Idiocy Abound

I'd be lying if I said there weren't a lot of things I find irritating or annoying. Truth be told, I find most things end up pissing me off. For example, I just read that the Spears family is mad at Dr. Phil for not keeping his mouth shut after making a visit to Britney. First off, Britney Spears is crazy. That's it. Doctors can come up with all sorts of fancy names to pair with fancy drugs that are supposed to help you deal with life, but when push comes to shove we're ultimately dealing with crazy. Now the Spears family is upset because they brought Dr. Phil in under an "invitation of trust", and he violated that trust by making public statements. Dr. Phil did not breach an sort of confidentiality. In fact, is he even really a doctor, or is he as much a doctor as Judge Reinhold is a jurist? Even if he is licensed to practice medicine somewhere, how dumb do you have to be to believe that Dr. Phil is the most qualified psychologist to treat your daughter? When the CIA has to deal with a terrorist threat on a presidential candidate they don't go talk to the writers of 24 or ask Jack Bauer for suggestsions. (or maybe they do....) Either way, when your daughter goes nuts, and you're loaded, you don't go to Dr. Phil, you go to a respected person in the field. Much like my Kim Clijsters post, inevitably someone will comment angrily on how Dr. Phil is legit, and you know what maybe you're right. That doesn't change the fact that when you enlist a celebrity psychologist as a celebrity, there's a good chance they're going to talk about you. I think the whole world is sick of hearing about how Britney fucked up her life. What is most amazing about the whole thing is that from the day Britney married some kid from her high school in Vegas, and then turned around and married K-Fed, we all knew it was over. But what we didn't know, and I suppose this could be chalked up to karma or fate, was how spectacular the decline would be and how great K-Fed would come out looking in comparison. Seriously, now HE'S filing restraining orders? Fuck all of them.

Try this one on for size. Imagine you're a man (probably not hard for most readers). Imagine your wife decides to get a part time job. Great you say, not only will I have some time to myself to watch Girls Gone Wild tapes and masturbate furiously, but I can visit a brothel or two while she's gone and she'll pull in some extra spending money. Everything is peachy, until, on one of your trips to the ole' whore house, you are surprised to find that your wife's part time job is at the brothel, as a prostitute. Two things run through your mind (1) do I have to pay, and (2) where is she hiding all this extra money, they don't pay this well at the local kielbasa shop (I forgot to mention you are polish). Mull that one over.

Would it be fair to say?: Jersey Still Sucks (FACT)

It's been a while since I wrote a "Would it be fair to say?" column. That probably has something to do with there being far too much FACT to assert. Ok, there hasn't been much fact asserted either, and I'll give a pass to my fellow AoF editors for not writing, as they start their legal careers, although there wasn't much writing going on PRIOR to full time employment. My guess is you won't notice much of a change. I suppose if I didn't spend time at work doing this, I'd probably be (a) more productive at work and (b) posting infrequently. My guess is you won't see much more sports related content here, since the '08 launch of "The Upper Decker", AoF's affiliate sports site. Which could also account for the lack of posting... (Ok, so far it's also only been me writing there, but the Birdman is involved, so commentary is bound to get a bit flighty).
As you've probably read I've been following the political primaries pretty closely, if for nothing else a lack of baseball to watch or trades to talk about. I did the most superficial of analysis on the four main candidates based primiarily on the issues, and came out with a Obama-Giuliani final selection, but with no weight given to the personal importance of issues.

I thought it would be a good time to give an update on a few things that I found noteworthy from the campaign trail and politics in general. The New Hampshire primary will be done today, and chances are, by the time you read this, Clinton will be one step closer to dropping out of the race and Obama one step closer to full party support for the Democratic nomination. But that hasn't stopped both sides from throwing a few punches in the closing seconds of the second round. Meanwhile on the Republican side, two candidates that may or may not be legitimate are also battling it out, with the likely result being both with egg on their faces and another candidate winning the nomination. Which makes me wonder, what makes New Hampshire so special? I mean seriously, Romney and McCain are the frontrunners in that state? This is going to end up being quite an interesting primary.

Anyway, I was listening to 1050 ESPN Radio this morning and heard a GEICO commercial about how they are lowering their rates in New Jersey so everyone should switch. Made me wonder, what is the great Garden State up to these days? Besides the typical, bad drivers, bad road design, armpit of the country commentary, I hadn't heard much at all. So I did a little research and something caught my eye. I'm going to be generous and say this is coming about 150 years too late, but hey, like Drama trying to bang LA's #1 Party Girl of the 1990's some things are better late than never. In a move that shocked the world (mostly because of the fact that it hadn't already happened), New Jersey formally apologized for slavery. In a gesture to make up for past transgressions, and due to a shortage of 40 acre plots, (apparently mules are plentiful though), New Jersey sent hair gel and wife beaters to any resident who had lived there since the mid to late 19th century. Outrageous but timely. And you know what? Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi still suck. Check out this site.

This last bit of news comes from Vegas, where Panasonic revealed the worlds largest plasma TV. At 150 inches, this TV cannot be comfortably viewed from a distance of less than 30 feet. Unveiling the television, Panasonic's president Toshihiro Sakamoto said: "Can you imagine sitting at home and watching the Olympics on this baby?" Actually Toshihiro, I can't. I can imagine being able to watch American Gladiators in my living room while sitting on my neighbor across the street's toilet bowl. I can imagine being able to watch my TV on my computer using Google Earth. Unless they're going to install a bigger version as the "jumbotron" at Citifield, I can only see myself installing this in my three level home cinema. And that place only exists in my dreams. I'm going to take this moment to give a shout out to Fred Manteghian. He's out in Las Vegas at this trade show, probably watching that huge TV, and reviewing all the fancy new technology (all while his daughter slaves away in the library - I'd throw in the symbol for "sad face" if it wasn't so gay and it's not all that sad). About once a month I enjoy his reviews on audio-visual equipment that for the most part I cannot, and probably will never be able to, afford. But hey, it's a good read, so I recommend it.

That's it for now. I smell someone peeling oranges nearby. I think I'm going to kick them in the nuts.

Rep.pin' It.

Out of sheer laziness I don't think I can analyze more than two candidates at a time. With the Democrats it was easy, it's been Obama-Clinton the whole time, with a little Edwards sprinkled in. But the Republicans...there hasn't been a clear frontrunner at any point. Giuliani put on a good show to start, made zero splash in Iowa since he pretty much told Iowa-ns to fuck off, likely for the fear that trying and failing there would kill his chances in New Hampshire and ultimately any shot at the nomination. So, there's still a chance for him apparently. There's Mitt Romney, the Massachusetts Mormon who stood a chance in Iowa, but is effectively finished as a result of his loss to Mike Huckabee. From what I'd read, a loss of 50% or more of the Christian Conservative vote would pretty much doom Romney. He lost 60% of it. Romney, out. Then there's Huckabee, whose partnership with Chuck Norris provides for some great Youtube clips. I'm losing motivation by the minute, so I'm just going to get right into it with Chuck, I mean Huck and Ruuuuuudy. Same +/- system applies.

