Another Reason To Hate The French (If You Needed One)

Besides being smug racist elitists, there is another reason to hate the French: Mimes. Yeah, this French dick is the reason you are accosted by these douches on city streets while trying to mind your own business. Douche-baggins over there revived the "art" of miming (and buttsex) from the Romans. Sadly (read: who gives a shit) "mime legend" Marcel Marceau died this weekend at age 84. It bothers me that this was filed under celebrity news. Mimes are celebrities? What's next? No talent assclowns living pathetic pampered lives being treated as celebrities? I think this picture speaks for itself when it comes to mimes and your children. That's right, mimes will do an Eiffel Tower (see 2 & 3) over your children with Michael Jackson. Fact. Why is his hat placed there? Let's just say he probably doesn't need to hold it in place with his hand. Apparently Michael Jackson got his famous moonwalk from this guy; as well as his infamous children's game, "tickle my pickle."


I think the Prime Minister's reaction to his passing sums up France in a nutshell: "France loses one of its most eminent ambassadors." Yeah, you read that right, the French use Mimes as ambassadors. Assholes. I can picture a meeting between President Bush and a Mime, it starts with Dubs being confused and ends with Cheney standing over a dead mime, shotgun smoking. It all makes sense now though. Why have the French have failed in every major military engagement they have been involved in? Because instead of using guns they had mimes pretending to shoot them. Although I wonder if they have received their due credit in France's military publications. Even a brief Google search will show all of France's mime military victories.


Now you can say what you want about race in America, but at least the majority of our population doesn't wear it on their sleeve like the French. I promised myself no tangents, crap. Anyway, I'm not the only one to feel this way about mimes. In fact, studies (read: random websites) suggest that mimes may not even be human. Indeed, perhaps aliens should be pissed off that they have gotten the reputation for anal probes from mimes. If you care about your children's anal virginity, join la resistance, before it's too late.

Your Teams Still Suck

Let's get this out of the way: The Patriots broke a league rule, they deserve to be punished. Fact. No way around it. Secondly, am I compelled to write this because its my team? Absolutely. Let's now get to the deeper issue, illustrated by this quote from a coach who has won multiple Super Bowls:

With any luck, we have their defensive signals figured out by halftime.
Sometimes, by the end of the first quarter.

Bill Belichick? No. Mike Shanahan. Wait you may say, that quote refers to lip reading not videotaping. Splitting hairs my friends. Which leads me to my point: The reaction to "Spygate" is completely overblown. First, only the Colts, Yankees, Red Sox, or Spurs would elicit this type of response from the masses. Why? Because they are the teams people love to hate, because they smoke your shitty second rate teams every single year. I'm included in this, if that was the Yankees or Colts I'd be piling right on, but in the back of my head, I'd know I was being ridiculous (but definitely not caring one bit and then f'ing with the people who try to make you rationalize this premeditated ridiculousness). Yet a large majority of the population has decided to smugly (I'm looking at you Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti) sit upon their French Faux thrones and cast doubt upon the legitimacy of the league wide ass kicking the Patriots have administered throughout the past 6 years.

Seriously, once the Patriots get what they deserve from the league, let's move on from this. Yes I'm talking to you. You being anyone who has ever cheated on a test in school, you who has ever snuck a look at an unsuspecting friend's hand in poker, you who pulled a Belichick and snuck a look at your friend's Madden playbook, and especially you whose NFL team does the same thing or tries to gain and edge in some way. If any of those apply to you, hand in your diploma, you cheated your way through school; give back anything you've ever won from a poker game, you won every game by sneaking a peak; and admit you suck at Madden because clearly that's the only reason you were ever successful. The reaction is absurdly overblown. Fact. (these links can also be found in the Sports Guy's recent article).

Here's another fact:

"the Jets don't seem to be using it as an excuse for having their hats handed to
them on Sunday. I don't think the Jets have a signal, after all, for 'let Ellis
Hobbs run a kickoff back 108 yards.'"

Real quick, the tape was confiscated in the first quarter of the game, so it couldn't have been used. Plus your own team doesn't seem to think it's an issue. Any Jets fans hoping for a cheap win by forfeit can chew on that for a minute, and then go back to dreaming of Chad's laser rocket arm.


For all you sanctimonious NY fans let's not forget, Mangini is coach of your B team and Belichick is the reason your A team beat the Bills in the early 90's. You think this type of thing dawned on him only when he came to the Pats? Also, If this was such a huge advantage why aren't the Pats undefeated in the last 6 years? Because it's merely a strategical advantage, that's it, nothing more, you still have to perform and execute. Again, lest the feeble minded lose sight of my argument and begin spewing from your French Faux thrones: it's wrong, period, but the reaction is overblown. Put it this way, it would be like France having the coordinates of Hitler's army. In the end France sucks and they would have been demolished anyway. It's like Major Sobel trying to find his way out of a wet paper bag.





The Patriots will get what they deserve for breaking a rule. Good natured ball breaking is expected and can and should absolutely be tolerated by all Patriots fans, because you know you'd be doing it too. Anyone still legitimately bitching about it after the fact is merely whining and looking for an excuse for why the Patriots smoked your shitty team this year. Actually I take that back, keep bitching and saying that they aren't legit, just remember what they did with relatively no motivation, and then think about what they'll do to prove themselves. Put it on the board. Championship.