Would it be fair to say?: Movie Review: El Chupacabra

It's movie review time here around AoF. Every so often we will attempt to keep you, the general public, up to date on the Must See Movies of our generation. Today's entry: El Chupacabra.

First off, I could simply end this review with one name: Treach. That's right, Anthony "Treach" Criss headlines this star-studded cast. His performance leaves one thing most certainly clear: He's a multi-dimensioned showman of a level far above his mere "'Cuz I'm Naughty by Nature, Not 'Cuz I Hate 'Ya" days.

This movie sets out to answer the most salient questions of the day, namely that of the nature of the Chupacabra. El Chupacabra is of course the famed demonly creature that exists in Latin America and feasts upon the blood of livestock and leaves carcasses in its wake. It's name is a direct translation of "Goat Sucker", which sounds like quite an enviable profession.

The movie starts out in the most logical of fashions. There is a creature on the loose that is sucking neighborhood dogs dry. Logically, an animal control officer teams up with a scientist in order to figure out what the creature is before more dogs and other pets befall the same bloody fate.

Along the way, the duo encounter numerous pitfalls and snares, not the least of which is the diabolical Dr. Treach (I'm not going to bother to look up what the name of his character was, it was fucking Treach in a lab coat). The movie attempts to answer the universal question of true meaning that puzzle us all: Is El Chupacabra descended from aliens eons ago and is really the missing link that humanity descended from? I'm not kidding, by the way, in that this movie really throws that twist in there. They claim that the existence of El Chupacabra would shake the bedrock of civilization and would ruin all forms of religion because we're all apparently descended from this little furry creature that moves real fast and sucks blood that may or may not be from space.

I'm gonna give this movie two fingers up. One of those fingers is a thumb, because if nothing else, the horrible editing and poor acting definitely kept my attention because you never knew what pathetic piece of film-making might be next. The other finger is a middle finger, since there was not a single tit in this entire film. They had a half dozen huge buzonga-ed chicks in just about every scene. It looked like a low-grade porno in terms of acting and script and there was still no boobs? Deplorable. Worth watching though if you want to see one of the worst movies ever made.