Gov. Mike Huckabee
Republican (Born August 24, 1955) Executive, pastor
Iraq War Issues: Supports Bush's Iraq War troop surge. Source
(-)

Security/liberties: Source
(o)

Social Security: Maintain long-term solvency of Social Security and Medicare. (Aug 2001) Maintain federal funding of Social Services Block Grants. (Sep 1999) Source
(-)

Stem cell research: Opposes federally funded stem cell research. Source
(-)

Same sex issues: Respect gay couples but don't change institution of marriage. (Jan 2007) Signed legislation outlawing same-sex marriage in Arkansas. (Dec 2006) No civil unions; only one-man-one-woman marriage. (Nov 2002) Source
(-)

Trade issues: Governor Huckabee's record on trade is limited, but positive. In 2003, he pushed for free trade with Mexico, calling for a "strong market of the Americas" and supporting NAFTA (AP 10/03/03). In 2006, he signed an agreement between Arkansas and a South Korea trade group, calling for increased commerce between the southern state and South Korea (AP 06/23/06). Source
(+) I'll buy it.

Budget issues: He is a self-described fiscal conservative who favors a flat tax. However the CATO Institute in their Fiscal Policy Report Card on America's Governors: 2006 gave Huckabee an "F". Source
(+) The flat tax sounds fair in theory, but the actual effects are different.

Business & labor issues: Source
(o) This guy doesn't take a stance on anything...

Abortion issues: Abortion should be legal when the life of the woman is endangered. Eliminate public funding for abortions and public funding of organizations that advocate or perform abortions Source
(-)

Capital punishment: Supports the death penalty. Source
(-)

Marijuana: Would not decriminalize the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Source
(-)

Gun control: Supports the positions of the NRA. Source
(-) This is getting ridiculous.

Minimum wage: As governor, he supported the $1.10-per-hour minimum wage increase as a safeguard against a proposed constitutional amendment that would have increased the minimum wage yearly for inflation. Source
(-) What a douche.

Health care: Supports the concept that the goverment should ensure that citizens have access to basic health care through managed care, insurance reforms, or state funded care where necessary. Source
(-) I'm moving to Canada.

Prescription drugs: Source
(o)

Environmental issues: Source
(o)

Immigration issues: We shouldn't have amnesty where we just say, "Fine, everybody's good, we're going to let it go." We should have a process where people can pay the penalties, step up and accept responsibility for not being here legally. But here's the point. The objective is not to be punitive. The objective is to make things right. Right for us. Right for them. And what I have objected to in the past is when we are punishing the children for the laws that maybe their parents have broken. I do have a problem with that. Source Mostly supports amnesty/permanent legalization for illegal aliens. No know opinion on temporary legalization for illegal aiens as guestworkers Source
(+)

Education issues: Does not support government-funded vouchers to send their children to any participating school (public, private, religious). Source
(+)

+/- Total: -6
Looks like my conservative upbringing is not in line with the Conservative political view. What do you expect from an evangelical...

Ex-Mayor Rudy Giuliani
Republican(Born May 28, 1944) Lawyer, businessman
War authorization: Has supported Bush's management of the war in Iraq from the start. Referring to McCaskill’s call to redeploy troops away from Iraq over the next two years, Giuliani said: “Giving your enemy the impression that you’re going to run away emboldens them.” Source
(+) At least there's consistancy. And if I don't give him props for what he did for New York I'll be labelled "unAmerican"

Security/liberties: Giuliani applauded [former Senator] Talent’s support for the Patriot Act and electronic surveillance of terror suspects. “Mob suspects and terrorists do not come walking into your office and confess,” he said. “You have to intrude. Source
(+) Interesting statement, assuming that it's even possible to pick out terror suspects without profiling, I'll buy it.

Social Security: He favors allowing some investment in private accounts. Source
(+) Not really sure what that means, but if it alleviates the pressure on us to pay for Social Security that we won't see...I'm all for it.

Stem cell research: Supports stem cell research. Source
(+) Good call.

Same sex issues: "Gays should be protected. I signed The Domestic Partnership Law in New York. But the way I'm portrayed by my opponents -- and I guess to drive people away from me -- is that I'm in favor of gay marriage. I am not." Larry King Show
(o) Eh, marriage is a religious institution. I'm not going to get hung up on semantics. Joint tax filing for all!!!

Trade issues:
(o) no trade i guess...

Budget issues: According to his campaign site, "Rudy Giuliani inherited a $2.3 billion dollar budget deficit and turned it into a multi-billion dollar surplus, while cutting taxes and delivering balanced budgets. He cut the number of full-time city workers by more than 20,000 – excluding teachers, firefighters, and police officers – while slowing the growth of government spending to below the rate of inflation."
(+) But what does that mean for multi billion dollar spending on a war? I guess he could cut that out and get back in the black.

Business & labor issues:
(+)

Abortion issues: Pro-choice.
(+)

Capital punishment: Supports death penalty.
(-)

Marijuana: Does not support legalization of marijuana.
(-)

Gun control: Favors gun control. "But I also understand the second amendment. I understand the right to bear arms. I think that a lot of these things have to be resolved on a state by state basis. And I used say often when I was the mayor, it's one thing for New York, it's something different for Texas." Larry King Show
(+) True. Crazy rednecks, at least the booze screws up their aim.

Minimum wage: Opposed increase in minimum wage. Source
(-)

Health care: The nation's current system of health care is "imperfect'' but a single-payer system, such as found in Europe and Canada, is not the way to improve it, according to Giuliani. "We (need to) build it based on private insurance, competition, markets,'' Giuliani said. Giuliani noted that even with the current "imperfect'' health care system stories of residents from Europe, Canada and other countries coming to the United States for state-of-the-art medical treatment are common but stories of American's traveling to other countries for medical treatment are rare at best. Source
(-)

Prescription drugs: Called for moratorium on prescription drug importation. "We should not contemplate opening our borders to threats to our medicine supply when in all other aspects we are searching for ways to tighten the security of our borders," Giuliani says in his report. Source
Environmental issues: As mayor of New York City, Giuliani's environmental record was mixed -- "pretty unremarkable, and at times dismal," said Ashok Gupta, chief energy economist for the New York City-based Natural Resources Defense Council. But he noted that Giuliani was "supportive" of the environmentally ambitious green-development projects of his close friend and colleague George Pataki, governor of New York. Source
(-)

Immigration issues: Supports amnesty/permanent legalization for illegal aliens and temporary legalization for illegal aiens as guestworkers Source
(+)

Education issues: Giuliani believes that every parent should have “the ability to send their child to the school of their choice, be it public, private, or parochial.” --Campaign website
(o) This is not taking a stand...

Before I even tally this up, I think Huckaboom is smoked. Sorry Chuck, please don't roundhouse kick me in the head...

+/- Total: +4

Well that's the end of my candidate selection. Looks like Obama-Giuliani would make things difficult for me. And who knows what these candidates are going to do to screw up their candidacy. Clearly by no means is this a perfect science. Counting cards is no guarantee that you'll win big in blackjack, and there's still plenty of time for me to become more jaded. At least now I (and you) have an idea of where I stand. If Chuck Norris ran for president I may have to change my analysis. I'll follow up in the next few weeks.

Dem's Da Laws...

Sen. Hillary Clinton - Democrat
(Born October 26, 1947) Attorney, professor
War authorization: Voted for war authorization, but believes that vote was a mistake based on faulty information provided by the White House. Now calls for withdrawal of US troops. (-) Decimate a country, remove a dictator, then bounce? Wham, bam, no thank you 'mam.

