Tale of the Tape: Chuck Norris v. Jack Bauer

I fear for my life for even raising this as a topic of debate. By the time this hits the blog-o-sphere, I'll already be dead.

Television regularly falls victim to the perils of bad spin-off shows and/or crossovers. But here I am proposing the ULTIMATE CROSSOVER. Any show starring Chuck Norris, crossed with 24, but done in 12 hours. (Lets call it 24 half hour episodes, no need to be greedy). Here's the rub, they both play good guys and I'm not looking for another poor attempt at turning the Konami Double Dragon Nintendo game into a live action show.

So here's how it goes down. (Cue dramatic music) Jack Bauer's mission takes him to Texas, accidentally crossing into Native American land. Boom, Chuck Norris's jurisdiction. Only problem is, it's the Native American's that have the "bomb" (or biological weapon, or secret to the end of the world, etc.). Chuck Norris (In his Walker, Texas Ranger "costume" or maybe his Delta Force outfit), a blood brother with a Native American chief, must weigh his loyalties: the oath he swore in blood, or the one he swore on the bible (to defend the country). Ultimately he decides that, in the same way Paul Walker let Vin Diesel go at the end of The Fast and the Furious, that he must find a way to do both. Only thing standing in his way...Jack Bauer. Let the games begin.

If and when Chuck and Jack meet face to face, my guess is it will probably look like a less "dancy" version of Patrick Swayze's big fight at the end of Roadhouse. No guns, no knives, only gut wrenching, throat-ripping-out, hand to hand combat. Lets look at the:

TALE OF THE TAPE: Norris v. Bauer

Height/Weight
Let's assume that stature can be ignored in this bout. I'm not in the mood to look it up.
Advantage: ME

Weapon of Choice
Chucky: Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The roundhouse is devestating. I heard he unleashed it accidentally and levelled a small village in Mbati...while still in Texas.
Bauer: Gun or Pretty much anything he can get his hands on. Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Advantage: Norris

Most Ridiculous Kill
Chucky: Honestly, I don't think he ever "kills" anyone intentionally. Sure he induces car crashes, followed by a comically large explosion, which I can assume kills the passenger, and I assume his roundhouse is deadly, but I don't recall him ever using it to its full capability. Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Bauer: Too many choose. I'm going to have to go with the one where he bit a terrorists carotid artery, immediately killing him. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Advantage: Bauer

Witness Interrogation Technique
Chucky: No one withholds information from Chuck Norris. Criminals just open up when faced with his stunning beard and ruggish good looks. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Bauer: Pain. Lots of it. Maybe drugs. They say torture is the sincerest form of flattery. Jack is overcomplimentary. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Advantage: Even

Personal Weaknesses
Chucky: has a soft spot for Native American Tribes, protecting their land, resources, etc. Generally doing so means that something is going to explode in a massive fireball. Who knew a horse drawn buggy could explode with such gusto. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Bauer: Family/Relationships. It's fairly standard that if you are friends with Jack, at some point you will be either, killed or tortured. Generally this leads to a lot of terrorist deaths. Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.

Advantage: Norris

Support Team:

Chucky: his deputy Texas ranger. I don't know his name. It doesn't really matter.

Bauer: Jack killed the lead of his support team in order to protect a terrorist. A nuke went off shortly afterwards. Jack needs no support team.

Advantage: Bauer

Well as it turns out we have a 2-2 tie. This is as easy as predicting Golden State beating Dallas. If we were basing this on beard factor a la Baron Davis, then Chuck will get the W. Time for me to go into hiding.

As I conclude this post, I find out there is a Jack vs. Chuck website. Well done.

The Layup Post

Fact: Sometimes you find things on the internet that you just can't elaborate on. No way to make it funnier, its just there for the taking. This, like laying in bed when a drunk girl stumbles into your room and does her thing without you having to move your lazy ass, is a layup post. As our friends at Urban Dictionary put it: "an easy score. an uncontested basket. He saw Betty across the room and he knew it was going to be a layup."

It makes my job much easier, which is good considering I have a final due in under 24 hours that I'm not close to finishing. But I am dedicated to you the reader. So with that, sponsored by the left side of the Yankees infield, I give you: Gay Rodeo's Most Popular Event. (It's also worth your time to watch Gay Rodeo Curious). What's funnier, the fact that there's a gay rodeo, or that it is everything you would have expected? I just don't know. . .

Live Blogging Touchdown Xerxes Live Blogging Man v. Wild: Sierra Nevada

11:24 – TDX decides that we have to pause Man v. Wild in the opening credits for important pre-show business.

