Fantasy Tip of the Day: Reminder, You are NOT a Real GM (although, to be fair, you're probably better than the man pictured below)

Fantasy Sports, perhaps the greatest idea since the adaptation of the "El Chupacabra" saga to film. Fantasy sports offer a much needed relief from the daily grind of productivity and I can attribute at least three sub-par academic performances and various late arrivals due to live drafts and last minute trades. This is one of life's finer pleasures, no doubt. But today I am sad to report that there is a massive plague threatening our leagues across the nation, and the name of this villain you might ask: douchebaggery.

That's correct. Douchebaggery has reared its ugly head on at least three occasions in the past year in separate leagues I have been a part of. Enough to warrant the immediate action of the AoF staff. The quick and simple solution for those who are into the whole brevity thing: 1.) don't join a public league and 2.) don't mix your friends from home with your friends from school, or co-workers and friends, etc. Keep the pool uniform.

Now, for those who enjoy challenge, you may try a slightly more tedious road, ridding your league of douchebaggery. This task is daunting to say the least, because douchebaggery is probably hereditary and they don't realize what complete assholes they are being, like liberals, so I will merely offer some tips so that you, faithful reader, can identify, and more importantly that you will not be labeled, "that guy" in your league.

(I draw the following tips from real life experience, because at AoF, we strive to impart our wisdom upon you. Now the set up: The douchebags in question were friends of the league commish from home, and there are three main perpetrators that make this league more miserable than having to broker a deal between Matt Millen and Drew Rosenhaus. To make it from the Super Bowl to Spring Training/March Madness, I decided to accept an invitation to this fantasy basketball league even though I find professional basketball to be less interesting than hockey until playoff time. Needless to say, I didn't give a shit. Therefore, I decided to try a social experiment: see how well an all white fantasy basketball team could perform. Since the league name was "whitemenCANjump" I thought this to be humorous. The douchebaggery contingent quickly proved me wrong).

Tip 1: Don't be an excessive poster. Posts are funny, humorous, a great place to talk shit, don't ruin it by posting updates on your favorite players and how they were recently the proud owners of a new cat.

Tip 2: Don't get personal. Especially with strangers. Honestly, take what you dish out and don't cry little a little bitch when someone comes back at you. Think before you speak, for instance calling someone a racist for having an all white team in a league called "whitemenCANjump" probably not thought through. That's worth 5 points on the douchebaggery scale.

Tip 3: Don't over analyze everyone else's team. Is it truly necessary to dedicate several (very serious) posts to why an all-white team can't win the league? NO SHIT! I thought my bench of Matt Bonner and JJ Reddick were going to take me to the top this year!! While I do enjoy updates as to Tim Thomas' impact on a team . . . no thats not true, i don't give a shit. Hey, Isiah Thomas, if I wanted your opinion on my team I'd kick you in the nuts.

Tip 4: (See tip 3 as well) The veto button is there for a reason, use it and shut the fuck up. Don't waste valuable posting space bitching about a trade that you don't like and then cry about how "unfair trades" are ruining the league. Yes, unfair trades RUIN a league, I'm pretty sure MLB owners rioted when the Sox got D-lowe and Varitek for Heathcliff Slocumb, or when the Giants traded away their entire future for she-li manning. I understand it is terribly time consuming to open an email, click the "veto" button, and then resume your life without being a complete asshat, but give it a shot.

Tip 5: YOU. ARE. NOT. A. REAL. GM. This cannot be overstated. It is called fantasy for a reason, especially if there is no salary cap in your league. Do not make late night phone calls (thats what email is for), do not heavily involve yourself in everyone else's business. Stop acting like your future hinges on every move you make. In reality, no one cares.

Tip 6: If you don't follow these rules, expect other owners to fuck with you for the simple reason that you are being a douche. Which leads me to . . .

Tip 7: Don't be a douche. This tip encompasses all of the other, let me give an example, this is an actual post threatening the commissioner of my league:

"WAIT, LET ME REPHRADE YOUR STATEMENT. You will not "try" and fix things, you WILL FIX THINGS! You are the commissioner and have the final say in anything that goes through. Unfortunately, we haven't been in a situation like this. If this goes through initially, this trade will be rescinded. I'm sure (My Team) and (My Trading Partner) called up all of their fellow last place friends to tell them not to veto it, just to piss us off.
(Commissioner)- Be a man and not a pussy for once, THIS TRADE WILL NO MATTER WHAT NOT HAPPEN!!"

Let's ignore the staggering lack of grammar for a moment and realize that a trade had gone through that the owner perceived to be unfair. To be fair, the douche in question is quite astute, this trade was organized just to piss him off. But bad news captain dipshit, in the real world we have slightly more important things to do than make phone calls regarding fantasy moves. Why is this little anecdote important you may ask? Because the trio of douchebags had spent the entire season breaking every simple rule above and complaining incessantly about any trade they didn't like and as a result they suffered the consequences of having owners turn on them and offer objective trades such as Dirk Nowitski for Kevin Pittsnogle.

You reap what you sow. With that I wish you all luck and hopefully AoF has helped to make our fantasy world a better place.