Security/liberties: Clinton supported the interests of the American Civil Liberties Union 83% in 2005-2006, 78% in 2003-2004, 60% in 2001-2002. Clinton supported the interests of the American Security Council 20 percent in 2003-2004 and supported the interests of the Center for Security Policy 28 percent in 2003-2004. On 03/02/2006 voted for the USA PATRIOT Act Reauthorization. On 12/16/2005 voted against USA PATRIOT Act Reauthorization. On 07/14/2005 voted for Disclosure of Classified Information Amendment. On 10/06/2004 voted for National Intelligence Reform Act. On 10/25/2001 voted for USA Patriot Act. The flip flopping on the PATRIOT Act worries me. (+) I wonder how long it took to come up with an acronym that spells out PATRIOT? It's as much about selling the law as "American" as it is about infringing on Americans rights.

Social Security: Opposes privatizing. Clinton supported the interests of the Alliance for Retired Americans 100 percent in 2005.

(-) I know it's necessary to carry to older vote, but using the government to funnel my money to retirees without knowing if there will be anything left when it's my turn...better up the 401K...

Stem cell research: Voted for HR 810: Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act of 2005.

(+) If conservativism is standing in the way of curing cancer and other diseases...

Same sex issues: Voted against constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. Supports gay domestic partnership benefits.

(+) ...not that there's anything wrong with that...

Trade issues: Supported the interests of the CATO Institute (free trade advocates) 50% in 2003-2004 and 17% and 2001-2002.

(o) No opinion at the moment. I like the idea of free trade, but not at the expense of the domestic economy.

Budget issues: The balanced budget advocates, the Concord Coalition, gave Senator Clinton a rating of 58% in the most recent rating (2001-2002).

(-) just because...58% is still failing...
Business & labor issues: Supported the interests of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce 35% in 2005.

(-) In my limited dealing with the Chamber of Commerce, their agenda seemed reasonable, I'd like to see greater support.

Abortion issues: Pro-choice.

(+)

Capital punishment: Advocates the death penalty.

(-) Crapital Punishment. Does it really cost more to execute someone rather than keep them in prison for life? I wonder what the mentality of someone on death row is, especially if they are wrongfully convicted...

Marijuana: Does not favor legalizing marijuana.

(-) I know, first thought is, pothead. But marijuana is arguably less dangerous than alcohol, and actually has medicinal properties. It doesn't damage your liver, or have a "disease" (alcoholism) associated with it. Drink responsibly - thanks Anheuser-Busch? Smoke responsibly. The only positive that alcohol brings to society is as a disinfectant, the rubbing kind. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying weed isn't worse. The fact that it can be legitimately prescribed in California should be the first indicator that it's not so bad.

Gun control: The NRA gives her an F, and the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence gives her a 100% rating.

(+) I'm not much of a gun guy, despite my desire to check out the Smith & Wesson gun school. I understand the right to bear arms, but from a personal perspective, I'm not packing, so I'd rather you didn't too.

Minimum wage: Favors increasing the minimum wage.

(+) Who does that really help? the 15-16 year olds? I recall making minimum wage (shit I'm not doing much better now) at $5.15 and that was a dozen + years ago. People will be taken advantage of either way. But let's throw the kids a bone...

Health care: She supported the interests of the American Public Health Association 80% in 2005 and 100% of the time in 2004.

(+) I don't have health insurance. Sure, I could have opted for COBRA, but I like to live dangerously...

Prescription drugs: In 2005 voted for the Medicare Prescription Drug Benefit Amendment and Prescription Drug Plan Amendment.

(+) mmmm prescription drugs...tend to make me vomit. I'm lucky I can get Claritin O.T.C..

Environmental issues: Environmental groups have given her ratings in 90's and 100%.

(+) I won't hug a tree, but I'll give it a nod. I won't hesitate to take down a tiger at the zoo though.

Immigration issues: Clinton supported the interests of the American Immigration Lawyers Association 88 percent in 2006. She supported the interests of the U.S. Border Control 8 percent in 2005-2006. She supported the interests of the Federation for American Immigration Reform 0 percent in 2005. Supports amnesty/permanent legalization for illegal aliens and temporary legalization for illegal aiens as guestworkers.

(+) Might be hypocritical if I didn't support this...but then again, wouldn't we all?

Education issues: Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton slammed private-school voucher proposals yesterday, predicting that vouchers would eventually lead to the creation of taxpayer-financed white supremacist academies - or even a government-funded "School of the Jihad." Clinton, a longtime voucher foe who earned the backing of the city teachers union in 2000, says government financing of sectarian groups would incite ethnic and religious conflict - and encourage fringe groups to demand government cash to run their schools.

(+) Wow...I think...

+/- Total: +5

Since I've already pretty much stated my opinions on these issues, I'll comment only when I feel it is necessary.

Sen. Barack Obama - Democrat
(Born August 4, 1961) Attorney, lecturer.
War authorization: As a state senator, he spoke out against Iraq war, before the war started. Has long favored a phased withdrawal.

(-) At least steadfast but with high potential to leave Iraq in turmoil.

Security/liberties: He voted against and later for bills to reauthorizing the PATRIOT Act. "Let me be clear: this compromise is not as good as the Senate version of the bill, nor is it as good as the SAFE Act that I have cosponsored. I suspect the vast majority of my colleagues on both sides of the aisle feel the same way. But, it's still better than what the House originally proposed. This compromise does modestly improve the PATRIOT Act by strengthening civil liberties protections without sacrificing the tools that law enforcement needs to keep us safe." --February 16, 2006 Source. Obama supported the interests of the American Civil Liberties Union 83 percent in 2005-2006. "Senator Obama is a member of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee and has supported efforts to base homeland security spending on risk rather than pork-barrel politics. He has also introduced legislation to strength chemical plant and drinking water security and to enhance disaster preparedness." -Campaign site

(+) The waters are muddy, but I like the overall flavor.

Social Security: Senator Obama supported the interests of the Alliance for Retired Americans 100 percent in 2005.

(-)

Stem cell research: Supports federally funded stem cell research.

(+) Federally Funded?

Same sex issues: Opposes gay marriage; supports civil union & gay equality.

(-) What's the difference? Marriage or Civil Union? Potato - PoTAHto...

Trade issues: Has a mixed voting record of trade issues. Voted for free trade agreement with Oman. Voted against implementing CAFTA for Central America free-trade. In 2005-2006 USA Engage gave Senator Obama a rating of C. "USA*ENGAGE promotes responsible alternatives to sanctions that actually advance US humanitarian and foreign policy goals, such as intensified US diplomacy and multilateral cooperation."

(o)

Budget issues: "Senator Obama voted against the most recent effort to raise the national debt limit. The current national debt has exceeded $8.6 trillion dollars, and nearly $4 trillion of that debt is now held by foreign governments. Our national debt and annual budget deficits effectively tax all Americans by adding to the amount of interest paid to service U.S. borrowing." Source Obama supported the interests of the National Taxpayers Union 6 percent in 2005.

(+)

Business & labor issues: Obama supported the interests of the National Federation of Independent Business 12 percent in 2005-2006. "Sen. Obama regularly supports legislation that we support. There have been no votes in the Senate on legislation we track, therefore our system may have reported 0% simply because no votes were cast. His actual support of NAGC issues is 100%." - J.R. Claeys, President, National Association of Government Contractors He supported the interests of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce 39 percent in 2005. He supported the interests of the United Auto Workers 93 percent in 2005. He supported the interests of the AFL-CIO 92 percent in 2005.

(o)

Abortion issues: Obama supported the interests of the Planned Parenthood 100 percent in 2006. Obama supported the interests of the National Right to Life Committee 0 percent in 2005-2006. Obama supported the interests of the NARAL Pro-Choice America 100 percent in 2005.

