Fact: Mother Nature Hits Close to Home

Okay, not the home of AoF, but possibly YOUR home loyal AoF reader. Fox, the always reputable, fair and balanced news source reported that "some people believe that a tornado touched down in Bay Ridge, NY." Maybe it was a tornado, maybe it wasn't. It could have been a herd of "wild" cows. It could have been a pack of wild monkeys. They look so natural just chilling on the corner, don't they? Really it could have been anything.

Like the time there was either an earthquake, a train flew off the tracks 10 miles into the side of my house orBear Grylls took a mammoth bite of some fresh sushi that he worked extremely hard to catch. I think the moments preceding the bite looked something like this:




Bottom line, if the National Weather Service issues a tornado warning for a part of the country not usually prone to wild monkey, I mean tornado attacks, you can do one of two things. (1) You can scoff at those fools at the NWS and go about your day OR (2) You can monkey proof your home (or stoop) or cardboard box, and do your damnedest to survive. But hey, why bother playing it safe, there's no fun in life if you're not living dangerously. Do me a favor, go back to the article and look at the tree sitting on that Benz. Tornado? Perhaps. Or just a really pissed off Silverback that escaped from the Bronx Zoo and took the subway all the way to the end only to be MORE pissed off he ended up in Brooklyn? I'll leave that decision to you loyal reader.

As for the earthquakes, sure, they happen, but rarely in the northeast. But I'm going to put money on that it was Bear Grylls trying to kill my dog with a throwing stick, missing, and hitting my house with the force of 1,000 10 year olds, while filming an episode of Man vs. Wild: Suburbia.

On a completely different note, Reuters reports that President Bush did not watch nor take the time to personally congratulate Barry Bonds on breaking the Home Run record. You know what? GOOD, I'd hope the President has better things to do (like croqueting, playing cornhole (a fantastic drunk game for preschoolers I learned in Worchester, MA), and rolling dice with the department heads (clickity clack)). I am only gladdend by the fact that the guy who caught the nefarious record breaking home run ball was from Queens, wearing a Mets t-shirt and "just passing through" on his way to Australia. I hope the ball gets stolen by a pack of wild armadildo's.

Live Blog: Man v. Wild - “Sierra Nevada”

11:23: Intro has a shot of what looks like Bear trying to take a shit right before he parachutes off of something. Excellent work on the graphics in this show btw (having trouble with sarcasm on the fly). I will be severely disappointed if Bear didn’t demand to do them himself.
11:24: Timeout for a quick house-call from Doc Rippopotamus.
11:26: Conversation about what the roast that DGD made did to all of us. Horrible.
11:31: Ultimatum issued that we resume the live blog. Kinda forgot about it.
11:32: Bear jumps out of what appears to be a perfectly fine airplane. He’s going to attempt to land in water. Ought not to be too much of a problem. Hangs on the wing of the aircraft for a while for dramatic effect. I have high hope for the episode so far.
11:33: Bullshit that he just landed in this tiny lake. Literally on the face of a mountain. DGD makes a call for naked pushups. So far so good. He’s stripped all the way down. You’ve got to be kidding me. You have to see the French Alps episode to get this. He fucking jumped into freezing cold water for no good reason, then jumped out, ran to the shore, stripped naked, and did pushups and god knows what else. I fell off the couch laughing so I didn’t get to see everything.
11:35: Bear just told a wonderful anecdote about getting Diarrhea. (I see that I capitalized Diarrhea. There was no good reason. I think I subconsciously believed Diarrhea should be given the respect it deserves with the capitalization due a proper noun.)
11:36: Bear runs up to the face of a cliff. Decides that it would take a couple hours to go around so he decides he has to go down the face of it without any equipment whatsoever. You gotta be kidding me. Really Bear? I think I’d take the time to go around.
11:39: Watching commercials for no good reason. Someone is slacking on the DVR.
11:41: Sonofabitch. Just discovered that the live blog is being live blogged by TW. Is live blog hyphenated? This is tough work.
11:44: OK, Bear decides to build a raft for some reason. He appears to be excellent at it. How do I not know how to make a sturdy raft from driftwood in about 6 to 7 minutes?
11:48: Fairly certain that Bear was in fake danger there. Claimed to have fallen off the raft at the precise time they needed a commercial break.
11:52: Decided to take a break from the show for a while. Bear was flaunting his roaring fire that he built immediately with a fucking flint and what may have been a turd. He definintely lit fire to a turd in Africa. He always seems to have the best fires made from the driest wood scattered about the forest. The wood we get from Krauszer’s shares no similarities. Shocking that the same place that the guy behind the counter who tried to sell TW a lighter shaped like a penis would have sub-par wood.
11:54: Goddammit, I look up just in time to see Bear eating something awful. He must have it in his contract that he has to pretend that absolutely everything could be food. He is required to eat something vile every fifteen minutes, preferably while I’m trying to eat.
11:56: Yes! I heard about this scene. Can’t wait to see how he’s gonna try and catch a wild horse.
11:58: I think there’s about to be some human-equine action. The child of this horse and Bear would form some sort of super-centaur. Wow, that was impressive. The horse was having none of that and just pushed him off and stepped on him. Possibly on his nuts.
12:00: Yup, just ate a fucking snake. Bear just ate a snake whole, sans head. It seemed particularly fitting that the commercial immediately following was for an Applebee’s steak. Couldn’t have held out Bear?
12:06: Fuck yes! Bear just threw a stick at a rabbit and killed it. That happened so quickly I’m still getting over it. He made a throwing stick (apparently a common weapon) and was trying to convince us he’d kill something with it. Then boom. I’m fairly certain that he could establish himself as a minor deity in some cultures.
12:10: That rabbit looks delicious. He goes about telling a story about some guy whose pants had an apple in it that a bear stole when he was sleeping. Bears are like homeless people, always out to steal your pants.
12:14: Bear’s eating ants. Nevermind that he just had a delicious rabbit that tasted like it was from a barbecue (his words).
12:17: Bear is absolutely fucking amazed at the sight of a huge lake. He must’ve been something as a kid. Better yet, imagine if he was retarded. Holy shit. It’d be like a dog barking at the mailman.
12:19: OK, seems fair that Bear has decided to swim the lake rather than walk the maybe ¼ mile around it. Uses his pants as a life preserver. This whole episode has just been one long excuse to take his pants off. His next location is Boystown where Lloyd had to go to deliver the signing papers to Jay Lester.
12:20: Bear finds a road magically. He tells about the life lessons he learned while pretending to get stuck in quite a nice section of the woods. If there is a lesson I’ve learned here is that these things are tough to write and I’m not as funny as I think I am. If there’s a second lesson to be learned is that bears are not to be trusted because they will steal your pants whenever they get the chance.

