Chupacabra Sighting....End of World Near

For what it's worth, I was really hoping to be the author of "Post #100". Instead, some insufferable Massachusettsian squandered it. I'm just glad that at least TW acknowledged as much and gave #101 a worthwhile topic, namely monkeys. This is my penalty for untimeliness in posting. It's really quite a shame, though, since today's post is about possibly the greatest threat known to (hispanic) man.....The Chupacabra. It flies so under the radar that even we have only dedicated one post to the chupacabra threat. And that post wasn't even addressing the threat directly. It only reviewed possibly the worst movie ever made, starring Treach, though starring is a slightly misleading word to use.

About a month ago, loyal reader (probably an exaggeration, I check google analytics pretty frequently and I haven't seen Woodbury, CT up on the list anytime recently) and all around Mook tipped AoF to potential photographic evidence of the dreaded Chupacabra. Those pictures to the right are supposedly proof of the existence of the bloodsucking fiend. Luckily, The Mook made sure to give absolutely no link in the e-mail to any sort of website where I could actually investigate these pictures. I'm left with some text that it looks like he cut and pasted out of the original. Basically, this allows me to do what I do best: take barely substantiated rumors and lend them an air of credibility so as to cause others to pass it off down the line as fact.

Here's what the text in the e-mail said: "Suspected Chupacabra chasing a deer! Thomas writes, 'I have been visiting your website for a while now and I think that ghosts do exist. Anyway I was searching out one of my favorites paranormal websites and I saw an article about a monster caught on film. It seems to be chasing a deer. This website is all in Spanish, so if you can read Spanish you can check it out. They think that it is a Chupacabra, but it also seems like a demon. Anyway, check out the picture and tell me what do you think.'"

A. I'd like to see the original website. Of course it's in Spanish. Chupacabra doesn't speak English. That and he's almost entirely a Latin American legend. I say almost because, as aforementioned, Chupacabra the Movie starred Treach, and I'm pretty sure that "OPP" was mostly in English. B. Venison is delicious. Chupacabra has a taste for delicacies. C. The Mook made a good point in the original e-mail. It could be the Jersey Devil. I tend to agree. The wings are a dead giveaway. As any serious student of the paranormal is aware of, the Jersey Devil is a winged-fiend with a piercing humanlike screech, the Chupacabra just drains the blood of farm animals and moves quickly, though doesn't fly. They might be related, though. The Jersey Devil might've been a relative of the Chupacabra, originating in Latin America, but banished from the realm for an unspeakable act. It's very possible that what Jerseyites thought was just an unintelligible humanlike screech was actually something in Spanish, like when I watch old movies from the times when you could be extremely racist towards Mexicans and they would fire guns in the air while screaming "AIAIAIAIAI!" Only the Jersey Devil doesn't believe in the 2nd Amendment (nor America for that matter) and refuses to arm himself.

Would it be fair to say?: Movie Review: El Chupacabra

It's movie review time here around AoF. Every so often we will attempt to keep you, the general public, up to date on the Must See Movies of our generation. Today's entry: El Chupacabra.

First off, I could simply end this review with one name: Treach. That's right, Anthony "Treach" Criss headlines this star-studded cast. His performance leaves one thing most certainly clear: He's a multi-dimensioned showman of a level far above his mere "'Cuz I'm Naughty by Nature, Not 'Cuz I Hate 'Ya" days.

This movie sets out to answer the most salient questions of the day, namely that of the nature of the Chupacabra. El Chupacabra is of course the famed demonly creature that exists in Latin America and feasts upon the blood of livestock and leaves carcasses in its wake. It's name is a direct translation of "Goat Sucker", which sounds like quite an enviable profession.

The movie starts out in the most logical of fashions. There is a creature on the loose that is sucking neighborhood dogs dry. Logically, an animal control officer teams up with a scientist in order to figure out what the creature is before more dogs and other pets befall the same bloody fate.

Along the way, the duo encounter numerous pitfalls and snares, not the least of which is the diabolical Dr. Treach (I'm not going to bother to look up what the name of his character was, it was fucking Treach in a lab coat). The movie attempts to answer the universal question of true meaning that puzzle us all: Is El Chupacabra descended from aliens eons ago and is really the missing link that humanity descended from? I'm not kidding, by the way, in that this movie really throws that twist in there. They claim that the existence of El Chupacabra would shake the bedrock of civilization and would ruin all forms of religion because we're all apparently descended from this little furry creature that moves real fast and sucks blood that may or may not be from space.

I'm gonna give this movie two fingers up. One of those fingers is a thumb, because if nothing else, the horrible editing and poor acting definitely kept my attention because you never knew what pathetic piece of film-making might be next. The other finger is a middle finger, since there was not a single tit in this entire film. They had a half dozen huge buzonga-ed chicks in just about every scene. It looked like a low-grade porno in terms of acting and script and there was still no boobs? Deplorable. Worth watching though if you want to see one of the worst movies ever made.