FACT: The Black Widow is the World Champion Taco Eater

Depending on what our exact readership demographic is, (my guess is that both of you also still have Star Wars figurines in the box) my reporting on the following story may be a tad out of date. Aside from probably restraining from insulting our loyal readership base, my goal today is to assert some much needed fact on the world of competitive eating. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure Deadspin already covered what I wanted to get to, but fuck them, my writing today involves actual! reporting. That's right, lets go back in time about a week and a half ago, way back when to the Feast of San Gennaro World Cannoli Eating Championship, held Sept. 14th at the San Gennaro Festival right here in beautiful Chinatown Little Italy.

As it turned out, I wasn't on any sort of real investigative journalism trip. I had just come off a job interview in Brooklyn. To be fair, there was no interviewing, I took off before it even started. There's a job interview tip for all you out there, if you feel like it, just get up and leave. Two months unemployed and counting. If you were to go on unemployment, that would count as looking for work. Just a thought. Anyway, so since I was out anyway I figured I'd check out the festival, eat some overpriced yet delicious food, laugh at my heritage, etc. As I'm walking around I notice out of the corner of my eye some sort of stage and the unmistakeable hat that the guy who does the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Sure enough, I walk over and bam, the World Cannoli Eating Championship was about to start up.

Now, here's the thing, these competitive eaters (athletes really) are really fucking serious about this stuff. They all have entrance music. It's nuts. It's like going to a professional wrestling event, only when these guys take their shirts off you don't instinctively look for a hiding place. For the record, one guy did take his shirt off for no particularly good reason. Thankfully it wasn't this guy. As for the competition, it was disgusting, as you would imagine. If you've ever seen the Nathan contest you know that these events tend to lead to eating a lot of stuff. Kind of an understatement given the nature of the organization running this shit, the International Federal of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). I guess it's the competition that makes them athletes. I'm a professional unemployment athlete.

OK, no more asides. As to the disgustingness, it's just not like the hot dog competition since, well, cannolis tend to be slightly full of creamy filling. These weren't the small cannolis either, they were the legit full size cannolis that you need a nap after when you eat just one. (I've just been informed that my roommate received a cannoli cake for his birthday recently. Didn't know that existed, not sure it should.) These guys were dipping this shit in water too and then just stuffing it down. One guy went with the approach of just forcing them into his mouth, which would make them fall apart, which led to him basically just scooping up piles of cream. My description isn't even doing it justice. Unfortunately, the world record of 26 in six minutes didn't fall, but Eater X won it with 21 eaten. Yes, a grown man who eats for a living with face paint on. There's a reason the IFOCE isn't giving away Win a Day With ____ prizes.

Another Reason To Hate The French (If You Needed One)

Besides being smug racist elitists, there is another reason to hate the French: Mimes. Yeah, this French dick is the reason you are accosted by these douches on city streets while trying to mind your own business. Douche-baggins over there revived the "art" of miming (and buttsex) from the Romans. Sadly (read: who gives a shit) "mime legend" Marcel Marceau died this weekend at age 84. It bothers me that this was filed under celebrity news. Mimes are celebrities? What's next? No talent assclowns living pathetic pampered lives being treated as celebrities? I think this picture speaks for itself when it comes to mimes and your children. That's right, mimes will do an Eiffel Tower (see 2 & 3) over your children with Michael Jackson. Fact. Why is his hat placed there? Let's just say he probably doesn't need to hold it in place with his hand. Apparently Michael Jackson got his famous moonwalk from this guy; as well as his infamous children's game, "tickle my pickle."


I think the Prime Minister's reaction to his passing sums up France in a nutshell: "France loses one of its most eminent ambassadors." Yeah, you read that right, the French use Mimes as ambassadors. Assholes. I can picture a meeting between President Bush and a Mime, it starts with Dubs being confused and ends with Cheney standing over a dead mime, shotgun smoking. It all makes sense now though. Why have the French have failed in every major military engagement they have been involved in? Because instead of using guns they had mimes pretending to shoot them. Although I wonder if they have received their due credit in France's military publications. Even a brief Google search will show all of France's mime military victories.


