Moustaches From Around the World

Those of you who are regulars readers of AoF (both of you) have no doubt been up in arms over an omission of mine that is so glaring that it ought to be criminal. I am, of course, referring to a recap of Moustachio Bashio. Just in case you had fears that it had not taken place at all, let me allay your fears and reassure you, yes, moustaches from about the town, nay, the world, congregated in our backyard for one glorious day.

As means of explaining why I never posted the follow-up, I'm gonna let Vince Vaughn ("Swingers" Vince Vaughn, not "Old School" Vince Vaughn. It was kind of like new school Vince Vaughn) do the explaining for me: "Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep." Just replace pretending to study for the bar with any of those three and you have the reasons right there.

Without further ado, here's a little trip down Moustachio Drive:

This is all that we had pictures of. Turns out that you don't end up taking too many pictures when at least one of your hands tends to have a bottle of Bird 101 in it. I was thinking about making some sort of mix and match game, where you pick out which one of the group looks the most like a rapist, but after looking at this group it's just not possible. The answer would end up being A-F.

Only one is fake, all are horrible. None of us are cops, although it is telling that only two of us have jobs. Also, I'm pretty sure moustache number 5 belongs to a child molester.

Kim Clijsters Thinks We Care

WHO? Good question.

ESPN is reporting that Kim Clijsters got married in a secret ceremony to a U.S. basketball player, playing in the Belgian league. "Kim chose for the early hour because she wanted to conduct her nuptials with the American Brian Lynch within a small circle of people," the wedding comes just days after the former top-ranked player announced she was pregnant with her first child. "ace!!!"

Who the fuck cares. She doesn't play tennis anymore. She retired at 24. And I'm pretty sure if you don't watch tennis you wouldn't know her because her name isn't Anna or Maria. Sounds kind of like Columbus' fleet.

I think I'm just in a bad mood right now, but I don't know what I despise more. The fact that ESPN brought this to my attention, the thought that Kim Clijsters would have to go out of her way to avoid people under the supposition that people actually cared, or the fact that people might actually care.

This was just a good excuse to post pictures of Anna and Maria (one more for good measure)...now i just have to find the Pinta.

I wish people would stop harassing me as well. I guess that happens when you're so famous like me. That's why when I have to drop a deuce I wait until 6 AM, check all empty rooms, around all corners and under all toilet seats to make sure no one knows what I'm doing. I'd hate to end up on this site.

FACT: Rock, Paper, Scissors (or RPS) New Legitmate Sport

First it was darts, then dominos, then backgammon, then chess, then poker, then eating contests and now folks, it's Rock Paper Scissors. That's right, the USARPS League combines big prizes, beer, women (former PMOY NSFW) spokeswoman, and now National Television coverage on ESPN to bring you the finest in 1 on 1 strategy. Ridiculous you say? I think not. I've been asserting as fact for almost a decade now that RPS is the ultimate and most basic combination of strategy, wit, guile, nerve and marbles and is the only real way disputes can be fairly settled.

Not only must you know yourself, and know enough to stay within yourself and not overthink your moves, but you must know your opponent what they have a propensity to throw, if they like to lead with say, paper, or if they're as surprised as anyone as to the shape their hand takes as "shoot" is called. (I could never understand those people who threw on "three" or "scissors" during the cadence, it just feels wrong). For those of you who are not familiar with the RPS hierarchy (more like a cycle), here it is.

Looking at the games history, co-commissoner Matt Leshem stated in a recent interview, "this is a game played since the beginning of recorded history. Back to the caveman days, it was known as rock rock rock. The discovery of new materials led to a change in the approach. "For a time, it was known as rock papyrus spear, which you may have heard of before." How true.

Rock, Paper, Scissors too bland for you? Fellow AoF editor T.D. Xerxes recommends you try a variation of the game "CFNB" or "Cockroach, Foot, Nuclear Bomb" (upon further research I have found allegations that this game originated on "That 70's Show". Seeing as how I never watch it nor seen TDX watching it I feel obligated to apply the independant source doctrine in this matter.) Regardless of the spin you put on it, you've gotta believe that it'll make for some of the finest minute thirty, possibly two minutes of television entertainment.

Lastly, I think it was about time that ESPN embraced the sideways suggestion in the movie "Dodgeball" in which the tournament in said movie was aired on the ficticious ESPN channel "ESPN 8" aka "The Ocho". Brilliant. Now I'm not saying that ESPN needs to go ahead and create 4 more channels just to get there, but how about we call it ESPN Gaming, or ESPN programming for people who hate the Big 4 Sports (Baseball, Basketball, Football, Hockey or NASCAR (sort of) (if you really believe ESPN a la covering Barry Bonds as if there was never a cloud of suspicious surrounding his use of performance enhancing drugs) ). Seriously, there are times when ESPN and ESPN 2 look like to sports what MTV now is to music videos. I suppose this is inevitable when your programming consists of 3 or 4 decent shows and 1 Sports news show repeated about 30 times a day. You're going to have to have something to fill in for the times when all that's in season is Arena football and the WNBA (which do we care about less - check the sidbar poll). Anyway, back to RPS on ESPN. Think about it. You could have Harold Reynolds calling the matches, Kenny Mayne, throw a little Johnny Mac in there for good measure and BAM, you've got a formidable Monday Night RPS broadcasting team.

Come to think of it, does anyone else think that we've been seeing a lot of Stephen A. Smith since the departure of Harold Reynolds? Maybe its just me, but SAS is a bit over the top. Besides, Reynolds got a raw deal, the least you could do is give him The Ocho. I was perfectly cool with him when I ran into him at a California Pizza Kitchen near Bristol. I just hope that the Stephen A. experiment gets curtailed a bit.

