Let's Hear it for the Internet

I have recently been advised that there has been little to no posting on AoF for the past couple weeks. This is of course, notwithstanding, two excellent posts bringing to national attention two of the biggest issues confronting our society, namely lethal cleaning robots and the invidious government efforts at concealing the true numbers of fallen monkeys in tree swinging/poo flinging.

One, I swear that goddamn Roomba was sent from the future for more than just to keep our floors spotless. It will turn out to be a godless kiling machine, like bears, which coincidentally there was one roaming in our neighborhood the other day. Frankly, I think the only natural course of action on our part should be to eat some peyote and swing from a rope wearing a bear costume. Why would a bear use a robe swing you ask? Perhaps I have my reasons, which I choose to keep close to my vest at this time.

Second, I disagree with the original estimates of 1,000 fallen monkeys per annum (fancy word for year, huh?). I think that's easily the number in Uganda alone. Uganda is like monkey paradise according to Planet Earth. It looked like the Garden of Eden, only if the Garden of Eden was filled to the brim with warring monkey tribes hell-bent on cannibalizing each other and raping each other's monkey women. Before that episode, I had no idea that monkeys were such assholes. Wait, yes I did.

At this point in what is turning out to be an ever-lengthening, rambling, incoherent mess of a post, I suppose you might be wondering to yourself, "Hey, why is there a Gaydar scale to the right up there. That's kind of a random thing to just throw out there without any explanation. Hmm, now that it's there, I might as well take a look. I wonder where I rank on it." Bam, you know how I know you're gay? Because in my hypothetical scenario of your inner thoughts, you just ranked "Out", signifying confirmed gayness, merely for looking at what appears to be a much more useful version of the Terror Alert scale that Homeland Security uses.

OK, nothing in that above paragraph aided even slightly in explaining the inclusion of the Gaydar. Basically, I just wanted to use it as a vivid example of just how amazing the Internet is. Consider me the Internet Ombudsman, critiquing the strengths and shortcomings of the ol' dubya,dubya,dubya. I happened upon the chart while carrying out my routine "barely legal hot pole vault photos" google search. The picture to the right is of some chick in high school who happens to be a nationally ranked pole vaulter. Lets just insert the generic pole vault joke here and move on. I'm not gonna bother with the details, they're better handled by With Leather and Deadspin. In conclusion, God Bless America and fuck China, because until they're permitted by their government to spend otherwise productive hours ogling pictures of hitherto unknown 18 year olds with perfect bodies they'll never catch up to us. I don't care what "24" might have you think to the contrary.