ROCKET!!!

Fuck Roger Clemens.

Just for the record, it must be known that this isn't a particularly new sentiment on my part. I've pretty much despised every fiber of his being with all that I've got for quite a while. I'm nothing if not a man of principle, and this has been the unwavering bedrock that all my other beliefs have been rooted in.

As a (possibly) quick recap on how big a bag of shit the Rocket is, let's take a quick stroll down memory lane. Bear in mind, this isn't a list of every one of his acts of douchebaggery, merely things that he has done that has personally bothered the shit out of me:
1. Force a trade to the Yankees in the first place. I'm sure the BJs were dying to trade a player that had just won two straight Cy Youngs. Of course he immediately won a World Series, all while rubbing Babe Ruth's bust before he went to the mound. Douchebaggery.
2. Beaning Piazza during a Subway Series in 2000, not one month after Piazza had hit a grand slam against him, not to mention the fact that Piazza had owned him his entire career. High and tight fastball. Unequivocally a beanball.
3. Throwing the bat at Piazza in the World Series itself. This one didn't bother me so much, it just seemed like one more juvenile act for a man who refers to himself as the Rocket and named all of his kids starting with the letter K. I think it's Kody, (Hot) Karl, Krauszer's....fuck it, not gonna look it up. Besides, I think it's more because he's a Klansman than for the strikeouts. On a side note, one shining moment in my life was to skip class for the ticker tape parade that year just to scream "Fuck you Clemens!" when he rolled by on the float.
4. His first "retirement" in 2003. I almost would've felt bad for the Yankees if they weren't soulless creatures not worthy of human emotions like pity or sympathy. For space saving purposes, I'm gonna go with retirements 2-5 as also shitty, mostly jerking around a reasonable team like the Astros now.
5. The fact that he refused to sign until the beginning of June last year. Great steroids conspiracy. Definitely secret 50-game suspension.
6. Showing up in the owner's box this year like he was the Messiah. Who knew that Yankees fans were honestly this pathetic that a 45-year old overweight man would be the savior of their season. BTW, they're 3 games under .500 right now. ROCKET!!!!!
7. This one's the biggest, and I deserve a rousing game of hide the dook somewhere in my house for the bad karma I laid on everyone: I drafted Clemens this year in fantasy. Not to bother everyone with the details, because no one likes to hear about someone else's fantasy team, but CHRIST I'm a retard and Clemens makes me want to personally find a way to strangle him with piano wire. Fuck his groin (that sounds bad), legs, whatever other shit's not in shape yet. It's the end of June. Get into shape or retire. Goddamn. At least he's gotten me 1 win with 22 Ks to the tune of a 5.32 ERA. (Side note: here's his wife's website. These hicks from Texas can't get enough money. She's even selling shit on it.)

Here's the point. Have you honestly sat down and thought about how much money he makes to do literally nothing. The original contract was for $28 million, prorated over the amount of time he spends on the roster. He wasn't added to the roster until June 1st, so lets say that he's gonna make $18.67 mil. this year (that's the last four months of the season, no postseason because there's no way in hell this year, bitches). That's $4.67 mil./month, $155.6k/day, $6,481/hour, $270/minute, and $4.50/second. I've seen the math where he makes so and so per pitch, whatever per start. That's not gonna do it for me. For me, this math works better. On the four days he's not pitching, he makes over $600,000.00. That's an insane number. Let's look at other things he might do. How much do you make to watch TV? Probably nothing. He made almost 13 grand to watch Passion of the Christ. Probably double that since he always has to watch it twice in a row at least. Since he's probably never in a rush, not like he has a job or anything, he makes 2 grand to take a shit. I make nothing to take a shit, although I should. He makes 50 bucks just to have a fleeting thought about how much he makes. His pay to ruin my fantasy team? Priceless.

In closing, here's a great short that I'm sure you've all seen by now from Funny or Die. Normally they would demand we take the video down, but since no one reads this site, I'm pretty sure we're safe.

Fact: The Knicks should sign Bill Bellamy as Player-Coach

Never was there an athlete who found such success on the basketball court as Violator's player-coach Bill Bellamy. Never has anyone gone 2-80 from the field yet finished with 52 points after hitting a game winning 50 point shot with 3:34 left in the 3rd quarter. Rock and Jock success must translate to NBA success.

(Perhaps David Stern should consider doing away with dress codes and "professionalism" in pro-sports, and adopt the rules of the once annual, now defunct "Rock and Jock" basketball game. Remember when going "pro" meant getting paid for playing rather than its new interpretation of having to dress snazzier than Walt Clyde's moustasche on a humid Manhattan afternoon?)