Now you can say what you want about race in America, but at least the majority of our population doesn't wear it on their sleeve like the French. I promised myself no tangents, crap. Anyway, I'm not the only one to feel this way about mimes. In fact, studies (read: random websites) suggest that mimes may not even be human. Indeed, perhaps aliens should be pissed off that they have gotten the reputation for anal probes from mimes. If you care about your children's anal virginity, join la resistance, before it's too late.

Fact: AoF Editors Think Alike and You Can Have Too Much of a Good Thing

As an introductory note I was sitting at home today reading the Sports Guy's NFL picks and couldn't help but wonder why in the hell the liked Friday Night Lights so much. I then decided to express my bewilderment to our loyal readers. When I signed in I was pleasantly surprised to see that one of our editors consumed a small amount of speed and ripped off three posts (a new record for you keeping score at home). However, I also found out that The Whip had commented on this very subject. Taken aback, I decided to ponder my other options but decided he was right, someone needs to take on the mighty Simmons here and Dougie is the man for the job.

I'll admit it, I was the editor that gave this show a shot and defended it to its detractors, blindly assuming it would be as good as the movie (which was sweet). Wait, how am I qualified to comment on such a movie you may ask. Well, I am a football movie connoisseur. If given a movie to pass out to after a night of drinking, I'd take The Program over Terminator or any number of Jenna Jameson productions.

The football movie is tough because there are only so many angles you can take. The Longest Yard (the original, not the gayed up remake), Unnecessary Roughness and Little Giants (yeah that's right) nailed the comedy side. The Program, Friday Night Lights, and Varsity Blues nailed the harsh reality behind the game. Brian's Song, Rudy and Remember the Titans nailed the dramatic/underdog/inspiring aspect of the sport. Any Given Sunday is on the level of these, probably in the top three, taking the story lines of most professional football teams and weaving them into one of the best football movies ever made. Here's a fact, anyone who didn't enjoy any one of the above movies doesn't know football from their asshole (ok so Little Giants may be a bit out of place, but f u anyway). Plus, The Program has the single best scene in film history:




The thing about the class of The Program, Friday Night Lights and Varsity Blues (as well as the story lines in AGS of The Shark (aptly played LT) and Cap Rooney) movies is that they capture the essence of the game and the underbelly that no one wants to think about. To truly appreciate it you need to have been around the game and understand how it can consume one's life to that degree. There's the love of the game and there's the ego that sometimes consumes that love (although I'd argue that the love of the game is intertwined or lies in the subconscious of the out of control ego). Anyway, to wrap this up, Friday Night Lights captures the harsh reality of football in the South and the attempts of the kids who play the game to deal with celebrity at 16, 17, 18 and not lose the love of the game. Football in the south is taken as seriously as a college program and winning is the bottom line, losing is utterly unacceptable.
Dems da facts. In Varsity Blues the movie we see the love of the game and the essence of team win out over an out of control ego (Jon Voight) and it reminds us of the existence of this underlying love (which I think is what Voight is reflecting on when he's in his office alone staring at his trophies after Dawson takes his team away from him).

To be fair Bill Simmons is correct in saying FNL is the best sports TV series ever made. Also to be fair, that title is like winning a gold medal at the special Olympics. Also, has he ever heard of Coach? What more could be done with this? I gave FNL the show a chance because I loved the movie. It turned out to be a knock off of the movie with a few plot twists. The first few episodes, all good, I was feeling it, but then after a few more I could tell what was coming at every point. I'm not talking major points, I'm talking every single thing that happened I could tell it was coming, the show was predictable. It would be one thing if it was predictable and something not seen before, but it was FNL the movie with crappier acting. Simmons is correct in saying that it is extremely realistic, but he ignores the fact that it's completely predictable if you've seen any of the above mentioned movies. He also cites it is award winning, but hell SportsNight won awards too, and that show sucked ass.

Bottom line: FNL the series proves that you can indeed have too much of a good thing. Some things give you just enough and don't need to be expanded upon and that is the fault of this show. Maybe I expected too much from it, like Hot Fuzz on the tail of Shaun of the Dead, and don't get me wrong, I still enjoy an episode here and there because I do enjoy football and the reality that comes with it. However, I wouldn't be saddened to see it go because I could go out and rent The Program and be happy with my life.

