FACT: Movie Spoilers

Not too long ago (read: almost 3 months ago, damn I gotta post more often) I posted about some particularly ridiculous goings on in "24". I only mention this because, at the time, I was gonna make that entire post about spoiling the endings to things. Not surprisingly, I rambled on for a few paragraphs, got pretty lazy, and decided to call it a day. I figured I could always come back to that idea at some point. Well, that time is now. Buckle your seatbelts and brace yourselves, because you're about to find out the surprise endings to a few movies that you may or may not have seen.

In terms of how I assembled this list, I just went to IMDB and checked out what were the most popularly rated movies. It's a pretty random list and just goes to show that the Internet is populated 70% by fat nerds; 10% by pompous asses that access the Internet on their Macs, at Starbucks, which they drove to in their Priuses (Prii?), while wearing Crocs; and .00000001% AoF readers. The rest is made up of the Chinese. Man they're catching up to us fast if you believe the news. Without further ado:

1. The Godfather - They all say to themselves, "Man, my guidance counselor really was right, crime doesn't pay. I'm gonna go back to school, get my degree, and really turn my life around." Then they get houses in the suburbs, settle down into nice-easy lifestyles, raise their families, and kick back in front of the TV most nights. One Sunday, they're watching HBO, happen to see how the Sopranos ended, get pissed off like everyone else, and revert to their old ways. All because David Chase is an asshole. On a side note, the newscast on Monday seriously covered this, for an entire commercial to commercial segment. Charles Gibson, take heed, there's a reason no one's ever heard of you.

2.Shawshank Redemption - Andy DuFresne drops dead of hepatitis A. Seriously, he swam for a mile in shit. Were prisoners particularly up to date on their vaccinations back then?

3.The Lord of the Rings - Seriously, geeks? Best movie ever? This movie has got to top the list of "Most Often Beaten Off to While Simultaneously Watching Anime Porn on Another Screen".

4.Pulp Fiction - The briefcase in the end definitely has twenty double cheeseburgers in it. Marcellus Wallace scoffs at ten.

5.Casablanca - Bogart singlehandedly ends WWII. Also, definitely tells that chick not to get on the plane, mostly because this was 1942 and she had the kind of rack that money couldn't buy yet.

6.Schindler's List - Are we even allowed to joke about this movie? Definitely not in Germany. I'm also pretty sure the Germans were punishing the Jews for what happened in #10 on this list.

7.Star Wars - Nerds strike again. In the original ending, Luke lost his virginity to a gay sex robot. (can robots be gay? I got my fingers crossed.) I was gonna make up a clever porn title, but the nerds beat me to it. Here's a few nuggets: "Sith On My Face", "Hutt Sluts", and "Hands Solo". Man, after a tough day of World of Warcraft, nothing helps a geek unwind like some usenet star wars related message board posting.

8.Raiders of the Lost Ark - Fucking Nazi's faces melt off at the end. Not even gonna make this one up. It was that awesome. For what it's worth, sports announcer Gary Thorne definitely looks like the head Nazi.

9.The Usual Suspects - It was the butler. You know what, I'm not gonna come up with something better than that. Kevin Spacey plays a retard and turns out to be the bad guy. Why does everyone love this movie? It's like a shitty version of CLUE. Now that's cinema.

10.Passion of the Christ - Didn't get around to seeing it, actually. I figured, since I read the book, why bother?