Fact: Shaq Threw the Playoffs to Begin Production on Movie Sequel

Tuesday May 01, 2007: AoF Press
Miami, FL

Two days after their April 29th loss to the Chicago Bulls to complete the first round sweep in the NBA finals, Miami Heat star center Shaquille O'Neal playfully quipped, "at least now I can get started on production of Kazaam 2."

The original was met with horrid reviews. Mick LaSalle of the San Francisco Chronicle reviewed the movie back in 1996, noting; "Kazaam doesn't have a story; it has a concept. The concept is NBA star Shaquille O'Neal in baggy, gold-trimmed trousers and shoes that curl up in front. The concept is O'Neal as a genie to a small, nasty kid. Once you have that, you have Kazaam, and all its elements." He was never heard from again.

The sequal, beginning filming over a decade since the original disappointing box office run in 1996, will feature Shaq reprising his role as Kazaam, the rapping genie. Unfortunately, Francis Capra, who played Max Connor in the original, was not chosen by the The (Shaq) Diesel to play the young boy who accidentally releases Kazaam from his boombox.

Former teammate and sworn enemy Kobe Bryant had only one thing to say when asked to comment on Wilt Chamberneezy's plans for a return to Hollywood. "Kobe better not see The Big Punk Bitch in his town. There's no Shaq in team, only Kobe." He then turned raped a white woman and pranced away singing the chorus to "This is why I'm hot".

Extending the olive branch, Shaq offered Kobe the co-starring role in Kazaam 2. Witnesses report that Shaq closed the deal by saying "with the Black Mamba and The Big Baryshnikov side by side, this movie is destined for straight to DVD gold." With a tear in his eye, Mamba accepted. The two then exchanged shirtless hugs.

Said The Big Aristotle, "it was as clear to me back then as it is now, that society was not prepared to see Doctor Shaq in a comedic role. The public expected a dreamy genie in a beenie, but the movie made The Big Daddy come off looking like The Big Weenie." The word on the street is that the second installment of Kazaam will follow the first, much like Skulls 2 and Skulls 3 or Cruel Intentions 2 and 3 were EXACTLY the same plot line as the original, with worse actors and dialogue. Generally those sequels followed with more nudity, and one can only hope that Kazaam 2 will not disappoint.