards. Trent Edwards. This is Dougie's sleeper for future franchise QB.

The Bad:

A big fuck you to Norv Turner, LDT (that's right "D"T . . . nickname stealing prick), and the rest of the overrated Chargers. While his face after the Pats game still makes me happy, his continued suck-fest does not. You just blew a 16 - 6 lead to a team coached by this. In the process you knocked me out of my pick 'em league where I had it set up perfectly for a late season sweep by picking crappy teams early. You have all been added to the list (along with Sting, Sean Penn and John Kerry) of people I wouldn't piss on if you were on fire. This brings me to an interesting thought though: Why are we all so pissed off that Norv Turner is ruining this team? We all knew it was coming, Norv is a terrible head coach. Every time he throws on a headset he is the Peter Principal in action. Maybe it should be the Norv Principal instead. So, we all know he sucks, yet the Chargers threw him a ton of money to ruin a contender. If someone offered you a head coaching job would you turn it down? Exactly. This is Norv being Norv. Get off his back and pile on AJ Smith for hiring an incompetent. You stay classy San Diego.

I came back to AoF headquarters expecting to find at least one editor hanging from the rafters and waiting for the call from the AoF satillite office in Brooklyn reporting the death of the other given the New York Metropolitan's epic collapse. I'd probably classify this in the ugly, but there's no other way to describe this team in the last fews weeks than just plain bad. As a casual Metropolitan observer it seems clear that blowing (fairly large) leads (seemingly) for a week straight makes this editor believe they were better off staying home given that they were headed for a quick exit anyway. However, that's not the bad here. The bad is that instead the Phillies got in. For the record, I have no problem with the Phillies. I do, however, have a huge problem with their fans. New York fans as assholes? I'm not sure the word asshole is derogatory enough for these legions of douchebags. This is a city more desparate than a fat girl on prom night. Seriously, they embraced a fucking horse as a champion. That's like banging a sheep and claiming you got laid. Well, maybe a sheep that then died and brought the crazies out of the woodwork.

The Ugly (and mildly retarded and douchy):

The Ravens offense. Yeah, I get it their defense is decent. That's right decent. I don't understand why everyone jumps their nuts all the time though. Wasn't Billick supposed to be an offensive genius? McNair, nasty five years ago. If you haven't noticed they still have the league's (and God's) loudest linebacker, but the best linebacker defected to the team that is going to shut up the old asses of the '72 Dolphins. I hope they choke on their champagne. Oh, and Merrill Hodge. You can shut the fuck up about the Steelers contending with the Pats and Colts. Nice game against the Cardinals. Yeah, big time. How fitting I found this tournament of douches clip to tie that together. Yeah, I'd hate to be "stuck" with Vince Young too.


Look closely at this picture friends. This is the face of douchiness staring you in the face. He and his douchebag representatives are the reason I can't go home without hearing an endless stream of shitty lawyer jokes. Yeah, public interest lawyers. More like this rich homo is paying you a ton of money to give him 15 min of fame and you are clogging up the already backlogged courts with your ridiculous bullshit. He also illustrates my biggest pet peeve in life. Look at me, I'm wearing a suit . . . AND A FUCKING HAT. For fuck's sake, I expect (but never accept) this from wanna-be hippie undergrads or douchebags. You already have the shirt and tie on, is the hat that much of your persona that you can't lose it. Or conversely, you can't find a Jets sweatshirt or jacket to go to the game in. Closing big deals during the game pal? Yeah, those Sundays at the game are where fortunes are made. Fuck you and your back stabbing coach. Which leads me to the shit-fest that is . . .

The AFC East. The suck-fest between the Jets and Bills typifies the rest of the division outside of New England. 0 - 0 at half, Dougie's dad comes in and says, "wow must be a good defensive game." Quite the opposite. It was a clinic of offensive ineptitude, although it looks like Buffalo may have something in Trent Edwards. Buffalo fans should pay Vince Wilfork's fine for him. On another note, it's good to see turn-coat Mangina getting struck down by the football Gods (which may be Ray Lewis) for breaking both of life's most important rules according to Goodfellas: Keep your mouth shut and never rat on your friends.

Chicago Bears QB situation. Nice to see both of their QB's suck ass. Byron Leftwich anyone?

I still have a big problem with espn's "ultimate highlight." It's a montage of highlight'S', it's not just one highlight. Cut the shit and the crappy songs already. Maybe a montage of montages would be better.



And a sad note. Dougie's name sake came up with the bases loaded and a chance to send the Sox to October with a W. He was either going to homer or strike out, and it was the latter. Ugly, yet strangely tragic at the same time.

*Note: I do feel for Mets fans but the same time they have officially inspired a new level of Sports Guy losing.