Would it be fair to say this is a Fact?: The Internet is an Addiction, Kills

There are a handful of things that really irk me. Crunchy peanut butter, snakes on a plane, the war on drugs, girl scout cookies (the coconut ones, i'm not a coconut fan personally), people not acknowledging when you hold the door for them, sneezing, slow drivers that hold up traffic for miles, and automatic car washes (the ones where you put in some money and they make you do the work). That's the short list, trust me.






What I'm seriously disturbed by this time is the fact that some jackass in China was not only "addicted" to the internet, not only spent his New Years in front of his computer, but this spry 26 year old DIED while sitting at his console. I understand AoF is an entertaining site, but I didn't think it translated this well into mandarin. Helen Mirren must have captured his interest.

Seriously though, there's such thing as internet addiction. This is a serious problem. One excuse was offered...Xu Yan, a local teacher, said the "dull life" during the holiday prompted many people to turn to computer games for entertainment. Holy crap. Read a book, go for a walk, hell go to a strip club.

Tangent: Also, I'm getting a little tired of this addiction turned disease phenomenon. Alcohol used to be an addiction, now alcoholism is a disease. Is a heroin addict afflicted with a disease? Apparently obesity is a disease. Why don't we call it an addiction to all things delicious (or fried, greasy, etc). As a corollary, there's an addiction to being skinny, we call that an eating disorder, but bulemia and anorexia are diseases. Disorders, addictions, they make perfect classification sense. I can buy certain types of mental illness. Schizophrenia, sure. Parkinsons, absolutely. The Internet? Sure with sites like AoF it can be addicting, but to classify it as a disease F that.

Fact: Zombies are DANGEROUS

.......and they eat brains...
click for link


...update...

it appears that there are a different "breed" of zombie that may or may not be dangerous. They are called philosophical zombies. The cartoon below should clear up any confusion...



...mystery solved...

Zombies that don't eat brains? That's no zombie in my book.

Fact: Helen Mirren Legitimizes the Term GILF

Legitimate question: How many of you watching the Oscars saw Helen Mirren, looked around and wondered, perhaps out loud, 'holy shit she's got a fantastic rack!' Don't fucking lie. Maybe it was because I was watching the Oscars with four dudes (possibly some AoF associates) with a fire going while bagging candy for a charity event and needed to overcompensate, but I digress. Plus, I reevaluated my thoughts the next morning and came to the same conclusion: Helen Mirren is a bona fide GILF.

The term GILF is usually thrown around in drunken banter with offensive intentions; however I feel that Helen Mirren could help this term gloriously explode into legitimacy. Previously, only Sophia Loren could lay a claim to being a legitimate GILF, and while I'm not convinced she's totally lost it, she held it way into her late 60's. This step shouldn't be surprising given advances in the medic...err, plastic surgery field, it just happens to be that Helen Mirren is the catalyst for change. Indeed, I'd say she's far more Rosa Parks in the vein of trail-blazer than Jason Whitlock.

Seriously, if someone came up to you and said Helen Mirren wants to have you over to her place for a night of doors locked, no holds bar sex, wouldn't you fully think it over before saying . . . 'Fuck Ya!' (Sans creepy old guy who looks like the Hooters cook from Big Daddy of course. Quick note dude, next time buy the just for men with the little brush for beards, I'm pretty sure you can afford it). Now it comes out that she may have been going commando during the Oscar's . . . yeah, GILF, fully.

Would it be fair to say?: Movie Review: El Chupacabra

It's movie review time here around AoF. Every so often we will attempt to keep you, the general public, up to date on the Must See Movies of our generation. Today's entry: El Chupacabra.

First off, I could simply end this review with one name: Treach. That's right, Anthony "Treach" Criss headlines this star-studded cast. His performance leaves one thing most certainly clear: He's a multi-dimensioned showman of a level far above his mere "'Cuz I'm Naughty by Nature, Not 'Cuz I Hate 'Ya" days.

This movie sets out to answer the most salient questions of the day, namely that of the nature of the Chupacabra. El Chupacabra is of course the famed demonly creature that exists in Latin America and feasts upon the blood of livestock and leaves carcasses in its wake. It's name is a direct translation of "Goat Sucker", which sounds like quite an enviable profession.

The movie starts out in the most logical of fashions. There is a creature on the loose that is sucking neighborhood dogs dry. Logically, an animal control officer teams up with a scientist in order to figure out what the creature is before more dogs and other pets befall the same bloody fate.

Along the way, the duo encounter numerous pitfalls and snares, not the least of which is the diabolical Dr. Treach (I'm not going to bother to look up what the name of his character was, it was fucking Treach in a lab coat). The movie attempts to answer the universal question of true meaning that puzzle us all: Is El Chupacabra descended from aliens eons ago and is really the missing link that humanity descended from? I'm not kidding, by the way, in that this movie really throws that twist in there. They claim that the existence of El Chupacabra would shake the bedrock of civilization and would ruin all forms of religion because we're all apparently descended from this little furry creature that moves real fast and sucks blood that may or may not be from space.

