(Black and) Blue Balls

Before I get started, I can't really pass up the opportunity to remark on a great game that The Whip's previous post reminded me of. For what it's worth, Faceball looks pretty sweet. It just needs a little something that I can't quite put my finger on. Oh yeah, that's right, it needs more direct shots to the nuts.

Back in college we had a little game that was simply called "Tuna Toss". Frankly, it didn't need a fancy name because it couldn't be more straightforward. The game can be played with any amount of players, but it's best played if two-on-two or players divided into two teams. The players sit on opposite sides of the room, preferably somewhere in the 10-15 feet away range. There's only one piece of equipment necessary, a can. Rational individuals (subjectively speaking) will prefer a can of tuna, but others might use a beer can or even a can of soup.

Did I say one piece of equipment? I meant two: you also need a sac of nuts. The objective of the game is to hit the other team's players in the nuts as many times as possible. It's achieved by lobbing the can across the room to hit the player opposite the tosser in the nuts. You need an arc, the game hurts enough as it is. No blocking is allowed or else penalty shots are awarded. There's no set score to reach, it's a gentleman's game where everyone wins, except for future offspring that will be born retarded and with creepy deformed appendages.

Remember how in the first paragraph of this post it sounded like I was gonna write about something other than nut shots? Turns out not so much. Just go rent Idiocracy and enjoy a little show within the movie called "Ow My Balls". Also, the following video is the best that Google could come up with in regards with getting hit in the nuts with a can.

Guy gets Soup-Can to the Nuts

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Mid-Day Rant

Here I sit, laptop screen dim, trying to covertly blog while I sit in my cubicle, contemplating. Contemplating what, you ask? Good question. Here's the short list.

Why can't my sports radio get good reception?

Why can't the Mets beat the Phillies?

Why has Woot.com paused their Woot-Off on a seven piece taco shell deep frier kit? (for those of you who don't know Woot, they sell one product a day, generally at a price well below market, until they sell out. Then it starts all over again the next day). Presently I am keeping a keen eye on the current "woot-off" (multiple products in a day) yet nothing has really tempted me to pull the trigger. I do a fair amount of shopping on Woot. For example, I've purchased a GPS, Roomba, TV Converter thing. And no matter what you purchase, Flat Screen TV or Bag 'O Crap (they actually do sell bags of crap), it all costs only $5.00 to ship. Genius. The guy who started this must be doing decently well for himself.

Why did the person sitting in the next cubicle to me just tell me that he needs to stay hydrated for the amount of beer he is planning on consuming?

How much beer am I going to consume?

Why does my job require that I wear an "over-21" bracelet when there are only 10 underage people that work here. Might as well let them drink.

Why is that stupid taco deep frier still on Woot? Maybe I'll buy a taco deep frier, just to keep things moving. Who would ever USE a taco deep frier?

Why is Aaron Sele pitching for the Mets in the 5th inning when they have a shot at coming back?

Should I go take a poop? There's no TV in the bathroom here. I could get bored. Thank God for cell phone games. (I recommend Fight Night).

Blogging is hard with the potential of someone looking over your shoulder at all times.

Should the Democratic Party take Fidel Castro's advice and run a Clinton/Obama ticket? Was that actually Castro? Does he have a ghostwriter? Is he already dead?

Woot has moved onto a "twin turbo" hand vac. $4.99. Sounds spiffy, I'd link it if it wasn't about to disappear.

In an attempt to find a cure for office boredom, I've discovered a game that requires two people and an object (preferably blunt). Ok, ok officially, you need a ball. The game is called "faceball". As the name of the game suggests, it involves your face, and balls. The object of the game is to throw balls in your face. The person who has the most balls in their face, loses. Game: Blouses

Would it Be Fair to Say?: Television Facilitates Dooking

When one has as active a lifestyle as I do, one tends to search far and wide for every way possible of maximizing the efficiency of everyday actions. For example, I manage to shave while doing my daily bear wrestling. Also, I can cook three eggs, sunny side up, while finding the cure for both cancer and erectile disfunction simultaneously. Sure these are important things that benefit humanity, but anyone can do just one thing at a time. I'm pretty sure history will look back at me favorably, probably in the form of enormous statues being erected in places like the White House lawn and St. Peter's Square. Also, those statues ought to show me in real scenes from my life, like when I surfed on the back of a great white shark from Newport News, VA to Sao Paolo, which, as we all know, led to the end of the Cold War.

