Federal Dogs: Man's Best Friend

Wow, so here it is, an entire week that I took off from my neckbreaking pace of roughly two posts a week. I kind of am struck with an extreme case of writer's block (see that, I just elevated myself to the level of writer, as if the use of words is the equivalent of writing). Maybe it's the start of what definitely looks to be a piece of shit MNF that's causing my mind to go blank. Maybe it's that Walt "Clyde" Frazier just gave a mind numbing explanation as to why he came to be called "Clyde" during halftime, replete with third-person references to "Clyde" as if it was an alter ego. In case you're curious, "Clyde" is from midnight to four and dressed like he ought to be paired with Bonnie.

I'm basically just left with coming up with an article patched together from whatever tabs I have open in my browser. One of them is my miserable fantasy football team. I'm not gonna be that douche and actually complain that Tom "How Dare you Think Matt Leinart is More Handsome than Me" Brady dared to give me less than 50 points this week. Another of the tabs is This Day in History in Wikipedia. I was giving Uncle Ralph (roommate) a hand with his job coming up with songs for every day next month that radio stations could use. Here's a few good ones for Dec. 1: Jared Fogle, TW's coworker was born in 1977, Johannes Brahms presents his Ein deutsches Requiem in 1867, and Matthew Shephard of dragged by a truck in Texas fame was born in 1976.

I'm left with a random article from the Montgomery Advertiser (wow, sweet name Alabama paper) about Auburn DB Jerraud Powers getting bit by a dog...during Saturday's Iron Bowl. The south is amazing sometimes. There's probably not a worse place to have a bunch of dogs. A ridiculously loud crowd, people running all over the place, a ball being thrown around....and the State Troopers still think it's a good idea to keep German Shepherds in the end zone during an Alabama/Auburn game. Wait, here's the quote from Powers, it's fantastic: “I saw blood coming out of my glove. I started panicking,” Powers said. ” I was looking toward the sidelines and I was screaming, ‘The dog bit me,’ the next three plays. When I went into the training room I was like: Do I need a rabies shot? Then I thought about it and it is a federal dog. I’m sure he’s the cleanest dog in America. I’ll be sure to wash it out real good.”

I don't know why I even tried to fight basing this post about anything other than Auburn. Tommy Tuberville punched Nick Saban square in the asshole as his introduction to the rivalry. Ever the classy guy, he made sure to hold up six fingers to the crowd to remind everyone that yes, that is six in a row over Alabama (Couldn't find a picture of him doing it, but the similarities are startling). OK, I'm done talking about Auburn. Any more and I'm gonna sound like DGD and the Pats, who almost lost to the vile piece of shit Eagles yesterday (of beautiful I'd-rather-lick-Patrick-Ewing's-Sweaty-Armpits-than-visit-Philadelphia fame). The video of Powers getting bit by the dog is below.

Fact: Somewhere Between Ass-Kickings and Going Bankrupt: Mike Tyson Reads

That's right folks. While serving his 24 hours in jail, "Iron" Mike Tyson ate sloppy joes and read American Gangster. If not for the whole criminal thing, a day in jail sounds like one relaxing vacation. At least this special celebrity jail that Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and now Mike Tyson get to go to. It must be affiliated with the celebrity court that OJ and Kobe went to.

In my opinion, celebrities SHOULD get special treatment. I mean why not? Us mere mortals get to go to mere mortal court and jail, celebrities should have to be tried in front of Judge Judy, (or Mills Lane/Joe Brown/etc.) or be represented by Lawyer Malloy before Judge Reinhold, and have their fate be decided by a (William) Hung jury. (shout out to Arrested Development).

They should have to go to celebrity jail. OZ. That's right, Oz. And not the Oz with the witches and talking tin can. Ass rape in the middle of the night OZ.

That aside, let's get back to Mike. Evidently he can read. I guess that's not all too shocking, I just assumed that he'd lost the little brain function he had remaining picking "comeback" fights to make a few bucks and avoid losing his pet tigers. This is really good news for my "Mike Tyson Beats you How to Read" campaign, where Mike reads to children. I'd try and type what it sounds like but I can't find a font that's high pitched and lispy enough. We could invite the other infamous Michael and make it an interactive learning experience. (don't mind Clint...)

