Update: Monkeys are Still Assholes

What do you suppose the term is for something that is still newsworthy, but is hardly "breaking" or particularly current? It's probably not news, that entire word denotes a level of recentness. There, I'll go with that: Urgent Breaking Recent Stuff. Monkeys are still assholes. This is a topic that perhaps I should have addressed immediately given the level of importance, but its just that my blogging has gotten extremely lazy lately and mostly consists of creating posts around whatever stuff people send me. As aforementioned, I'm lazy, so it takes me a while to get around to some of the stuff. Enough stalling, back to the matter at hand, namely a topic so large that we've devoted numerous posts to it. I'll just reference you to the tag "Monkeys" where you can peruse all we've had to say on the matter. It's currently in a three way tie for second most popular asserted fact, and after today, oh boy, it's gonna take over sole possession of second.

Here in America, all we have to worry about, when it comes to monkeys, is getting hit with the occasional flung dook from a caged primate at the zoo. We have no idea how good we have it. In South Africa, however, goddamn street gangs of monkeys roam the city, terrorizing its denizens and committing all sorts of crimes. They've taken to just breaking into people's cars and homes looking for things to steal. They even set up look-out monkeys to make sure the coast is clear. That part I don't really understand, unless South Africa has a monkey penal system, where they can get 3-5 for a B&E. Although, given how in the not-too-distant past South Africa had a fairly prominent penal system that, to put it delicately, only incarcerated certain members of the race not in power, I guess anything is possible. Now that I think of that, fuck South Africa. That's what they get for carrying Apartheid WAY too far into modern times. I mean, Christ, they didn't end that until a full 130 years after we freed our slaves, and it's not exactly like we were quick to do that either. Sure, sure, all you sticklers out there will be quick to point out that Apartheid wasn't slavery. OK, not exactly, but, at the bare minimum, we had them beat by 30 years with our civil rights movements, so fuck off sticklers.

Before I hit you with the video, which is quite well put together, I might add, here's a quote from it, "They get into the kitchens, they know where the fridge is, they open it and take everything, and then they defecate everywhere." If you can't trust monkeys not to defecate in or around your fridge, then I just don't know what's left in this topsy-turvy world we live in. Also, side note, while I'm talking about the fact that we Americans are spoiled in our non-monkey violence world, I actually have a little monkey story that hits close to home. My father was actually bit by a monkey once. The manner in which he got bit is the best part. He was doing the typical tourist thing while in India, and while he was at the Taj Mahal, a fucking monkey leapt out of a tree (at least 20 feet away he said, probably more) and landed on his back and bit the back of his neck. Crazy vampire monkeys. Gave him rabies and everything. So before you young readers go to sleep tonight, thank your lucky stars that we don't live in a goddamned rabies filled leaping monkey society.