Federal Dogs: Man's Best Friend

Wow, so here it is, an entire week that I took off from my neckbreaking pace of roughly two posts a week. I kind of am struck with an extreme case of writer's block (see that, I just elevated myself to the level of writer, as if the use of words is the equivalent of writing). Maybe it's the start of what definitely looks to be a piece of shit MNF that's causing my mind to go blank. Maybe it's that Walt "Clyde" Frazier just gave a mind numbing explanation as to why he came to be called "Clyde" during halftime, replete with third-person references to "Clyde" as if it was an alter ego. In case you're curious, "Clyde" is from midnight to four and dressed like he ought to be paired with Bonnie.

I'm basically just left with coming up with an article patched together from whatever tabs I have open in my browser. One of them is my miserable fantasy football team. I'm not gonna be that douche and actually complain that Tom "How Dare you Think Matt Leinart is More Handsome than Me" Brady dared to give me less than 50 points this week. Another of the tabs is This Day in History in Wikipedia. I was giving Uncle Ralph (roommate) a hand with his job coming up with songs for every day next month that radio stations could use. Here's a few good ones for Dec. 1: Jared Fogle, TW's coworker was born in 1977, Johannes Brahms presents his Ein deutsches Requiem in 1867, and Matthew Shephard of dragged by a truck in Texas fame was born in 1976.

I'm left with a random article from the Montgomery Advertiser (wow, sweet name Alabama paper) about Auburn DB Jerraud Powers getting bit by a dog...during Saturday's Iron Bowl. The south is amazing sometimes. There's probably not a worse place to have a bunch of dogs. A ridiculously loud crowd, people running all over the place, a ball being thrown around....and the State Troopers still think it's a good idea to keep German Shepherds in the end zone during an Alabama/Auburn game. Wait, here's the quote from Powers, it's fantastic: “I saw blood coming out of my glove. I started panicking,” Powers said. ” I was looking toward the sidelines and I was screaming, ‘The dog bit me,’ the next three plays. When I went into the training room I was like: Do I need a rabies shot? Then I thought about it and it is a federal dog. I’m sure he’s the cleanest dog in America. I’ll be sure to wash it out real good.”

I don't know why I even tried to fight basing this post about anything other than Auburn. Tommy Tuberville punched Nick Saban square in the asshole as his introduction to the rivalry. Ever the classy guy, he made sure to hold up six fingers to the crowd to remind everyone that yes, that is six in a row over Alabama (Couldn't find a picture of him doing it, but the similarities are startling). OK, I'm done talking about Auburn. Any more and I'm gonna sound like DGD and the Pats, who almost lost to the vile piece of shit Eagles yesterday (of beautiful I'd-rather-lick-Patrick-Ewing's-Sweaty-Armpits-than-visit-Philadelphia fame). The video of Powers getting bit by the dog is below.

Follow-Up: Fact...Francis Bacon

We here at AoF don't hide our love for all things internets, especially the Wikipedia. Wikipedia, like all other incredibly powerful tools of information, is often used for good. Unfortunately, it can also be used for evil. My personal use for it is killing time, as well as using it as the sole source of information for pretty much all of my scholastic pursuits. It's gotten to the point where I will only incorporate into my assignments those concepts that have their own Wikipedia page. We're talking the full range of things here. I only cite to cases that have their own Wikipedia page, which is not an easy thing to pull off. The only exception to that rule is if I can find an article that already summarized the case for me, thereby eliminating my workload completely.

(Which brings me to my next point...Dont' Smoke Crack)

This brings me to the original point of this post. It's the answer you've all been waiting days for. I found out what Sir Francis Bacon was famous for. Actually, to be precise, I didn't find what Francis Bacon was famous for. Walt "Clyde" Frazier discovered it.

Francis Bacon has been known throughout history for his "Swishin' and Dishin'", "Slicin' and Dicin'", "Musclin' and Hustlin'", and his "Fire and Desire". Though of a "diminutive" size, he was off to a "prodigious start" when he invented the Scientific Method. The rest of the scientific community could "ill-afford" to underestimate him as he slashed through the emprical data in a "dauntless" fashion. In sum, his "omnipotence" was "omnipresent". (All quotes taken from Knicks game broadcasts, it is uncertain why Walt "Clyde" spoke of Sir Francis Bacon so often).

He's a Bacon, they're all a bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists anyway.

(Credits to GB for the excellent photoshopping.)