11:30 – DGD requests water and wheat thins. (he might be gay, i mean anorexic)

11:31 – Ultimatum issued. There will be no pausing the DVR from this point forward. Sports guy doesn’t get to tell the MLB to stop playing as he live blogs….or does he?...

11:33 – Dougie’s Goin’ Deep makes a call form Bear to do naked pushups

11:34 – This picture should reside over my mantle

11:35 – TDX attempts to take a sip of water, but fails, laughing at the word “diahhreah”

11:36 – deciding to give up trying to remember how to spell diarreah

11:37 – TDX notes that he would take the time to find a way around a cliff, while Bear decides exactly the opposite. I nod in asset at the statement by TDX that “you gotta be kidding me” as Bear crabwalks down the side of the mountain.

11:38 – noted amazement by TDX at the success Bear has at crabwalking down the mountain.

11:38.35 – TDX feels that a broken bone is not significant enough to get you out of the Sierra Nevada mountains.

11:39 – I am presently forcing TDX and DGD to watch commercials (during a pre-recorded DVR show), waiting to see how long it will take them to get pissed and yell at me.

11:40 – DGD taps his fingers and stares at me in annoyance.

11:41 – …bam… – I just lost a buck…to myself…

11:42 – TDX states that my delay in fast forwarding is only acceptable if I am live blogging a live blog. The jig is up. I have been caught. My amusement wanes…

11:44 – DGD has a brilliant suggestion for a new show – having a camera crew follow someone doing the same thing Bear does…not so sweet…but having the guy watch Man v. Wild and have him try to copy what Bear does…much sweeter

11:45 – I admit that I would do that show. Sans climbing perhaps…

11:46 – TDX is upset at how slow the river is moving. The rapids increase, he is still incredulous about the stability and durability of the raft.
11:48 – TDX calls shenanigans on the danger of the river. Well not really shenanigans, he merely said it was fake danger. I call shenanigans on his call of fake danger. Which aren’t really shenanigans. …wee shenanigans…

11:52 - I discuss my plans to record a video birthday message. TDX suggests doing it in front of “Planet Sunrise”, which may trump my fireside chat or golden popcorn acceptance speech ideas.

11:53 – TDX asks if Bear ever started a fire with shit in Africa. What else are you starting a fire with in Afrcia? Dust? Elephant Tusks?

11:54 – I’ve delayed my commercial fast forwarding. I am going to stare them down until they tell me to change it. Over under, 40 seconds. I take the over. Damn. I just lost another buck…to myself…

11:56 – Commercial break over. TDX has admitted to slacking at live blogging. Yeah, he sucks.

11:56 – Wild Horses. Much laughter ensues.

11:57 – apparently we’re watching the Indian technique at taming wild horses. Bear is not politically correct. Unless he’s talking about the middle of the road baseball franchise located in Cleveland, and was the subject of the Charlie Sheen, Tom Beringer movie series “Major League”. TDX is hoping he really does ride this horse for the rest of the episode. Claims that we have “been deprived of something truly wonderful as seeing Bear on horseback”.

12:00 - My suspicion is that TDX wants to ride Bear. Would it be correct to give that the moniker, “bearback”?

12:00 – taking a pee break.

12:03 – DGD asks if the drug companies are giving impotency a fancy name, like ED. Damn these commercials.

12:07 – Bear just killed a rabbit with a “throwing stick”. The unintentional comedy is difficult to understand without seeing it first hand.

12:14 – TDX asserts as fact that you should never eat a spider if you are lost in the wild. Apparently the nutritional value is not worth the sheer awfulness of having to EAT A FUCKING SPIDER.

12:19 – TDX notes that this episode has just been an excuse for Bear to take his pants off. Cardinal rule, you NEVER go out once the pants are off. If you’re out and pants come off, its probably a good night…or you crapped your pants...then it's a bad night.

12:20 – Episode over. Goodnight.

Fact: 24 Even Makes Republicans Cringe

As many of you may have noted by my esteemed colleague's constant (not-so) subtle jabs, I am a card carrying Republican and damn proud of it. More specifically, I am a consequentialist libertarian; just for the record. I dislike democrats, mostly extreme liberals (and also extreme conservatives) who make shit up and argue from the bottom of their bleeding hearts, albeit without any facts to back them up. Maybe I'll send them the link to this site as my community service for the decade. But even more-so, I despise the dip shits who use their celebrity to spout off absurd theories and bash our country even though our "greed ridden" society has created them and given them the platform to let stupidity flow like piss on your roommate's car at the end of a drunken night. It's called capitalism you communists, if you like Canada's "national health care" system, go up there and wait a year for an appendectomy, that's one less year we have to see your face. If you like Cuba's amazing government, hell, why not take a parlay with their health care as well, (ok but seriously let's clarify the links to those last two amazing assholes) then go learn to love Castro or die. Sounds a bit like New Hampshire actually, and who doesn't like New Hampshire?