Fact: Neil Diamond is a Pedophile

Not that it's really shocking but the artist that performs the (newest &) greatest between inning traditional song is also likely to show up on the next episode of "To Catch a Predator." Neil Diamond revealed today that he wrote the song "Sweet Caroline" about Caroline Kennedy after seeing her "dressed to the nines in her riding gear." He threw in some bullshit about innocence and some other nonsense but it's crystal clear that the french maid and sexy nurse had grown tiresome for old Neil. One look at the cover above explains a lot about what Neil is thinking when he performs.

Do the math, Kennedy is 50 now, the song was released in 1969 so subtract one year and BAM: he wrote a song about an 11-12 year old. Diamond said "I've never discussed it with anybody before -- intentionally." He cited that she may be embarassed but AoF thinks it has more to do with not wanting to end up on the FBI watch list. Now, Sweet Caroline seems innocent enough, but what good times that never felt so good could he be referring to? I'd say he's probably buying a saddle and hoping that he's the next pony in her stable. Let's break down some of the lyrics:

"Where it began, I can't begin to know when. But then I know it's growing strong."
- The logical explanation is his feelings for 12 year olds, but then again maybe I'm thinking outside the box when he's actually talking about his dick in the box. Perhaps this is why the Kennedy's stopped accepting unmarked Christmas packages (OHHHHHH sweet double entendre smacked down on your asses!) Sorry about the outburst, totally out of line. Anyway. . .

"Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you."
-Kinda self explanatory don't you think?

"We fill it up with only two."
-I think I'll leave this alone so as to avoid visits from "To Catch a Predator" myself.

According to the article he was "holed up in a hotel in Memphis" writing the song as a young broke songwriter (read: he was masturbating furiously while feeding quarters to the vibtrating bed trying not to spill his liter of Wild Turkey). A hot august night indeed. I ask you this America, shouldn't we demand answers from the love child of Joe Lieberman and Bill Belichick? Perhaps: 'In this picture, are you grasping for a high note, or the imaginary image of 12 year old ass?'

Fact: Phil Jackson Apologizes - the Blog-o-sphere Chimes In

Two posts in one day. Well this is my lazy (some would call lay-up) post. Anyone who watches Sports Center was probably cracking up at Phil Jackson's press conference following a game against the Spurs. In case you missed it, Phil's exact words were: "We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game because there's so much penetration and kickouts."

Gold. Comic Genius. Someone get him to cross the picket line, the writers guild is going back to work. If we made any money, he'd demand 2.5% of the intenet royalties.

Of course some people didn't find it funny, and to them, Jackson apologized.
"I want to thank all the journalists and TV people who thought it was humorous in the moment last night for their support in laughing, but in retrospect it wasn't funny," Jackson said before the Lakers faced the Houston Rockets.
"When you take it out of context, it wasn't funny," Jackson continued. "It was a poor attempt at humor and I deserved to be reprimanded by the NBA. If I offended any horses, Texans, cowboys or gays, I apologize."
Asked if he had left anyone out in his mea culpa, Jackson said, "Well, children."

Will it ever stop? Nope. Deadspin, an AoF favorite, posted this article, and followed it up with apologies from other sports figures. Then the readership took the torch and hilarity ensued. Here's a snippet.

Sorry for that stripper thing and that my wife is now making me stay with the Yankees. --Rod

Sorry I made you look like even more of a tool, A-Rod. --Scott Boras

Sorry I took career advice from Stephon Marbury. --ARod

I ain't sorry for shit, bitch. -- Isaiah

Sorry. I totally bogarted that. - Chris Henry

Sorry i ate all of my good recruits. - Charlie Weis

Ruvell -- Sorry I grabbed your stuff. -- Packer Fan

Sorry that I only spin on the one axis. --Randi

Sorry for missing one goddamn kick in my life.-Adam Vinatieri

Sorry about Boston, guys. But a deal's a deal. - The Devil

City in Review: Philadelphia

If you recall, I used to do a little running segment called _____ in Review. Running might not be the word since I only did a few of them and they were pretty spread out. Regardless, I haven't done one in a while, and, since I can't think of much else to post about, let's get started.