But for now, Rock, Paper, Scissors...Shoot! (sweet online game)

I'm going to have to credit With Leather for bringing this to my attention. (if you do not already know of With Leather, and AoF is not fulfulling your internet procrastinating needs, I highly recommend the site. They do excellent work over there full time.)

ROCKET!!!

Fuck Roger Clemens.

Just for the record, it must be known that this isn't a particularly new sentiment on my part. I've pretty much despised every fiber of his being with all that I've got for quite a while. I'm nothing if not a man of principle, and this has been the unwavering bedrock that all my other beliefs have been rooted in.

As a (possibly) quick recap on how big a bag of shit the Rocket is, let's take a quick stroll down memory lane. Bear in mind, this isn't a list of every one of his acts of douchebaggery, merely things that he has done that has personally bothered the shit out of me:
1. Force a trade to the Yankees in the first place. I'm sure the BJs were dying to trade a player that had just won two straight Cy Youngs. Of course he immediately won a World Series, all while rubbing Babe Ruth's bust before he went to the mound. Douchebaggery.
2. Beaning Piazza during a Subway Series in 2000, not one month after Piazza had hit a grand slam against him, not to mention the fact that Piazza had owned him his entire career. High and tight fastball. Unequivocally a beanball.
3. Throwing the bat at Piazza in the World Series itself. This one didn't bother me so much, it just seemed like one more juvenile act for a man who refers to himself as the Rocket and named all of his kids starting with the letter K. I think it's Kody, (Hot) Karl, Krauszer's....fuck it, not gonna look it up. Besides, I think it's more because he's a Klansman than for the strikeouts. On a side note, one shining moment in my life was to skip class for the ticker tape parade that year just to scream "Fuck you Clemens!" when he rolled by on the float.
4. His first "retirement" in 2003. I almost would've felt bad for the Yankees if they weren't soulless creatures not worthy of human emotions like pity or sympathy. For space saving purposes, I'm gonna go with retirements 2-5 as also shitty, mostly jerking around a reasonable team like the Astros now.
5. The fact that he refused to sign until the beginning of June last year. Great steroids conspiracy. Definitely secret 50-game suspension.
6. Showing up in the owner's box this year like he was the Messiah. Who knew that Yankees fans were honestly this pathetic that a 45-year old overweight man would be the savior of their season. BTW, they're 3 games under .500 right now. ROCKET!!!!!
7. This one's the biggest, and I deserve a rousing game of hide the dook somewhere in my house for the bad karma I laid on everyone: I drafted Clemens this year in fantasy. Not to bother everyone with the details, because no one likes to hear about someone else's fantasy team, but CHRIST I'm a retard and Clemens makes me want to personally find a way to strangle him with piano wire. Fuck his groin (that sounds bad), legs, whatever other shit's not in shape yet. It's the end of June. Get into shape or retire. Goddamn. At least he's gotten me 1 win with 22 Ks to the tune of a 5.32 ERA. (Side note: here's his wife's website. These hicks from Texas can't get enough money. She's even selling shit on it.)

Here's the point. Have you honestly sat down and thought about how much money he makes to do literally nothing. The original contract was for $28 million, prorated over the amount of time he spends on the roster. He wasn't added to the roster until June 1st, so lets say that he's gonna make $18.67 mil. this year (that's the last four months of the season, no postseason because there's no way in hell this year, bitches). That's $4.67 mil./month, $155.6k/day, $6,481/hour, $270/minute, and $4.50/second. I've seen the math where he makes so and so per pitch, whatever per start. That's not gonna do it for me. For me, this math works better. On the four days he's not pitching, he makes over $600,000.00. That's an insane number. Let's look at other things he might do. How much do you make to watch TV? Probably nothing. He made almost 13 grand to watch Passion of the Christ. Probably double that since he always has to watch it twice in a row at least. Since he's probably never in a rush, not like he has a job or anything, he makes 2 grand to take a shit. I make nothing to take a shit, although I should. He makes 50 bucks just to have a fleeting thought about how much he makes. His pay to ruin my fantasy team? Priceless.

In closing, here's a great short that I'm sure you've all seen by now from Funny or Die. Normally they would demand we take the video down, but since no one reads this site, I'm pretty sure we're safe.

Fact: The Knicks should sign Bill Bellamy as Player-Coach

Never was there an athlete who found such success on the basketball court as Violator's player-coach Bill Bellamy. Never has anyone gone 2-80 from the field yet finished with 52 points after hitting a game winning 50 point shot with 3:34 left in the 3rd quarter. Rock and Jock success must translate to NBA success.

(Perhaps David Stern should consider doing away with dress codes and "professionalism" in pro-sports, and adopt the rules of the once annual, now defunct "Rock and Jock" basketball game. Remember when going "pro" meant getting paid for playing rather than its new interpretation of having to dress snazzier than Walt Clyde's moustasche on a humid Manhattan afternoon?)

I digress...anyway, think about it. Not only would the Knicks not need last minute heroics by Jamal Crawford, Stephon Marbury, and even the occassional buzzer beater by Sir Stevie Franchise "Bacon"(watch him sizzle), but we could do away with all three players as well as relegate Isaiah to the assistant coach spot. (or how about fired?)

Not only was Bellamy a great MTV V.J. (video jockey for those of you who missed the decade and a half when MTV actually meant Music TV), his on court antics coupled with his Belichick-esq on-court strategy (a shout out for the Pats-fan AoF Editor), makes him the prime court-side...nay, in-game general. As evidenced by his above interview he would love to pass like Magic and I'm certain he could swish and dish, as well as slice and dice up the Garden floor in like fashion.

Great basketball rivalries: Jordan-Bird? Yeah pretty good, but the video game kind of sucked. Magic-Bird, better.

I offer you this one: Bellamy-Cortese. That's right. Bill Bellamy versus Dan Cortese. I didn't write the article, happened to stumble upon it, but as I recall Bellamy always got the best of Cortese and the Bricklayers. Anyone recall when Simon Rex tried to step into the spotlight. Pathetic.

