ROCKET!!!

Fuck Roger Clemens.

Just for the record, it must be known that this isn't a particularly new sentiment on my part. I've pretty much despised every fiber of his being with all that I've got for quite a while. I'm nothing if not a man of principle, and this has been the unwavering bedrock that all my other beliefs have been rooted in.

As a (possibly) quick recap on how big a bag of shit the Rocket is, let's take a quick stroll down memory lane. Bear in mind, this isn't a list of every one of his acts of douchebaggery, merely things that he has done that has personally bothered the shit out of me:
1. Force a trade to the Yankees in the first place. I'm sure the BJs were dying to trade a player that had just won two straight Cy Youngs. Of course he immediately won a World Series, all while rubbing Babe Ruth's bust before he went to the mound. Douchebaggery.
2. Beaning Piazza during a Subway Series in 2000, not one month after Piazza had hit a grand slam against him, not to mention the fact that Piazza had owned him his entire career. High and tight fastball. Unequivocally a beanball.
3. Throwing the bat at Piazza in the World Series itself. This one didn't bother me so much, it just seemed like one more juvenile act for a man who refers to himself as the Rocket and named all of his kids starting with the letter K. I think it's Kody, (Hot) Karl, Krauszer's....fuck it, not gonna look it up. Besides, I think it's more because he's a Klansman than for the strikeouts. On a side note, one shining moment in my life was to skip class for the ticker tape parade that year just to scream "Fuck you Clemens!" when he rolled by on the float.
4. His first "retirement" in 2003. I almost would've felt bad for the Yankees if they weren't soulless creatures not worthy of human emotions like pity or sympathy. For space saving purposes, I'm gonna go with retirements 2-5 as also shitty, mostly jerking around a reasonable team like the Astros now.
5. The fact that he refused to sign until the beginning of June last year. Great steroids conspiracy. Definitely secret 50-game suspension.
6. Showing up in the owner's box this year like he was the Messiah. Who knew that Yankees fans were honestly this pathetic that a 45-year old overweight man would be the savior of their season. BTW, they're 3 games under .500 right now. ROCKET!!!!!
7. This one's the biggest, and I deserve a rousing game of hide the dook somewhere in my house for the bad karma I laid on everyone: I drafted Clemens this year in fantasy. Not to bother everyone with the details, because no one likes to hear about someone else's fantasy team, but CHRIST I'm a retard and Clemens makes me want to personally find a way to strangle him with piano wire. Fuck his groin (that sounds bad), legs, whatever other shit's not in shape yet. It's the end of June. Get into shape or retire. Goddamn. At least he's gotten me 1 win with 22 Ks to the tune of a 5.32 ERA. (Side note: here's his wife's website. These hicks from Texas can't get enough money. She's even selling shit on it.)

Here's the point. Have you honestly sat down and thought about how much money he makes to do literally nothing. The original contract was for $28 million, prorated over the amount of time he spends on the roster. He wasn't added to the roster until June 1st, so lets say that he's gonna make $18.67 mil. this year (that's the last four months of the season, no postseason because there's no way in hell this year, bitches). That's $4.67 mil./month, $155.6k/day, $6,481/hour, $270/minute, and $4.50/second. I've seen the math where he makes so and so per pitch, whatever per start. That's not gonna do it for me. For me, this math works better. On the four days he's not pitching, he makes over $600,000.00. That's an insane number. Let's look at other things he might do. How much do you make to watch TV? Probably nothing. He made almost 13 grand to watch Passion of the Christ. Probably double that since he always has to watch it twice in a row at least. Since he's probably never in a rush, not like he has a job or anything, he makes 2 grand to take a shit. I make nothing to take a shit, although I should. He makes 50 bucks just to have a fleeting thought about how much he makes. His pay to ruin my fantasy team? Priceless.

In closing, here's a great short that I'm sure you've all seen by now from Funny or Die. Normally they would demand we take the video down, but since no one reads this site, I'm pretty sure we're safe.