City in Review: Philadelphia

If you recall, I used to do a little running segment called _____ in Review. Running might not be the word since I only did a few of them and they were pretty spread out. Regardless, I haven't done one in a while, and, since I can't think of much else to post about, let's get started.

Fuck Philadelphia. This is going to be a wholly biased and uninformed review of the City of Brotherly Love. While I am going to attempt to keep this post somewhat out of the sports arena, however, in the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that most of my loathing towards Philly is rooted in sports. Actually, about 95%. I despise Philly sports. But, if you think about it, the reasoning behind that is because their fanbases are comprised of mongoloid mouthbreathers that drink their own urine. Back in the days before heavy urbanization, around the Revolutionary War, they were a proud group that only took breaks from tickling each others' asses to rape goats. Now that there is a heavily diminished inner-city goat population, they are forced to tickle each others' asses full-time.

Listen, I'm sure there are nice parts of Philadelphia, maybe. UPenn's Ivy League, that's a big deal, probably nice. Bear in mind, however, that Yale is in New Haven (the only thing holding that hole together) and Columbia's in Harlem (kind of). Higher education can exist amongst the greater unwashed masses. I can't speak from any true personal experience as to whether there is anything nice to the city. I went once when I was in seventh grade. While waiting for a street vendor to make my cheesesteak a horse took a huge shit right next to me and it splashed up on me a little bit. That's kind of a turnoff towards a city. No one wants a horse to poop on them, unless you're from Philly, then you lick that shit up. (Link NSFW, possibly NSFAnywhere). Everything else I've heard colloquially isn't much better. Although, I hear it's a great place to score some black tar smack. You know, whatever it takes to chase the dragon away.

I can't really avoid Philadelphia sports for that long. I've had Flyers fans curse at me on the streets (of NY). Eagles fans and the shit they did when T.O. came back to town was weak (effigy of jerseys, mock burials, etc.). The Phillies, well, it takes a real dedication to sucking to reach the 10,000 loss plateau. The audacity of this fanbase and team to think they deserve anything makes me sick. Good for you Phillies. You "won" the NL East this past season. Congratulations on getting swept out of the playoffs immediately. Way to make us all proud of you. Especially after this shit the Phanatic pulled on Conan.

Oh yeah, lest I forget: Philadelphia was recently awarded numerous prestigious superlatives by CNN. Least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly. 60,000 people took place in the survey. Is anyone surprised? Take a good look at Eagles' coach Andy Reid and tell me he doesn't look like he embodies all of that. On top of everything, the country officially recognizes that Philadelphia is full of the ugliest, fattest, meanest, stupidest piles of rat feces in the Union. Seriously, if it wasn't for "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", I would just pray for the entire town to fall into the river.

Final Verdict: One Thumb Up......A Goat's Ass