Fact: You have to be a Killer to Get a "Killer" Nickname

As I begin to write this I can't help but think that if I ever go on an insane killing spree, people are going to look back at this post and say, "We shoulda seen it coming. The writing was on the (virtual) wall." Of course, they'll all be misled, as it will actually be this post where I lost it. I'd hope to at least be a memorable killer. So many murderers get put in jail with hardly a news article.

Then there are the select few that are so sick or their stories so twisted that they are rewarded with memorable nicknames. I was at the dry cleaners yesterday, the news was on talking about "The Preppy Killer". Now I can only think of one other time I've heard the nickname preppy. (I'll give you a moment to think)

If you guessed Alfred Clifford Slater's nickname for Zach Morris, you'd be right. Now whether than nickname is cool outside the context of Saved By the Bell is a question I can't answer. But how do you make it cooler? Throw "Killer" and "The" as bookends around the word "Preppy". A bit more ominous.

What did this guy do? Killed a rich girl in Central Park. Oh and he was a "drug addict." I'm not going to go on a rant about how the only thing bad about illegal drugs is that they're illegal. Self destructive behavior and murder are two different things. That could go into a whole discussion about the "Nanny State" but no one's changing minds here (unless of course we've got a time machine and we can call it "bootlegging" instead of smuggling) He didn't kill a girl because he was a drug addict. It's a nicely packaged explanation as to a reason why he did it. Drunk, high whatever. How about crazy? Now he's back in jail after 15 years because of drugs. I guess after 15 years, what else is a guy gonna do, after being best known as a notorious killer. How could he not want to go back to jail. But I guess that comes with the territory of having a nickname that everyone knows.

How about the Russian "Chessboard Killer". 64 spaces on a board, and he killed 63. He was so close. This guy is ruthless and coldblooded. He preyed on the Russian's weakness for vodka and mourning a dead dog. "Most of the victims were men, whom Pichushkin had lured to the park with the promise of a drink of vodka to mourn the death of his "beloved" dog."

Now this guy's been given too much credit. Chess is a game of strategy, wit, patience, and foresight. You've also gotta be decently smart. This whole luring a guy with vodka and hitting over the head with a hammer? There's no finesse there. That's got monkey killer written all over it. Sure, he used a chessboard to mark each one of his victims. But you know what looks a bit like a chessboard? A checkers board. And that doesn't require half the smarts chess does. So we could call him the Checkers-Board Killer. Not quite as ominous.

What about drive-by shootings? Those guys don't ever get nicknames (besides one's they already have). How about..."the Connect-4 Killer"? That's got a nice ring to it. Connect 4 doesn't require much. Hell, even retards could throw the pieces in like a Plinko Board and get a lucky win. That's what a drive by is like. Roll up, fire into a crowd, sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss. And you're definitely retarded.