The Blogger's Delight: A Montage

I remember a time when you could surf to your favorite webblog (AoF) and be greeted with fresh material to read and or wipe yourself with (if it was in newspaper form). Those days were few and flighting, but I here, now I assert as fact, that there will be new, informative, and possibly insightful material here on a more frequent basis.

Now for a little Blogger's Delight:

...this is just stupid...

A church in Chattanooga is giving away a house that it owns. I know, doesn't it just warm the cockles of your heart to hear a feel good story like this? You're probably thinking, "what's so special about this?" Aren't the clergy supposed to be doing things like this all the time? Saving souls and such, feeding the hungry, etc.? Well this particular church is more concerned with its visibilty from the road rather than sheltering the homeless. The house is free (and worth a whopping $30,000) but buyer beware, you buy it, you move it.

I probably would have gone with this method...

...This is just fucked up...

Catsicle anyone? Apparently some guy decided to collect dead cats, wrap them in towels, place a note detailing the conditions and locations of finding them, then freezing them in a cold storage unit. Look I know the lost pet rewards are an endless source of income, but I don't think the owners are going to pay for Fluffy's frozen carcass. Just a hunch. Apparently doing it "big" isn't the only thing going on in Texas.

...i bet he stole the truck full of XL's...

If someone offers you frilly women's lingerie on the street, call police. Thieves have stolen almost $35,000 worth of underwear, perfume and other merchandise from Victoria's Secret stores in the Raleigh area since March, police said.

The great Stanford panty raid of 1947.

Law enforcement officials have no suspects and said it's unlikely the thieves are stealing for personal use. Look large fellas, look large...

And finally...

...now THAT'S what I like to see...

Monkey's are savvy creatures. If properly trained they can help you. If not, they can throw poo. Sometimes, they can pick the lock of their pen, escape, and then elude the zoo staff and local police authorities. There's no conclusion to this awesome story from Tupelo, Miss. The monkey remains at large and disdainfully flings poo in your general direction.

Awesome.

FACT: Illiteracy Rears its Ugly Head

Hopefully this is the last apology to the baker's dozen or so of our readers, but, on behalf of the editors of AoF, we extend our sincerest regrets at being unable to offer you more material on the ever-growing internet with which to waste your time. Clearly, without our presence in the blogosphere being established on a daily basis, posting articles replete with assertions of fact, one's day of web surfing is clearly incomplete, dare I say it, bordering upon inadequacy. Also, if you have a problem with my run-sentences, I suggest you go visit the estimated 12 percent of the internet that is porn. Now that's what Al Gore invented the internet for, not infrequently updated blogs that add little to society other than providing a forum to discuss zombies or Mike Vick's legal problems/herpes.

As stated a few times in some of the posts from the past few months, we were studying/growing moustaches for the bar exam. Thankfully, that's now over, and the only thing currently occupying my thoughts is an attempt to refine that pesky no alcohol before noon rule into something more amenable to my schedule, maybe 9:30 or so. What I refuse to budge on, however, is the no smoking crack 30 minutes before going for a swim. Safety first.

Before I digress from my digressions, I do want to point out that the bar has officially shredded my brain into an unrecognizable mass not fit for society. Another few days of study and taking the test itself would have been impossible. Imagine how one would feel if, hypothetically, they decided that writing out a test by hand was simply just far too physically taxing, and they had to take the bar on the computer. I mean, who can't sympathize? Here you've been, your whole life, at least 25 years or so, actually physically handwriting all your answers. How loathesome. Well, guess what you 5,000 or so douchebags that wouldn't dare bring yourselves to be troubled with the low-tech machinations of pen to paper.........looks like the typewritten NY bar exams might be lost

Now, it doesn't matter so much that they may all end up being recovered. The point is that all of those smarmy bastards now have to sweat it out. The best part is that, if they're lost, tough shit, see you next February for the next test. That's just an insane possibility, I mean, my brain is swiss cheese. I'm practically functionally illiterate now after this ordeal. Although, to be fair, I'm not actually illiterate, as opposed to past American Idol winner Fantasia, which just goes to show that books will get you nowhere in life. Just drop out of school and hope they make a reality TV show for your skill irrelevant to functioning in today's market economy. I'm personally holding out hope for "Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07 Idol".