Fuck Philadelphia. This is going to be a wholly biased and uninformed review of the City of Brotherly Love. While I am going to attempt to keep this post somewhat out of the sports arena, however, in the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that most of my loathing towards Philly is rooted in sports. Actually, about 95%. I despise Philly sports. But, if you think about it, the reasoning behind that is because their fanbases are comprised of mongoloid mouthbreathers that drink their own urine. Back in the days before heavy urbanization, around the Revolutionary War, they were a proud group that only took breaks from tickling each others' asses to rape goats. Now that there is a heavily diminished inner-city goat population, they are forced to tickle each others' asses full-time.

Listen, I'm sure there are nice parts of Philadelphia, maybe. UPenn's Ivy League, that's a big deal, probably nice. Bear in mind, however, that Yale is in New Haven (the only thing holding that hole together) and Columbia's in Harlem (kind of). Higher education can exist amongst the greater unwashed masses. I can't speak from any true personal experience as to whether there is anything nice to the city. I went once when I was in seventh grade. While waiting for a street vendor to make my cheesesteak a horse took a huge shit right next to me and it splashed up on me a little bit. That's kind of a turnoff towards a city. No one wants a horse to poop on them, unless you're from Philly, then you lick that shit up. (Link NSFW, possibly NSFAnywhere). Everything else I've heard colloquially isn't much better. Although, I hear it's a great place to score some black tar smack. You know, whatever it takes to chase the dragon away.

I can't really avoid Philadelphia sports for that long. I've had Flyers fans curse at me on the streets (of NY). Eagles fans and the shit they did when T.O. came back to town was weak (effigy of jerseys, mock burials, etc.). The Phillies, well, it takes a real dedication to sucking to reach the 10,000 loss plateau. The audacity of this fanbase and team to think they deserve anything makes me sick. Good for you Phillies. You "won" the NL East this past season. Congratulations on getting swept out of the playoffs immediately. Way to make us all proud of you. Especially after this shit the Phanatic pulled on Conan.

Oh yeah, lest I forget: Philadelphia was recently awarded numerous prestigious superlatives by CNN. Least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly. 60,000 people took place in the survey. Is anyone surprised? Take a good look at Eagles' coach Andy Reid and tell me he doesn't look like he embodies all of that. On top of everything, the country officially recognizes that Philadelphia is full of the ugliest, fattest, meanest, stupidest piles of rat feces in the Union. Seriously, if it wasn't for "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", I would just pray for the entire town to fall into the river.

Final Verdict: One Thumb Up......A Goat's Ass

Fact: A-Rod Showers with Little Boys.

Today is free turkey day at my office. Free turkey day you say? Yes. Free Turkey Day. It's also the health fair. Cholesterol testing, blood pressure testing, etc. I have no interest in any of this. I know my cholesterol was through the roof last October and given my diet the past month there isn't a rabbit's chance in an episode of Man vs. Wild that it's gotten any better.

I'm actually here to kill time. For one reason or another I just can't manage to get anything done. All in all I'm actually amazed that I get away with doing so little. I guess it makes me feel better when I know the guy sitting next to me is doing even less. All that aside, let's dive into it. A-Rod is most likely going to be a Yankee (again). I really wish I'd posted my thoughts on this situation when he first opted out of his contract and the Yankees vowed not to deal with him ever again.

If I had posted my prediction on how this would have played out it would have read something along the lines of; Hank and Hal Steinbrenner are full of crap, once Lowell resigns with the BoSox they're going to pony up and pay A-Rod's asking price. Then a few things changed. First Miguel Cabrera came available, nice move Marlins, too bad your 5 year plan isn't panning out. (The Marlins have pretty much become an advance AAA prospect development team, where rather than developing in the minors, these players get to do it on the big stage. It's not a bad gig, look at Josh Beckett.)

Presumably, Cabrera's availability took a lot of A-Rod suitors out of the running. Then the GM meetings came along and what happened? A lot of speculation at who would be the first to enter the A-Rod sweepstakes, but no one actually buying a ticket. If it is possible there was ANTI-hype surrounding A-Rod, with most GM's stating reasons why they would not pursue him. This became a crazed situation where one can assume that Boras (or the media) took any GM's SILENCE on the A-Rod issue as an implicit admission that they were interested (when in fact they had both an All-Star shortstop and an All-Star, Gold Glove, Silver Slugger third baseman (who's boyish good looks, charm and charity were worth more than any topless central park sunbathing photoshoot.).)

