Statistics That Need to be Kept

I submit that there is a problem far bigger than global warming threatening our environment. However, unlike the number of people killed each year by Mexicans shooting guns in the air (something Mexicans do when they aren't sunbathing or slinging themselves across our borders), these important statistics aren't kept. The specific problem? The number of monkey deaths related to falling out of trees each year. Imagine Admiral Giggles leading a brigade of monkeys to monkey war when all of a sudden, BAM, the third infantry hits a weak branch and that's that.

I realized this societal omission while watching the epic series "Planet Earth" a few weeks ago. It just so happens that the Whip received a new 42" LCD TV at the same time this series began. After countless hours sunk into the couch with certain glassware in tow I am also convinced that this series was co-funded by the Marijuana Growers Association of America.


While watching the episode "Jungles" I watched in amazement as these freaking monkeys flung themselves through the branches of the rain forest with little to no effort. After a good five minutes of flying monkeys in my face, my bullshit detector started to sound. It seems the liberal media is trying to cover up the fact that monkeys are in fact fallible. Dirty monkeys. Anyway, I initially felt bad for the monkey that might potentially fall but then realized that monkeys are bigger assholes than I initially thought. They also eat each other. Weird.

Granted, the monkeys in the wild probably don't have trampolines to land on, which makes it all the more dangerous. If we can have cameras that follow ants and shit around, we should definitely be able to launch an investigation into this issue. It's not that I'm hating on monkeys, its just that I don't believe they spend their entire lives jumping around hundreds of feet above the ground without a bunch falling down. Let's do some simple math, hundreds of thousands of monkeys in the world, by contrast there are about 63 skydiving related deaths per year, which is the equivalent of people being assholes imitating monkeys, but monkeys don't have parachutes, so inflate that number a bit and you're looking at 1,000 falling related monkey deaths per year. Fact.