OK, time to take my leave. The laptop I'm typing on is burning my nuts. If handwritten blogging were possible I would.

Falcons Update

Apparently the Falcons are ready to usher in the Joey Harrington era.

Fact: This is the most attentioin the Falcons have received since being the sacrifical lambs for the Broncos in '98 and denying us a far more entertaining Vikings/Broncos matchup. But hey for those who are disappointed, Randy Moss will finally make his anticipated Super Bowl appearance this year.

DGD: The Pedro Gomez to Joey Harrington's Barry Bonds? Probably, but much less gay.

Fact: Joey Harrington Owes Us

Well it happened. Michael Vick was indicted for his puppy day care ring and it's a matter of how long it takes Roger Goodell to shake the image of endorsement money for the league burning in his head before Joey Harrington becomes the starter for your Atlanta Falcons. This post will be short, admittedly, but F U if you don't like it, with the amount of adderal and coffee in my system, I dare you to come within ten feet of me.




How sure are we that our boy Joey is #1 on the depth chart? As espn.com points out about Vick's ensuing battle:

If he has any doubts about the power and skill of the forces arrayed against
him, he can call Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Dick
Cheney, or he can call Lord Conrad Black, the disgraced media mogul facing time
in a federal penitentiary. If he still isn't convinced, he can call Jeff
Skilling, the zillionaire former Enron CEO who is residing in a federal
pen.

Wait, what about Ken Lay, where's he in all this? Oh, right, my bad. I want it to be known that we were perhaps the first well wishers to Joey during this tumultous time. Federal Investigators? Save your time and money, send the appreciative fruit basket right to AoF headquarters.

Moustaches From Around the World

Those of you who are regulars readers of AoF (both of you) have no doubt been up in arms over an omission of mine that is so glaring that it ought to be criminal. I am, of course, referring to a recap of Moustachio Bashio. Just in case you had fears that it had not taken place at all, let me allay your fears and reassure you, yes, moustaches from about the town, nay, the world, congregated in our backyard for one glorious day.

As means of explaining why I never posted the follow-up, I'm gonna let Vince Vaughn ("Swingers" Vince Vaughn, not "Old School" Vince Vaughn. It was kind of like new school Vince Vaughn) do the explaining for me: "Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep." Just replace pretending to study for the bar with any of those three and you have the reasons right there.

Without further ado, here's a little trip down Moustachio Drive:

This is all that we had pictures of. Turns out that you don't end up taking too many pictures when at least one of your hands tends to have a bottle of Bird 101 in it. I was thinking about making some sort of mix and match game, where you pick out which one of the group looks the most like a rapist, but after looking at this group it's just not possible. The answer would end up being A-F.

Only one is fake, all are horrible. None of us are cops, although it is telling that only two of us have jobs. Also, I'm pretty sure moustache number 5 belongs to a child molester.

Kim Clijsters Thinks We Care

WHO? Good question.

ESPN is reporting that Kim Clijsters got married in a secret ceremony to a U.S. basketball player, playing in the Belgian league. "Kim chose for the early hour because she wanted to conduct her nuptials with the American Brian Lynch within a small circle of people," the wedding comes just days after the former top-ranked player announced she was pregnant with her first child. "ace!!!"

Who the fuck cares. She doesn't play tennis anymore. She retired at 24. And I'm pretty sure if you don't watch tennis you wouldn't know her because her name isn't Anna or Maria. Sounds kind of like Columbus' fleet.

I think I'm just in a bad mood right now, but I don't know what I despise more. The fact that ESPN brought this to my attention, the thought that Kim Clijsters would have to go out of her way to avoid people under the supposition that people actually cared, or the fact that people might actually care.