I've never seen A-Rod show solidarity with cancer patients, while the media berates him for what they assume is a poor fashion choice...

Anyway, what transpired next, (yesterday) surprised me the most. More than the Yankees negotiating with A-Rod. It would seem that A-Rod did not have the intestinal fortitude to make good on his decision to opt out for more money. Apparently he was the one who did not have the patience to wait for the market to play itself out, contacted the Yankees and started working on a new deal. It must have been brought on by the $15/hr contract I mailed him (acceptance is good upon mailing, A-Rod) to mow pretty shapes into my front lawn. (it really is quite picturesque in an abstract art sort of way - think...starry night, but with a thin veil of clouds).

Many "professional" sports writers are saying that Boras overplayed his hand. Maybe he did maybe he didn't. To me, it looks like Boras lost control of his client. Ari Gold always says "manage your client's expectations." Boras broke this cardinal rule. Perhaps the sports reporting news got to A-Rod and he got nervous that he wouldn't be making 80 mil. I do know that the Texas Rangers couldn't be happier and the Steinbrenner's look like shrewd businessmen. Anything could happen from this point on. Until ink is put to paper, no deal is done. The Marlins could come sweeping in with an offer that blows our minds. But until then, ARod, my offer is still on the table.

I just realized that I made a semi-serious argument on Assertions of Fact. Not cool. Oh yeah. A-Rod showers with little boys.

Sandwich 'Gate Crumbles Open in NY

In a shocking twist of events, Stephon Marbury has broken his silence about his sudden departure from the New York Knicks. The reason: his post-game PB&J was cut horizontally not diagonally at coach Isaiah Thomas' behest. This news comes despite reports that Marbury left the team when Thomas allegedly cut back Marbury's playing time because of his piss-poor defensive efforts. The truth was discovered after Marbury "allegedly" had the following conversation overheard by an AoF confidant assigned to monitor his phone calls.

"Shit man, you dunno the half of it, this ain't about no playing time. Stephon Starbury ain't gonna be disrespected like that. Every day I come up in here and work my ass off and all I ask is that I have a diagonally cut PB&J after practice and after every game. Isaiah done knew that and he went behind Starbury's back and told that white bitch to cut my shit horizontally. Momma didn't raise no fool, any sucka on the street knows that shit taste better diagonal."

He went on for a few moments about the tough life of an NBA player and how he has earned his right to have his sandwich cut in whatever way he chooses. When asked if the reason his time was cut back was his defensive short comings and lack of leadership, Marbury laughed and dismissed the question. He was then asked about the following photo and laughed again:

"Come on now, that don't prove nothin."

It was then pointed out that this was taken in the middle of a play versus the Spurs last year.

"Damn son, what's with all the questions, Me and Stevie was tired and they didn't warm the towels on the bench. Why don't you go out and guard Frenchie or that Spanish dude and then come back to a cold hard towel on the bench and see if you feel like playing D every time, shit ain't therapeutic . . . ( "Don't you mean Manu Ginobili? He's from Argentina.") . . . Yeah whatever, he ain't from Starburytina that's for damn sure, I'll bet Popovich don't have his shit cut horizontally."

"Shit, I've been here for 3 years and it's always been about me and my numbers. You ain't gettin endorsements for Defensive player of the year. I don't see Bruce Bowen sellin' no $12 shoes - available now at your local shoe retailer - and besides, you think they'd learn by now. I ran Larry Brown up outta here and he's a hall of famer, you don't think I can run this chump outta here? Horizontal cutting mothafucker. What are they gonna do, trade my contract for an entire team? No sir, this is Starbury's ship and we're sailin all over this league. My next move will be to get my cuz 'Bassy up in here for $11 mil a year and shit, this town ain't never gonna be the same, no back seat will be safe."

It's safe to say these are low times for the orange and blue. Isaiah Thomas denied these allegations in a follow up non-existent phone call. An unidentified source reported that Marbury caught the next flight back to his childhood home where he shed tears of joy as his mother prepared him a diagonally cut PB&J.