(+)

Capital punishment: Obama says the death penalty "does little to deter crime" but he supports it for cases in which "the community is justified in expressing the full measure of its outrage." As as state senator, Obama worked with law enforcement officials to require the videotaping of interrogations and confessions in all capital cases. Source

(+)

Marijuana: Famously admitted to using illegal drugs in his book. On the issue of medicinal marijuana, Obama said that if the "best way to relieve pain and suffering is through medicinal marijuana," then it's something he's open to. Source

(+)

Gun control: Obama supported the interests of the Gun Owners of America 0 percent in 2005. Based on lifetime voting records on gun issues and the results of a questionnaire sent to all state legislative candidates in 2004, the National Rifle Association Political Victory Fund assigned Senator Obama a grade of F (with grades ranging from a high of A+ to a low of F).

(+)

Minimum wage: Voted for increases in the minimum wage.

(+)

Health care: "Too many hard-working Americans cannot afford their medical bills, and health-related issues are the number one cause for personal bankruptcy. Promoting affordable, accessible, and high-quality health care is a priority for Senator Obama." -Campaign site

(+)

Prescription drugs: "To help lower the cost of prescription drugs, Senator Obama has supported efforts to allow American seniors to purchase prescription drugs in Canada and bring them back to the U.S. He also has supported giving Medicare the ability to negotiate lower drug prices."

(+)

Environmental issues: Obama supported the interests of the American Wilderness Coalition 100 percent in 2005. Obama supported the interests of the Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund 88 percent in 2005. Obama supported the interests of the League of Conservation Voters 95 percent in 2005.

(+)

Immigration issues: Obama supported the interests of the American Immigration Lawyers Association 88 percent in 2006. Obama supported the interests of the U.S. Border Control 8 percent in 2005-2006. Obama supported the interests of the Federation for American Immigration Reform 0 percent in 2005. Supports amnesty/permanent legalization for illegal aliens and temporary legalization for illegal aliens as guestworkers.

(+)

Education issues: Opposes vouchers.

(+)

+/- Total: +10

At the moment, I appear to align more on the issues with Obama than Clinton. Given that I am feeling lazy, I will not do this for Edwards until he becomes more relevant in the Democratic primaries.

Republicans to come...

2008: The Year of the Rat

I have never held a strong interest in politics. For whatever the reason it just did not interest me. At times I feel jaded by the thought that those currently in power are firmly entrenched (individually yes, but much more as a group). The political system and "democracy" as we know it could all be a farce where those in power get richer and more powerful and everyone else, upper middle class on down, sleeps easy at night thinking that their interests are being taken care of and their civil liberties are intact. Is there a silent majority? A silent majority of politically apathetic individuals (I'm including myself in this group), that may hear P. Diddy proclaim from on high that you must "Vote or Die", yet are intelligent enough to know that within your state that damned electoral college will render your vote meaningless as your state is always red or always blue and your measley vote will do nothing to change that?

Perhaps there exists a group of people unregistered or undecided who's views straddle the political line. Maybe those who care enough about politics identify as "Libertarian" after doing a bit of research. The phrase "I am fiscally conservative but socially liberal" is one that I have heard time and again, even uttered from my own lips. But if this unorganized, unidentified, quasi political group, (that hates taxes and thinks the war spending is a waste of money yet a necessity given the current situation, and the educational system is f'd in the a by the No Child Left Behind act), does indeed exist, there is no way to identify it. I think it spans the age demographic, but may be firmly entrenched in one age group (Gen X/Gen Y). If this group does exist, there is little chance that it will ever be formally organized. You would have to have even the slightest faith in the political process to think that such a group would have a chance at rising (off their couches) formally organizing, and throwing around any sort of political weight.

A number of years back, a friend of mine, who I met through a job, and kept his "ear to the streets", told me a few things, (1) the "true" story behind 50 Cent getting shot, and the feud with Ja Rule, (this was well before it was published in Playboy and in a promotional DVD), (2) the blander your diet, the easier it is to avoid bad foods; he only ate lettuce and tomato on a roll, with an occassional side of fries for lunch everyday, no meat (I lost 30 pounds that summer - gained it all back and then some since) and (3) that the urban masses are restless, and an uprising is inevitable. Now, this guy is not Nostradamus, but rarely do you get to hear a voice from a different walk of life comment on social issues from the position of just another guy, rather than political activist or politician.

So here we are, in 2008, the year of the Rat (according to my month of february calendar), and assuming the position that (as I have been told) I am shirking my duties as an American citizen (which I'd have agreed with in 2002 when I received a letter threatening legal action if I didn't register for selective service - a consequence of never registering to vote) by not voting, I am going to do my duty as an American and take an interest in the 2008 Presidential Election. I've been keeping an eye on the campaign advertising, diligently reading the Drudge Report, without delving too far into the issues, and am going to first examine the Democratic candidates, then (in another post) the Republicans. I'll use a +, - rating system, kind of like counting cards in blackjack. Maybe I'll come to a conclusion, maybe not. Hell, maybe I'll even vote this time around.

I'll probably have to put this in separate posts...

Tigers Are Dangerous

I consider myself to be a fairly sympathetic person. However, there come a few instances every year which make me say, good, motherfucker had it coming. One such instance from last year being the car accident in my town that killed a few scumbags. The call on the field: that's too bad. Then it comes out that they were drunk, high and driving at night on a back road with more curves than Jessica Simpson and. . . wait for it. . . with no headlights. Upon further review, fuck off you deserved it.


That brings me to the amazing asshole in San Francisco who was mauled by a tiger, perhaps a gay tiger. When the story first broke it seemed another unfortunate twist of fate, like suffocating in dung after an elephant enema gone terribly wrong. That was the call on the field. The booth reviewed. There has come indisputable evidence (in my mind) that this douche, apparently distraught over the 49ers becoming immune to his taunts, decided to try his new repertoire on a seriously large dangerous animal. Now of course, blame first society chime in as well, his Dad said he didn't deserve it. taunts or not. Now that's true, and perhaps if the tiger hadn't been destroyed we could arrange a sit down so he could explain that to the tiger. Then his mother could sit down with the tiger and explain that people go to the zoo "to have fun and not to be killed." Perhaps the dog whisperer could provide it some therapy so it feels some remorse for its actions.

I'm not good at math, but teenagers around a tiger pit on Christmas plus the fact it was around closing time plus a shoe found in the pit seems to equal some dumb motherfuckers, to be safe I may need a calculator to confirm. This tiger was, in fairness, cited for aggressiveness before when it smoked caretakers arm, but I think the spokesperson for the zoo put it best when he said "the tiger was acting as a normal tiger does." Yeah, being bad ass.



***as a public service, in trying to find a picture for this post, I implore you not to Google image search "gay tiger"***

Happy AoF Holidays

Well, here we are again in the midst of another wonderful holiday season. The sleigh bells are ringing, the nog is egging, and the mistle is toeing. All in all, it's quite the festival of merriment. We here at AoF just wanted to take the opportunity to wish all the best to you and yours on the day that marks the death of our Lord at the hands of the Jews. At least, I'm pretty sure that's how it all went down. I took fairly good notes in history class and almost exclusively watch the cinematography of Mel Gibson. Regardless, here's a card from the always great Gbehh.com.

Laziness Reason for No Title?

