Musings From the World of Politics and Zombies

Today we awoke to a world where Al Gore is a Nobel Peace Prize winner. Just because the award was given to an off-kilter slightly insane lefty does that mean the award is tarnished in my eyes? The answer is of course: abso-fucking-loutely. What a crock of shit, what's next Michael Moore winning one? Shit, I'm joining the movement to get Stephen Colbert one. On a serious note, it's things like this that make my inner ultra-conservative want to lash out and take away health care, schools and drop a bomb on every oil producing country, loot the remains and go on a nation wide parade passing out the looted wealth like candy to large corporations across the land.

In fact I would also like to raise awareness of the impending zombie epidemic that threatens our world. It's true, I have a shitload of facts and testimony from reputable sources (mostly a ton of movies and time wasted discussing this instead of studying). My "documentary" doesn't even require cautionary notes about the slanted manner in which I present the "facts." At one point God will unleash a disease upon us to raise the dead and they will devour us, ending civilization. It's all fact, don't believe me? You hate people and want us to perish one piece of torn flesh at a time.

I was thinking perhaps my bias played a role in this but then I read the Nobel Committee's reason for giving the award, which included such shit nuggets like global warming will lead to more war and conflict. I expected such twisted logic from the smug douchebags in Hollywood who give out awards based on who has the biggest mouth and who can smell their own fart the longest, but not from an award I previously viewed as prestigious. Sad day indeed. Don't take my word for it here's some actual scientists who do real work and don't necessarily disagree with Al Gore:

'It's every scientist's dream to win a Nobel Prize, so this is great for myself and the hundreds that worked on their reports over the years.
It is perhaps a little deflating though - that one man and his PowerPoint show has as much influence as the decades of dedicated work by so many scientists.'

'Al Gore doesn't understand the science behind climate change or he deliberately misrepresents it.'

And perhaps best put: "They [the Nobel committee] have a unique platform in getting people's attention on this issue, and I regret they have used it to make a political statement."

Indeed. So think hard readers. If you believe Al Gore, you should prepare for zombies. However, if you persist to deny the impending zombie holocaust, you are living a double standard and quite frankly we have no place for you here. I will take great pride in shooting you in the head from my perch atop the nearest Super-Walmart (guns and food what else do you need? I know MDC is down for at least the guns.)

FACT: Illiteracy Rears its Ugly Head

Hopefully this is the last apology to the baker's dozen or so of our readers, but, on behalf of the editors of AoF, we extend our sincerest regrets at being unable to offer you more material on the ever-growing internet with which to waste your time. Clearly, without our presence in the blogosphere being established on a daily basis, posting articles replete with assertions of fact, one's day of web surfing is clearly incomplete, dare I say it, bordering upon inadequacy. Also, if you have a problem with my run-sentences, I suggest you go visit the estimated 12 percent of the internet that is porn. Now that's what Al Gore invented the internet for, not infrequently updated blogs that add little to society other than providing a forum to discuss zombies or Mike Vick's legal problems/herpes.

As stated a few times in some of the posts from the past few months, we were studying/growing moustaches for the bar exam. Thankfully, that's now over, and the only thing currently occupying my thoughts is an attempt to refine that pesky no alcohol before noon rule into something more amenable to my schedule, maybe 9:30 or so. What I refuse to budge on, however, is the no smoking crack 30 minutes before going for a swim. Safety first.

Before I digress from my digressions, I do want to point out that the bar has officially shredded my brain into an unrecognizable mass not fit for society. Another few days of study and taking the test itself would have been impossible. Imagine how one would feel if, hypothetically, they decided that writing out a test by hand was simply just far too physically taxing, and they had to take the bar on the computer. I mean, who can't sympathize? Here you've been, your whole life, at least 25 years or so, actually physically handwriting all your answers. How loathesome. Well, guess what you 5,000 or so douchebags that wouldn't dare bring yourselves to be troubled with the low-tech machinations of pen to paper.........looks like the typewritten NY bar exams might be lost

Now, it doesn't matter so much that they may all end up being recovered. The point is that all of those smarmy bastards now have to sweat it out. The best part is that, if they're lost, tough shit, see you next February for the next test. That's just an insane possibility, I mean, my brain is swiss cheese. I'm practically functionally illiterate now after this ordeal. Although, to be fair, I'm not actually illiterate, as opposed to past American Idol winner Fantasia, which just goes to show that books will get you nowhere in life. Just drop out of school and hope they make a reality TV show for your skill irrelevant to functioning in today's market economy. I'm personally holding out hope for "Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07 Idol".

OK, time to take my leave. The laptop I'm typing on is burning my nuts. If handwritten blogging were possible I would.