The ultimate time saver would be, without a doubt, the television in the bathroom. Sure, one might say that the newspaper ought to be sufficient. Besides, if you're in there that long then something's probably wrong with you. To that I have only to say, you're probably a chick if you seriously thought that. All guys deep down, or maybe not so secretly, desperately covet a TV in the bathroom. Let's just say that I make sure my internal clock, so to speak, has to get synced up in time for football season, because sometimes the commercial break just isn't enough.

To those gentlemen of leisure that are on the same page with me, I unveil the Bathroom Television. (Among those names that have been suggested for this incredible invention is the PooTube, Shittervision, and NumberTwolevision). Shockingly, this is sold in several places, notably overseas, which amazes me, since this just sounds incredibly American. One can be purchased here or here. The best, though, is this commercial from Fox Sports en Espanol. (Fox!). Just amazing. (For full disclosure's sake, the master bedroom at the AoF Cave, which is not mine, has an attached bathroom with TV within eyesight, but once The Whip's girlfriend moved in it just didn't seem a good idea to watch TV from his toilet anymore.)

FACT: Hitler Should've Owned the Yankees

In what is probably considered cheap journalism on my part, I want to bring your attention to a recent post from WithLeather (an AoF favorite). Apparently, the former Prime Minister of Thailand, a gentleman by the name of Thaksin Shinawatra, is the new proud owner of his very own Premiership club, Manchester City.

This story popped out to me for two great reasons. The first being that Man City is my recently adopted EPL team. I chose it for no particularly good set of reasons, which is not necessarily surprising in that there are many things I do for no good reasons. I bring to your attention to a current personal boycott of Anheuser products (excluding the always delicious Natty Light), only because the company owns the Cardinals and I'm trying to revive the good Mets/Cardinals rivalry of the 80s. By the way, the Mets are fucking the Pirates up right now, that Matt Morris trade just keeps getting better and better. Oh yeah, the boycott also is because Bud Light sucks. If that's your favorite beer, sorry, you have no taste buds and are probably a connoisseur of nothing.

The second, and main reason, turns out this fascinating Shinawatra fellow has committed a plethora of human rights violations. Looking into this story involved clicking on the link inside of the WithLeather post, which just highlights just how great this current post is, blogging inside of blogging. He's been officially condemned by something by the name of Human Rights Watch, as well as Amnesty International for his actions, which, amongst other things, include deploying the Thai military against Thai citizens, and, most importantly, having about 2,500 people executed in a three month period in 2003 for drug violations. Possession of a dong bong in Thailand....punishable by death. Let me just say that the executions would run day and night in Provincetown if that was the case here (I'll save that whole Big Gay Extravaganza subject matter for a whole other post, if not numerous ones.)

It makes you wonder how this could have played out in other scenarios. The most obvious is that Hitler was destined to have owned the Yankees. It's safe to assume that Ron Blomberg (first ever DH) wouldn't have been likely to don pinstripes. Pinochet would have definitely bought an MLS franchise if given the chance, maybe Chivas USA. Stalin would've ruled the Rhein Fire with an iron fist. Chelsea's current owner is a Russian mob boss, awesome in its truth. It certainly makes you look at Marge Schott's tenure in a whole different light.

Fact: Gays Are Better for Long Term Love

How do I put this without offending 10% of AoF readers. A study, done in London, reports that "Women see masculine-looking men as more unsuitable long-term partners but men with more feminine features are seen as more committed and less likely to stray (because they're gay), researchers said Wednesday."

I think I went to school with a few guys that might find this story intriguing, and you know what AoF reader, you know how I know you're gay? You find this article particularly uplifting.

I think basically the gist of the article was that the uglier you are the better the chances are that you get locked down faster than Tank Johnson after the Super Bowl. I was going to put a link regarding Tank Johnson, but if you don't get it you're either a girl or a girly-man.

Fact: Mother Nature Hits Close to Home

Okay, not the home of AoF, but possibly YOUR home loyal AoF reader. Fox, the always reputable, fair and balanced news source reported that "some people believe that a tornado touched down in Bay Ridge, NY." Maybe it was a tornado, maybe it wasn't. It could have been a herd of "wild" cows. It could have been a pack of wild monkeys. They look so natural just chilling on the corner, don't they? Really it could have been anything.