Fact: This time, the Big E Really Hates Rap

For those of you, like me, who are unfamiliar with the nuances of the New England states, the Big E is not a slang term for a designer drug or another way of spelling the name of a dead east-coast rapper.

In fact, they might be offended if you tried to compare them with a rapper. The Big E (as I understand it) is a large fair, featuring food, drink, carnival, livestock, and a main stage of performing acts. People from across the land come to enjoy this event, which lasts much longer than it rightfully should (probably a month?).

Why then does the Big E hate rap? Well, if you'd dutifully clicked on the above link like a good reader should, you'd notice the lineup of acts. Brooke Hogan, Taylor, Daughtry, Joan Jett, Trace Adkins, Montgomery Gentry and Josh Turner. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I know who all of these people are. I've been told that a few are country singers and the rest are "no talent ass clowns." Wait, now I'm being told that they're all ass-clowns.

You might notice that inconspicuously (or not so much) in BRIGHT YELLOW is a box. In that box they announce the cancellation of the Ludacris concert. Yes, there are all sorts of arguments, like "well maybe the demographic just isn't Luda fans." or "Luda musta told too many bitches to move or get out the way." or "We don't like shaking our money-makers." or "He ain't got Ho's in THIS area code."
I could go on for days. That was surprisingly enjoyable.

Anyway, the good folks at The Big E didn't have to write "Ludacris has been cancelled due to poor ticket sales." Hey, that may be the truth, and perhaps it points to Luda's waning popularity or the musical taste of a geographic region. But show a little respect. There's no need to publicly knock him. That yellow box might as well have said, "Ludacris sucks - show is off". At least then he'd be able to "rollout" with some dignity.

A Microcosm of America

As noted yesterday by The Esteemed Whip, there has been the complete opposite of a flurry of activity here on AOF. I don't know what TW or DGD's excuse for the absence of posting has been, but I'm sure it's legitimate (read: lazy motherfuckers). As alluded to by TW, AOF is indeed expanding it's global footprint, and I am now broadcasting out of Brooklyn. I miss the AOF cave, though not the greater New Haven area. As for motivations for my move, it was probably to find the girl that LL was talking about that was raised out in Brooklyn. Regardless of the why, the how caused some disruptions in posting ability, mainly that I didn't have a computer until this morning. So now we're off, and in the spirit of TW's previous post, here's some random roundup items:

1. I've always said that nothing good can be found in Rockland County, NY. Now we have hard, cold facts that Rockland County is populated by degenerates, and, more importantly, has frightening approaches to their China Buffets. A China Buffet (I'm not gonna bother to look up the real name of the place in the article, they're all the same, aren't they?) was caught by the Health Inspector preparing food in an ever so slightly unsanitary fashion. Namely, by stomping garlic, with shoes on. Genius in it's laziness, yes, but come on, that just doesn't fly here in the Western Hemisphere.

2. Craigslist is simply the last frontier of humanity. It honestly never ceases to amaze me. It's kind of like one of those movies where everything is still set in the current day, or even the future, where everyone has that kind of "live free or die" attitude, but in reality, it's not peaceful or even reasonable, but mostly full of the hard-core bondage lifestyle. I'm thinking something along the lines of the subterranean society run by Denis Leary in "Demolition Man". That or the shit in "Escape from LA" (I went with the sequel for no other reason than I've seen it more often. "Escape from NY" would've worked, as well). Anyway, so Craigslist has this whole peace sign nonsense on the exterior, but on the inside it's nothing but casual encounters, like Drama fucking a furry, or crazy shit for sale. This ad says everything, or maybe nothing, about our society. A quick note: I do not endorse the engraving of this on any object, although I'm giving serious thought to purchasing it.

3. Rat traps continue to astound me. Not gonna lie, this is filler because I figured a list only two items long would kind of suck. Irregardless, the whole basic construction of the rat trap, little bit of cheese on a trigger that springs a piece of metal has to have been around for centuries. It's gotta be the least humane way to kill anything. They should just invent a trap with a little tiny fist that just punches the rat in the junk when it tries to take the cheese. It would be the only thing worse. With our modern society, there must be something poisonous we can just leave out, the rat eats it, and just goes off somewhere else to die. I think we crave the sick pleasure of collecting our kills when the trap goes off. Kind of a tradeoff with having fucking RATS in our house, but hey, at least we get to kill them horribly and then bask in the magnificence of our brutality.