Live Blogging Touchdown Xerxes Live Blogging Man v. Wild: Sierra Nevada

11:24 – TDX decides that we have to pause Man v. Wild in the opening credits for important pre-show business.

11:30 – DGD requests water and wheat thins. (he might be gay, i mean anorexic)

11:31 – Ultimatum issued. There will be no pausing the DVR from this point forward. Sports guy doesn’t get to tell the MLB to stop playing as he live blogs….or does he?...

11:33 – Dougie’s Goin’ Deep makes a call form Bear to do naked pushups

11:34 – This picture should reside over my mantle

11:35 – TDX attempts to take a sip of water, but fails, laughing at the word “diahhreah”

11:36 – deciding to give up trying to remember how to spell diarreah

11:37 – TDX notes that he would take the time to find a way around a cliff, while Bear decides exactly the opposite. I nod in asset at the statement by TDX that “you gotta be kidding me” as Bear crabwalks down the side of the mountain.

11:38 – noted amazement by TDX at the success Bear has at crabwalking down the mountain.

11:38.35 – TDX feels that a broken bone is not significant enough to get you out of the Sierra Nevada mountains.

11:39 – I am presently forcing TDX and DGD to watch commercials (during a pre-recorded DVR show), waiting to see how long it will take them to get pissed and yell at me.

11:40 – DGD taps his fingers and stares at me in annoyance.

11:41 – …bam… – I just lost a buck…to myself…

11:42 – TDX states that my delay in fast forwarding is only acceptable if I am live blogging a live blog. The jig is up. I have been caught. My amusement wanes…

11:44 – DGD has a brilliant suggestion for a new show – having a camera crew follow someone doing the same thing Bear does…not so sweet…but having the guy watch Man v. Wild and have him try to copy what Bear does…much sweeter

11:45 – I admit that I would do that show. Sans climbing perhaps…

11:46 – TDX is upset at how slow the river is moving. The rapids increase, he is still incredulous about the stability and durability of the raft.
11:48 – TDX calls shenanigans on the danger of the river. Well not really shenanigans, he merely said it was fake danger. I call shenanigans on his call of fake danger. Which aren’t really shenanigans. …wee shenanigans…

11:52 - I discuss my plans to record a video birthday message. TDX suggests doing it in front of “Planet Sunrise”, which may trump my fireside chat or golden popcorn acceptance speech ideas.

11:53 – TDX asks if Bear ever started a fire with shit in Africa. What else are you starting a fire with in Afrcia? Dust? Elephant Tusks?

11:54 – I’ve delayed my commercial fast forwarding. I am going to stare them down until they tell me to change it. Over under, 40 seconds. I take the over. Damn. I just lost another buck…to myself…

11:56 – Commercial break over. TDX has admitted to slacking at live blogging. Yeah, he sucks.

11:56 – Wild Horses. Much laughter ensues.

11:57 – apparently we’re watching the Indian technique at taming wild horses. Bear is not politically correct. Unless he’s talking about the middle of the road baseball franchise located in Cleveland, and was the subject of the Charlie Sheen, Tom Beringer movie series “Major League”. TDX is hoping he really does ride this horse for the rest of the episode. Claims that we have “been deprived of something truly wonderful as seeing Bear on horseback”.

12:00 - My suspicion is that TDX wants to ride Bear. Would it be correct to give that the moniker, “bearback”?

12:00 – taking a pee break.

12:03 – DGD asks if the drug companies are giving impotency a fancy name, like ED. Damn these commercials.

12:07 – Bear just killed a rabbit with a “throwing stick”. The unintentional comedy is difficult to understand without seeing it first hand.

12:14 – TDX asserts as fact that you should never eat a spider if you are lost in the wild. Apparently the nutritional value is not worth the sheer awfulness of having to EAT A FUCKING SPIDER.

12:19 – TDX notes that this episode has just been an excuse for Bear to take his pants off. Cardinal rule, you NEVER go out once the pants are off. If you’re out and pants come off, its probably a good night…or you crapped your pants...then it's a bad night.

12:20 – Episode over. Goodnight.