I digress...anyway, think about it. Not only would the Knicks not need last minute heroics by Jamal Crawford, Stephon Marbury, and even the occassional buzzer beater by Sir Stevie Franchise "Bacon"(watch him sizzle), but we could do away with all three players as well as relegate Isaiah to the assistant coach spot. (or how about fired?)

Not only was Bellamy a great MTV V.J. (video jockey for those of you who missed the decade and a half when MTV actually meant Music TV), his on court antics coupled with his Belichick-esq on-court strategy (a shout out for the Pats-fan AoF Editor), makes him the prime court-side...nay, in-game general. As evidenced by his above interview he would love to pass like Magic and I'm certain he could swish and dish, as well as slice and dice up the Garden floor in like fashion.

Great basketball rivalries: Jordan-Bird? Yeah pretty good, but the video game kind of sucked. Magic-Bird, better.

I offer you this one: Bellamy-Cortese. That's right. Bill Bellamy versus Dan Cortese. I didn't write the article, happened to stumble upon it, but as I recall Bellamy always got the best of Cortese and the Bricklayers. Anyone recall when Simon Rex tried to step into the spotlight. Pathetic.

A final question for you: Who was the greatest Rock and Jock basketball player ever??

No, not Gena Lee Nolin (who?)

Not Dean Cain (Captian at one point, but Superman on the court he was not (although I seem to recall a big shot made)

Not JTT.

I hope you were thinking of This Guy.

UPDATE: I orginally thought this was going to be a post about what moves the Knicks should make prior to the draft. That just seemed too serious. Seriously. Just to make my point, the Knicks need one of either Gilbert Arenas or Kobe Bryant. I'd trade everyone if need be. They may not win a title, but it would sure be entertaining. Is there not one individual in sports more singularly entertaining than Gilbert Arenas? Who else has a list of every player drafted before him that he crosses off as they each exit the league? Who else yells "hibachi" after sinking a tough shot? Maybe he really enjoys Benihana....

FACT: Movie Spoilers

Not too long ago (read: almost 3 months ago, damn I gotta post more often) I posted about some particularly ridiculous goings on in "24". I only mention this because, at the time, I was gonna make that entire post about spoiling the endings to things. Not surprisingly, I rambled on for a few paragraphs, got pretty lazy, and decided to call it a day. I figured I could always come back to that idea at some point. Well, that time is now. Buckle your seatbelts and brace yourselves, because you're about to find out the surprise endings to a few movies that you may or may not have seen.

In terms of how I assembled this list, I just went to IMDB and checked out what were the most popularly rated movies. It's a pretty random list and just goes to show that the Internet is populated 70% by fat nerds; 10% by pompous asses that access the Internet on their Macs, at Starbucks, which they drove to in their Priuses (Prii?), while wearing Crocs; and .00000001% AoF readers. The rest is made up of the Chinese. Man they're catching up to us fast if you believe the news. Without further ado:

1. The Godfather - They all say to themselves, "Man, my guidance counselor really was right, crime doesn't pay. I'm gonna go back to school, get my degree, and really turn my life around." Then they get houses in the suburbs, settle down into nice-easy lifestyles, raise their families, and kick back in front of the TV most nights. One Sunday, they're watching HBO, happen to see how the Sopranos ended, get pissed off like everyone else, and revert to their old ways. All because David Chase is an asshole. On a side note, the newscast on Monday seriously covered this, for an entire commercial to commercial segment. Charles Gibson, take heed, there's a reason no one's ever heard of you.

2.Shawshank Redemption - Andy DuFresne drops dead of hepatitis A. Seriously, he swam for a mile in shit. Were prisoners particularly up to date on their vaccinations back then?

3.The Lord of the Rings - Seriously, geeks? Best movie ever? This movie has got to top the list of "Most Often Beaten Off to While Simultaneously Watching Anime Porn on Another Screen".

4.Pulp Fiction - The briefcase in the end definitely has twenty double cheeseburgers in it. Marcellus Wallace scoffs at ten.

5.Casablanca - Bogart singlehandedly ends WWII. Also, definitely tells that chick not to get on the plane, mostly because this was 1942 and she had the kind of rack that money couldn't buy yet.

6.Schindler's List - Are we even allowed to joke about this movie? Definitely not in Germany. I'm also pretty sure the Germans were punishing the Jews for what happened in #10 on this list.