Like the time there was either an earthquake, a train flew off the tracks 10 miles into the side of my house orBear Grylls took a mammoth bite of some fresh sushi that he worked extremely hard to catch. I think the moments preceding the bite looked something like this:




Bottom line, if the National Weather Service issues a tornado warning for a part of the country not usually prone to wild monkey, I mean tornado attacks, you can do one of two things. (1) You can scoff at those fools at the NWS and go about your day OR (2) You can monkey proof your home (or stoop) or cardboard box, and do your damnedest to survive. But hey, why bother playing it safe, there's no fun in life if you're not living dangerously. Do me a favor, go back to the article and look at the tree sitting on that Benz. Tornado? Perhaps. Or just a really pissed off Silverback that escaped from the Bronx Zoo and took the subway all the way to the end only to be MORE pissed off he ended up in Brooklyn? I'll leave that decision to you loyal reader.

As for the earthquakes, sure, they happen, but rarely in the northeast. But I'm going to put money on that it was Bear Grylls trying to kill my dog with a throwing stick, missing, and hitting my house with the force of 1,000 10 year olds, while filming an episode of Man vs. Wild: Suburbia.

On a completely different note, Reuters reports that President Bush did not watch nor take the time to personally congratulate Barry Bonds on breaking the Home Run record. You know what? GOOD, I'd hope the President has better things to do (like croqueting, playing cornhole (a fantastic drunk game for preschoolers I learned in Worchester, MA), and rolling dice with the department heads (clickity clack)). I am only gladdend by the fact that the guy who caught the nefarious record breaking home run ball was from Queens, wearing a Mets t-shirt and "just passing through" on his way to Australia. I hope the ball gets stolen by a pack of wild armadildo's.

What Dougie Giveth, He Taketh Away

Just yesterday I was praising Boston.com for their excellent work in the field of moustachery (see below). However, it has come to my attention that Boston.com now deserves my ridicule for some serious unintentional gayness: Tom Brady hooking up with Bridget Moynihan? Gisele? No, try Donte Stallworth. Does anyone check these headlines and what exactly are the editors doing over there? This is going to bring about new calls for a sexual inneuendo editor, and when I say renewed calls, I mean I'm going to send my resume to major media outlets again. I don't know what kind of camp Belicheck is running but it seems more gay than Mangina....i mean Mangenius' Mozart soundtrack which is much like the Jets: Soft. Shame on you boston.com. Where does this rank on the unintentional comedy scale? Well I find it pretty damn amusing that's for sure. Apparently the voice in the video below is actually Donte Stallworth: Fact.



Oh, and dougie did indeed go deep last night.

5th

D Mirabelli homered to left, W Pena scored.

3

2

Our Kind of Paper

Yet another reason the Boston Globe and boston.com have captivated me over the years.

A Professional Moustachio Bashio.

As reported by the American Moustache Institute or the AMI as such aficionados as the AoF staff call it.

Clifford The Big Dead Dog

Quick note: Dougie does not appreciate the reports that readers are unhappy with Dougie's recent posts. If a reader has a problem with Dougie's post (and its not merely made up by other compatriots with far more time on their hands) then Dougie implores you to not be lazy and use the comment board. Dougie was so upsethe could barely finish his steak and cheese (extra cheese).

Now, on to far more entertaining topics, like Michael Vick fighting dogs. That's right Pedro Gom...I mean DGD will be reporting on this again. Basically, its become as tiresome a story as Terrell Owens and reached the level of I don't give a shit faster than Kim Clijsters. Quick note to all the clowns out there, this issue is about DOGS, that's right DOGS. Don't get me wrong, I like dogs, I wouldn't hurt or advocate hurting dogs myself but for the love of christ Ray-Ray helped kill a brotha and is now God's linebacker. At least he's taking care of T.O. for us.

Another note, I implore everyone to cancel your subscription to SI if you still get that rag. . . I mean who isn't interested in the completely related topic of global warming and sports, that's not attenuated at all. Come to think of it, maybe pitching in 2 feet of water will help Dontrelle's ERA, be back after I take my diesel truck for a ride after turning all the lights on. Seriously, any magazine that can tear apart Vick after calling Ray-Ray God's linebacker needs a swift kick in the nuts. (side note, Michael Irvin looks like he is sweating out crack as he cries at the Hall of Fame induction).

Back to it. The reaction to this whole dog fighting thing is completely overblown. Suspension, I suppose, jail, most likely, banishing to Antarctica. . . not so much. Vick has basically lost his job, faces jail, has been disowned by anything with NFL branded on it, and had sponsors run away faster than little Franky from father O'Flanagan's special friend Rupert. I mean seriously, the free market has the right to respond as it will but Vick seems like he f'd up at the wrong time. I mean Leonard Little killed someone then went out and put himself in the same situation and gets a three-year contract extension. Doesn't quite add up.

Now you insatiable animals, there will be many more posts to come so cool out it takes more than a few naked swings in front of the mirror to get ideas for posts. But I leave you with this Chinese riddle: What's the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay.

