FACT: The Black Widow is the World Champion Taco Eater

Depending on what our exact readership demographic is, (my guess is that both of you also still have Star Wars figurines in the box) my reporting on the following story may be a tad out of date. Aside from probably restraining from insulting our loyal readership base, my goal today is to assert some much needed fact on the world of competitive eating. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure Deadspin already covered what I wanted to get to, but fuck them, my writing today involves actual! reporting. That's right, lets go back in time about a week and a half ago, way back when to the Feast of San Gennaro World Cannoli Eating Championship, held Sept. 14th at the San Gennaro Festival right here in beautiful Chinatown Little Italy.

As it turned out, I wasn't on any sort of real investigative journalism trip. I had just come off a job interview in Brooklyn. To be fair, there was no interviewing, I took off before it even started. There's a job interview tip for all you out there, if you feel like it, just get up and leave. Two months unemployed and counting. If you were to go on unemployment, that would count as looking for work. Just a thought. Anyway, so since I was out anyway I figured I'd check out the festival, eat some overpriced yet delicious food, laugh at my heritage, etc. As I'm walking around I notice out of the corner of my eye some sort of stage and the unmistakeable hat that the guy who does the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Sure enough, I walk over and bam, the World Cannoli Eating Championship was about to start up.

Now, here's the thing, these competitive eaters (athletes really) are really fucking serious about this stuff. They all have entrance music. It's nuts. It's like going to a professional wrestling event, only when these guys take their shirts off you don't instinctively look for a hiding place. For the record, one guy did take his shirt off for no particularly good reason. Thankfully it wasn't this guy. As for the competition, it was disgusting, as you would imagine. If you've ever seen the Nathan contest you know that these events tend to lead to eating a lot of stuff. Kind of an understatement given the nature of the organization running this shit, the International Federal of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). I guess it's the competition that makes them athletes. I'm a professional unemployment athlete.

OK, no more asides. As to the disgustingness, it's just not like the hot dog competition since, well, cannolis tend to be slightly full of creamy filling. These weren't the small cannolis either, they were the legit full size cannolis that you need a nap after when you eat just one. (I've just been informed that my roommate received a cannoli cake for his birthday recently. Didn't know that existed, not sure it should.) These guys were dipping this shit in water too and then just stuffing it down. One guy went with the approach of just forcing them into his mouth, which would make them fall apart, which led to him basically just scooping up piles of cream. My description isn't even doing it justice. Unfortunately, the world record of 26 in six minutes didn't fall, but Eater X won it with 21 eaten. Yes, a grown man who eats for a living with face paint on. There's a reason the IFOCE isn't giving away Win a Day With ____ prizes.