Belichick Cuts Lynch's Ligament in Anticipation of Week 11 Matchup

Spygate aside, Bill Belichick is a good football coach. One of the best some may argue. His keen sense of style (cutoff hooded sweatshirts - the next big fashion craze coming from Milan) and his "do anything to win" attitude are unparalleled in the NFL, if not all of sports. Maybe Marion Jones or Jose Canseco are close seconds.
Last week, while sunning himself on Miami's finest beaches and sampling the local fare, Belichick found time to make it to Dolphins Stadium to scout the Buffalo Bills for the upcoming Patriot's matchup following the bye week. No one was aware that Belichick was even present at the game, and after spending the first half and much of the third quarter videotaping the Bills defensive signals from his super spy video camera, Belichick, realizing that rookie sensation Marshawn Lynch was the only offensive weapon that the Bills possessed, decided to take matters into his own hands.
While some may chalk it up to fate, others to coincidence, the fact that the only weapon for the Bills that could possibly give the Patriots trouble (in their quest for the first undefeated season since Don Schula's Dolphins did it back in 1972), went down with an ankle injury is neither fate nor coincidence. It was Bill Belichick... An inconvenient truth indeed.
After reviewing game tape it became clear that Belichick used his super spy invisibility cloak to sneak onto the field and attempt to cut Lynch's. Belichick failed but he managed to make sure Lynch would be ineffective against the Patriots by twisting Lynch's ankle in a last ditch effort. Below is a screenshot taken from a frame by frame video. Evidently the cloak only works as long as you are not making physical contact with a living person, and a fast enough camera can catch you in the act.
Here's the photo. You be the judge. First Madden, now real football. Where will Belichick cheat next?

EMail Assertions of Fact

First off, I just need to note that it's always particularly difficult to follow some hard-hitting journalism about butthash.

That being said, it's always worth a good laugh to occasionally flip through past posts and check out the comments. By comments I mean the scattered 1 comment here and there, almost entirely by a commenter by the name of Justin. Sure, we comment on each others' posts every now and then, as well as some occasional non-Justin commenting (although I don't think there's been any of those in a few months). Well, this post is the reward that frequent commenting gets you (it also could be an award I just won for most usages of the word comment in a paragraph). In it's entirety, here's an e-mail I received from Justin (AKA the Birdman) about a month and a half ago:

"I couldn't think of anyone else I'd love to share these with more after I saw them during my daily reading of the Onion. The tagline for the nutritionist pic was "Zombie Nutritionist recommends all-brain diet" and the second pic obviously reflected the reason for low voter turnout at a recent election.

Love,
Birdman"

The pictures are, of course, those handsome gents to the right.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, "Self, I desperately want back those two minutes of my life that I just spent reading AoF today." After you had that self-destructive thought (and possibly also me-destructive thoughts), you then likely said, "Self, your boyish good looks and impish charm apparently are not all it takes to get your thoughts published on the internet. I wish I too could get on AoF, just like the Birdman. If only the editors cared to have me as a personal friend so that I could email them directly." Well, that's never gonna happen. I don't know what's worse, the fact that we write this nonsense or that strangers like you read it. But, here's a lucky compromise just for you. We've just launched the AoF hotline. EMail us your nonsensical suggestions here. If you couldn't be bothered to click on that link, here's the address in non-hyperlink form (kind of): AssertionsofFact@gmail.com. Pretty original name, huh. Just in the nick of time, too. It only took us nine months of operating the site to launch a way to contact us.

Fact: (Sh)it'll Get You High

If you've ever read this website before, you'd know that for survival purposes, Bear Grylls has done some crazy things, such as hoisted an enormous fresh elephant turd over his head, leaned back, opened his mouth and squeezed the turd until "water" flowed forth. He's also urinated into his canteen, only to immediately drink it because "letting it sit would give the bacteria time to replicate." Awesome.

It's a good thing Moses had God to rain manna from heaven and make water flow forth from the rock of Meribah. (sucks for Moses though, it was that rock which got him banned from heaven. If God came to you and told you to lead the Jews into the desert and then told you to tap a rock with your stick and water would flow from it, wouldn't you doubt yourself after the first strike didn't produce the water? Maybe he didn't hit it hard enough?) Imagine if all Moses had was fresh dung and recycled pee? He'd have the Jews running back to Egypt to chill with the plagues and fresh water.