A final question for you: Who was the greatest Rock and Jock basketball player ever??

No, not Gena Lee Nolin (who?)

Not Dean Cain (Captian at one point, but Superman on the court he was not (although I seem to recall a big shot made)

Not JTT.

I hope you were thinking of This Guy.

UPDATE: I orginally thought this was going to be a post about what moves the Knicks should make prior to the draft. That just seemed too serious. Seriously. Just to make my point, the Knicks need one of either Gilbert Arenas or Kobe Bryant. I'd trade everyone if need be. They may not win a title, but it would sure be entertaining. Is there not one individual in sports more singularly entertaining than Gilbert Arenas? Who else has a list of every player drafted before him that he crosses off as they each exit the league? Who else yells "hibachi" after sinking a tough shot? Maybe he really enjoys Benihana....

FACT: Movie Spoilers

Not too long ago (read: almost 3 months ago, damn I gotta post more often) I posted about some particularly ridiculous goings on in "24". I only mention this because, at the time, I was gonna make that entire post about spoiling the endings to things. Not surprisingly, I rambled on for a few paragraphs, got pretty lazy, and decided to call it a day. I figured I could always come back to that idea at some point. Well, that time is now. Buckle your seatbelts and brace yourselves, because you're about to find out the surprise endings to a few movies that you may or may not have seen.

In terms of how I assembled this list, I just went to IMDB and checked out what were the most popularly rated movies. It's a pretty random list and just goes to show that the Internet is populated 70% by fat nerds; 10% by pompous asses that access the Internet on their Macs, at Starbucks, which they drove to in their Priuses (Prii?), while wearing Crocs; and .00000001% AoF readers. The rest is made up of the Chinese. Man they're catching up to us fast if you believe the news. Without further ado:

1. The Godfather - They all say to themselves, "Man, my guidance counselor really was right, crime doesn't pay. I'm gonna go back to school, get my degree, and really turn my life around." Then they get houses in the suburbs, settle down into nice-easy lifestyles, raise their families, and kick back in front of the TV most nights. One Sunday, they're watching HBO, happen to see how the Sopranos ended, get pissed off like everyone else, and revert to their old ways. All because David Chase is an asshole. On a side note, the newscast on Monday seriously covered this, for an entire commercial to commercial segment. Charles Gibson, take heed, there's a reason no one's ever heard of you.

2.Shawshank Redemption - Andy DuFresne drops dead of hepatitis A. Seriously, he swam for a mile in shit. Were prisoners particularly up to date on their vaccinations back then?

3.The Lord of the Rings - Seriously, geeks? Best movie ever? This movie has got to top the list of "Most Often Beaten Off to While Simultaneously Watching Anime Porn on Another Screen".

4.Pulp Fiction - The briefcase in the end definitely has twenty double cheeseburgers in it. Marcellus Wallace scoffs at ten.

5.Casablanca - Bogart singlehandedly ends WWII. Also, definitely tells that chick not to get on the plane, mostly because this was 1942 and she had the kind of rack that money couldn't buy yet.

6.Schindler's List - Are we even allowed to joke about this movie? Definitely not in Germany. I'm also pretty sure the Germans were punishing the Jews for what happened in #10 on this list.

7.Star Wars - Nerds strike again. In the original ending, Luke lost his virginity to a gay sex robot. (can robots be gay? I got my fingers crossed.) I was gonna make up a clever porn title, but the nerds beat me to it. Here's a few nuggets: "Sith On My Face", "Hutt Sluts", and "Hands Solo". Man, after a tough day of World of Warcraft, nothing helps a geek unwind like some usenet star wars related message board posting.

8.Raiders of the Lost Ark - Fucking Nazi's faces melt off at the end. Not even gonna make this one up. It was that awesome. For what it's worth, sports announcer Gary Thorne definitely looks like the head Nazi.

9.The Usual Suspects - It was the butler. You know what, I'm not gonna come up with something better than that. Kevin Spacey plays a retard and turns out to be the bad guy. Why does everyone love this movie? It's like a shitty version of CLUE. Now that's cinema.

10.Passion of the Christ - Didn't get around to seeing it, actually. I figured, since I read the book, why bother?

Fact: Joey Harrington Thinks Jeter's a Bitch

This is killing me. Besides every network pounding the Yankee demise down our throats, we now have to listen to the Yankees and their "comeback." Here's one fact: they are still 9.5 games back, here's another fact, they (at the moment I'm writing this) are not yet above .500. Now honestly, for a payroll well above $200 million and the Brett Favre of MLB coming back to save the day and the equivalent of a 2000-2001 ish All-Star squad 1-9 there's no goddamn reason that they should be below .500 in the first place.

Honestly, I want to rip out my eardrums every time I flip on Sportscenter and have to hear about the "Yankee Comeback". Alright I'll give you that they won 6 straight, over the White Sox and the PIRATES!!! In other news, my intramural basketball team won 6 straight by sweeping a 3 games series with the School for the Blind and then sweeping the local quadriplegic all-stars.

At least Sportscenter has begun mocking the sea of assholes they call Yankee fans by pointing out that every home run that a-rod now hits makes him a "true Yankee". This makes me feel a little better about having to hear the YES network call themselves the network of champions, no not really that still makes me wish with every fiber in my body that Bob Sheppard would drop dead and that Steinbrenner would pull a Cory Lidle.

Now for the good stuff. Joey Harrington hates the Yankees as well.