The preceding rant was brought to you by Jack Bauer, who is actually the emperor of the United States. What's that? The US is a democracy? We don't have an emperor? Better go into witness protection because Jack Bauer just uploaded your address into his PDA and is coming to torture and kill you for questioning the legitimacy of his throne. You have 10 minutes . . . that's not true, grab a last meal because Jack Bauer invented witness protection, basically, you're fucked. Anyway, not that you'll be around to read it, this post is hopefully one of a weekly installment pointing out the absurdities of each week of 24. (Yes, it is the absurdities that makes it enjoyable, but honestly, it hurts sometimes).

*****Spoiler Alert***** (as noted, we don't care)

This week was a lesson in how government does not even come close to functioning. VP Noah Daniels (problem 1a, who votes for the ticket with a candidate named Noah on it?) has decided to become a Democrat and pretend the Constitution says whatever supports his ideas. Therefore, within the 25th Amendment, the inability of the president to discharge the duties of his office apparently means that taking the position he has taken all season is a sign of disability or conflict of interest, and a disagreement over policy might lead to that. (The scary thing is that this might actually be a plausible argument, proving once again that reality is sometimes more absurd than fiction). Going further, there are more power shifts in 20 minutes than probably happen within a full term in Washington. Nuke them, wait don't, yes do it, wait no, hang on maybe we will, no definitely not Palmer wins . . . oh no wait Palmer has decided to nuke them going against everything he stands for. Nice. Roller coaster effects like this tend to cause some nausea. Fortunately, Tom Lennox has seen situations worse than this, like when he facilitated the return of Vigo the Carpathian.

The second problem with this episode is the fact that Grendenko, in a display of manliness like no other, cuts off his arm with an axe (which just happened to be in the boathouse), then gave up the one guy who can probably help him escape, then dies under the pier because the asshole has been bleeding profusely for 20 minutes. Does this make any sense? I mean we know he's out for himself, but you would think that would include something minor like, I don't know, living?

from this: to this!? . . . really?

Finally, besides the fact that merely waking Wayne Palmer up from a coma has made him fully functional, Milo kills me. Honestly, this is the most unbelievable part of this show (no it's not Jack knowing how to fly everything from a plane, to a drone, to a really big kite). Really producers? This computer geek really goes from fighting some dude for Chloe to pulling ass like Nadia? Really? REALLY? This is the guy that is almost brought to tears by Morris and after taking one bullet he's Jack's protege? Really? I think not.

Fact: Meet my kids. George, George, George, George, George...and Georgette.

You might think this has something to do with George Foreman. I merely enjoy the fact that George Foreman not only endorses the ultimate fat grilling machine (although I am partial to the Snackster) but also recognizes the second most effective form of self promotion is to name all five of his sons George and one of his daughter's Georgette. (He must have realized how ridiculous it was to try and adapt his name for all of his daughters. Actually no, he must have ran out of ways to adapt his name for his daughters. I can think of a few. Georgia, Georgina, GeorGina (rhymes with a female body part), LaGeorgia).

George, George Jr., George III, George IV, George V and George VI. (not necessarily in that order)

Now this may seem like the most random post ever. I mean EVERYONE knows that George Foreman is self obsessed. Hell, just check out his self promotional website Big George.com.

If you delve deep enough you will find out that he is not only a puncher but also a preacher (an ordained minister), a family man, a rancher

" I could get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bulls ass, but I'd rather take George Foreman's word for it." - me

and a world class trainer of horses. His horse, Bayou Traveler is about as fast as an emu.

What really spurred this George Foreman rant of sorts was the news of a 25 year old "music producer" found guilty of fraud, told the judge that while he has no kids, he has six on the way. Sextuplets? No, unless you count kids born within a month of each other from SIX different women close enough. That's a hell of a lot of child support checks. He'll probably send empty envelopes. Anyway, I'd prefer this version of sextuplets to whatever that d-bag is claiming.

Fact: 70 Yr Old Chokes a Bitch

Would it be fair to say that no one on his Carnival cruise is going to mess with this old man?
An approximately 70 year old retired GI fended of potential attackers with his bare hands killing one and causing the other two to flee with pee streaming down their costa rican/bermuda shorts.


This isn't the guy, but this picture is hanging in my gym and I can't help but picture this guy using his kung-fu grip to snap the clavical of an unsuspecting 20 year old with a pocketknife. Oh and the local authorities are not pressing charges.


...Miller needs to get this guy for their Man Law commercials...


...I wonder if he had flashbacks...