I'm gonna go ahead and apologize about this post before I even write it. It's like some sort of weird time paradox common in the "Back to the Future" Trilogy. I have no idea what this post is gonna be about (if it indeed ends up being about anything whatsoever). Could be about something cute like puppy dogs and butterscotch candies. Could also be about something mundane that goes terribly wrong, like just getting done spreading marmalade on a fresh piece of toast...only the toast slips out of your hand and falls to the ground in slow motion and you're powerless to stop it...knowing full well that it's gonna end up marmalade side down...and once it does exactly that and you bend down to pick it up all while cursing your clumsiness...Satan pops up out of thin air and cuts the gnarliest brimstone-laced fart ever in your face that makes it melt off like the Nazis at the end of "Indiana Jones". My point is, as always, the unknown is precisely that, the potential timeline running parallel to ours but possibly with some slight twist in it along the lines of you going back thirty years in the past and going to the Prom with your mom and your siblings fade out of whatever photograph you might be carrying.

See, I've already proved my point. It was a good thing that I already apologized for this post because that last paragraph made absolutely no sense. I should be admonished by the principal in "Billy Madison" for unleashing such a thing upon the internet. Before you cast the first stone, it must be noted that there's a good explanation for all of this. I am in the middle of an astonishing run of unproductivity. In sum, it will be about five and a half months total between me doing anything helpful for society. That time lapse is the period between taking the bar and starting my job.

It's wonderful and awful at the same time. It's wonderful in that I never have anywhere to be in the morning (or afternoon or night for that matter). It's awful in that my entire memory of useful things has been replaced with pop culture references that not only serve as analogies for things but have outright caused me to speak wholly in terms of similes since I basically only watch TV or fuck around on the internet and have no real life experiences. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting how to read. I choose the Daily News over the New York Times because, quite frankly, there's too many words and not enough pictures in the Times. The sad thing is that that last sentence was true. Before I just stop mid-post, it should be noted that I'm far too lazy to even finish this post. That being said, I'm gonna let Jim Gaffigan do the talking while I go eat some brownies.

Fact: If only Chuck Norris were running for President.

Holy crap. I just slaved away for 30 mins writing a fine piece on the state of the world, how to stop the economic depression, a solution for the subprime mortgage problem, and the cure for AIDS. Then for some reason my internet expolorer decided it was time to crap it's pants, and I lost it all, the economy, the real estate market, banking, and AIDS. Gone. Like hell I'm going to write that all over again.

Looks like I'm going to have to go with Chuck Norris. I'm not sure anyone has ever been the benefactor of a pop cultural phenomenon as grand as the "Chuck Norris Facts." Think about it. All he had to do was act (poorly) in a few movies, act (horribily) in a poorly produced television action/drama, and act (awfully) in a few info-mercials for the Total Gym. Next thing you know, he can count to infinity, and move mountains. Now he's gone all Oprah on us and is using his popularity to influence the popular vote in support of Mike Huckabee (which we all know means nothing - thanks electoral college). I figured, anything that Chuck does has to be pretty terrible, but I'll say I was presently surprised. Here are my top 6 favorite Chuck Norris clips.









I was really hoping that this was Bear Grylls, but as it turns out Stephen Colbert was right about bears.

Lastly, this debate was raised: Chuck v. Jackie Chan. Thoughts?

Fact: If you're 3/4 of a century old, you're not fooling anyone.

Look, I know it's the 21st century and advancements in plastic surgery and HGH treatment have made it so people look younger or age slower, but when you're 3/4 of a century old (that's 75 years) you're really not fooling anyone and it's likely too late to start lying about it. As most of my at work posts tend to be, this topic arises from an incident that went down between two of my co-workers. One has reached the ripe old age of 30, while the other will turn 75 in February. As pretty much every minor event requires, cake was served for the 30th anniversary of my co-worker, let's call him JF. Following the cake, the 74 year old (Morat) decided to say something along the lines of "I'm going to need red white and blue streamers for my birthday, since I'll be almost as old as America." Knowing when to step aside, I pretended not to hear her comment, while other co-workers found ways to avoid responding. JF made some comment about bringing in fireworks for her birthday, to which she then responded that she'll probably start lying about her age and asked what age she could get away with. Now I knew that after the fireworks comment there was no way this situation was going to end well. I kept one ear on the conversation as I pretended to be distracted and inattentive. In essense, I threw JF under the bus as he was flying solo in this conversation. Rather than try and make a joke or deflect the question, he picked the first number that came to his mind, 55. There was little I could do to keep myself from falling over laughing. You have to understand, this 75 year old is reviled by almost everyone. She even has an old persons taste in Dunkin Donuts, selecting every single powdered donut available. Does anyone really like the old fashioned style donuts anyway?

So here's the deal, I'm sure this applies to all of our readers in the 65+ demographic. Why bother lying? By lying and or asking how old you look, you're only making those around you (regardless of age) uncomfortable. Now I'm not saying that I didn't get a good laugh at my friend's expense. I think everyone in my department had a serious 20-30 min chuckle over it. This doesn't particularly "grind my gears" since for the most part, I have no gears left to speak of.

In any case, old age is something to embrace. If you're so concerned about getting old, follow the lead of the world's oldest man (ok he may have just died, but he can still lead by example).

Born, according to family documents, on 15 March 1891, Mr Nestor, a former farm labourer, put his long life down to the fact that he never married.
"He didn't find himself a mate because he was a short man and never had money," Oksana believes. (Oksana had at least 4 years plow experience, and was #6 prostitute)
He also led a healthy life, she says.
He loved to get outside and would run barefoot through the grass. Vodka he drank in moderation, and his favourite food was simple country fare with his greatest luxury a slice of sausage in a bread roll.

Hey he may have just passed, but that's what old people do, they die.

TW Pulls Out Mitchell Win Pending Final Review

TW has pulled out a Mitchell report victory by the slimmest of margins over DGD: 10-9.

The earlier picks have held but some excellent calls by TW led to his victory:
Rondell White, Lenny Dykstra, Todd Hundley (particularly impressive), and sadly Mo "the hit dog" Vaughn. The total would have been 11 but Matthews Jr. was already outed this summer thus DQ'ing the pick. Inclusive in this are Tejada and Clemens as bonus picks, Roberts and Justice.

Dougie's shitty list was inflated by the three bonus picks, Clemens, Pettitte and Tejada. Plus Brendan Donnelly, Jack Cust (who aroused my suspicions while carrying TDX's fantasy team this summer), and Roberts.

Quick Note: The Yankees lead the list with Clemens, Pettitte and Knoblauch as well as Stanton, Villone, Grimsley and Stanton. Fuck you Yankees fans, get off your high horse now.

Sox: Vaughn, Donnelly, Mike Lansing and Eric suck my ass Gagne (not sure how I missed that one). But seriously, fuck you Eric Gagne, go back to Canada and suck for someone else. This guy singly handedly almost blew the Red Sox 14 game lead over the Yankees. I hope the Brewers enjoy paying your whiny drug ridden ass $10 million a year.

Mets: Hundley, Vaughn, White?, Scott Schoeneweis (I know this will infuriate my fellow editors given his Gagne-esque suckitude) and shockingly Paul LoDuca (a Dougie favorite while coming up with the Dodgers).

Honestly, how did we miss Kevin Brown though. That's just shoddy work on our part.

