Live Blog: Man v. Wild - “Sierra Nevada”

11:23: Intro has a shot of what looks like Bear trying to take a shit right before he parachutes off of something. Excellent work on the graphics in this show btw (having trouble with sarcasm on the fly). I will be severely disappointed if Bear didn’t demand to do them himself.
11:24: Timeout for a quick house-call from Doc Rippopotamus.
11:26: Conversation about what the roast that DGD made did to all of us. Horrible.
11:31: Ultimatum issued that we resume the live blog. Kinda forgot about it.
11:32: Bear jumps out of what appears to be a perfectly fine airplane. He’s going to attempt to land in water. Ought not to be too much of a problem. Hangs on the wing of the aircraft for a while for dramatic effect. I have high hope for the episode so far.
11:33: Bullshit that he just landed in this tiny lake. Literally on the face of a mountain. DGD makes a call for naked pushups. So far so good. He’s stripped all the way down. You’ve got to be kidding me. You have to see the French Alps episode to get this. He fucking jumped into freezing cold water for no good reason, then jumped out, ran to the shore, stripped naked, and did pushups and god knows what else. I fell off the couch laughing so I didn’t get to see everything.
11:35: Bear just told a wonderful anecdote about getting Diarrhea. (I see that I capitalized Diarrhea. There was no good reason. I think I subconsciously believed Diarrhea should be given the respect it deserves with the capitalization due a proper noun.)
11:36: Bear runs up to the face of a cliff. Decides that it would take a couple hours to go around so he decides he has to go down the face of it without any equipment whatsoever. You gotta be kidding me. Really Bear? I think I’d take the time to go around.
11:39: Watching commercials for no good reason. Someone is slacking on the DVR.
11:41: Sonofabitch. Just discovered that the live blog is being live blogged by TW. Is live blog hyphenated? This is tough work.
11:44: OK, Bear decides to build a raft for some reason. He appears to be excellent at it. How do I not know how to make a sturdy raft from driftwood in about 6 to 7 minutes?
11:48: Fairly certain that Bear was in fake danger there. Claimed to have fallen off the raft at the precise time they needed a commercial break.
11:52: Decided to take a break from the show for a while. Bear was flaunting his roaring fire that he built immediately with a fucking flint and what may have been a turd. He definintely lit fire to a turd in Africa. He always seems to have the best fires made from the driest wood scattered about the forest. The wood we get from Krauszer’s shares no similarities. Shocking that the same place that the guy behind the counter who tried to sell TW a lighter shaped like a penis would have sub-par wood.
11:54: Goddammit, I look up just in time to see Bear eating something awful. He must have it in his contract that he has to pretend that absolutely everything could be food. He is required to eat something vile every fifteen minutes, preferably while I’m trying to eat.
11:56: Yes! I heard about this scene. Can’t wait to see how he’s gonna try and catch a wild horse.
11:58: I think there’s about to be some human-equine action. The child of this horse and Bear would form some sort of super-centaur. Wow, that was impressive. The horse was having none of that and just pushed him off and stepped on him. Possibly on his nuts.
12:00: Yup, just ate a fucking snake. Bear just ate a snake whole, sans head. It seemed particularly fitting that the commercial immediately following was for an Applebee’s steak. Couldn’t have held out Bear?
12:06: Fuck yes! Bear just threw a stick at a rabbit and killed it. That happened so quickly I’m still getting over it. He made a throwing stick (apparently a common weapon) and was trying to convince us he’d kill something with it. Then boom. I’m fairly certain that he could establish himself as a minor deity in some cultures.
12:10: That rabbit looks delicious. He goes about telling a story about some guy whose pants had an apple in it that a bear stole when he was sleeping. Bears are like homeless people, always out to steal your pants.
12:14: Bear’s eating ants. Nevermind that he just had a delicious rabbit that tasted like it was from a barbecue (his words).
12:17: Bear is absolutely fucking amazed at the sight of a huge lake. He must’ve been something as a kid. Better yet, imagine if he was retarded. Holy shit. It’d be like a dog barking at the mailman.
12:19: OK, seems fair that Bear has decided to swim the lake rather than walk the maybe ¼ mile around it. Uses his pants as a life preserver. This whole episode has just been one long excuse to take his pants off. His next location is Boystown where Lloyd had to go to deliver the signing papers to Jay Lester.
12:20: Bear finds a road magically. He tells about the life lessons he learned while pretending to get stuck in quite a nice section of the woods. If there is a lesson I’ve learned here is that these things are tough to write and I’m not as funny as I think I am. If there’s a second lesson to be learned is that bears are not to be trusted because they will steal your pants whenever they get the chance.