Fact: AoF Editors Think Alike and You Can Have Too Much of a Good Thing

As an introductory note I was sitting at home today reading the Sports Guy's NFL picks and couldn't help but wonder why in the hell the liked Friday Night Lights so much. I then decided to express my bewilderment to our loyal readers. When I signed in I was pleasantly surprised to see that one of our editors consumed a small amount of speed and ripped off three posts (a new record for you keeping score at home). However, I also found out that The Whip had commented on this very subject. Taken aback, I decided to ponder my other options but decided he was right, someone needs to take on the mighty Simmons here and Dougie is the man for the job.

I'll admit it, I was the editor that gave this show a shot and defended it to its detractors, blindly assuming it would be as good as the movie (which was sweet). Wait, how am I qualified to comment on such a movie you may ask. Well, I am a football movie connoisseur. If given a movie to pass out to after a night of drinking, I'd take The Program over Terminator or any number of Jenna Jameson productions.

The football movie is tough because there are only so many angles you can take. The Longest Yard (the original, not the gayed up remake), Unnecessary Roughness and Little Giants (yeah that's right) nailed the comedy side. The Program, Friday Night Lights, and Varsity Blues nailed the harsh reality behind the game. Brian's Song, Rudy and Remember the Titans nailed the dramatic/underdog/inspiring aspect of the sport. Any Given Sunday is on the level of these, probably in the top three, taking the story lines of most professional football teams and weaving them into one of the best football movies ever made. Here's a fact, anyone who didn't enjoy any one of the above movies doesn't know football from their asshole (ok so Little Giants may be a bit out of place, but f u anyway). Plus, The Program has the single best scene in film history:




The thing about the class of The Program, Friday Night Lights and Varsity Blues (as well as the story lines in AGS of The Shark (aptly played LT) and Cap Rooney) movies is that they capture the essence of the game and the underbelly that no one wants to think about. To truly appreciate it you need to have been around the game and understand how it can consume one's life to that degree. There's the love of the game and there's the ego that sometimes consumes that love (although I'd argue that the love of the game is intertwined or lies in the subconscious of the out of control ego). Anyway, to wrap this up, Friday Night Lights captures the harsh reality of football in the South and the attempts of the kids who play the game to deal with celebrity at 16, 17, 18 and not lose the love of the game. Football in the south is taken as seriously as a college program and winning is the bottom line, losing is utterly unacceptable.
Dems da facts. In Varsity Blues the movie we see the love of the game and the essence of team win out over an out of control ego (Jon Voight) and it reminds us of the existence of this underlying love (which I think is what Voight is reflecting on when he's in his office alone staring at his trophies after Dawson takes his team away from him).

To be fair Bill Simmons is correct in saying FNL is the best sports TV series ever made. Also to be fair, that title is like winning a gold medal at the special Olympics. Also, has he ever heard of Coach? What more could be done with this? I gave FNL the show a chance because I loved the movie. It turned out to be a knock off of the movie with a few plot twists. The first few episodes, all good, I was feeling it, but then after a few more I could tell what was coming at every point. I'm not talking major points, I'm talking every single thing that happened I could tell it was coming, the show was predictable. It would be one thing if it was predictable and something not seen before, but it was FNL the movie with crappier acting. Simmons is correct in saying that it is extremely realistic, but he ignores the fact that it's completely predictable if you've seen any of the above mentioned movies. He also cites it is award winning, but hell SportsNight won awards too, and that show sucked ass.

Bottom line: FNL the series proves that you can indeed have too much of a good thing. Some things give you just enough and don't need to be expanded upon and that is the fault of this show. Maybe I expected too much from it, like Hot Fuzz on the tail of Shaun of the Dead, and don't get me wrong, I still enjoy an episode here and there because I do enjoy football and the reality that comes with it. However, I wouldn't be saddened to see it go because I could go out and rent The Program and be happy with my life.

Would it Be Fair to Say?: Television Facilitates Dooking

When one has as active a lifestyle as I do, one tends to search far and wide for every way possible of maximizing the efficiency of everyday actions. For example, I manage to shave while doing my daily bear wrestling. Also, I can cook three eggs, sunny side up, while finding the cure for both cancer and erectile disfunction simultaneously. Sure these are important things that benefit humanity, but anyone can do just one thing at a time. I'm pretty sure history will look back at me favorably, probably in the form of enormous statues being erected in places like the White House lawn and St. Peter's Square. Also, those statues ought to show me in real scenes from my life, like when I surfed on the back of a great white shark from Newport News, VA to Sao Paolo, which, as we all know, led to the end of the Cold War.