Fact: The Big "E" Hates Rap

Just like in the K-Fed Nationwide commercial, life comes at you fast. I forget why people found that to be a controvertial commercial.

(Oh yeah, those poor McDonald's employees. Like they don't know their station in life. Like they should be offended that they've scrapped and clawed to earn the prestigious job of "fry-man". Sure, if you're developmentally (mentally) disabled, then yes, working the fry-a-lator is a big deal. But those people probably aren't the ones who were pissy about the commercial. I'm talking about the REAL McDonald's employees, the ones who EARNED that position. If anything THEY should have been the one's laughing AT K-Fed since he's pretty much un-deserving of anything but a pair of fancy tap shoes yet managed to ruin the worlds former teenage pop-icon. I seriously considered moving AoF to another host since I can't cross out text in this format. Seems like an easy thing to add, yet no love from blogger. I could do clever things like write "whore" before pop-icon and cross it out...that would serve to show you what I'm really thinking, but that I have the good sense to exclude it...)

How do I get into advertising? Nationwide could make a killing if they could only get Britney to make a parody of the same K-Fed commercial. Except instead of working at McDonald's, it can be a series of scenes depicting a slightly overweight Britney giving up on a performance on national television, going out dressed like a common street walker, wearing ridiculous wigs, entering rehab and losing her kids.

Hold up, hold up. I just received word from an anonymous source that this may have already happened. Something about this not being a parody...scribbled on the note I was just handed..."real life"...not funny...some transvestite on the internet is threatening to jump...
Ah well. Much like a frat guy at a John Kerry speech, they're gonna have to Taser me first.



But wait...we don't need Britney for this. Lets just make the commercial with the material already provided us. Insensitive you say? Absolutely. Now how do I get into advertising again?

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN! I started to write with one goal in mind, and ended up on a hell of a tangent. I'll address this in my after lunch-during conference call post. Just know that it involves Ludacris.

Fact: We've got nothing to talk about.

Here we go again. Anxiously waiting for fellow bloggers to step up to the plate but alas, seven days pass and you, loyal reader have been rewarded with nothing. Our sincerest apologies. I can only offer speculative excuses. AoF's global headquarters is undergoing a renovation, as well as the grand opening of our first satellite office. Our expansion from the Northeast to the Mid-Atlantic states is slow and could necessitate the expansion of our staff. It would be a shame to see AoF tank and go the way of Barbaro or http://www.poopics.blogspot.com/ ("it's exactly what you think").

It is utterly shameful that a staff with literally nothing better to do can't muster a few moments to get the creative juices flowing. (Although the new office renovation is looking good, but the receptionist is literally a bitch). There is a plethora of material that could be blogged about. I think we've pretty much beaten the Patriots/Belichick cheating scandal like a dead Barbaro, but how can we ignore O.J.? For those of you familiar with Chris Rock's comedy, I can only say that I was disappointed that it was armed robbery, not another dead white woman showing up at his house. As it turns out, HBO's comedy specials are not as prophetic as the Old Testament. But much like the movie "Phantoms", time will tell.

Let us also not forget about Danny Ferry's new office or Marc Ecko's commendable use of Barry Bonds' 756th home run ball, "Ecko, a fashion desiginer, purchased the baseball for $750,000 and is taking votes on the Internet on what he should do with it: Give the ball to the Baseball Hall of Fame, brand it with an asterisk or blast it into space." How about a 4th option? I'm thinking something along the lines of wiping his ass with it, sticking it in a bag of poo, putting it on Bonds' doorstep, lighting it on fire and ringing the doorbell. That would be a great inaugural photograph for "poopics".