Friends of AoF were present at the middle game of a 3 game set with the Yankees perched upon the monster. One such rouge was getting beers in line when he was berated by a drunk Boston fan babbling about Joey Harrington. His interest mildly piqued, he ventured down the aisle and in fact, Joey Harrington was seated in the first row of the monster seats. Now, by all accounts Mr. Harrington was nothing but friendly and accommodating to the drunken requests for pictures after 3 innings of shouting at him. The greatest part of this picture, Harrington's t-shirt. He also engaged in a rousing rendition of Sweet Caroline, which is 10x better than the God Bless America that the Yankees pompously shove down our throats. (that's right yankee fans no one loves america more than you, or at least the welfare checks it provides to you). That's one hell of a guy right there. Hey Joey, just so you know, we're all rooting for a Vick indictment.

Heads-Up Post

I stand before you (figuratively) today to deliver what hopes to be a succint State of the Fact Assertions Address. As you are no doubt aware, there has been little to no posting as of the past month and a half or so. To that I offer two forms of explanation:

One: If diamonds could be found everywhere and all the time, they wouldn't be worth that much now would they. Posting these little nuggets of distilled genius takes time (at least 20 minutes). If we keep the supply down, the price will stay up, or something along those lines, I'm no scientist.

Two: The actual reason, mostly that the authors of AoF are attempting to remedy the fact that we learned nothing of substance during three years of law school and just found out there's this thing called the bar (I believe that's the name...) that aims to test every single fact that has ever been known about the law (Rehnquist preferred to go commando...little known fact). This reason has it's flaws also, mostly that by referring to us as authors, it implied we have any ability to write.

All this being said, I am glad to say that the site appears to be operating well, readership is at an all-time high, profits are up, losses are down, chickens are in every pot, cars are in every garage, etc. (I make no warranty as to the truthfulness of anything in the preceding sentence).

Apologies to those looking for something reasonable to follow, but the following possibilities were posed to me this week...Question: Could Wolverine turn into a Zombie? I say no, mostly in that his superhealing would probably counteract the zombie bite. For the sake of argument, though, once a zombie, he'd be unstoppable with the adamantium skeleton. How about the Incredible Hulk? Here, the consensus is yes, mostly since he's usually Bruce Banner and vulnerable. Being a Zombie would probably make him angry all the time though, and that wouldn't be good for business either.

Wow, I almost broke a sweat blogging right there. That really got out of hand fast. I mean that really escalated quickly.

P.S. Moustachio Bashio Next Week

P.P.S. Kevin Galin doesn't care about black people.

Let's Hear it for the Internet

I have recently been advised that there has been little to no posting on AoF for the past couple weeks. This is of course, notwithstanding, two excellent posts bringing to national attention two of the biggest issues confronting our society, namely lethal cleaning robots and the invidious government efforts at concealing the true numbers of fallen monkeys in tree swinging/poo flinging.

One, I swear that goddamn Roomba was sent from the future for more than just to keep our floors spotless. It will turn out to be a godless kiling machine, like bears, which coincidentally there was one roaming in our neighborhood the other day. Frankly, I think the only natural course of action on our part should be to eat some peyote and swing from a rope wearing a bear costume. Why would a bear use a robe swing you ask? Perhaps I have my reasons, which I choose to keep close to my vest at this time.

Second, I disagree with the original estimates of 1,000 fallen monkeys per annum (fancy word for year, huh?). I think that's easily the number in Uganda alone. Uganda is like monkey paradise according to Planet Earth. It looked like the Garden of Eden, only if the Garden of Eden was filled to the brim with warring monkey tribes hell-bent on cannibalizing each other and raping each other's monkey women. Before that episode, I had no idea that monkeys were such assholes. Wait, yes I did.

At this point in what is turning out to be an ever-lengthening, rambling, incoherent mess of a post, I suppose you might be wondering to yourself, "Hey, why is there a Gaydar scale to the right up there. That's kind of a random thing to just throw out there without any explanation. Hmm, now that it's there, I might as well take a look. I wonder where I rank on it." Bam, you know how I know you're gay? Because in my hypothetical scenario of your inner thoughts, you just ranked "Out", signifying confirmed gayness, merely for looking at what appears to be a much more useful version of the Terror Alert scale that Homeland Security uses.

OK, nothing in that above paragraph aided even slightly in explaining the inclusion of the Gaydar. Basically, I just wanted to use it as a vivid example of just how amazing the Internet is. Consider me the Internet Ombudsman, critiquing the strengths and shortcomings of the ol' dubya,dubya,dubya. I happened upon the chart while carrying out my routine "barely legal hot pole vault photos" google search. The picture to the right is of some chick in high school who happens to be a nationally ranked pole vaulter. Lets just insert the generic pole vault joke here and move on. I'm not gonna bother with the details, they're better handled by With Leather and Deadspin. In conclusion, God Bless America and fuck China, because until they're permitted by their government to spend otherwise productive hours ogling pictures of hitherto unknown 18 year olds with perfect bodies they'll never catch up to us. I don't care what "24" might have you think to the contrary.

Statistics That Need to be Kept

I submit that there is a problem far bigger than global warming threatening our environment. However, unlike the number of people killed each year by Mexicans shooting guns in the air (something Mexicans do when they aren't sunbathing or slinging themselves across our borders), these important statistics aren't kept. The specific problem? The number of monkey deaths related to falling out of trees each year. Imagine Admiral Giggles leading a brigade of monkeys to monkey war when all of a sudden, BAM, the third infantry hits a weak branch and that's that.

I realized this societal omission while watching the epic series "Planet Earth" a few weeks ago. It just so happens that the Whip received a new 42" LCD TV at the same time this series began. After countless hours sunk into the couch with certain glassware in tow I am also convinced that this series was co-funded by the Marijuana Growers Association of America.


While watching the episode "Jungles" I watched in amazement as these freaking monkeys flung themselves through the branches of the rain forest with little to no effort. After a good five minutes of flying monkeys in my face, my bullshit detector started to sound. It seems the liberal media is trying to cover up the fact that monkeys are in fact fallible. Dirty monkeys. Anyway, I initially felt bad for the monkey that might potentially fall but then realized that monkeys are bigger assholes than I initially thought. They also eat each other. Weird.