FACT: Rapid Fire Posting Probably Grinds Some Douche's Gears

Sorry folks, but I'm gonna have to whip this post together in far too hasty a fashion. DGD is on a mini post rampage and I have to break it up. Here at AoF, records are not meant to be broken. They're meant to be glanced at sideways through a haze of bong smoke in acknowledgment of the unnecessariness of breaking them. Now, I don't know what the record for most posts in a day is (don't care enough to look it up), but it looks like we're on the edge of the world as we know it. The world is no longer flat. I would compare that analogy to Columbus sailing to the New World, but it's probably closer to the last Pirates of the Caribbean buttholery of a movie.

Now that we're going in this stream of consciousness post, that whole Captain Jack Sparrow thing just now reminds me of the current (and former) bane of my existence. I don't want to steal too heavily from Family Guy and write a "What Really Grinds My Gears" post. This is mostly because some absolute fucking douchebag that I went to law school with stole the idea and had a regular column in the school paper with the same name (didn't even change the name of it, AND was completely unfunny and/or mildly inappropriate). I can't help it though. Let's just call this an affront to my sensibilities and pretend I'm not ripping off a Dennis Miller rant.

To wit, Circuit City is my goat-getter du jour. Without delving too far into the details, I bought something online for in-store pickup, they of course didn't have it, they special ordered it and it never came in, I bought it out of a different store and they didn't have it when I showed up, then I bought it out of the original store again and they didn't have it again when I showed up. I should've known better. It could have allowed me to avoid such a run-on sentence. If they hadn't hooked me up with $24 gift cards at every step of the way I'd have burned that motherfucker to the ground. I'd been fired from better Circuit Citys than the two involved stores. True story. The first time I was fired basically boils down to refusing management's demands that I stop incessantly playing Black Rob's "Whoa" in the computer department. The second time was racism, plain and simple. I was the only white guy in the entire Yonkers store. Bullshit. Racism reared it's ugly head. I demand reparations. It does make me want to go Jihad on their asses though, like Charlie Kelly would. Oh yeah, almost forgot that the reason an overly fey Johnny Depp character reminded me of all of this is that the movie is on constant loop in the store, which you have no possiblity of ignoring when you're waiting around for hours.

Side note to all of this: I'm currently posting from my desk at home. I actually wanted to watch the currently airing Mitchell Report. Logistically, that shouldn't be too tough since there is a TV in the room. Unfortunately, the TV is behind me. Rather than turn my head 180 degrees (might accidentally burn a calorie if I did so), I decided to go the route of watching it on a little window on my screen through ESPN.com. I love technology almost as much as Alec Baldwin loves the Patriot Act.

Fact: Dougie Leading Mitchell Pool Early

The early leaks of the Mitchell report have Dougie leading with 3 of his top 5 bonus picks (five big stars worth double points) coming in. Big thanks to Tejada, Clemens and Pettitte for being insecure about their natural ability. Dougie also picked Brian Roberts with a non-bonus pick. For the record I replaced him with Clemens as a bonus pick.

TW trails only by one with Tejada, Clemens, Roberts and a nice call with David Justice, who unfortunately was not a top 5 bonus pick.

'nuff said. But seriously, how gay is SI?

Fact: Simple Things are Amusing

No apologies, (well kind of) take your smattering of posts and like it. In a span of 3 days my life went from part-time when I feel like it job to, "see you tomorrow at 9, here's a list of 5 million things to do." Like the Patriots, it was a period of adjustment and now I'm coming back to dominate. Which coincidentally is why I wrote this post on Saturday (but didn't finish); because I thought after the close encounter with the biggest shit-bags on earth (read: Eagles fans) at the last game, I thought might actually die when I drunkenly talked shit to a pipe wielding steel worker from Pittsburgh. Actually, no such thing happened. Their fans are as gay and douchey as their current QB. At least I'll admit the shortcomings of past Pats teams (Bledsoe, any of the WR's now slumming for other teams, etc). But these assclowns will still take a bullet (possibly shot from a man-gun into their throat) for Kordell Stewart. Motherfuckers defend him all day long and get worked up about it. Intriguing to say the least.

However, today I realized the simple things in life can be thoroughly entertaining. Back when the AoF HQ was fully staffed, a complimentary tub of hair gel began suspiciously appearing in hidden places in the editors' rooms. Socks, beds, not even blazers hanging in the closet were safe. Each time it was found a voice rang in your head saying: "Gotcha bitch". Picture that blue shit mocking you, not a good feeling. I always enjoyed taking credit for the my most creative spots (but, as I was thinking about it, if my spot was inadvertently found because it smashed all over the floor, I give credit to Xerxes). You too can play this even if you don't live with other dudes, I'm sure girlfriends will enjoy it as well. You have my word.

Secondly, as weeks of anticipation culminate today with the release of the Mitchell Report, TW had a fantastic idea of a Mitchell Report pool. Pick 50 names of who people you think will be on there and the winner takes the sum of the $5 entry. My list was not arbitrary in the least, with selection criteria of "He probably did because his name sounds like it, or, he went on the DL, probably steroids." This effectively killed my productivity and led to this post. Well done all around.

Fact: The Jets Coach: Mangenius? Nay, more like Mantarded

It's Monday. 9:40 AM. I've been at work for over an hour and have managed to accomplish the following: Turn on my computer, organize some paperwork, ask my boss for a promotion/raise, take a 15 min coffee break, and talk football. Mostly about the Jets and Patriots, since my the nearest two cubicles contain a Jet fan and Patriot fan and my Giants are cruising into the post season in mediocrity, likely to lose in the first round for the 3rd straight season. That is assuming they don't shit the bed.

The conversations began with pretty much how shitty the Jets are playing this season. I'm no Eli Manning apologist (he doesn't have his brother's happy feet, it's more like HOLY SHIT feet the moment he feels the slightest pressure - and is usually followed by an easy sack or an interception), but I'd always loved ripping on noodle-armed Chad Pennington. Sure every once in a while Chad would try and shut you up by throwing a 40 yard bomb, but you knew that for the rest of the game he'd have that tingling in his arm, that tingling you get when you try and over throw, leaving you with basically a dead arm. Of course after commenting on how much the Jets suck, and how I might become a Derek Anderson fan (much like my appreciation for David Garrard last year - purely for fantasy football points purposes), the conversation turned to the ruthless play of the Patriots against the Steelers.

For the record, I'm a Ben Rothelisbergr fan. Don't judge me for it. And for those of you AoF sticklers, I didn't misspell his name by mistake. It just so happens that he was a great Madden Football QB (the same year that Jimmy Williams recorded 68 sacks and won the MVP), and the Madden programmers decided it necessary to abbreviate his name. He's also a great fantasy QB, and I happened to have chosen my dog from the Ebay picture of him selling his SUV. Ironically, he probably should have packaged that up with his bike, but I doubt there was much resale value for it. Sure I was saddened by the Steelers inability to keep it close against the Pats. But I'm not a Steelers fan.

Which brings me to the Patriots. Now that the Giants are pretty close to clinching a Wild Card spot in the postseason, and barring the final game of the season against the Patriots (which could be anything from the Patriots resting starters to the Giants resting starters, both playing 1st strings or some conglomeration of that) I'll have to admit, I enjoy watching the Patriots collectively drop their drawers, and dook on their competition. It's kind of like admitting I'm a fan of evil. Sportsmanship be dammed. This is competition in it's purest form. Bad blood, bad intentions, a lot of shit talking, and some ridiculous plays to back it up. This is not the stuff you want your kids to watch if they're last hope at winning a trophy is the sportsmanship award (which usually means they suck). This is the team for the parent who wants their kid to be a steely-eyed, cold-hearted mercenary/killer. And you know what? I'm actually enjoying it.