The ultimate time saver would be, without a doubt, the television in the bathroom. Sure, one might say that the newspaper ought to be sufficient. Besides, if you're in there that long then something's probably wrong with you. To that I have only to say, you're probably a chick if you seriously thought that. All guys deep down, or maybe not so secretly, desperately covet a TV in the bathroom. Let's just say that I make sure my internal clock, so to speak, has to get synced up in time for football season, because sometimes the commercial break just isn't enough.

To those gentlemen of leisure that are on the same page with me, I unveil the Bathroom Television. (Among those names that have been suggested for this incredible invention is the PooTube, Shittervision, and NumberTwolevision). Shockingly, this is sold in several places, notably overseas, which amazes me, since this just sounds incredibly American. One can be purchased here or here. The best, though, is this commercial from Fox Sports en Espanol. (Fox!). Just amazing. (For full disclosure's sake, the master bedroom at the AoF Cave, which is not mine, has an attached bathroom with TV within eyesight, but once The Whip's girlfriend moved in it just didn't seem a good idea to watch TV from his toilet anymore.)

The Hoff and State of the Television Address

I've really got no explanation for myself. I'm reclining, laptop in lap, lamenting at the state of TV when tremendous shows like It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia are relegated to FX, rarely being aired and shows like "The Singing Bee" and "America's Got Talent" end up on primetime. What does this mean? Well either that America's full of retards who love this crap and fail to appreciate solidly entertaining television, or the brains behind the networks are chugging away at such a furious pace that they pass on shows that are far more deserving than "American Idol".

I never really had the opportunity to fully express my disdain for American Idol. It's shows like that, where a good portion of America gets their jollies from watching overprivileged, happened to be in the right place at the right time (or used to be the bassist for Journey) people put down people who are just trying to make it. Now I'm all about this being a cruel, unforgiving world, but is it really necessary to glorify it? Shows like American Idol and the Apprentice not only makes it entertaining for people to watch a guy who can't keep his toupee on straight put people down, but make it ok for other people to do it. Oh and fuck Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie and...everyone related to the production and airing of the Simple Life. What a bunch of bullshit that show is. And all of MTV.

But back to the whole point of this rant. How did the Hoff do it? After Knight Rider and Baywatch, America had figured he'd peaked. I mean, where else can you go from running in slow motion on a beach? The answer is obviously being a pop music artist in Germany. What did they see in him? I lieu of actually posting the pictures on AoF, I'll link you to a fine collection of them. Apologies for that.

...and for this too...

Anyway, he's presently a "judge" (and I use the word judge extremely loosely) on America's Got Talent, a hyperbole laden clusterfuck of feel goodyness where everyone's got talent, but no one's willing to tell you exactly how much you suck. I'll tell you what, if the guy who can do pogo stick freestyle "tricks" doesn't suck and "isn't a good fit for the show", and most of the finalists are singers, then it sounds a hell of a lot like we've got another American Idol to rot our brains.

Hey you know what show isn't afraid of yanking you off stage when you make a fantastic embarrassment of yourself? A Night at the Apollo. At least there's a talent show I can respect. If you're a kid, they applaud you no matter what. If you've got skills the crowd cheers the shit out of you. If you suck not only does the clown come out and make you look dumb, you get booed and possibly capped on your way out of the parking lot.

You know what, here's a shout out to David Hasselhoff. You starred in a couple of shows that epitomized America and/or American culture of the early 90's. Then you realized that American culture is fucked and booked it to Germany....and fucking rocked it. I'm personally not a fan, and I'd entered this with the intention of ripping on your, but you know what you did a hell of a job. So I'm giving you two fingers up. Congratulations

But Hoff, you're a part of it now and are as much to blame. In conclusion, I implore you, America. Stop encouraging the creation of mindless retarded television. I can only hope that people realize the reality television is not reality, but made up of "reality TV actors" (i.e. those just not attractive and/or not talented enough to cut it on real TV). With that, I bid you good day.