The Hoff and State of the Television Address

I've really got no explanation for myself. I'm reclining, laptop in lap, lamenting at the state of TV when tremendous shows like It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia are relegated to FX, rarely being aired and shows like "The Singing Bee" and "America's Got Talent" end up on primetime. What does this mean? Well either that America's full of retards who love this crap and fail to appreciate solidly entertaining television, or the brains behind the networks are chugging away at such a furious pace that they pass on shows that are far more deserving than "American Idol".

I never really had the opportunity to fully express my disdain for American Idol. It's shows like that, where a good portion of America gets their jollies from watching overprivileged, happened to be in the right place at the right time (or used to be the bassist for Journey) people put down people who are just trying to make it. Now I'm all about this being a cruel, unforgiving world, but is it really necessary to glorify it? Shows like American Idol and the Apprentice not only makes it entertaining for people to watch a guy who can't keep his toupee on straight put people down, but make it ok for other people to do it. Oh and fuck Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie and...everyone related to the production and airing of the Simple Life. What a bunch of bullshit that show is. And all of MTV.

But back to the whole point of this rant. How did the Hoff do it? After Knight Rider and Baywatch, America had figured he'd peaked. I mean, where else can you go from running in slow motion on a beach? The answer is obviously being a pop music artist in Germany. What did they see in him? I lieu of actually posting the pictures on AoF, I'll link you to a fine collection of them. Apologies for that.

...and for this too...

Anyway, he's presently a "judge" (and I use the word judge extremely loosely) on America's Got Talent, a hyperbole laden clusterfuck of feel goodyness where everyone's got talent, but no one's willing to tell you exactly how much you suck. I'll tell you what, if the guy who can do pogo stick freestyle "tricks" doesn't suck and "isn't a good fit for the show", and most of the finalists are singers, then it sounds a hell of a lot like we've got another American Idol to rot our brains.

Hey you know what show isn't afraid of yanking you off stage when you make a fantastic embarrassment of yourself? A Night at the Apollo. At least there's a talent show I can respect. If you're a kid, they applaud you no matter what. If you've got skills the crowd cheers the shit out of you. If you suck not only does the clown come out and make you look dumb, you get booed and possibly capped on your way out of the parking lot.

You know what, here's a shout out to David Hasselhoff. You starred in a couple of shows that epitomized America and/or American culture of the early 90's. Then you realized that American culture is fucked and booked it to Germany....and fucking rocked it. I'm personally not a fan, and I'd entered this with the intention of ripping on your, but you know what you did a hell of a job. So I'm giving you two fingers up. Congratulations

But Hoff, you're a part of it now and are as much to blame. In conclusion, I implore you, America. Stop encouraging the creation of mindless retarded television. I can only hope that people realize the reality television is not reality, but made up of "reality TV actors" (i.e. those just not attractive and/or not talented enough to cut it on real TV). With that, I bid you good day.

Musings from the World of Relaxation

It's been a pretty amazing stretch of the last few days. It's a funny thing having absolutely nothing to do. You end up going out of your way for relaxation. One never knows when this great stretch of leisure will come to an end, i.e., finding a job, so I force myself to squeeze every last drop of nothing out of the day. My current favorite is going to bed at a quasi-reasonable time in order to wake up early. To do what you might ask? Mostly play video games, maybe watch some infomercials, etc. Soon Tiger Woods is gonna go down, hard.

The downside to having a completely free schedule is that I have nothing of any value to write about here. Seriously, nothing. My mind is a blank. There's not even that much going on in my personal life. Honestly, the most significant thing that's happened to me in the past week is that I'm pretty sure that I got dysentery from Shea Stadium hot dogs. Those were delicious and I have no regrets.

As stated above, all I'm left with is various musings:

First off, fuck Tyler Florence. What has he done to warrant Applebee's forcing him into my home on a regular basis to sell some shitty generic dish? I hate that because of him I wasted 10 minutes of my life on the celebrity chef Wikipedia entry. On the related note, what is not wasted was the time spent on the main page, mostly the "this day in history" stuff. The only noteworthy days tend to be battles. That or Hitler taking power. That happened yesterday. Found it curious for whatever reason.

You know what, fuck it. I'm feeling a little too lazy to actually come up with a full list of things. I have a date with a certain piece of paraphernalia that I can't actually say the name of in the head shop or else they kick you out. Seriously, who calls it a water pipe in their everyday life?

In closing, I'd like to leave you with a classic Shrutism: "I've never killed a vampire before, but I did shoot a werewolf once. By the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."