Fact: If only Chuck Norris were running for President.

Holy crap. I just slaved away for 30 mins writing a fine piece on the state of the world, how to stop the economic depression, a solution for the subprime mortgage problem, and the cure for AIDS. Then for some reason my internet expolorer decided it was time to crap it's pants, and I lost it all, the economy, the real estate market, banking, and AIDS. Gone. Like hell I'm going to write that all over again.

Looks like I'm going to have to go with Chuck Norris. I'm not sure anyone has ever been the benefactor of a pop cultural phenomenon as grand as the "Chuck Norris Facts." Think about it. All he had to do was act (poorly) in a few movies, act (horribily) in a poorly produced television action/drama, and act (awfully) in a few info-mercials for the Total Gym. Next thing you know, he can count to infinity, and move mountains. Now he's gone all Oprah on us and is using his popularity to influence the popular vote in support of Mike Huckabee (which we all know means nothing - thanks electoral college). I figured, anything that Chuck does has to be pretty terrible, but I'll say I was presently surprised. Here are my top 6 favorite Chuck Norris clips.









I was really hoping that this was Bear Grylls, but as it turns out Stephen Colbert was right about bears.

Lastly, this debate was raised: Chuck v. Jackie Chan. Thoughts?

Tale of the Tape: Chuck Norris v. Jack Bauer

I fear for my life for even raising this as a topic of debate. By the time this hits the blog-o-sphere, I'll already be dead.

Television regularly falls victim to the perils of bad spin-off shows and/or crossovers. But here I am proposing the ULTIMATE CROSSOVER. Any show starring Chuck Norris, crossed with 24, but done in 12 hours. (Lets call it 24 half hour episodes, no need to be greedy). Here's the rub, they both play good guys and I'm not looking for another poor attempt at turning the Konami Double Dragon Nintendo game into a live action show.

So here's how it goes down. (Cue dramatic music) Jack Bauer's mission takes him to Texas, accidentally crossing into Native American land. Boom, Chuck Norris's jurisdiction. Only problem is, it's the Native American's that have the "bomb" (or biological weapon, or secret to the end of the world, etc.). Chuck Norris (In his Walker, Texas Ranger "costume" or maybe his Delta Force outfit), a blood brother with a Native American chief, must weigh his loyalties: the oath he swore in blood, or the one he swore on the bible (to defend the country). Ultimately he decides that, in the same way Paul Walker let Vin Diesel go at the end of The Fast and the Furious, that he must find a way to do both. Only thing standing in his way...Jack Bauer. Let the games begin.

If and when Chuck and Jack meet face to face, my guess is it will probably look like a less "dancy" version of Patrick Swayze's big fight at the end of Roadhouse. No guns, no knives, only gut wrenching, throat-ripping-out, hand to hand combat. Lets look at the:

TALE OF THE TAPE: Norris v. Bauer

Height/Weight
Let's assume that stature can be ignored in this bout. I'm not in the mood to look it up.
Advantage: ME

Weapon of Choice
Chucky: Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The roundhouse is devestating. I heard he unleashed it accidentally and levelled a small village in Mbati...while still in Texas.
Bauer: Gun or Pretty much anything he can get his hands on. Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Advantage: Norris

Most Ridiculous Kill
Chucky: Honestly, I don't think he ever "kills" anyone intentionally. Sure he induces car crashes, followed by a comically large explosion, which I can assume kills the passenger, and I assume his roundhouse is deadly, but I don't recall him ever using it to its full capability. Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Bauer: Too many choose. I'm going to have to go with the one where he bit a terrorists carotid artery, immediately killing him. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Advantage: Bauer

Witness Interrogation Technique
Chucky: No one withholds information from Chuck Norris. Criminals just open up when faced with his stunning beard and ruggish good looks. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Bauer: Pain. Lots of it. Maybe drugs. They say torture is the sincerest form of flattery. Jack is overcomplimentary. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Advantage: Even

Personal Weaknesses
Chucky: has a soft spot for Native American Tribes, protecting their land, resources, etc. Generally doing so means that something is going to explode in a massive fireball. Who knew a horse drawn buggy could explode with such gusto. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Bauer: Family/Relationships. It's fairly standard that if you are friends with Jack, at some point you will be either, killed or tortured. Generally this leads to a lot of terrorist deaths. Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.

Advantage: Norris

Support Team:

Chucky: his deputy Texas ranger. I don't know his name. It doesn't really matter.

Bauer: Jack killed the lead of his support team in order to protect a terrorist. A nuke went off shortly afterwards. Jack needs no support team.

Advantage: Bauer

Well as it turns out we have a 2-2 tie. This is as easy as predicting Golden State beating Dallas. If we were basing this on beard factor a la Baron Davis, then Chuck will get the W. Time for me to go into hiding.

As I conclude this post, I find out there is a Jack vs. Chuck website. Well done.

Education in Review: Harvard University

I was watching some mindless television at two o'clock in the morning the other night and came across some programming that epitomized exactly how much I was wasting my time. Granted, I'm all about laying in bed at night, willing to be quasi-entertained by whatever happens to be on, fingers crossed, hoping to watch that sweet total gym commercial with Christie Brinkley and Chuck Norris. It's basically an attempt to stave off the darkness that creeps in on the outside of my vision, the sort that usually only an unhealthy dose of ketamine brings.

So anyway, back to the initial point. I flipped through the channels and CNN caught my eye. It was Larry King Live with Chris Rock as his guest. I think he was pitching that shitty looking "I Think I Love My Wife" movie. Of course he doesn't love his wife. He tolerates the mother of his children. At best. What surprised me was the language that he was getting away with. He caught himself saying tit and asked if he could get away with it. Larry King said he could, and then he himself said tit. Rock then said tit a bunch more times and King, unprovoked, called something or other a bunch of bitches. Rock then qualified that by saying that they were bitches that needed to be slapped. Which is the best way to describe Harvard.

A bunch of bitches that need to be slapped. Here's a quick anecdote that best describes what a bunch of bitches Harvard is. Direct from Wikipedia: "Maroon was not [Fordham's] original color, magenta was. Magenta was used on the uniforms of Fordham's "base-ball nines." The color was also used by Fordham's archrival, Harvard. Both institutions claimed prior right to use of magenta, and neither institution was willing to make concessions. Since it was "improper" for two schools to be wearing the same colors, the matter was to be settled by a series of baseball games. The winning team could lay claim to magenta. The losing team would have to find another color. Fordham won, but Harvard reneged on its promise."

I hope they all get great jobs, the kind of great jobs that I could never get. I hope they are extremely successful in those jobs and really make an impact on society. I hope it's the kind of impact that really makes the world better for all of us. Then I hope they die of stress related diseases from the 80 hour weeks they worked for twenty-odd years. Also, if it's too much to ask, I wouldn't mind it if they were to die of an Oregon Trail type disease, like a snake bite or, even better, dysentery.

Verdict: One fist up, all the way up to the elbow.