Now I'm pretty sure that at birth I swore a sacred oath never to knowingly ingest feces, urine, or any byproduct of it, particularly my own. But evidently this was not the case in Africa, where this practice originated. As Chris Rock said, "people will do anything to get high."

Ladies and Gents, Loyal AoF readers, I present you with the newest-oldest method of getting high. JENKEM. Fermenting your own doody and pee, capturing the gasses in a balloon, and inhaling it. It'll get you FUCKED UP. Apparently people complain about the bad taste left in your mouth. To that I say...seriously? You just inhaled doody and you're complaining about the taste? DOODY! And guess what? KIDS LOVE IT!

This "warning" from the Collier County Sheriff's office reads like an advertisment in favor of legalizing marijuana. Don't want your kids sniffing their own dook? Roll'em a fatty. The names they give this are fantastic. Much better than "Mary Jane". I particularly like "fruit from the crack pipe", Leroy Jenkems, and Butthash.

Do your kids a favor. Buy them a bottle of 'tussin and save them the trouble of crapping in a jug.

Would it be fair to say: Hot off the 'net.

Ever since I read TDX's post (accounting for 50% of the traffic on this site daily), I've been trying to come up with an angle that would set AoF apart from the rest. Then I realized that it was nearly impossible as the only major common themes are sports, douchebags, and monkeys. Amazingly, as linked above, all of these sites exist in one form or another. This reminds me that at its inception, this site was touted as "purporting to know stuff." One example is the whole bullets falling from the sky (after being shot up in the air in celebration, warning, whathaveyou) killing Mexicans (or Canadians) assertion, which was argued for the better part of 3 months, and culminated in scattered statistics and a rather disappointing episode of Mythbusters.

So that brings us to today, 106 posts later, with no clear drive or direction. We've warned you about zombies and roombas. We've commented on George Foreman and Ann Coulter. We've live blogged Man v. Wild, and then live blogged the live blog. I could go ahead and say, from this point forward, we'll only write articles about sports. Sure we've got plenty of sports commentary, but most of it's coming from sites similar to ours. I could tell you that Kobe Bryant demanded a trade from the production of Kazaam 2 to the sequel to He Got Game, but only if Ray Allen wasn't a part of the trade. That would be a bold faced assertion of fact, whose truth only Kobe knows.

No...it wouldn't be fair to pigeon-hole AoF's content purely because it doesn't "fit the mold". With that in mind, I present to you with the morning "hot off the 'net(s)".

Matt Drudge, creator and operator of The Drudge Report, reports that he is the #3 most influential conservative in the U.S.. How about that. You run a website with a bunch of links to real reporting, break a presidential sex scandal or two, and next thing you know, you're #3. Just to put things into perspective, Rudy Giuliani, who's arguably a conservative and GENERAL DAVID PETRAEUS Commander of coalition forces in Iraq, are 1 and 2 respectively. 4th? Newt. Newt Gingrich. Behold, the power of the internets.

Remeber the cartoon, Mighty Mouse? Well that's one genetic tweak away from becoming a reality. Genetically engineering mice to be stronger, faster, with a higher metabolism, the ability to kick ass and NOT KNOWING how you're little experiment is affecting their brains? This has Pinky and the Brain catastrophe written all over it. Soon we'll have to genetically engineer snakes (on a plane) to eat all these super-mice.

Finally, Drew Carey has balls. Sure he's an overweight comedian (what makes fat funny?) that used to be a Navy Seal but decided hosting the Price is Right is his next career move. (Whose Line is it Anyway and the Drew Carey Show had their moments...that is until Wayne Brady went and choked a bitch). Now Carey is doing videos about the merits of medical marijuana. He's on his way to hosting what may arguably be the most popular show in television history but isn't shying away from his personal opinions. In a time when Imus gets canned for making a stupid joke, Dog the Bounty Hunter gets lambasted for his asshole son posting a private video conversation with a tabloid, and a kid gets tazered at a John Kerry talk, it's refreshing to see a bit of honesty in the face of popular opinion. I'd love to see the Contestant's Row prize be a half ounce of 'dro. (Closest without going over wins!) Let's face it. Half the people that watch the show are stoned college kids anyway (the other half being housewives/husbands and retirees). It's time to update the Price is Right. I want to be able to guess the price of that 2 ft, single blown Jerome Baker. Oh and don't forget to spay or neuter your pets.