Granted, the monkeys in the wild probably don't have trampolines to land on, which makes it all the more dangerous. If we can have cameras that follow ants and shit around, we should definitely be able to launch an investigation into this issue. It's not that I'm hating on monkeys, its just that I don't believe they spend their entire lives jumping around hundreds of feet above the ground without a bunch falling down. Let's do some simple math, hundreds of thousands of monkeys in the world, by contrast there are about 63 skydiving related deaths per year, which is the equivalent of people being assholes imitating monkeys, but monkeys don't have parachutes, so inflate that number a bit and you're looking at 1,000 falling related monkey deaths per year. Fact.

Fact: Robots will one day rule the world.

Call me crazy, but I know what I'm talking about. About a month ago I purchased the robot vacuum "Roomba", and in that short period of time I've seen signs of impending doom.

Sure, they may seem helpful, even friendly, but I've caught my Roomba, with its green glowing "eyes", scoping out my home as it supposedly innocently cleans up after me. The Roomba moves and resembles a horseshoe crab, sans tail, spinning and scooping up dust and dirt and crumbs and dog hair. For those of you who are familiar with Roomba, they have a distinct language of beeps and buzzes, reminiscent of R2D2. I've never done it, but I bet if you get two Roomba's into a room together, they'll beep and buzz to each other all day. It seriously is a language. In fact, I think Roomba's run the customer and tech support systems at iRobot the makers of Roomba, Scooba, etc. That is not a bold faced assertion of fact. Yesterday I was on the phone with tech support, troubleshooting my Roomba's failure to charge on it's homebase, and I described the "happy noise" - when it turns on and starts, and its "sad noise" when it's battery dies. Well the Roomba on the other line was able to make those noises perfectly. I almost peed my pants.

What's more Roombas are being pitted against one another in a battle to the death. They call it a Roomba cockfight. I contend the organizers of these fights are the cocks. Really, who needs to TRAIN these robots to fight. They are evolving. Adding weapons. Here's an idea. For the next season of 24, Jack Bauer has to come out of retirement because an army of iRobot terrorists have taken his daughter captive. He must work with the Chinese and the Russians to defeat these Robot Terrorists. The only problem is, CTU has been using Roombas and Scoobas to keep its floors shiny and spot free. They have all the information they need...Throw in some dramatic music and some bad acting and BOOM, season 7 is in the books. Put season 6 on DVD and get to work Fox. Call it science fiction, but its all too real to me.

Politics in Review: Libertarian Party

This is gonna be quick, sweet, and to the point. Libertarians are a bunch of pussies. They believe in nothing (or nussing, if you're a nihilist. Is there einer problem with einer cable?)Sure, they claim to believe in things, mostly being allowed to do whatever you want. That's really fancy talk for believing in nothing though. As Dwight Schrute asks on his job interviews: "What is the best color?" Sure, you might want to say, "White, because it encompasses all other colors," but you'd be wrong. The correct answer is "Black, because it's the most dominant."

OK, so if you thought this was going to be quick or to the point you obviously have never had anyone assert facts all over your face like I do. But Libertarians really do get my goat. Listen, no one's a bigger supporter of the notion that America needs a multi-party system larger than the typical Democrat/Republican stranglehold that grips the nation. Hell, I'm even a registered independent most years, assuming there isn't a primary that I want to vote in, in which case my party allegiance is easily swayed. Libertarians are exactly that though. It's like picking a party, but really not. If registered independents are like agnostics, then Libertarians are atheists. The independents are holding out hope, not wanting to close off all possibilities that a higher power might exist that will save us. Libertarians, on the other hand, are smug assholes, flinging poo at the possibility of participating in society in any manner other than taking whatever they want.

Here's a quick rundown of what Libertarians stand for (as pulled from a completely superficial bullshit website that poorly lists summaries of political parties): "The Libertarians are neither left nor right: they believe in total individual liberty (pro-drug legalization, pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-home schooling, anti-gun control, etc.) and total economic freedom (anti-welfare, anti-government regulation of business, anti-minimum wage, anti-income tax, pro-free trade, etc.). The LP espouses a classical laissez faire ideology which, they argue, means "more freedom, less government and lower taxes."

A lot of that sounds tempting. I'm certainly pro-drug and DGD's definitely pro-gay doing everything, getting married, tandem bicycling, etc. It's not even that they're for lower taxes so much as no taxes. How are we expected to wage super-expensive wars in multiple theatres without tax revenue. That's a Chinese riddle for you. Also, did you see that a 10-month old kid in Illinois was issued a gun permit. Awesome. All this after long-time friend of AoF/2-5 double cheeseburger eater (the people have spoken) MDC has been repeatedly calling for personal shotguns bought from WalMart.

Final Verdict: One head up Ron Paul's ass. Ron Paul is, of course, the most famous Libertarian, now a converted Republican Congressman from Texas. Weak.

Around the Majors

As is usually the nature of my posts, infrequent as they may be, the subject is not always apropos of anything. I will, today, attempt a good faith effort to stick somewhat to the subject heading.

Of foremost importance: The Mets defeated the Cubs 6-5. In what has not been the first truly and innovative manner of losing that Sweet Lou Piniella has watched his team put together, the Cubs fell to the Mets on the strength of a 5 run bottom of the 9th. It was almost as if they couldn't bear the thought of winning. As if the entire concept of superiority carried with it an unpleasant taste.

The Sox won 2-1. Julian "Donkey Boy" Tavarez threw seven innings of one run ball, capped off by a two K indecent exposure of the Papelboner. Tavarez displayed that superior array of pitches that has propelled him to a 2-4 record this year. I enjoyed how he spoke out the loudest against the Sox signing Clemens. He doesn't need Theo's help in losing his spot in the rotation. To quote the really, really, ridiculously good looking Derek Zoolander, "I can dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much."