7.Star Wars - Nerds strike again. In the original ending, Luke lost his virginity to a gay sex robot. (can robots be gay? I got my fingers crossed.) I was gonna make up a clever porn title, but the nerds beat me to it. Here's a few nuggets: "Sith On My Face", "Hutt Sluts", and "Hands Solo". Man, after a tough day of World of Warcraft, nothing helps a geek unwind like some usenet star wars related message board posting.

8.Raiders of the Lost Ark - Fucking Nazi's faces melt off at the end. Not even gonna make this one up. It was that awesome. For what it's worth, sports announcer Gary Thorne definitely looks like the head Nazi.

9.The Usual Suspects - It was the butler. You know what, I'm not gonna come up with something better than that. Kevin Spacey plays a retard and turns out to be the bad guy. Why does everyone love this movie? It's like a shitty version of CLUE. Now that's cinema.

10.Passion of the Christ - Didn't get around to seeing it, actually. I figured, since I read the book, why bother?

Fact: Joey Harrington Thinks Jeter's a Bitch

This is killing me. Besides every network pounding the Yankee demise down our throats, we now have to listen to the Yankees and their "comeback." Here's one fact: they are still 9.5 games back, here's another fact, they (at the moment I'm writing this) are not yet above .500. Now honestly, for a payroll well above $200 million and the Brett Favre of MLB coming back to save the day and the equivalent of a 2000-2001 ish All-Star squad 1-9 there's no goddamn reason that they should be below .500 in the first place.

Honestly, I want to rip out my eardrums every time I flip on Sportscenter and have to hear about the "Yankee Comeback". Alright I'll give you that they won 6 straight, over the White Sox and the PIRATES!!! In other news, my intramural basketball team won 6 straight by sweeping a 3 games series with the School for the Blind and then sweeping the local quadriplegic all-stars.

At least Sportscenter has begun mocking the sea of assholes they call Yankee fans by pointing out that every home run that a-rod now hits makes him a "true Yankee". This makes me feel a little better about having to hear the YES network call themselves the network of champions, no not really that still makes me wish with every fiber in my body that Bob Sheppard would drop dead and that Steinbrenner would pull a Cory Lidle.

Now for the good stuff. Joey Harrington hates the Yankees as well.


Friends of AoF were present at the middle game of a 3 game set with the Yankees perched upon the monster. One such rouge was getting beers in line when he was berated by a drunk Boston fan babbling about Joey Harrington. His interest mildly piqued, he ventured down the aisle and in fact, Joey Harrington was seated in the first row of the monster seats. Now, by all accounts Mr. Harrington was nothing but friendly and accommodating to the drunken requests for pictures after 3 innings of shouting at him. The greatest part of this picture, Harrington's t-shirt. He also engaged in a rousing rendition of Sweet Caroline, which is 10x better than the God Bless America that the Yankees pompously shove down our throats. (that's right yankee fans no one loves america more than you, or at least the welfare checks it provides to you). That's one hell of a guy right there. Hey Joey, just so you know, we're all rooting for a Vick indictment.

Heads-Up Post

I stand before you (figuratively) today to deliver what hopes to be a succint State of the Fact Assertions Address. As you are no doubt aware, there has been little to no posting as of the past month and a half or so. To that I offer two forms of explanation:

One: If diamonds could be found everywhere and all the time, they wouldn't be worth that much now would they. Posting these little nuggets of distilled genius takes time (at least 20 minutes). If we keep the supply down, the price will stay up, or something along those lines, I'm no scientist.

Two: The actual reason, mostly that the authors of AoF are attempting to remedy the fact that we learned nothing of substance during three years of law school and just found out there's this thing called the bar (I believe that's the name...) that aims to test every single fact that has ever been known about the law (Rehnquist preferred to go commando...little known fact). This reason has it's flaws also, mostly that by referring to us as authors, it implied we have any ability to write.

All this being said, I am glad to say that the site appears to be operating well, readership is at an all-time high, profits are up, losses are down, chickens are in every pot, cars are in every garage, etc. (I make no warranty as to the truthfulness of anything in the preceding sentence).

Apologies to those looking for something reasonable to follow, but the following possibilities were posed to me this week...Question: Could Wolverine turn into a Zombie? I say no, mostly in that his superhealing would probably counteract the zombie bite. For the sake of argument, though, once a zombie, he'd be unstoppable with the adamantium skeleton. How about the Incredible Hulk? Here, the consensus is yes, mostly since he's usually Bruce Banner and vulnerable. Being a Zombie would probably make him angry all the time though, and that wouldn't be good for business either.

Wow, I almost broke a sweat blogging right there. That really got out of hand fast. I mean that really escalated quickly.

P.S. Moustachio Bashio Next Week

P.P.S. Kevin Galin doesn't care about black people.