What about the Dallas Cowboys starting a "troubled player collection"? They could just sign over the Bengals roster from last season. They've got T.O., now Tank Johnson, throw in Pacman and they're well on their way to collecting'em all. What else is there? We could mention Notre Dame, and the fact that offensive genius Charlie Weis can't read his playbook (or the other teams signals) anymore. Ok, cheap shot. I take it back. Notre Dame just sucks. Then there's all the HGH allegations being thrown around (and centered on some 6 foot 5 inch 276 pound athlete in Massachusetts. Unfortnately that doesn't really narrow it down. Maybe we can ask Rodney Harrison (if he wasn't already serving a suspension). And how can we not be tempted to rip on The Sports Guy for double publishing an article online and in a shitty magazine in an attempt to save his favorite television show, Friday Night Lights. I know for a fact that one AoF editor gave that show a chance. At the very least, can we try and bring back Arrested Development? As another AoF editor once stated, "that show is perfect." Perfectly cancelled because apparently America doesn't have a sense of humor.

Yeah, you're right, we've got nothing to talk about. Let's just hope AoF doesn't go the way of this trio...

Would it Be Fair to Say: Racism vs. Sexism

Being the wildly astute political pundit that I am (For christsakes, I even did a little review of it here, replete with shitty photo editing), I'm just gonna have to put on my oversimplification goggles and treat this current electoral cycle as the final showdown in which we answer the age old question: What does America hate more? Blacks or Women?

I guess if that question is rephrased, it's more along the lines of which are we more ready to tolerate in the White House, a white woman or a black man? Sure, roll your eyes at me, oh why oh why is TDX counting out the eventual Republican candidate? Fuck you for even asking that question. I dare you to sit through an entire Republican debate between the dozen or so fatally flawed "candidates" and tell me that you're still gonna vote Republican. If you end up doing so, then I'm just gonna refer you to Kanye's position on George Bush (and, to an equal extent, Kevin Galin), and call you out for not caring about black people.

Assuming Al "Captain Planet" Gore doesn't throw the keys to his Prius into the ring, the Democrat Party's nomination is gonna come down to Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Possibly the one who loses out becomes a running mate, who knows. Also, try not to read any racism into that picture above. It is not a picture of Obama, the ears aren't big enough. I'm just a big fan of the WWN, Bat Boy to be specific. Hey, he kinda looks like Obama, now that I think of it.


But here we are America. If these are our two candidates, which do we choose? Where is the white male candidate that we've always had. Christopher Dodd's eyebrows don't count. I honestly think that America has to make a tough decision. Which is a worse problem in this country, racism or sexism? To be fair, America's issues with sexism isn't particularly focused on our nation. Truth be told, we're leaps and bounds ahead of the curve, just think how sexy you ladies would look in a burka. Also, we're a lot better than most on the racism/xenophobia too. I seem to remember a certain "Question" that the Germans were seeking a "Solution" to a couple generations back. Nevertheless, it's still there. We as a country are a lot better than we used to be, notwithstanding the occasional blip on the radar in Texas.

It certainly seems that America preaches equality, and women have come far, but the sexism is way out in the open. The racism might be stronger, but its more covert. Frankly, I think even when it comes to casting anonymous votes, White America is afraid to let irrational fears of those with year-round tans prevail in the voting booth. As for myself, I'd love to see a black President, just out of curiousity towards the South's reaction (also including that of white trash throughout the nation). When it comes to sexism, I'm in agreement with men of all skin color. There's no explanation for it, I just really fear the type of woman who could possibly ascend to the Presidency. She worries me, because such an individual must be so cutthroat that she would be truly capable of anything. Well, as long as the job description doesn't require parallel parking.

Your Teams Still Suck

Let's get this out of the way: The Patriots broke a league rule, they deserve to be punished. Fact. No way around it. Secondly, am I compelled to write this because its my team? Absolutely. Let's now get to the deeper issue, illustrated by this quote from a coach who has won multiple Super Bowls:

With any luck, we have their defensive signals figured out by halftime.
Sometimes, by the end of the first quarter.

Bill Belichick? No. Mike Shanahan. Wait you may say, that quote refers to lip reading not videotaping. Splitting hairs my friends. Which leads me to my point: The reaction to "Spygate" is completely overblown. First, only the Colts, Yankees, Red Sox, or Spurs would elicit this type of response from the masses. Why? Because they are the teams people love to hate, because they smoke your shitty second rate teams every single year. I'm included in this, if that was the Yankees or Colts I'd be piling right on, but in the back of my head, I'd know I was being ridiculous (but definitely not caring one bit and then f'ing with the people who try to make you rationalize this premeditated ridiculousness). Yet a large majority of the population has decided to smugly (I'm looking at you Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti) sit upon their French Faux thrones and cast doubt upon the legitimacy of the league wide ass kicking the Patriots have administered throughout the past 6 years.