The Yankees are losing by 3 runs in the top of the eighth. It's excrutiating to listen to Michael Kay, but it is at least amusing to continuously hear about how the Yankees are playing so great but are just getting bad breaks. Two games under .500 worth of bad breaks, three after today's loss. He repeatedly harked on the anemic White Sox offense yesterday, during a 5-3 loss to said team. Wow, that was satisfying just now to see ARod pop up weakly to first. Check that, Kay just called the Yankees obedient. I would pay some serious future earnings for Kay to point out on his radio show Monday that the the Yankees are the Mets' bitch after this weekend.

This day in baseball: 1973 - Angels outfielder Bobby Valentine tries to scale a wall to prevent a Dick Green home run during a 5-4 loss to the A's. He catches his spikes in the wall and breaks his leg. The injury will ruin his career.

And that's everything of importance. The rest of the NL sucks, or will suck soon so as to render them unimportant. I find it distasteful to speak of the AL either, but some of our readers love not understanding double switches or most of the nuances of baseball, so I offer these scores in appeasement. Meanwhile, I'm chilling here at the AoF bat cave lair with a random dog. I guess that's not quite the best way to put it since The Whip and Mrs. The Whip just got it, but I've never seen it before and it's sleeping on my hallway floor. Might feed it the lifeblood that fuels the dreams of champions/wild dogs...some trash.

Great Moments in Syphilis

We here at AoF take our responsibilities in the community seriously. Not the least of which is the moral obligation we all have, as members of society, to educate others as to the events that fill the pages of the annals of history. Unfortunately, the pervasive liberal bias that permeates the halls of this nation's educational institutions serves as a roadblock in the path to enlightenment that many of you seek to tread upon. I must, therefore, take it upon myself to shed some light upon some of the most influential historical events that have either gone unnoticed or that "the man" has decided to leave out of the curriculum.

Today's little nugget of learning: Great Moments in Syphilis (If this blog had an audio option, I would have added some serious echo to the title).

The first known outbreak of Syphilis afflicted German troops in 1494 during a seige of Naples. The lesson to be learned: Kraut men are dirty motherfuckers that may or may not have sex with each other to pass the time in between killing Italians. (It's in my contract to make a gay joke at least once per post). To quote the great Norm MacDonald: "Which leads me to my next point.....Germans love David Hasselhoff."

Perhaps the most intriguing historical instance of syphilis occurred in Alabama of all places. I'm of course speaking of the Tuskegee Experiment. Basically, the U.S. Government, through the Tuskegee Institute in Macon, Alabama, conducted a study where it gave about 400 black men syphilis and basically went out of their way not to treat them in order to study the effects of the disease. The study ran from 1932 to 1972. Over a hundred people died. There's not really an opportunity to attempt to make a joke here. Instead, I'll reference a recent conversation I was a part of, in which AoF's favorite Portuguese Princess asserted that he'd absolutely hook up with a hot chick even if she had syphilis. He went so far as to say that he'd hook up with a ridiculously hot chick even if she had AIDS. The reasoning being that they have medicine for AIDS nowadays. Hard to argue with that logic. Shit, look at Magic, he may or may not have had the HIV for over 15 years now and he's doing great.

I'll leave you with a list of suspected syphilitics: Christopher Columbus, Charles VIII, Ludwig von Beethoven, Abraham Lincoln, Hernando Cortez, Adolf Hitler, John F. Kennedy, Benito Mussolini, Vladimir Lenin, Ivan the Terrible, Friedrich Nietzsche, Al Capone, Edouard Manet, Scott Joplin, Mr. Rogers, Raffi, Orville Redenbacher, and Julio Lugo. It's not necessary to establish that all of these individuals definitely had/have syphilis. All that matters is that I just said they probably had syphilis. Most of the names on the list I got from Wikipedia. You know what, I'm getting rid of might. Mr. Rogers died of syphilis. FACT.

*Holy shit, it was a bad idea thinking I could find pictures for this post simply by searching "Syphilis" in google images.

D = Diploma Post

The AoF inbox is full of complaints right now about our lack of posting. Cool out bitches. Right now we are immersed in rigorous studies and mountains of fast food. More accurately we are furthering the age-old addage of D = Diploma. Yes this is an exact picture of what my diploma will look like.

One quick hit thought to tide you animals over. Thank you to everyone in the media who has been reminding me that I'm actually racist despite the fact that I'm not. This is mostly centered around the idea that the hate of Barry Bonds is racially motivated. To everyone furthering that notion: sit on the barrel of Sammy Sosa's corked bat and rotate. Here's how simple it is to talk about this without involving race Todd Boyd: The hate of Barry Bonds is based on his douchebaggery, not the color of his skin. Barry Bonds juiced (therefore cheated), so he doesn't deserve the record Hank Aaron has held. That's the argument for people who don't like Bonds. Same with Sosa, same with Giambi, same with Palmeiro. Douchebags all around. I happen to agree with my main man David Ortiz. I also think that Hank Aaron didn't have to hit against juiced pitchers.

(Of course there are glaring racial issues left to be sorted out in this country, but I'm speaking in the context of sports and shock journalism, narrow scope, and of course there are exceptions there too, so save your energy in responding.)

The bigger problem here is lack of imagination and critical thinking in the media. Sure it's guised as taking on important social issues, but it's the same story played out in different costumes. If you can't be creative enough to write about sports without overplaying the race card then retire, or kill yourself. Same with the geniuses behind these "polls" that suggest such a resurgence of racism, also PR ploys. Even Charles Barkley found the NBA study to be ridiculous. Bottom line: Imus reignited a story-line that sells and creativity starved writers and networks lached on like leeches and started flying off in different directions with it. Hope Vivian Stringer gives some of the proceeds from her book to her players.

