So here I am, sitting on my couch, watching the eighth wonder of the world known as HDTV. I'm enjoying one of the most wonderful things in life, Baseball Tonight. Baseball Tonight is one of the great bonuses of spring in that not only is baseball back, but there's another half hour plus of TV programming on that I can use as an excuse to not do work. Especially during finals when I curse myself for being the piece of shit that I am and taking advantage to the fullest of non-attendance taking classes.
Before I delve into what prompted me into this post, I just want to adapt a fitting quote th
at the great David Hirshey worked into his most recent Premership post on Deadspin. From the well-adapted fine social contributor Pete Doherty: "Your loyalty to a team can never die. Ties are stronger than they could be with a woman. If she goes and sleeps with your best mate, it's over. If the Rangers manager slept with my best mate, QPR would still be my team." Hirshey goes on to wish the manager of Arsenal would sleep with a buddy of his. I agree whole-heartedly. If Willie Randolph were to sleep with any of my friends, we'd still be cool. Things would forever be a little off, given the man-love, presumedly consensual. They could, however, just pretend it was Willie's daughter that they were with (soon to be Fordham graduate, mind you, and Willie's giving the commencement speech this year), especially since a foolish friend of mine who is soon to be getting married thinks she probably has a fine moustache also. (In looking for a picture of her, I found her MySpace page. The internet is something.)
at the great David Hirshey worked into his most recent Premership post on Deadspin. From the well-adapted fine social contributor Pete Doherty: "Your loyalty to a team can never die. Ties are stronger than they could be with a woman. If she goes and sleeps with your best mate, it's over. If the Rangers manager slept with my best mate, QPR would still be my team." Hirshey goes on to wish the manager of Arsenal would sleep with a buddy of his. I agree whole-heartedly. If Willie Randolph were to sleep with any of my friends, we'd still be cool. Things would forever be a little off, given the man-love, presumedly consensual. They could, however, just pretend it was Willie's daughter that they were with (soon to be Fordham graduate, mind you, and Willie's giving the commencement speech this year), especially since a foolish friend of mine who is soon to be getting married thinks she probably has a fine moustache also. (In looking for a picture of her, I found her MySpace page. The internet is something.)Wow I'm getting sidetracked. The whole point was to do the 
unnecessary and call out Steve Phillips for being a fool. He claimed that Barry Bonds should sit on a road trip if he's about to break the record so that he could do it at home and not embarrass MLB. John Kruk seemed genuinely incensed by this very possibility. I couldn't pick a side because Krukkie's fantastic jheri curl distracted me ("Just let your sooooooooul glow"). This did get me thinking however. With all the hullabaloo over Bonds' inevitable destruction of the most sacred record in all of sports, what other records could there be about to be broken that simply don't get enough publicity.
unnecessary and call out Steve Phillips for being a fool. He claimed that Barry Bonds should sit on a road trip if he's about to break the record so that he could do it at home and not embarrass MLB. John Kruk seemed genuinely incensed by this very possibility. I couldn't pick a side because Krukkie's fantastic jheri curl distracted me ("Just let your sooooooooul glow"). This did get me thinking however. With all the hullabaloo over Bonds' inevitable destruction of the most sacred record in all of sports, what other records could there be about to be broken that simply don't get enough publicity.Here's a short and thoroughly uncomprehensive list:
3. Bear Grylls eating disgusting things. Experts estimate that he will soon suck all the liquid from fresh elephant dung on the African continent sometime in the year 2012, spiraling the dark continent into an even darker future full of dry dung that no one would dare squeeze into their mouth as if it was the most fucking delicious and refreshing fruit ever. God damn.
2. Second man to hit the moon with a home run. We all know that Vladimir Guerrero destroyed the moon almost two years ago in a competition with Alex Rodriguez over a can of Pepsi. FACT. Nowadays its looking as if that didn't happen and that ARod is projected to hit the moon sometime in the last week of April. I would predict it sometime later in the season, but they don't call him Mr. April for nothing.
1. Biggest Trouble in Littlest China. Sure, you may remember there being some pretty big trouble in little China back in the eighties. Jack Burton's epic battles against Mr. David Lo Pan in San Francisco's Chinatown is gonna look like a butterfly flapping its wings in mainland China compared to what my magic eight ball predicts. Boxer Day, 2009: Hillary decides to replace the White House restroom lighting with Chinese lanterns. White House staffers then discovery Hillary's darkest secret.
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