This was just a good excuse to post pictures of Anna and Maria (one more for good measure)...now i just have to find the Pinta.

I wish people would stop harassing me as well. I guess that happens when you're so famous like me. That's why when I have to drop a deuce I wait until 6 AM, check all empty rooms, around all corners and under all toilet seats to make sure no one knows what I'm doing. I'd hate to end up on this site.

FACT: Rock, Paper, Scissors (or RPS) New Legitmate Sport

First it was darts, then dominos, then backgammon, then chess, then poker, then eating contests and now folks, it's Rock Paper Scissors. That's right, the USARPS League combines big prizes, beer, women (former PMOY NSFW) spokeswoman, and now National Television coverage on ESPN to bring you the finest in 1 on 1 strategy. Ridiculous you say? I think not. I've been asserting as fact for almost a decade now that RPS is the ultimate and most basic combination of strategy, wit, guile, nerve and marbles and is the only real way disputes can be fairly settled.

Not only must you know yourself, and know enough to stay within yourself and not overthink your moves, but you must know your opponent what they have a propensity to throw, if they like to lead with say, paper, or if they're as surprised as anyone as to the shape their hand takes as "shoot" is called. (I could never understand those people who threw on "three" or "scissors" during the cadence, it just feels wrong). For those of you who are not familiar with the RPS hierarchy (more like a cycle), here it is.

Looking at the games history, co-commissoner Matt Leshem stated in a recent interview, "this is a game played since the beginning of recorded history. Back to the caveman days, it was known as rock rock rock. The discovery of new materials led to a change in the approach. "For a time, it was known as rock papyrus spear, which you may have heard of before." How true.

Rock, Paper, Scissors too bland for you? Fellow AoF editor T.D. Xerxes recommends you try a variation of the game "CFNB" or "Cockroach, Foot, Nuclear Bomb" (upon further research I have found allegations that this game originated on "That 70's Show". Seeing as how I never watch it nor seen TDX watching it I feel obligated to apply the independant source doctrine in this matter.) Regardless of the spin you put on it, you've gotta believe that it'll make for some of the finest minute thirty, possibly two minutes of television entertainment.

Lastly, I think it was about time that ESPN embraced the sideways suggestion in the movie "Dodgeball" in which the tournament in said movie was aired on the ficticious ESPN channel "ESPN 8" aka "The Ocho". Brilliant. Now I'm not saying that ESPN needs to go ahead and create 4 more channels just to get there, but how about we call it ESPN Gaming, or ESPN programming for people who hate the Big 4 Sports (Baseball, Basketball, Football, Hockey or NASCAR (sort of) (if you really believe ESPN a la covering Barry Bonds as if there was never a cloud of suspicious surrounding his use of performance enhancing drugs) ). Seriously, there are times when ESPN and ESPN 2 look like to sports what MTV now is to music videos. I suppose this is inevitable when your programming consists of 3 or 4 decent shows and 1 Sports news show repeated about 30 times a day. You're going to have to have something to fill in for the times when all that's in season is Arena football and the WNBA (which do we care about less - check the sidbar poll). Anyway, back to RPS on ESPN. Think about it. You could have Harold Reynolds calling the matches, Kenny Mayne, throw a little Johnny Mac in there for good measure and BAM, you've got a formidable Monday Night RPS broadcasting team.

Come to think of it, does anyone else think that we've been seeing a lot of Stephen A. Smith since the departure of Harold Reynolds? Maybe its just me, but SAS is a bit over the top. Besides, Reynolds got a raw deal, the least you could do is give him The Ocho. I was perfectly cool with him when I ran into him at a California Pizza Kitchen near Bristol. I just hope that the Stephen A. experiment gets curtailed a bit.

But for now, Rock, Paper, Scissors...Shoot! (sweet online game)

I'm going to have to credit With Leather for bringing this to my attention. (if you do not already know of With Leather, and AoF is not fulfulling your internet procrastinating needs, I highly recommend the site. They do excellent work over there full time.)