EXCLUSIVE! MDC: "Mook on Notice"

(Click Picture for Link)

We all remember the story brought to (not so)national attention when friend of AoF, MDC, asserted that he could eat 10 double cheeseburgers in one sitting. This claim has wreaked havoc on MDC's personal life and culminated in an assertion of fact that he could not, in fact, eat 10 double cheeseburgers.

Now, you may ask, how would a lesser man handle the constant pressure that accompanies such an assertion? When I say it has wreaked havoc on MDC's life, I'm not kidding. He cannot walk through the halls of our institution without being questioned about it. He has been drunkenly dialed on at least 3 separate occasions, all after 1am, once five times in a row before he answered, and at least once while he was trying to enjoy his favorite movie with his girlfriend. He cannot even enjoy his favorite meal without being reminded that he could be eating 10 double cheeseburgers instead. A particularly harsh critic has been the Mook, another friend of AoF. Mook once engaged MDC in 10 separate phone calls in one night. Now give credit where credit is due: a good sport is the least we can say about MDC. Personally, I would've disowned all of our asshole friends by now (myself included).

We have all wanted an official response to the post by MDC, but he has been reticent. However, I was able to sit down over instant messenger, one on one with MDC and the results revealed that the mook may have awakened a sleeping beast. MDC is mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore.

Deuce****: Listen, the people want a response from you regarding the post.

mdc****: hhaha, i have nothin to say

Deuce****: come on, we need both sides of the story, fair and accurate reporting.

mdc****: haha, nope

Deuce****: are we to take your silence as acceptance that you can't do it?

mdc****: no.

Deuce****: the people need to know . . . pehaps one statement to me, off the record.

(Editor's note: "off the record" means about as much to me as "I'll respect you in the morning" or "no, of course i won't tell anyone you got hammered hooked up with Fatty C. McGee" . . . so much for my journalistic integrity)

mdc****: this is the offseason . . . and i will have no comment
mdc****: when the season comes around again (winter)
mdc****: then we can talk

(editor's note, gotta be lean and mean for the beach season apparently, something dgd laughs at while eating ho-hos)

Deuce****: really, off the record, two questions:
1.) when you say next season, does this mean sticking to your claim of being able to eat 10 dbl cheeseburgers?
2.) Give me a response to the mook calling you out and the story creating shockwaves

mdc****: i may have gotten a little carried away . . . but i feel confident that if the time is right i could put down 7-8.

mdc****: i don't appreciate his constant push to get a story on this.

----------------------
(Side conversation between DGD and the Whip, after DGD sent MDC's comments to the Whip)
Deuce****: Oh shit he's backing off it. looks like someone can't handle the pressure of expectations . . . arod anyone?
GJB*****: hahaha. he's choking under the pressure. we may have to bring in a stabilizing presence.
GJB*****: then again maybe he'll eat 20 double cheeseburgers in April then eat one and throw up when it counts.

----------------------
Deuce****: ok, fair enough.

mdc****: (regarding question 2) and i liken this situation to the story of phillies manager, Charlie Manuel, and talk show host Howard Eskin

Deuce****: discuss...

mdc****: he can quote me as sayin, as Manuel did: "I don't like what you've been saying about me for three years and I'm gonna drop your ass right here. I got questioned [about] who I was as a man, and how tough I am. When I first started [eating cheeseburgers], I used to grab [two at a time] and slam them [down without a drink] and everything," (MDC said, trying to make clear that he's capable of confronting mass quantities of meat). "Really. That was no problem. I had no problem doing that. I'm older now, and things like that. I'm [24] years old now, but at the same time I've still got that same passion. I've still got that same fire."

Deuce****: so, u have the passion is what ur saying and mook is some hack who has never played the game trying to call u out?

mdc****: exactly

Deuce****: how many burgers to u think mook could eat?

mdc****: 2/3 of a filet o fish
mdc****: maybe 7/8 of a boca burgerr.

Deuce****: wow.

(A wag of the finger at Mook)

There you have it. Perhaps the AoF post should be amended to say "Fact: You Can't Eat 10 Double Cheeseburgers (but we're confident that if the time is right you could put down 7-8)." The bigger story though is that it looks like, in true Stephen Colbert fashion, MDC has put mook on notice!!! Hilarity ensues.

****Eternal thanks to the Whip for truly excellent photoshopping****

Tale of the Tape: Chuck Norris v. Jack Bauer

I fear for my life for even raising this as a topic of debate. By the time this hits the blog-o-sphere, I'll already be dead.

Television regularly falls victim to the perils of bad spin-off shows and/or crossovers. But here I am proposing the ULTIMATE CROSSOVER. Any show starring Chuck Norris, crossed with 24, but done in 12 hours. (Lets call it 24 half hour episodes, no need to be greedy). Here's the rub, they both play good guys and I'm not looking for another poor attempt at turning the Konami Double Dragon Nintendo game into a live action show.

So here's how it goes down. (Cue dramatic music) Jack Bauer's mission takes him to Texas, accidentally crossing into Native American land. Boom, Chuck Norris's jurisdiction. Only problem is, it's the Native American's that have the "bomb" (or biological weapon, or secret to the end of the world, etc.). Chuck Norris (In his Walker, Texas Ranger "costume" or maybe his Delta Force outfit), a blood brother with a Native American chief, must weigh his loyalties: the oath he swore in blood, or the one he swore on the bible (to defend the country). Ultimately he decides that, in the same way Paul Walker let Vin Diesel go at the end of The Fast and the Furious, that he must find a way to do both. Only thing standing in his way...Jack Bauer. Let the games begin.