Each week I eagerly anticipate the spread for the weeks game. What will it be? 3 1/2? Hell no. 14 1/2? Try again. 22 1/2? That might be a good place to stop. Then I wait for what surely will be a vindictive game of football. Someone talked some shit through the media? Belichick will make sure that he never does again. He won't just beat you, he will make sure you are thorougly embarrassed, and in jeopardy of losing your starting job. If we went to war (again), I'd want Belichick to be on the front lines, taking no prisoners, showing no mercy. The only concern would be that he decided to drop an A-Bomb every time he encountered a less capable enemy.

Which brings me to my final point. This week the Jets and Patriots square off at Foxboro. If there were one event that you could point to and say, this is where Belichick lost it, it would have to be Spygate, where Mangini outed Belichick as a cheater. Ever since then it seems that he's been on a mission to show the league that he could run the table without videotape, and in some cases with his eyes closed. My guess is that Bill has been waiting for this game for what seems like a lifetime. I'm going to put the spread at 80. Where the Patriots might show mercy against the puny, lifeless D-Fins in two weeks, no such mercy will be given Mangini. Sure, last season, where he led the Jets to a decently mediocre (10-6) record, he was nicknamed Mangenius. That nickname will forever be preserved in an episode of the Sopranos. Now he looks more like Mantarded (OR Mangina). When the student tries to defy the master, that's when things get ugly. And what a show I hope it turns out to be. Belichick should coach next weeks game blindfolded, like a true master.

FACT: Part-Time Bloggers: Not so Great

The ever indominable TW hit the nail right on the head the other day and astutely pointed out that this current cycle of AoF posting is indeed somewhat depressing. Not depressing in that "I just got fired from McDonald's and my girlfriend just dumped me and I live in Omaha" kind of way that inevitably leads to mall massacres. More along the lines of the fact that it is thoroughly not all that time consuming and is (usually) an enjoyable pursuit. Come on, what other outlet do I have for all the nonsense in my inbox/incoherent ramblings on the pressing issues of our time. By pressing issues, I mean trying to put together one of those match the celebrity to the upskirt vagina shot. (After years of perusing the celebrity gossip websites the roast beef just tends to run together, which is probably a similar analogy to TW's work at Subway headquarters).

Even though I am really really unemployed it is still difficult to treat this whole blogging thing with any sort of seriousness. I should probably spend every waking second of the day in an unending pursuit of employment, tracking down leads and whatnot. Instead, whenever the bug to write hits, it usually just degenerates into what I just did right now, which is find pictures safe for work of Britney Spears' babymaker and then try to decide whether I should go with LiLo's cooter instead. Note to Law Students out there: get out while you can. It's not too late. Dig ditches, sell black market organs, whatever it takes.

This whole process does give you a whole new appreciation of the fact that all the decent blogs out there are operated by individuals that were crazy enough (or sick of eating dog food and out of options) to actually quit their jobs and do it full-time. Don't worry all you legitimate bloggers out there, I didn't just elevate the status of AoF to be included in the discussion. We still suck. Spread your electronic indignancy elsewhere. Seriously though, TW posts at work, DGD posts while screaming at the Mike and Mad Dog program, and I post when I either have absolutely nothing else to do or feel bad for being so lazy about this. We're semi-pro at best, like the ABA (that's American Basketball Association, not American Bar Association. I gotta set our 3 readers straight sometimes.)

By the way, if you can't tell, this was a complete garbage filler post. I wrote a great summary of an awesome medical study yesterday but the fucking thing was lost in the internet. My internet shit all over itself at the last second in the posting step and there wasn't a backup saved and I screamed and cursed at my computer and eventually settled on not rewriting it in order to eventually culminate in this ridiculous run-on sentence. Ever lose a paper in high school or college or anywhere and not had a backup of it? It sucks. This is worse though, because I actually gave a shit about it. Since there's no motivation for me to ever redo it, I doubt I'll bother. I don't think blogspot is gonna fail me this semester for not rewriting it.

Fact: 24 Hours is Plenty

Back in AoF's heyday (roughly six months ago), we used to have an unwritten rule: no triple posting allowed. Unfortunately much like when we used to have a Madden season (prior to AoF's expansion) where one person would take a week + to play a game, thus holding up the rest of the league, I am going to "simulate" their game and hopefully move things along. This reminds me that we used to have a three day rule, where once you waited longer than 3 days to play a game, you would automatically be simulated, yet we had the uncanny ability of creating surreal teams, which would boost statistics if the computer was allowed to control them. I'm not sure what the real life Jimmy Williams is doing right now, but if he's anything like the Pro-Bowl rookie from my Madden season, he should have approximately 68 sacks right now.

So I'm going to go ahead now and assert some fact. Or at least have an internal debate with myself. The topic is: How soon, is too soon? As in after someone famous passes away, how soon is too soon to make jokes at their now deceased expense? I bring this up because a certain AoF editor hardly waited 12 hours before making a Sean Taylor joke. Now that I think about it, all three of us did. Actually my reference came when he was still in critical condition and reports were that he was shot in the groin. References to "Ow, my balls" and I'd rather be dead than shot in the nuts comments abound. It didn't seem like it was very serious at the time. Then I felt bad when he actually died.

Apparently by AoF standards 12 hours is the requisite waiting time. I guess you could make an argument based on noteriety, popularity, beloved-ness, etc., that you have to wait anywhere from 12 hours to a decade. As far as I'm concerned, if they couldn't laugh at themselves in life, then they're not going to laugh at themselves in death. Therefore, 12 hours is too soon. 24 hours is enough. That's about how long it takes Jack Bauer to kill a bunch of terrorists and save the world, so it should be good enough. A final disclaimer: I'm talking about celebrities and other famous people that you and I have never met or had contact with in any way whatsoever. This rule does not apply to real acquaintences.

Would it be fair to say: Cell Phones Cause Cancer

I've decided to take today off. Well not technically off, but I've decided to refrain from working more than 20% of what my salary dictates. It's casual Friday here in the office, and that's exactly how I'm approaching it. Casually. One might say that this could affect my job. As you may know, I can be a go-getter or a slouch, depending on my mood and any extraneous forces. Seeing as how my boss ignores me for the most part, I've been working for an entirely different department for the past 3 months, and anyone who matters over there took today off in order to either (1) use up vacation days before being penalized for not using them by losing them OR (2) take a 2 week hiatus to Cancun, I'm going to take this opportunity to catch up on some blogging, maybe read a book, surf the web, and drink enough coffee to make this fun filled day bearable. I may even read a movie script or two. (Try it, I think in many cases it's better than actually watching the movie. For instance, I read the original Tremors script, and although I know MDC will object to my charaterization of that movie as "undeniably shitty", imagining the ground swallowing livestock/people is far better than actually seeing the 4th rate special effects that were actually used - movies like Good Will Hunting, The Departed, etc. might actually seem better, if you have half an imagination). Sure I'll make a phone call or two, send an email perhaps, maybe even set up a meeting (probably not).

I envy both of my non-bosses since I have neither the vacation days saved up nor the money/resources to travel anywhere (outside of New England). That said, my job satisfaction level is plummeting dramatically as I sit here contemplating how best to waste the next six hours. The only upside is that there is a possibility that we will have our bi-weekly post-work Friday cocktail hour, replete with all types of booze and hors d'oeuvers (sp?). I spent 3 of 5 nights last week drinking on the company dime, something that is less common in the workplace than I'd like, and as such I've developed an appettite for vodka. I don't know where I was going with that...My thirst will be quenched somehow...

