Update: Monkeys are Still Assholes

What do you suppose the term is for something that is still newsworthy, but is hardly "breaking" or particularly current? It's probably not news, that entire word denotes a level of recentness. There, I'll go with that: Urgent Breaking Recent Stuff. Monkeys are still assholes. This is a topic that perhaps I should have addressed immediately given the level of importance, but its just that my blogging has gotten extremely lazy lately and mostly consists of creating posts around whatever stuff people send me. As aforementioned, I'm lazy, so it takes me a while to get around to some of the stuff. Enough stalling, back to the matter at hand, namely a topic so large that we've devoted numerous posts to it. I'll just reference you to the tag "Monkeys" where you can peruse all we've had to say on the matter. It's currently in a three way tie for second most popular asserted fact, and after today, oh boy, it's gonna take over sole possession of second.

Here in America, all we have to worry about, when it comes to monkeys, is getting hit with the occasional flung dook from a caged primate at the zoo. We have no idea how good we have it. In South Africa, however, goddamn street gangs of monkeys roam the city, terrorizing its denizens and committing all sorts of crimes. They've taken to just breaking into people's cars and homes looking for things to steal. They even set up look-out monkeys to make sure the coast is clear. That part I don't really understand, unless South Africa has a monkey penal system, where they can get 3-5 for a B&E. Although, given how in the not-too-distant past South Africa had a fairly prominent penal system that, to put it delicately, only incarcerated certain members of the race not in power, I guess anything is possible. Now that I think of that, fuck South Africa. That's what they get for carrying Apartheid WAY too far into modern times. I mean, Christ, they didn't end that until a full 130 years after we freed our slaves, and it's not exactly like we were quick to do that either. Sure, sure, all you sticklers out there will be quick to point out that Apartheid wasn't slavery. OK, not exactly, but, at the bare minimum, we had them beat by 30 years with our civil rights movements, so fuck off sticklers.

Before I hit you with the video, which is quite well put together, I might add, here's a quote from it, "They get into the kitchens, they know where the fridge is, they open it and take everything, and then they defecate everywhere." If you can't trust monkeys not to defecate in or around your fridge, then I just don't know what's left in this topsy-turvy world we live in. Also, side note, while I'm talking about the fact that we Americans are spoiled in our non-monkey violence world, I actually have a little monkey story that hits close to home. My father was actually bit by a monkey once. The manner in which he got bit is the best part. He was doing the typical tourist thing while in India, and while he was at the Taj Mahal, a fucking monkey leapt out of a tree (at least 20 feet away he said, probably more) and landed on his back and bit the back of his neck. Crazy vampire monkeys. Gave him rabies and everything. So before you young readers go to sleep tonight, thank your lucky stars that we don't live in a goddamned rabies filled leaping monkey society.

B.K. Layup: News in Brief

If you were stealing cell phones wouldn't you do the same thing this guy did?
...i know some people would...

Hugh Grant managed to get himself arrested, again. This time it was over something he could have put in his mouth...not Divine Brown's...

This is just damn sexy...my hump, my hump my hump my hump...

These crazy Germans. Yeah they make a great car, but apparently only one form of transportation is acceptable currency.

Something smells funny. This two and half year old couldn't figure it out...not divine brown, more like...doo-doo brown...

Lastly, if you were an armed guard at the US Embassy in Kyr-gyz-stan and a naked man approached in a threatening manner, would you shoot him? Maybe if he was doing a meatspin. (link will not be provided. you can do that research yourself. perv.)

Fact: Weekend Digest

I just thought I'd bring your attention to some of the more absurd events that are taking place around the world. Normally I'd ask some of these people to be AoF contributors, since absurdity is right up our alley. But I don't think I could even make this stuff up.

In Michigan, your video iPod isn't so special...

...i think the writer of this article hits the nail right on the head from the get-go...

I suppose anything's possible, but would you really think a 30 year old woman could pretend to be a 17 year old boy? Her 14 year old girlfriend's parents did.

...think that's bad? She raped and beat her too...

Overweight in Brazil? Perhaps a visit to the race track is in order.

...I'll be honest, I find this both sad and moderately humorous...Does that make me a bad person?...probably.

I would have preferred a monument to SPAM, but we can't all get what we want...

...Bosnia should be happy they didn't serve cow chips...I'm serious about the SPAM monument too...

I choose not to vote because no matter which way I vote, the results are the same. In Missouri, they just don't vote...at all...

Think about how pissed you'd be if you had testicular cancer. Its not the end of the world, relatively curable, and hey, at least you get to keep one nut. Now imagine how pissed you'd be if you woke up, the doctor told you they accidentally took the wrong ball, and by the way, you still have cancer....

Alright, I'll admit there's a bit of a running theme featuring humorous/satirical pictures featuring G-Dub. To be perfectly honest I don't go out of my way looking for these pictures. It's purely coincidental that when I searched for pictures of Satan, Bush happened to pop up. Similarly, when you do an search in Google for "Failure", the second most popular link is for G.W.B. It used to be that you could just do an "I'm feeling lucky" search and you would get that page, but I blame Technorati for ending that.

Anyway, here's another picture I stumbled upon when doing a picture search for "absurdity", and here's the site its from. I'd say its a tad bit over the top, but quite humorous if you don't take politics too seriously.