Fact: A-Rod Showers with Little Boys.

Today is free turkey day at my office. Free turkey day you say? Yes. Free Turkey Day. It's also the health fair. Cholesterol testing, blood pressure testing, etc. I have no interest in any of this. I know my cholesterol was through the roof last October and given my diet the past month there isn't a rabbit's chance in an episode of Man vs. Wild that it's gotten any better.

I'm actually here to kill time. For one reason or another I just can't manage to get anything done. All in all I'm actually amazed that I get away with doing so little. I guess it makes me feel better when I know the guy sitting next to me is doing even less. All that aside, let's dive into it. A-Rod is most likely going to be a Yankee (again). I really wish I'd posted my thoughts on this situation when he first opted out of his contract and the Yankees vowed not to deal with him ever again.

If I had posted my prediction on how this would have played out it would have read something along the lines of; Hank and Hal Steinbrenner are full of crap, once Lowell resigns with the BoSox they're going to pony up and pay A-Rod's asking price. Then a few things changed. First Miguel Cabrera came available, nice move Marlins, too bad your 5 year plan isn't panning out. (The Marlins have pretty much become an advance AAA prospect development team, where rather than developing in the minors, these players get to do it on the big stage. It's not a bad gig, look at Josh Beckett.)

Presumably, Cabrera's availability took a lot of A-Rod suitors out of the running. Then the GM meetings came along and what happened? A lot of speculation at who would be the first to enter the A-Rod sweepstakes, but no one actually buying a ticket. If it is possible there was ANTI-hype surrounding A-Rod, with most GM's stating reasons why they would not pursue him. This became a crazed situation where one can assume that Boras (or the media) took any GM's SILENCE on the A-Rod issue as an implicit admission that they were interested (when in fact they had both an All-Star shortstop and an All-Star, Gold Glove, Silver Slugger third baseman (who's boyish good looks, charm and charity were worth more than any topless central park sunbathing photoshoot.).)

I've never seen A-Rod show solidarity with cancer patients, while the media berates him for what they assume is a poor fashion choice...

Anyway, what transpired next, (yesterday) surprised me the most. More than the Yankees negotiating with A-Rod. It would seem that A-Rod did not have the intestinal fortitude to make good on his decision to opt out for more money. Apparently he was the one who did not have the patience to wait for the market to play itself out, contacted the Yankees and started working on a new deal. It must have been brought on by the $15/hr contract I mailed him (acceptance is good upon mailing, A-Rod) to mow pretty shapes into my front lawn. (it really is quite picturesque in an abstract art sort of way - think...starry night, but with a thin veil of clouds).

Many "professional" sports writers are saying that Boras overplayed his hand. Maybe he did maybe he didn't. To me, it looks like Boras lost control of his client. Ari Gold always says "manage your client's expectations." Boras broke this cardinal rule. Perhaps the sports reporting news got to A-Rod and he got nervous that he wouldn't be making 80 mil. I do know that the Texas Rangers couldn't be happier and the Steinbrenner's look like shrewd businessmen. Anything could happen from this point on. Until ink is put to paper, no deal is done. The Marlins could come sweeping in with an offer that blows our minds. But until then, ARod, my offer is still on the table.

I just realized that I made a semi-serious argument on Assertions of Fact. Not cool. Oh yeah. A-Rod showers with little boys.

Moustaches From Around the World

Those of you who are regulars readers of AoF (both of you) have no doubt been up in arms over an omission of mine that is so glaring that it ought to be criminal. I am, of course, referring to a recap of Moustachio Bashio. Just in case you had fears that it had not taken place at all, let me allay your fears and reassure you, yes, moustaches from about the town, nay, the world, congregated in our backyard for one glorious day.

As means of explaining why I never posted the follow-up, I'm gonna let Vince Vaughn ("Swingers" Vince Vaughn, not "Old School" Vince Vaughn. It was kind of like new school Vince Vaughn) do the explaining for me: "Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep." Just replace pretending to study for the bar with any of those three and you have the reasons right there.

Without further ado, here's a little trip down Moustachio Drive:

This is all that we had pictures of. Turns out that you don't end up taking too many pictures when at least one of your hands tends to have a bottle of Bird 101 in it. I was thinking about making some sort of mix and match game, where you pick out which one of the group looks the most like a rapist, but after looking at this group it's just not possible. The answer would end up being A-F.

Only one is fake, all are horrible. None of us are cops, although it is telling that only two of us have jobs. Also, I'm pretty sure moustache number 5 belongs to a child molester.