Sandwich 'Gate Crumbles Open in NY

In a shocking twist of events, Stephon Marbury has broken his silence about his sudden departure from the New York Knicks. The reason: his post-game PB&J was cut horizontally not diagonally at coach Isaiah Thomas' behest. This news comes despite reports that Marbury left the team when Thomas allegedly cut back Marbury's playing time because of his piss-poor defensive efforts. The truth was discovered after Marbury "allegedly" had the following conversation overheard by an AoF confidant assigned to monitor his phone calls.

"Shit man, you dunno the half of it, this ain't about no playing time. Stephon Starbury ain't gonna be disrespected like that. Every day I come up in here and work my ass off and all I ask is that I have a diagonally cut PB&J after practice and after every game. Isaiah done knew that and he went behind Starbury's back and told that white bitch to cut my shit horizontally. Momma didn't raise no fool, any sucka on the street knows that shit taste better diagonal."

He went on for a few moments about the tough life of an NBA player and how he has earned his right to have his sandwich cut in whatever way he chooses. When asked if the reason his time was cut back was his defensive short comings and lack of leadership, Marbury laughed and dismissed the question. He was then asked about the following photo and laughed again:

"Come on now, that don't prove nothin."

It was then pointed out that this was taken in the middle of a play versus the Spurs last year.

"Damn son, what's with all the questions, Me and Stevie was tired and they didn't warm the towels on the bench. Why don't you go out and guard Frenchie or that Spanish dude and then come back to a cold hard towel on the bench and see if you feel like playing D every time, shit ain't therapeutic . . . ( "Don't you mean Manu Ginobili? He's from Argentina.") . . . Yeah whatever, he ain't from Starburytina that's for damn sure, I'll bet Popovich don't have his shit cut horizontally."

"Shit, I've been here for 3 years and it's always been about me and my numbers. You ain't gettin endorsements for Defensive player of the year. I don't see Bruce Bowen sellin' no $12 shoes - available now at your local shoe retailer - and besides, you think they'd learn by now. I ran Larry Brown up outta here and he's a hall of famer, you don't think I can run this chump outta here? Horizontal cutting mothafucker. What are they gonna do, trade my contract for an entire team? No sir, this is Starbury's ship and we're sailin all over this league. My next move will be to get my cuz 'Bassy up in here for $11 mil a year and shit, this town ain't never gonna be the same, no back seat will be safe."

It's safe to say these are low times for the orange and blue. Isaiah Thomas denied these allegations in a follow up non-existent phone call. An unidentified source reported that Marbury caught the next flight back to his childhood home where he shed tears of joy as his mother prepared him a diagonally cut PB&J.