I'm gonna give this movie two fingers up. One of those fingers is a thumb, because if nothing else, the horrible editing and poor acting definitely kept my attention because you never knew what pathetic piece of film-making might be next. The other finger is a middle finger, since there was not a single tit in this entire film. They had a half dozen huge buzonga-ed chicks in just about every scene. It looked like a low-grade porno in terms of acting and script and there was still no boobs? Deplorable. Worth watching though if you want to see one of the worst movies ever made.

Fact: NY Home to the...a Beaver

AoF would like to congratulate the Beaver for movin' on up! Once home to the beaver, the Bronx River now proudly boasts low income housing (riverside) for Beavers looking to move downstream. The new residents name is Jose (completely serious) and he has a clean background.
Jose

You won't find him listed in the sex offender registry, but I wouldn't recommend him as a babysitter. Currently living alone, Jose may have many nighttime visitors, but has yet to have a permanent roommate, something biologists are salivating in anticipation for. Keep in mind this is no indication that the river is clean or safe. Said U.S. Rep of the Bronx: I had always envisioned the river getting cleaner, “but I don’t know to what extent I imagined things living in it again.”

...it appears that this beaver either got lost, has the sweetest bachelor pad in NY, or the dirtiest...

Fact: Gary Sheffield is a Pussy

After an accomplished career which includes a Bondesque transformation from wiry shortstop to monster banging out 30 home runs a year, all while removing any doubt that he is bat-shit insane, Gary 'Sybil' Sheffield has decided to add another personality to his growing repertoire: whiny bitch.

"Joe [Torre] took the fire out of me . . . I am running out on the field with the extra players. Think of what was going through my head. It takes the fight out of you. I have been through a lot. To tell me that I had to run out with the extra players, that took it to another level. I wanted to make sure I didn't lash out and affect the team, but the way we played it looked like we were affected already."

That's right Gary, the Yankees put on a display of baseball futility akin to the 2003 Tigers because they were upset that you had to run out with the reserves. You could see it in Jeter's eyes, he just couldn't take any game seriously when the Iron-Sheff had been so egregiously slighted. Now I may be idealistic, but wouldn't you think . . . I dunno . . . playing for your entire season would be motivation enough? But let's cut Sheff some slack, he has, after-all, been through a lot. If he somehow bounces back after being forced to run on the field with reserves, I'd say he's on par with Lance Armstrong's recovery from cancer or Jim Abbott's ability to pitch with one hand.

While it is uncomfortable to defend any aspect of the joyless collection of baseball machines dressed in pinstripes, you have to wonder why Gary Sheffield can't let this go. It's like the ex-wife that goes off the deep end and beats a car with an umbrella when you won't see her. I'm betting that the endless debate about Sheff's playing time is tearing the Yankees apart from the inside and probably had something to do with the split of Jeter and A-Rod.

Would it be fair to say: Underwater Zombies

We here at AoF spend an inordinate amount of free time discussing the various aspects of Zombies. Topics have included the underwater viability of zombies, movement, development of brain function, whether scientific or supernatural explanations can sufficiently address all the varying portrayals of zombies. I'd say that George C. Romero has effectively confused the hell out of all of us.

I am no expert, but I believe that Zombies are subject to the same physical properties as a live person would be. Assuming no breathing, their bodies should fill with water, and likely sink. There's also the argument that fat floats. A corollary to a zombie would be a dead body, which I believe floats. There would then be a whole bunch of zombies floating, futily kicking their arms and legs in vain for eternity (or until they washed up on some beach). This begs the question, why would they go in the water in the first place? A zombies sole purpose is to eat human flesh and/or brains. There are neither flesh nor brains in the water. Land of the Dead fails to explain much of this underwater zombie phenomenon. I'm considering constructing a moat around my house.

...Thoughts?...

Fact: 70 Yr Old Chokes a Bitch

Would it be fair to say that no one on his Carnival cruise is going to mess with this old man?
An approximately 70 year old retired GI fended of potential attackers with his bare hands killing one and causing the other two to flee with pee streaming down their costa rican/bermuda shorts.


This isn't the guy, but this picture is hanging in my gym and I can't help but picture this guy using his kung-fu grip to snap the clavical of an unsuspecting 20 year old with a pocketknife. Oh and the local authorities are not pressing charges.


...Miller needs to get this guy for their Man Law commercials...


...I wonder if he had flashbacks...

According to AoF, Red and Green are the New Black and White.

This is required before every post. (the getups are optional)

...prepare to be awed...