Perspective of the Day

You all will hate me for this post and its topic. Let's get that out of the way. Now, as I have mentioned, all I do with my day is sleep, eat, poop and watch tv, mostly sports, mostly Boston sports. Sometimes I get crazy and read about sports too. Something has struck me in the last few weeks, and that is the power of perception. The topic du jour has been the Pats running up the score. Let me make one thing clear, I don't give a shit if Belichick or the Pats are "classy" and I guarantee you Belichick doesn't care either, nor do I take it personally, so stuff the warm and fuzzy arguments up your ass. If one presents said argument to me I will try not to laugh in your face and then mark you down as a whiny bitch in my mental PDA. The only issue I have with it is the inevitable Brady injury. I am a strong believer in the football Gods and I don't like the idea of Matt Cassel running the offense. It's like Warren Wallace over Rusty Wallace, except the Pats will be the ones getting put into a wall.

Regardless, I have noticed that all of a sudden everyone loves Tony Dungy, hates Bill Belichick and pretty much down the line for all the Patriots and their Colt counter-parts. All of a sudden, T.D. being deeply religious is a good thing, but our president is excoriated for it. Here's a fact that was rather quickly forgotten. (save your GWB/TD contrasts, I'm perfectly aware, the latter sentence was not entwined with the former). The current double standard is noted perfectly in this article, and it's all because of "spy gate". I get it, the Patriots cheated, and again, I'll take the (at this point lame) jokes because I'd be making the same lame jokes if it were anyone else. But why are the Pats doing this. It's all based on pride. Again, they cheated, but the standard buzz from past and present players is: the advantage was minimal, not to the tune of 3 Super Bowls. So now they have something to prove, so what, let's see what they do with no tape, the early returns seem decent enough.

Will you applaud if someone takes a cheap shot at Tom Brady? I pity you if you answer yes. What has Tom Brady done besides excel at his job. Would anyone be pissed if your co-worker ripped off a week's worth of work to your 2 hours. If your answer is yes, you are the same type of person who is bitching instead of working to your potential. In the end this goes beyond football to the decline of our culture through easing adversity instead of meeting it head on. I'll be the first to admit it, our parents' generation and especially our grandparent's generation would out work, out smart and out class our generation. We have benefited from the gifts given to us by their work and rested on their laurels. Let's face it, we're labeled as lazy and will fight that our entire lives. Our contributions? Yet to be seen, I'm not entirely optimistic and rightfully so: we have anti-bullying laws, the banning of contact sports (even kickball) at recess, no team games at recess because someone might get picked last. Let's feel good America, but the future isn't so bright for the kids who can't handle adversity . . . I digress.

It seems clear to me why the Pats are doing this. The last team to go undefeated was the '72 Dolphins. It's nearly impossible to do these days with parity, salary cap, etc the way it is. For a team to pull this off, its going to take something extraordinary, perhaps a feeling of invincibility, a "play your ass for for 60 minutes and never take your foot off the throat mentality." (or, as the current society mindset wants it, let's get what we want then stop working, stop performing to our potential, let the other guys play, save our feelings, I'll buy it in amateur sports, but that kind of thinking has no place in professional sports). Past Patriots teams were notorious for playing to the level of their competition. The plan has changed. Any given Sunday is the league's motto, for the steam-rolling accomplished by the Pats to this point, we are witnessing something that transcends the game, a pursuit of perfection like none other. Can you accomplish it by playing 45 minutes every week? I don't know the answer to that, apparently neither do the teams that feel short in that pursuit.

Ask yourself, as I do when I wonder about a Brady injury, if you are in his shoes, if you are in Belichick's shoes, does the risk outweigh the return. Maybe he'll get a cheap shot, but more importantly, maybe he'll go on to have the single most prolific season ever, turn in the first undefeated season in nearly 35 years and go into the history books in that manner. The bottom line is: to do something no one has done before you, you need to make your own way and that's all this really comes down to.