Seriously, once the Patriots get what they deserve from the league, let's move on from this. Yes I'm talking to you. You being anyone who has ever cheated on a test in school, you who has ever snuck a look at an unsuspecting friend's hand in poker, you who pulled a Belichick and snuck a look at your friend's Madden playbook, and especially you whose NFL team does the same thing or tries to gain and edge in some way. If any of those apply to you, hand in your diploma, you cheated your way through school; give back anything you've ever won from a poker game, you won every game by sneaking a peak; and admit you suck at Madden because clearly that's the only reason you were ever successful. The reaction is absurdly overblown. Fact. (these links can also be found in the Sports Guy's recent article).

Here's another fact:

"the Jets don't seem to be using it as an excuse for having their hats handed to
them on Sunday. I don't think the Jets have a signal, after all, for 'let Ellis
Hobbs run a kickoff back 108 yards.'"

Real quick, the tape was confiscated in the first quarter of the game, so it couldn't have been used. Plus your own team doesn't seem to think it's an issue. Any Jets fans hoping for a cheap win by forfeit can chew on that for a minute, and then go back to dreaming of Chad's laser rocket arm.


For all you sanctimonious NY fans let's not forget, Mangini is coach of your B team and Belichick is the reason your A team beat the Bills in the early 90's. You think this type of thing dawned on him only when he came to the Pats? Also, If this was such a huge advantage why aren't the Pats undefeated in the last 6 years? Because it's merely a strategical advantage, that's it, nothing more, you still have to perform and execute. Again, lest the feeble minded lose sight of my argument and begin spewing from your French Faux thrones: it's wrong, period, but the reaction is overblown. Put it this way, it would be like France having the coordinates of Hitler's army. In the end France sucks and they would have been demolished anyway. It's like Major Sobel trying to find his way out of a wet paper bag.





The Patriots will get what they deserve for breaking a rule. Good natured ball breaking is expected and can and should absolutely be tolerated by all Patriots fans, because you know you'd be doing it too. Anyone still legitimately bitching about it after the fact is merely whining and looking for an excuse for why the Patriots smoked your shitty team this year. Actually I take that back, keep bitching and saying that they aren't legit, just remember what they did with relatively no motivation, and then think about what they'll do to prove themselves. Put it on the board. Championship.

Breaking News: Belichick Accused of Cheating

September 12, 2007: Foxboro, MA

In the wake of accusations from the NY Jets and confirmed reports that the New England Patriots were stealing hand signals by videotaping the Jets defensive coodinators last Sunday, further accusations have surfaced against the famed New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

Belichick was accused by his 8 year old son, Justin, of committing the cardinal sin of Madden Football. Playbook watching. At 2:34 left in the 3rd quarter, as Belichick audibled and shifted his linebackers to the left, Justin threw down his controller and angrily accused his father of sneaking a peek at his playbook. He cited several instant replays which clearly show Belichick waiting for Justin to select a play prior to selecting one of his own. In a few instances, where Belichick ran out of time in the play selection menu, there was conclusory evidence that shows him audibling. The score at the time was 45 - 3 in favor of Belichick.

Said Justin after the incident, "First he demanded that I finish my peas (or else no dessert), and then I catch him eyeing my playbook. That's just not cool." Justin continued, "I've always suspected him of cheating. Ever since I was born his mantra to me has been, "Cheat to Win". It's something that I don't believe in, and will never forget. Somehow he always managed to predict my play calling, but when he went head to head with the computer, he would get housed. The only way he ever won was to play as the over-rated Patriots against a shitty team, like the Giants. What a douchebag."

This is not the first time Belichick has been lambasted for situations involving his children. Just two years ago, Belichick cut his daugter, Jessica from his family for financial reasons. Belichick has not responded to the allegations, and has until Friday to complete his own investigation and make an official statement. If found guilty, commissioner John Madden is likely to impose harsh punishments, possibly suspension from the league, and certainly a forfeit of that game.