If and when Chuck and Jack meet face to face, my guess is it will probably look like a less "dancy" version of Patrick Swayze's big fight at the end of Roadhouse. No guns, no knives, only gut wrenching, throat-ripping-out, hand to hand combat. Lets look at the:

TALE OF THE TAPE: Norris v. Bauer

Height/Weight
Let's assume that stature can be ignored in this bout. I'm not in the mood to look it up.
Advantage: ME

Weapon of Choice
Chucky: Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The roundhouse is devestating. I heard he unleashed it accidentally and levelled a small village in Mbati...while still in Texas.
Bauer: Gun or Pretty much anything he can get his hands on. Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Advantage: Norris

Most Ridiculous Kill
Chucky: Honestly, I don't think he ever "kills" anyone intentionally. Sure he induces car crashes, followed by a comically large explosion, which I can assume kills the passenger, and I assume his roundhouse is deadly, but I don't recall him ever using it to its full capability. Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Bauer: Too many choose. I'm going to have to go with the one where he bit a terrorists carotid artery, immediately killing him. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Advantage: Bauer

Witness Interrogation Technique
Chucky: No one withholds information from Chuck Norris. Criminals just open up when faced with his stunning beard and ruggish good looks. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Bauer: Pain. Lots of it. Maybe drugs. They say torture is the sincerest form of flattery. Jack is overcomplimentary. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Advantage: Even

Personal Weaknesses
Chucky: has a soft spot for Native American Tribes, protecting their land, resources, etc. Generally doing so means that something is going to explode in a massive fireball. Who knew a horse drawn buggy could explode with such gusto. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Bauer: Family/Relationships. It's fairly standard that if you are friends with Jack, at some point you will be either, killed or tortured. Generally this leads to a lot of terrorist deaths. Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.

Advantage: Norris

Support Team:

Chucky: his deputy Texas ranger. I don't know his name. It doesn't really matter.

Bauer: Jack killed the lead of his support team in order to protect a terrorist. A nuke went off shortly afterwards. Jack needs no support team.

Advantage: Bauer

Well as it turns out we have a 2-2 tie. This is as easy as predicting Golden State beating Dallas. If we were basing this on beard factor a la Baron Davis, then Chuck will get the W. Time for me to go into hiding.

As I conclude this post, I find out there is a Jack vs. Chuck website. Well done.

Announcement: Moustachio Bashio 2007

June 15th. Some time around roughly 2pm. The moment you've all been waiting for.

Moustachio Bashio 2007.

Mark it on your calendars. Start growing your moustaches now. Prizes will be given for best moustache, worst moustache, best costume (it's not a costume party, I'm just out of ideas for prizes. Wear a banana suit if you've got one I guess.), etc. This is an open invitation to the citizenry of the Interwebs. If you can get to AoF's secret lair deep in the heart of New Haven County, CT, you'll be let in, provided you have a moustache going. I don't know what the entrance requirement will be for chicks...free moustache rides maybe?

Note: The original subject of this post was going to be "Groins: Friend or Foe". It popped into my head for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the thrilling ending to our intramural softball league playoff game (the big leagues baby!). Our favorite senior citizen, Dr. Brown, apparently in a rush to catch the early bird special at the Cracker Barrel, decided to end the game then and there with a walk off home-run. It was an impressive blast and it made me just happy that today ended up without anyone pulling a groin or something. Perhaps the subject was going to be groins because I subconsciously wanted to ensure that the "Are You Gay?: Take the Gay Quiz and Find Out!" sidebar ad stayed on the main page for a while. Seriously, what's the deal with that ad?

Legal Disclaimer: We do not own any of these pictures, nor most of the ones in previous posts. For what it's worth, we don't make any money from this site, so I'm pretty sure it's alright. Something tells me my contracts teacher probably doesn't read AoF, though, so I'm not too worried. Besides, his moustache is above reproach...clearly in a class of its own.

Fact: Shaq Threw the Playoffs to Begin Production on Movie Sequel

Tuesday May 01, 2007: AoF Press
Miami, FL

Two days after their April 29th loss to the Chicago Bulls to complete the first round sweep in the NBA finals, Miami Heat star center Shaquille O'Neal playfully quipped, "at least now I can get started on production of Kazaam 2."

The original was met with horrid reviews. Mick LaSalle of the San Francisco Chronicle reviewed the movie back in 1996, noting; "Kazaam doesn't have a story; it has a concept. The concept is NBA star Shaquille O'Neal in baggy, gold-trimmed trousers and shoes that curl up in front. The concept is O'Neal as a genie to a small, nasty kid. Once you have that, you have Kazaam, and all its elements." He was never heard from again.

The sequal, beginning filming over a decade since the original disappointing box office run in 1996, will feature Shaq reprising his role as Kazaam, the rapping genie. Unfortunately, Francis Capra, who played Max Connor in the original, was not chosen by the The (Shaq) Diesel to play the young boy who accidentally releases Kazaam from his boombox.

Former teammate and sworn enemy Kobe Bryant had only one thing to say when asked to comment on Wilt Chamberneezy's plans for a return to Hollywood. "Kobe better not see The Big Punk Bitch in his town. There's no Shaq in team, only Kobe." He then turned raped a white woman and pranced away singing the chorus to "This is why I'm hot".

Extending the olive branch, Shaq offered Kobe the co-starring role in Kazaam 2. Witnesses report that Shaq closed the deal by saying "with the Black Mamba and The Big Baryshnikov side by side, this movie is destined for straight to DVD gold." With a tear in his eye, Mamba accepted. The two then exchanged shirtless hugs.

Said The Big Aristotle, "it was as clear to me back then as it is now, that society was not prepared to see Doctor Shaq in a comedic role. The public expected a dreamy genie in a beenie, but the movie made The Big Daddy come off looking like The Big Weenie." The word on the street is that the second installment of Kazaam will follow the first, much like Skulls 2 and Skulls 3 or Cruel Intentions 2 and 3 were EXACTLY the same plot line as the original, with worse actors and dialogue. Generally those sequels followed with more nudity, and one can only hope that Kazaam 2 will not disappoint.