Anyway, Israel just informed us that cell phones increase the risk of tumor growth. Risk increased if you use the same ear, don't use hands free systems, or lived in rural areas. I don't know what the rural area thing has to do with anything...

I could see this set up causing some problems. Bad reception...He doesn't have the antenna up. I'd recommend purchasing the professional hands free kit to give you the right angle.

Fact: Tasers are Fun

AoF has become a depressing cycle of posting, then not posting for a week or two at a time. I feel like every time I write I must first preface what I am saying with an apology to our loyal readership. At this point I'm pretty convinced that there no longer is ANY loyal readership. I'll be honest with you, writing a daily blog is time consuming, particularly when you relegate yourself to posting exclusively while at work. Since I'm on such a tight schedule now...I'm going to make this quick. Deaf guy, in a bathtub. Cops bust in responding to a shooting. See deaf guy soaking wet in a towel. He doesn't respond to their repeated requests (he's deaf after all), they hit him with the Taser. I suppose it's better than a gun. The police chief had to justify the shocking result by explaining that it is important to get control of a serious situation like a shooting as quickly as possible. My question is...where was the threat? Where was he hiding his gun? (That's not a metaphor for junk). Where would YOU hide it?

Federal Dogs: Man's Best Friend

Wow, so here it is, an entire week that I took off from my neckbreaking pace of roughly two posts a week. I kind of am struck with an extreme case of writer's block (see that, I just elevated myself to the level of writer, as if the use of words is the equivalent of writing). Maybe it's the start of what definitely looks to be a piece of shit MNF that's causing my mind to go blank. Maybe it's that Walt "Clyde" Frazier just gave a mind numbing explanation as to why he came to be called "Clyde" during halftime, replete with third-person references to "Clyde" as if it was an alter ego. In case you're curious, "Clyde" is from midnight to four and dressed like he ought to be paired with Bonnie.

I'm basically just left with coming up with an article patched together from whatever tabs I have open in my browser. One of them is my miserable fantasy football team. I'm not gonna be that douche and actually complain that Tom "How Dare you Think Matt Leinart is More Handsome than Me" Brady dared to give me less than 50 points this week. Another of the tabs is This Day in History in Wikipedia. I was giving Uncle Ralph (roommate) a hand with his job coming up with songs for every day next month that radio stations could use. Here's a few good ones for Dec. 1: Jared Fogle, TW's coworker was born in 1977, Johannes Brahms presents his Ein deutsches Requiem in 1867, and Matthew Shephard of dragged by a truck in Texas fame was born in 1976.

I'm left with a random article from the Montgomery Advertiser (wow, sweet name Alabama paper) about Auburn DB Jerraud Powers getting bit by a dog...during Saturday's Iron Bowl. The south is amazing sometimes. There's probably not a worse place to have a bunch of dogs. A ridiculously loud crowd, people running all over the place, a ball being thrown around....and the State Troopers still think it's a good idea to keep German Shepherds in the end zone during an Alabama/Auburn game. Wait, here's the quote from Powers, it's fantastic: “I saw blood coming out of my glove. I started panicking,” Powers said. ” I was looking toward the sidelines and I was screaming, ‘The dog bit me,’ the next three plays. When I went into the training room I was like: Do I need a rabies shot? Then I thought about it and it is a federal dog. I’m sure he’s the cleanest dog in America. I’ll be sure to wash it out real good.”

I don't know why I even tried to fight basing this post about anything other than Auburn. Tommy Tuberville punched Nick Saban square in the asshole as his introduction to the rivalry. Ever the classy guy, he made sure to hold up six fingers to the crowd to remind everyone that yes, that is six in a row over Alabama (Couldn't find a picture of him doing it, but the similarities are startling). OK, I'm done talking about Auburn. Any more and I'm gonna sound like DGD and the Pats, who almost lost to the vile piece of shit Eagles yesterday (of beautiful I'd-rather-lick-Patrick-Ewing's-Sweaty-Armpits-than-visit-Philadelphia fame). The video of Powers getting bit by the dog is below.

Fact: Somewhere Between Ass-Kickings and Going Bankrupt: Mike Tyson Reads

That's right folks. While serving his 24 hours in jail, "Iron" Mike Tyson ate sloppy joes and read American Gangster. If not for the whole criminal thing, a day in jail sounds like one relaxing vacation. At least this special celebrity jail that Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and now Mike Tyson get to go to. It must be affiliated with the celebrity court that OJ and Kobe went to.

In my opinion, celebrities SHOULD get special treatment. I mean why not? Us mere mortals get to go to mere mortal court and jail, celebrities should have to be tried in front of Judge Judy, (or Mills Lane/Joe Brown/etc.) or be represented by Lawyer Malloy before Judge Reinhold, and have their fate be decided by a (William) Hung jury. (shout out to Arrested Development).

They should have to go to celebrity jail. OZ. That's right, Oz. And not the Oz with the witches and talking tin can. Ass rape in the middle of the night OZ.

That aside, let's get back to Mike. Evidently he can read. I guess that's not all too shocking, I just assumed that he'd lost the little brain function he had remaining picking "comeback" fights to make a few bucks and avoid losing his pet tigers. This is really good news for my "Mike Tyson Beats you How to Read" campaign, where Mike reads to children. I'd try and type what it sounds like but I can't find a font that's high pitched and lispy enough. We could invite the other infamous Michael and make it an interactive learning experience. (don't mind Clint...)

Fact: Neil Diamond is a Pedophile

Not that it's really shocking but the artist that performs the (newest &) greatest between inning traditional song is also likely to show up on the next episode of "To Catch a Predator." Neil Diamond revealed today that he wrote the song "Sweet Caroline" about Caroline Kennedy after seeing her "dressed to the nines in her riding gear." He threw in some bullshit about innocence and some other nonsense but it's crystal clear that the french maid and sexy nurse had grown tiresome for old Neil. One look at the cover above explains a lot about what Neil is thinking when he performs.

Do the math, Kennedy is 50 now, the song was released in 1969 so subtract one year and BAM: he wrote a song about an 11-12 year old. Diamond said "I've never discussed it with anybody before -- intentionally." He cited that she may be embarassed but AoF thinks it has more to do with not wanting to end up on the FBI watch list. Now, Sweet Caroline seems innocent enough, but what good times that never felt so good could he be referring to? I'd say he's probably buying a saddle and hoping that he's the next pony in her stable. Let's break down some of the lyrics:

"Where it began, I can't begin to know when. But then I know it's growing strong."
- The logical explanation is his feelings for 12 year olds, but then again maybe I'm thinking outside the box when he's actually talking about his dick in the box. Perhaps this is why the Kennedy's stopped accepting unmarked Christmas packages (OHHHHHH sweet double entendre smacked down on your asses!) Sorry about the outburst, totally out of line. Anyway. . .

"Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you."
-Kinda self explanatory don't you think?

"We fill it up with only two."
-I think I'll leave this alone so as to avoid visits from "To Catch a Predator" myself.

According to the article he was "holed up in a hotel in Memphis" writing the song as a young broke songwriter (read: he was masturbating furiously while feeding quarters to the vibtrating bed trying not to spill his liter of Wild Turkey). A hot august night indeed. I ask you this America, shouldn't we demand answers from the love child of Joe Lieberman and Bill Belichick? Perhaps: 'In this picture, are you grasping for a high note, or the imaginary image of 12 year old ass?'