Another Layup

Again, this really speaks for itself. This post is a lot harder than it seems because I can't see through the tears from laughing so hard. Why can't I be this funny even when i try . . . I can't even . . . just . . . wow . . . how dare you . . . SHE'S A HUMAN!!!




Check out WWTDD for the original find on this.

Fact: There is nothing "realer" than Professional Wrestling

Hey Mike Vick. Write this down. There is life during an NFL suspension, and it doesn't involve dogfighting. It doesn't even involve real physical activity. All that's required is a name and a reputation for kind of being a badass, or being friends with people that do retarded things. TNA (Total Nonstop Action) wrestling capitalized on Adam "Pacman" Jones' suspension from football by pitting him in a tag team match against Kurt Angle and Sting. Pacman did not have to enter the ring until the last second to "cover" Sting and win the match. Apparently Pacman has to adhere to the terms of his contract which require that he refrain from any dangerous activity. (Hopefully someone learned from Big Ben and Kellen Winslow's motorcycle perils).

So apparently Team Pacman is now the TNA Wrestling champions. Congratulations. But I've got a great idea that will really launch TNA into prominance in the fake professional wrestling world. Team Pacman v. Team Ron Mexico. That's right, alter ego's collide in a winner take all cage match. But here's the kicker. Team Ron Mexico is forced to wear hoods to cover their herpes ridden faces, did I say hood? I meant ghost costumes. Why? Because what scares Pacman more than Ron Mexico? Ghosts. (and Mrs. Pacman).

Throw some fruit in there for bonus points, perhaps make it a maze cage match and BAM, instant classic. And when it's all over, no need for bells, just burn some lower case t's, for "time to leave." Winner takes Mrs. Pacman home.

Fact: You picked the wrong day.

Today is not a good day to fuck with me. Yesterday wasn't either, but if possible today is worse. Amid the usual frustration comes life's decisive final blow (or finishing move for you Mortal Kombat fans. Ok I admit I haven't played Mortal Kombat since Sega Genisis and Super Nintendo battled it out for tops in the gaming world, and its very possible the once controvertial game with the "blood code" no longer exists as games like Grand Theft Auto have taking gaming gore to a whole new level).

I apologize for the not so obscure video game references. I've never considered myself a big gamer although I own (but have never personally purchased) a fair number of systems. I only bring up the video game reference to make the point that in every facet of life there are people who are out to ruin everyone elses fun. In this case, there were people complaining that these violent video games were the cause of supposed escalating violence among children/teenagers/young adults. They slapped a rating system on video games as if that was going to stop kids from getting their hands on it.

I recall in elementary or middle school there was the ever popular Naughty By Nature album which fell victim to one of the first "Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics" labels. Hell of an album (O.P.P., Hip Hop Hooray), and even more of a hot commodity once that label was placed on it. I'm going to hold Tipper Gore responsible for no other reason than there's a letter from a crazy guy on my fridge that I think references her. I'm probably wrong. Sorry Tip.

Anyway, back to life's kick in the nuts of the day (everything's funnier with a kick in the nuts apparently, I'll leave it to you to be the judge). Some whore, (male or female, but a whore either way) decided that they would once again ruin everyone's fun by complaining about the weekly office football pool to Human Resources. My guess is it would likely have to have been someone with a big swinging...stick to force HR to take such drastic measures as to force the elimination of the pool, but what the hell. In an already tedious, cubicle filled existence they have to go ahead and tear away the one thing that 20% of the office looks forward to every fall. Plus I'd picked the Saints over the Colts. Fuck Peyton Manning (although admittedly funny on SNL). I post this picture of Bush only because it came up when I searched "kick in the nuts". You're welcome America.

FACT: Randy Couture Will Kick Your Cotton Candy Ass

Two quick things today. The first is a little bit of news/human interest. Just to let you all know out there that we are indeed people with actual feelings, not soulless creatures with shriveled hearts filled only with the cold dark vapors from the farthest outer reaches of space.

There was a nice little story in the New York Times last week about a cotton candy vendor at Shea Stadium who moved to Kansas City four years ago, and kept his job selling cotton candy. The retired NYC firefighter loves the Mets so much, and desperately doesn't want to lose his spot as a vendor so he decided it would be just best to commute to Shea. Remind me never to complain again about getting to Shea from CT. In all seriousness though, I've been a Mets fan for almost 20 years now and there's one thing that remains true, even though they look good nowadays, this will pass. The Mets will only crush your heart into a fine paste if you get your hopes up. Besides, million dollar players don't want to come to Shea and this guy is willing to fly to work, selling cotton candy. The place is a dump, there's a reason it's getting knocked over next year. It sounds like he's probably good friends with Cow-Bell Man.

The second thing is something that I have to show only because The Whip and I wandered upon something called World Extreme Cagefighting. As if UFC wasn't up to the challenge of satisfying all our ass-kicking, blood-letting needs (not to mention Joe Rogan commentary). Anyway, two dudes about 5'8" went at it, culminating in one of them doing the old wave my left hand to distract you while I destroy you with my right move (it actually worked), leaving the other dude bloody and otherwise fucked up. This prompted the mention of just how ridiculously awesome Randy "The Natural" Couture was and still is. I remember when he retired, possibly for good in UFC 57 last year, when Chuck Liddell knocked him out for the second time. It looked like the torch had been passed to a new badass.

Well, it looks like he's back. He's under contract to fight four times. In his first fight back he took back the heavyweight title from Tim Sylvia. Just last week, he defended the title, in the process breaking his arm, yet still kicking Gabriel Gonzaga's ass. (Yes, I'm using Wikipedia for a lot of this information). Forget that he gets in the ring with maniacs. That aside, he's willing to continue fighting said maniac with said broken arm. I'd call out of work if I stubbed my toe (assuming I was employed). Gotta put my health first, boss. Anyway, here's the video link. It's absolutely worth clicking on, especially if you enjoy watching huge men bleeding on each other.

Of Monkeys and Sex

You know what really grinds my gears? Basically people that use that line or any line like it making me close my eyes and dream of a day when originality won the day or when it was legal to shoot guns while riding a horse, that would be sweet right about now, or maybe Michael Landon riding a horse. But that's neither here nor there.

Lately I have been pondering the ramifications of sexually deviant monkeys on society.
Pop quiz hot shot: You know what sucks worse thatn living in Africa? Well, not much really, EXCEPT BEING MOLESTED BY MONKEYS WHILE LIVING IN AFRICA! (Drudge Report is the greatest web site ever, really, where else could you get shit like this? Besides here of course, but the internets is a big place and we like to share). This is another instance of why monkeys are assholes. Nevermind the flinging poo, canibalism, or general douchebaggery (plus the fact that I can't find the forms to obtain my own legally) monkeys now find it necessary to sexually harass innocent villagers already starving and having to look out for lions and shit:

"The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their
private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us."

Messed up? Yeah just a little (also like dudes who use the abbreviation 'lil, come on, stop it or just come out of the closet already). Monkeys grab their breasts and make gestures towards women and get a laugh from officials, I do the same thing and get mace and a night in jail. Based on this I now implore you all to work toward equality of monkeys and men in Africa.

Mark my words, if sexual harassment by monkeys is ignored today, Monkeys will rule our world tomorrow (unless Mark Wahlberg can stop them), and then the inevitable period of Monkey love will begin. You think gay marriage is a hot topic? Imagine monkey marriage! Come with me if you will in my pictoral time machine into the future of monkey love:

Step 1. Curiousness Wins

Step 2. Perputal Line Steppers

Step 3. Hippies Enter the Picture

Step 4. The Ignorant Opposition

Step 5. Monkey Lovers Fight Back

Step 6. Nothing Gets Done About It

Step 7. John Kerry Still Sucks at Not Being a Douchebag

Scary, right? Especially that last image, or maybe the dude in the background staring creepily at him. Looks kind like Brady Quinn come to think of it. If you are ok with this future, sit back and do nothing, allow monkeys to creep into sexual relevancy, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Disclaimer: This post does not intend to liken gay marriage to marrying monkeys or any other attenuated comparison or controversy you can wrap your feeble mind around. That said, don't bitch and go find a job because you probably are the same kind of person that has the time to protest everything under the sun while the rest of us pay for your worthlessness.